Accidental signals

[Licorice]

Just curious, what are some signals of disinterest (excluding lack of eye contact or conversation) that could be unintentional?

In addition to people who take a sudden liking to me I also get people who say I seem disinterested. The only things I can think of are that I might have been tired or sick, but I thought those were things people typically took into account, anyway.

 

[Turnip]

Possible ideas: tone of voice (eg. flat), body language (eg. stance/posture, fidgetting), word choice (eg. short answers, lack of small talk, not using "active listening"), cutting the other person off

 

[Vanilla]

One thing that I know I'm guilty of doing, and I've read that other Aspies do this too, is that I don't always respond outside of my head.

What I mean by this is when someone says something, usually you would acknowledge that you have heard, and understood this, by voicing your attention to them. This can be done by employing several different methods, such as nodding along to what they say, keeping eye contact, or even a verbal response; anything that indicates that you haven't switched off.

The problem is, while I am in fact listening, I sometimes forget to send out those cues for the other person to understand this. Sometimes I voice this to my inner voice, which is inside my head, and forget that I was not simply thinking to myself, and that the other person is still waiting for me to show that I am listening.

It's almost like having a conversation with 3 people; me, myself, and the other person; only that the other person can't see or hear the communication between me and myself. This usually leaves me having to try and save myself, in a clumsy attempt to insist that I was in fact listening...just not responding.

It's understandable that a person could get annoyed at this sort of behaviour, as I know I would, but the fact that I've become so engrossed in what a person has said could possibly also be seen as a compliment that I find the topic interesting enough to ponder. I should try harder to stop this kind of behaviour though

 

[Licorice]

I think the only ones here I might be doing is giving off the wrong body language... I do very well verbally, which is why it's so strange to me that I get such varying responses without answer.

 

[Vanilla]

I think the only ones here I might be doing is giving off the wrong body language... I do very well verbally, which is why it's so strange to me that I get such varying responses without answer.

Hmm, perhaps you could ask a friend if they're willing to help you in pin pointing these things for you. Maybe you can have a conversation with a friend, and record it on video; not a forced conversation, perhaps talk for a decent length of time, about your usual conversation topics, to ensure you aren't 'acting' in front of the camera.

This way you can watch the video, and judge for yourself whether you feel there's anything there. I'd recommend waiting at least a week before watching the video though, just so you have had time to leave your current frame of mind, and can look at the video with a fresh view.

 

[Christian T]

I am constantly sending out confusing signals, particularly to strangers, that suggest that I am lost when I am merely looking around or waiting for someone, that I'm upset with I'm simply deep in thought, or that I'm confused when I'm just computing what the other person has said and am thinking of a reply. That three-way conversation analogy could probably apply to me too, but I suppose for me it is more like having two big things to process before I can respond to someone: what they've said and how I should respond. For most people this happens almost instantly, but if I don't concentrate carefully on these things I end up apologizing to people who've just complimented me, or saying "good to see you again" to people I've just met.