Abusive Autism

[Streetwise]

My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 3.5 years. She was diagnosed 4 months ago with high functioning autism (She also has ADD, anxiety, and symptoms of PTSD). She has a specialist for autism, PTSD/Anxiety, we are going to a Sex Therapist for marriage counseling and the obvious, and I have a therapist for understanding more about autism and how to deal with everything changing overnight for us...All of the therapists have training in Autism).

Some background on my wife is she was emotionally abused by both parents growing up. She went straight from that environment into being in a relationship/marriage for a total of 10 years. This guy abused her in every way you can imagine. Physically beat her, every other word emotional abuse, restricting her from finding help even through church, he got heavily drunk every night which in turn almost every night he raped her, he restricted her from not seeing any friends, and in the end of the marriage cheated on her but forced her to be raped by a friend of his so he could prove she cheated on him first. After she left him (age 30), she moved back into her parents house and wanted to go to a therapist but her parents convinced her not to go.

Take all that in then read this next part>
So up until she met me she has spent her entire life building coping mechanisms to survive abusive relationships. Basically this means that she did her best to hide all of her "flaws" (autistic tendencies) from everyone in her life. She met me 2 years later in 2014. All I saw was a shell shocked woman who didn't know how to even speak to me. After she told me her life story I didn't question anything because everything she has been through for a NT it is still common for someone to act the way she did with me in the beginning. I spent 2 years helping her come out of her shell and learn to be loved, truly loved for the first time in her life. During this time I was helping her through the stress of 2 bad job situations among everything else.

When we got married, I confronted her mom and dad about constantly lying to her about her brother and constantly belittling her. Her dad quickly escalated the conversation and after we left that night, we were told later, her dad sat in his chair with his gun in his hand contemplating whether or not he was going to drive to the hotel to kill me and kill himself after. We told them we didn't want to speak with them for a while. After that she had a new job and she also had difficulty with the manager at that job as well. We went back to every day calming her down because everyday was bad. Due to her previous marriage one of her coping mechanisms with this was getting drunk. It took me 3 years to convince her to stop drinking for me but I finally did.

Take all that in then read this next part>
After we got married I started to realize that she took the time to make me happy/take care of me about 10% of the amount that I did for her. I love everything about my wife. I do not love her autism. I understand how difficult this is for her in dealing with the news that she is autistic. It is way more challenging for her. I understand that. After I realized that I wasn't being taken care of we went to therapists. When we received the diagnosis we changed therapists to ones qualified to help. My wife doesn't just struggle with the normal struggles of autism she also struggles with PTSD and anxiety. We know what needs to be done in our marriage to help both the marriage succeed. I know how much my wife has changed since I first met her. I know how this is a work in progress and how this is something I need to get used to. I am fine with that. I am worried that I will spend the next 20 years helping her and I will have lost who I am completely. I know people change but I would feel like I gave up on myself to take care of her. I understand that I love her and I understand how much she needs me.

I do not know how to be okay with waiting. We talk everyday, and she writes down most of what we say and we even go over it again after we talk. When we are arguing or fighting we text/message each other. She constantly says she is going to fix what we talk about and has a strong desire to do so. She either forgets, or doesn't remind herself. She doesn't want to be autistic. She is still having a tough time accepting that she is.

I do not know if I am writing to just tell our story and talk about it. Or if I am writing to ask your opinion on do you think it is possible for someone who is autistic and has been through as much as my wife has to relearn new coping mechanisms and learn how to be there for me when she has spent her whole life trying to avoid being in all the emotional/physical positions/situations she is with me because in the past it always meant she was going to be hurt? I know that NT people who go through everything she has gone through can take a long time to get over all of that even with therapy and medication. Sometimes they never get over it. It feels like most of the time her Autism causes her to process/work through something at about 20% when compared to the way someone who is NT would.

Another one of my fears is let's say there are 8 things I need her to relearn new ways to deal with them in our relationship (compared to how she used to deal with them in her past). Let's say she does in fact relearn them. Can she be able to pick up on those 8 things as they happen? Or will her autism only allow her to pick up on them if she was focused and trying to find them? Because if she had a stressed out/emotional day and comes home and I take care her to calm her down I never see her be able to look past what she is feeling to think about how my day was or what our needs are in our marriage on that particular day.

I could go on and on but I think this will get the conversation started and I could explain more as you ask questions. I am open to opinions, thoughts, questions, etc.

Just remember your wedding vows they will help you know what your relationship is based upon
I don't need to know ,Suzanne is very knowledgable ,there seem to be n.t girlfriends of aspie men as members of AF/AC but not many husbands of aspie women on the forum but there are some

I wish I knew what you were trying to say. I am not understanding. I am sorry. Could you rephrase what you wrote?

Nonplussed means I don't have an answer I don't understand it ,The thought of a house where a lot of battered women are is very very sad and very painful that's why I said it was a vile did you understand the rest

 

[TylerNT]

Just remember your wedding vows they will help you know what your relationship is based upon
I don't need to know ,Suzanne is very knowledgable ,there seem to be n.t girlfriends of aspie men as members of AF/AC but not many husbands of aspie women on the forum but there are some

Nonplussed means I don't have an answer I don't understand it ,The thought of a house where a lot of battered women are is very very sad and very painful that's why I said it was a vile did you understand the rest

Thank you for rephrasing what you wrote earlier. Her ex definitely grew up in a difficult home, but wife never knew enough about relationships to understand how to look for 'red flags' that come up to avoid people with too many. She told me he has no desire of ever getting help.

 

[JDartistic]

This story is similar to what happened to me. My autism and ADD pushed my spouse away, and we ultimately divorced after a year of therapy. I'll add that it was couple's therapy that also resulted in my autism diagnosis, which I found hard to accept, esp. during a very stressful time.

That said, I can tell that you are feeling like a caregiver, and that isn't a good place to be. I think once that happens in a relationship, the passion ends and it becomes a unequal partnership. I suspect you will build resentment toward her, because what I'm hearing in you is that you have tried everything, but you still feel like it's not working for you.

No one likes divorce. It was a terrible time for me and my ex. Things got ugly toward the end but you seem like someone who will take better care of your wife than my ex did with me - AND I can tell you are a kind person and that you truly love your wife. Bravo for that! and the love will always be there.

I sense that you worry she won't be able to handle things if you do decide to leave. My ex felt that way, too, and expressed it often - but at the end of the day, it was better to divorce, even though it broke my heart to pieces. To be honest, it's been 5 years, and I'm still struggling with things, but I also survived and she will too, if that's what you need to do for yourself.

Take heart - no matter what's decided, you both will be okay.

 

[isthisreallife]

K, I'm going to be the unpopular voice here. Why is your wife expected to do all the 'learning' in this relationship? It's like she's trying desperately to run up this steep hill towards you, and you're at the top saying it's just not enough, run faster. Therapy must be stressful for her, if at the back of her mind she knows that she'll lose you if it doesn't work, because believe me, she knows that this is a possibility. You knew her a year and a half before you got married, that's enough time to see her for who she is, why did you marry her anyway? People don't 'lose who they are'. Imagine making that statement as a 5 year old, I'm not going to work hard at xyz because it's too stressful, and I don't want to lose myself trying to get through this. What kind of adult would you have become? My point is, people 'lose' themselves quite often, the situations that life can throw at them does that, and they adapt and evolve as a result. You do not have to fear that this will be the rest of your life, because trust me, your wife would probably very much life to move on with life as well and be happy, don't underestimate her determination. Also, the focus seems to be a lot on her diagnoses' and therapy, what do you two like to do for fun?

 

[SusanLR]

You knew her a year and a half before you got married, that's enough time to see her for who she is, why did you marry her anyway?

This is the way I see it too.
To hear suddenly after years you have just found yourself unhappy is sad, but, it happens even in marriages where both are NTs.

That said, I can tell that you are feeling like a caregiver, and that isn't a good place to be. I think once that happens in a relationship, the passion ends and it becomes a unequal partnership

Someone else equates this feeling to being a caregiver.
I'm sure the reason you married her was because you loved her, but, there may have been the attached expectation that she will become the 100% type person you want, along with that love. After learning the diagnosis of autism, that may have been the clencher and now you fear she will never be what you want her to be. I don't know you and can't tell you the way to find the happiness again. Feelings happen. They are very hard to change. The love and happiness you knew happened then the unhappy happened.
That is why being able to relate to being HFA is like and how others always seem to eventually turn away from me, I've stayed solitairy.

 

[Suzanne]

Like this last Saturday she was reading a book, I asked face to face if she could help do the dishes before I get back so we can tackle the clothes together. She said yes. When I got back was not reading her book anymore and now was watching TV and none of the dishes were done.

A bit confused.Why were the dishes not touched, when you said: could she HELP with the dishes?

What you could try doing is this: hey there; you forgotten already to help with the dishes? Come lets get them done together and a big smile and holding out your hand to her.

It could be she actually forgot. I know when I have been engrossed with a book, I forget my surroundings.

Another thing. Has she given up work? Because if so, then little by little she will learn that it means helping around the house more. However if she is still working and that was a day of work and she is relaxing, why should she help with the dishes?

My husband goes out to work and I would ever ask him to help me with the dishes. I use the day time to relax, so that I do not resent being busy in the evening. He helps me at the weekend, otherwise there is no balance and means that 7/7 I am working and he is not. But do not demand full help, because he has to have time off as well.

 

[TylerNT]

K, I'm going to be the unpopular voice here. Why is your wife expected to do all the 'learning' in this relationship? It's like she's trying desperately to run up this steep hill towards you, and you're at the top saying it's just not enough, run faster. Therapy must be stressful for her, if at the back of her mind she knows that she'll lose you if it doesn't work, because believe me, she knows that this is a possibility. You knew her a year and a half before you got married, that's enough time to see her for who she is, why did you marry her anyway? People don't 'lose who they are'. Imagine making that statement as a 5 year old, I'm not going to work hard at xyz because it's too stressful, and I don't want to lose myself trying to get through this. What kind of adult would you have become? My point is, people 'lose' themselves quite often, the situations that life can throw at them does that, and they adapt and evolve as a result. You do not have to fear that this will be the rest of your life, because trust me, your wife would probably very much life to move on with life as well and be happy, don't underestimate her determination. Also, the focus seems to be a lot on her diagnoses' and therapy, what do you two like to do for fun?

First of all my wife is not going to lose me if all of this doesn't work, we will just reassess and try something else. She is not the only one learning in this relationship, this is why I have an individual therapist that is trained in understanding autism so that he can show me how to better communicate with her, and better react to situations. Also this is why I am on this site and posted this article. I want to hear your opinion so that I can learn even more.
I do not disagree with you that so far I have treated this relationship as me at the top of the hill. The only thing I will say is that it is more like we are on a hike up a hill together and I get frustrated with moving so slowly and so I walk faster. That is when I am looking down waiting for her. All of this is different now than 2 years ago though. I don't really do that as much any more. Now I walk sometimes faster but then I typically walk back to her realizing she needs help getting to where I was. (again speaking in the analogy).

I know people do lose themselves in the mix of lifes situations and life requires people to adapt or give up. I know that I do not want to give up I want to adapt. I did learn who she was one year into our relationship, but all I am saying with that part is I knew that she was going through immense trauma from everything in her past and that she needed help seeing life could be something different. I got to know her through showing her this. Everything I saw is still what I see and that is still why I am in this fighting as hard as I am. As I said before she developed coping mechanisms to prevent other people from seeing the "autistic side" of her. Because in her past if she didnt get really good at hiding that side of her she would be abused physically and emotionally really bad. All I am saying is that I knew she had ADD and PTSD and anxiety. Up until this point if a situation that happened in her past happened to us, she would never want to see what I would do, she would react the way she knew she needed to react to prevent her from getting hurt more than she could if she did nothing. She would put herself in an imaginary box and hide there from me. Something even as simple as being at costco and purposely walking down lanes that didnt have the sample people in them because she didnt want to see how if I would react the way her ex did with hitting her if she didnt go get him samples. My point is it hurt that she didn't try to trust me. She has tried since then and we are passed the costco scene and eat samples ALL the time
My wife definitely has enough determination and she definetely wants to learn how to control what seems impossible to control. Mostly she is wanting to do this for herself, and the parts that have to do with helping our marriage are the parts she is doing for me and us. But it is hard to see that this will not be the rest of my life because again on top of everything else we had to deal with in our relationship when we found out about the diagnosis I found out shortly after that she only has ever understood 20-40% of what I say on a daily basis. Which for me was hard to take because of everything that I did to help things in the beginning, I just felt lost for about a month and the rest of the time I have been feeling better and working through things with therapy. I trust me I know how it is 10 times worse for her understanding this information. but that doesnt mean I dont feel anything either. Which is why I am on here trying to work through everything.

We still go on date night every friday, we still do something fun every saturday, and chores on sunday. Our relationship and marriage has not changed with how good we are together. But learning that I do not know how to communicate with my wife has changed. And it is slowly changing. As I said in the beginning. She is not the only one learning. This is a process for both of us.

 

[TylerNT]

This story is similar to what happened to me. My autism and ADD pushed my spouse away, and we ultimately divorced after a year of therapy. I'll add that it was couple's therapy that also resulted in my autism diagnosis, which I found hard to accept, esp. during a very stressful time.

That said, I can tell that you are feeling like a caregiver, and that isn't a good place to be. I think once that happens in a relationship, the passion ends and it becomes a unequal partnership. I suspect you will build resentment toward her, because what I'm hearing in you is that you have tried everything, but you still feel like it's not working for you.

No one likes divorce. It was a terrible time for me and my ex. Things got ugly toward the end but you seem like someone who will take better care of your wife than my ex did with me - AND I can tell you are a kind person and that you truly love your wife. Bravo for that! and the love will always be there.

I sense that you worry she won't be able to handle things if you do decide to leave. My ex felt that way, too, and expressed it often - but at the end of the day, it was better to divorce, even though it broke my heart to pieces. To be honest, it's been 5 years, and I'm still struggling with things, but I also survived and she will too, if that's what you need to do for yourself.

Take heart - no matter what's decided, you both will be okay.

It definitely has not gotten to the point where I think divorce is an option. The way things have happened mixed with the timing that we got the diagnosis just made this whole situation really hard to work through, but not impossible. This is why I am on here, I am trying to work through my emotions and talk things out with everyone in this community to understand how I am feeling and to here other peoples opinions and stories. I need a way to take the chaos that is going on in my mind and emotions and put everything in its place, understand it, and move forward from there. My therapist is helping but I needed to just talk like the way I am here.

 

[TylerNT]

This is the way I see it too.
To hear suddenly after years you have just found yourself unhappy is sad, but, it happens even in marriages where both are NTs.

I completely agree with you that it happens in a lot of marriages (dissabilities included or not). The timing of the diagnosis is I am still learning how I am unhappy, and the diagnosis makes me feel that not only does she need to overcome PTSD but the knowledge of her having autism will make things that much more difficult because everything moves slower. I can deal with that over time, but this was only 4 months ago and being on here is a way for me trying to move forward and deal with that news.

Someone else equates this feeling to being a caregiver.
I'm sure the reason you married her was because you loved her, but, there may have been the attached expectation that she will become the 100% type person you want, along with that love. After learning the diagnosis of autism, that may have been the clencher and now you fear she will never be what you want her to be. I don't know you and can't tell you the way to find the happiness again. Feelings happen. They are very hard to change. The love and happiness you knew happened then the unhappy happened.
That is why being able to relate to being HFA is like and how others always seem to eventually turn away from me, I've stayed solitairy.

As I have been talking on here I think I am realizing my fear is not that she is not going to become who I want her to be, but just simply that for a while now I have been trying to deal with there being one more thing piled on to everything else I have to deal with. I realized around when she got the diagnosis that she only understands about 20-40% of what I say or what goes on in our relationship. Me now wants to help change those numbers and help her be more confident in being able to understand things around her. However, me around 4-6 months ago was not in a good place and it was just a huge shock to me. I didn't know how to understand or receive that information. Things are getting better, but only for our relationship and for her. She is trying really hard to learn what I need to make me happy. I am more happy now that I have been in the last 2 years. A lot of what I said is also I guess just saying everything I have felt out loud to people who could actually understand what I feel and what she feels. To hopefully have people that do understand help with opinions stories so that I can obtain more understanding and grow with her instead of just expecting her to grow and push me along at the same time.

 

[TylerNT]

A bit confused.Why were the dishes not touched, when you said: could she HELP with the dishes?

What you could try doing is this: hey there; you forgotten already to help with the dishes? Come lets get them done together and a big smile and holding out your hand to her.

It could be she actually forgot. I know when I have been engrossed with a book, I forget my surroundings.

Another thing. Has she given up work? Because if so, then little by little she will learn that it means helping around the house more. However if she is still working and that was a day of work and she is relaxing, why should she help with the dishes?

My husband goes out to work and I would ever ask him to help me with the dishes. I use the day time to relax, so that I do not resent being busy in the evening. He helps me at the weekend, otherwise there is no balance and means that 7/7 I am working and he is not. But do not demand full help, because he has to have time off as well.

With the dishes, she had just lost track of time. And really I am fine with that. It's not like I was saying "Do the dishes woman! That is your place" lol. It was definitely nothing like that. All I am saying is that I left to go get groceries and was gone for about an hour. I knew that if she would get the dishes done and I help with laundry when I got back that after that we could play a board game or do something fun together. When I got home I did the dishes and helped her finish laundry when I was done, but we ran out of time and had to go to bed for work the next day. We both work in the school district. She is a Special Ed teacher and I am a computer tech. This was on the weekend where we did not have anything going on except relaxing. We always do date night on friday, relax and do something fun on saturday, and relax for part of the day and then get chores done on sunday. She knows the routine, but there are times where getting her to understand the importance (no matter how I explain it) of getting chores done can be very difficult. Its difficult to be understanding when its 3pm on sunday (we normally start chores around 1-2pm) and I ask her to do something so that we can multitask, and I tell her that it would be fun to play a game before bed. She says that sounds fun but she just wants to finish the chapter. I say okay and then leave. I get back and find the TV on and nothing is done. She knows that helping with the dishes would have made me happy because we could have played a game that night (something i was looking forward to). She read a 2nd chapter and then lost track of time and then forgot about what I asked her to help with, and then remembered about a show she wanted to watch. I know she gets engrossed in a book too. But when do I get to know that I can trust her to do something so that I can be excited about something later? I could have guilt tripped her into doing the dishes before I left, I could have demanded that she put down her book to help. I am trying to move away from those emotions so that I can learn to trust my wife again.

Did I explain that better? I love my wife, and I survived the first part of our relationship because I was happy when my wife is happy. I still feel this way, but now I just have the need to be happy the way I like to be happy. Like playing a game with my best friend on the last night of the weekend before we have to go back to the grindstone and work for 5 more days.

 

[krissie1230]

K, I'm going to be the unpopular voice here. Why is your wife expected to do all the 'learning' in this relationship? It's like she's trying desperately to run up this steep hill towards you, and you're at the top saying it's just not enough, run faster. Therapy must be stressful for her, if at the back of her mind she knows that she'll lose you if it doesn't work, because believe me, she knows that this is a possibility. You knew her a year and a half before you got married, that's enough time to see her for who she is, why did you marry her anyway? People don't 'lose who they are'. Imagine making that statement as a 5 year old, I'm not going to work hard at xyz because it's too stressful, and I don't want to lose myself trying to get through this. What kind of adult would you have become? My point is, people 'lose' themselves quite often, the situations that life can throw at them does that, and they adapt and evolve as a result. You do not have to fear that this will be the rest of your life, because trust me, your wife would probably very much life to move on with life as well and be happy, don't underestimate her determination. Also, the focus seems to be a lot on her diagnoses' and therapy, what do you two like to do for fun?

I'm going to be unpopular by saying the opposite. My situation is very much like your wife's. My parents were badly abusive - to the point where I was put in foster care and suffer from traumatic brain injury. After I left home, I married a man much like your wife's first husband and I have further scars from that. In my case, I didn't have a new husband to help me get over those issues, I had to do it myself.

Yes, your wife has had a lot to overcome and will continue to have a lot to overcome and I sympathize with that. But she's also a grown-up with grown-up responsibilities. And those include things like doing the dishes, helping care for the house, and not expecting her husband to cater to her in every way. No one knows more than me the difficulties that autism bring in keeping track of all the things that have to get done - but she can't keep using that as an excuse and making you responsible for everything. You're her husband, not her parent. If that continues, she will find herself divorced again because no one will allow themself to be taken advantage of forever, no matter how much love there is.

You should both continue therapy, but also take a more proactive approach to everyday life. I have daily/weekly/monthly chore lists for myself and both my kids, written down and in a notebook. And yep, I look at them and check them off every day. Autistics thrive on schedules and order, so make use of that (knowing what to expect also helps with PTSD). If you both have laid out what's expected, no one will feel taken advantage of, even if things aren't exactly 50/50. You also won't have to feel like the bad guy when something isn't done, you can blame the notebook "Did everything in the notebook get done?"

Don't forget to schedule fun time too - date night, etc. It's not easy, but this stuff helped me feel like I'm more in control and not so overwhelmed. If it's all written down, then I don't forget stuff and let it get to the point where I feel like there's no way I can every catch up.

 

[TylerNT]

I'm going to be unpopular by saying the opposite. My situation is very much like your wife's. My parents were badly abusive - to the point where I was put in foster care and suffer from traumatic brain injury. After I left home, I married a man much like your wife's first husband and I have further scars from that. In my case, I didn't have a new husband to help me get over those issues, I had to do it myself.

Yes, your wife has had a lot to overcome and will continue to have a lot to overcome and I sympathize with that. But she's also a grown-up with grown-up responsibilities. And those include things like doing the dishes, helping care for the house, and not expecting her husband to cater to her in every way. No one knows more than me the difficulties that autism bring in keeping track of all the things that have to get done - but she can't keep using that as an excuse and making you responsible for everything. You're her husband, not her parent. If that continues, she will find herself divorced again because no one will allow themself to be taken advantage of forever, no matter how much love there is.

You should both continue therapy, but also take a more proactive approach to everyday life. I have daily/weekly/monthly chore lists for myself and both my kids, written down and in a notebook. And yep, I look at them and check them off every day. Autistics thrive on schedules and order, so make use of that (knowing what to expect also helps with PTSD). If you both have laid out what's expected, no one will feel taken advantage of, even if things aren't exactly 50/50. You also won't have to feel like the bad guy when something isn't done, you can blame the notebook "Did everything in the notebook get done?"

Don't forget to schedule fun time too - date night, etc. It's not easy, but this stuff helped me feel like I'm more in control and not so overwhelmed. If it's all written down, then I don't forget stuff and let it get to the point where I feel like there's no way I can every catch up.

First of all as I have been apart of the daily struggles my wife has had to experience I would like to say how sorry I am that you had to go through what you did.
I think one of the biggest things that is difficult for her right now is. She has accepted the news that she has autism, but she still wants to live her life as though she doesnt have autism. I have tried starting daily routines, and she is able to do them for sometimes up to a week. Even with the longest she has lasted being 2 weeks she always stops the routine because she wants to do what she used to do before the diagnosis. I know that she is excited about the routine whenever we make the effort to start one, but then she does the routine and more or less feels bored doing the same thing all the time. Maybe that could be ADD, maybe that could be her personality, but all I know is schedules and routines would help us get stronger as a couple, but she can't seem to keep up with them.
She may have accepted that she has autism but still does not know how to process, because she has spent her whole life trying to hide her autistic side from everyone that would abuse her for being different. Now she is being asked to not just unhide her autistic side, but to also understand it and learn how to live with it. Where before she has always hated this (what she now knows is autism) about herself because she was always told its the worst part about her.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

But it is hard to see that this will not be the rest of my life because again on top of everything else we had to deal with in our relationship when we found out about the diagnosis I found out shortly after that she only has ever understood 20-40% of what I say on a daily basis. Which for me was hard to take because of everything that I did to help things in the beginning, I just felt lost for about a month and the rest of the time I have been feeling better and working through things with therapy. I trust me I know how it is 10 times worse for her understanding this information. but that doesnt mean I dont feel anything either. Which is why I am on here trying to work through everything.

This is something that cuts both ways. 20-40% she understood you. The opposite side is also true.
I would worry about the way you are defining your wifes problems for her.
In a relationship,its both ways.

Youre dealing with a subset of people that have tried their very best to communicate effectively.

It is one of the main asperger/autism elements:

Being constantly misunderstood.

You seem to have phrased it the opposite way.

It may not be ten times worse finding out after diagnosis.

For a lot on here, it has made things much easier. Discovering an explanation why we have been misunderstood all this time.

I also realise that are other considerations, ie complex defense mechanisms etc but i thought i would try to communicate something that occured to me after I read your post.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I found this site to be interested.

An NT wife, who appears at first read to be hopeless but ,it it written purposefully, to draw you in.
She has some interesting insights into communication difficulties in an aspie marriage.
First port of call :

WHAT ABOUT ASPERGER’S SYNDROME AND EMPATHY: Aspie vs. Antisocial Personality Disorder – Happy Asperger Marriage

 

[TylerNT]

This is something that cuts both ways. 20-40% she understood you. The opposite side is also true.
I would worry about the way you are defining your wifes problems for her.
In a relationship,its both ways.

Youre dealing with a subset of people that have tried their very best to communicate effectively.

It is one of the main asperger/autism elements:

Being constantly misunderstood.

You seem to have phrased it the opposite way.

It may not be ten times worse finding out after diagnosis.

For a lot on here, it has made things much easier. Discovering an explanation why we have been misunderstood all this time.

I also realise that are other considerations, ie complex defense mechanisms etc but i thought i would try to communicate something that occured to me after I read your post.

The most difficult thing in our relationship has always been that she has never told me she does not understand me, or that she needs me to say it a different way, or that she needs me to slow down.

On the other side with me, I have never felt that I do not understand what she is saying or feeling, she has never been good at hiding facial expressions, and although she doesnt always know how to tell me what she is feeling or that she is trying to keep the way she is feeling about something. I have always been able to read her facial expressions and understand what she is feeling sometimes even before she does. I take a lot of time to make sure that she is happy and that she feels understood and has the freedom to say anything she needs to.

Thank you for your reply. There are a lot of things that we are both trying work on and to continue to try to accept what what is now real. I did not mean to say that this information literally has hit her 10 times worse than me, all I was meaning was that it did hit her harder than it did me because with this she has been trying to hide this side of her self from everyone (especially me) her entire life and now (after the diagnosis, and after I understand what has been going on) she is being told to stop and let the world see her for who she is.

 

[TylerNT]

I found this site to be interested.

An NT wife, who appears at first read to be hopeless but ,it it written purposefully, to draw you in.
She has some interesting insights into communication difficulties in an aspie marriage.
First port of call :

WHAT ABOUT ASPERGER’S SYNDROME AND EMPATHY: Aspie vs. Antisocial Personality Disorder – Happy Asperger Marriage

Thank you for this link. I will read it when I can and share it with my wife as well.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

The most difficult thing in our relationship has always been that she has never told me she does not understand me, or that she needs me to say it a different way, or that she needs me to slow down.

On the other side with me, I have never felt that I do not understand what she is saying or feeling, she has never been good at hiding facial expressions, and although she doesnt always know how to tell me what she is feeling or that she is trying to keep the way she is feeling about something. I have always been able to read her facial expressions and understand what she is feeling sometimes even before she does. I take a lot of time to make sure that she is happy and that she feels understood and has the freedom to say anything she needs to.

Thank you for your reply. There are a lot of things that we are both trying work on and to continue to try to accept what what is now real. I did not mean to say that this information literally has hit her 10 times worse than me, all I was meaning was that it did hit her harder than it did me because with this she has been trying to hide this side of her self from everyone (especially me) her entire life and now (after the diagnosis, and after I understand what has been going on) she is being told to stop and let the world see her for who she is.

My wife tries to read my face to see what im feeling too.

I don't really think about things in that way. Ie a 'feeling' as such is often not generated.
But the expectation of 'feelings' and 'reactions' is one of the tnings that a 'mask' is created. To avoid being seen as being 'off'
To avoid being asked 'whats wrong?' To avoid being analysed...

To constantly have to explain myself in someone elses terms (ie NT) when its not normal for me to think in those terms.
Often i will say 'im doing great' or whatever to make any quizzing stop.

It doesnt mean im not doing great. It means i dont feel the need to defi e myself or it takes too much energy to do so.
Its not about 'feelings'

I have said things like this before ' i understand everything'

Saying that (the way youve phrased it above) can often be a barrier to understanding.

Trying to give a perspective here.

To say you understood her prefectly, implication she doesnt know herself.....

That would annoy me greatly.

 

[TylerNT]

My wife tries to read my face to see what im feeling too.

I don't really think about things in that way. Ie a 'feeling' as such is often not generated.
But the expectation of 'feelings' and 'reactions' is one of the tnings that a 'mask' is created. To avoid being seen as being 'off'
To avoid being asked 'whats wrong?' To avoid being analysed...

To constantly have to explain myself in someone elses terms (ie NT) when its not normal for me to think in those terms.
Often i will say 'im doing great' or whatever to make any quizzing stop.

It doesnt mean im not doing great. It means i dont feel the need to defi e myself or it takes too much energy to do so.
Its not about 'feelings'

I have said things like this before ' i understand everything'

Saying that (the way youve phrased it above) can often be a barrier to understanding.

Trying to give a perspective here.

To say you understood her prefectly, implication she doesnt know herself.....

That would annoy me greatly.

I completely understand....accept [] what you are saying. What I left out was that I understand everything..that I can. If she doesn't want to talk, if she doesn't want to tell me what is going on than I can only understand what I can see and hear. Maybe we are different (when it comes to her not feeling like I am badgering her) because of the way we started our relationship. She learned that by answering my questions and by talking with me that she felt happier and I was not going to treat her like people in her past did. She was able to grow as a person and learn from things we talked about. I never force her to talk, if she doesn't feel like answering my questions than I ask "do you need time to process" and then I ask if she would like to be with me or alone as she does that.

Bottom line is life is about doing an action or making a decision and learning from that whether it turned out good or bad. We have learned a lot about what works and doesn't work. In my past I was made fun of everyday I went to school from anyone and everyone during 2nd grade thru 12th grade. My wife knows that when my Mom asked me at the end of the day how my day was and if I said it was bad, I had to relive my trauma, or explain things I didn't know how to explain. My wife knows that I don't want her to go through that situation with me. She communicates with me when I am being "too much" and then I back off because I don't ever want someone to feel the way I felt when I was a kid.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I completely understand....accept [] what you are saying. What I left out was that I understand everything..that I can. If she doesn't want to talk, if she doesn't want to tell me what is going on than I can only understand what I can see and hear. Maybe we are different (when it comes to her not feeling like I am badgering her) because of the way we started our relationship. She learned that by answering my questions and by talking with me that she felt happier and I was not going to treat her like people in her past did. She was able to grow as a person and learn from things we talked about. I never force her to talk, if she doesn't feel like answering my questions than I ask "do you need time to process" and then I ask if she would like to be with me or alone as she does that.

Bottom line is life is about doing an action or making a decision and learning from that whether it turned out good or bad. We have learned a lot about what works and doesn't work. In my past I was made fun of everyday I went to school from anyone and everyone during 2nd grade thru 12th grade. My wife knows that when my Mom asked me at the end of the day how my day was and if I said it was bad, I had to relive my trauma, or explain things I didn't know how to explain. My wife knows that I don't want her to go through that situation with me. She communicates with me when I am being "too much" and then I back off because I don't ever want someone to feel the way I felt when I was a kid.

Thanks for the reply.

It seems to me like you have a considered and thoughtful approach to things.
Certainly not a straightforward situation!
The web link i sent you, j though was interesting.
Whilst some,perhaps does nlt hit the spot precisely, there seems to be an eventual understanding from both sides about the communication differences.

I did say to my wife, it wasnt about tomato, tomahto (the song)

More like ' tomato,hedgehog'

So we have a sense of humor about our misunderstandings. 15 years in we both realised we didnt have a clue!
Then we did some more laughing

 

[isthisreallife]

First of all my wife is not going to lose me if all of this doesn't work, we will just reassess and try something else. She is not the only one learning in this relationship, this is why I have an individual therapist that is trained in understanding autism so that he can show me how to better communicate with her, and better react to situations. Also this is why I am on this site and posted this article. I want to hear your opinion so that I can learn even more.
I do not disagree with you that so far I have treated this relationship as me at the top of the hill. The only thing I will say is that it is more like we are on a hike up a hill together and I get frustrated with moving so slowly and so I walk faster. That is when I am looking down waiting for her. All of this is different now than 2 years ago though. I don't really do that as much any more. Now I walk sometimes faster but then I typically walk back to her realizing she needs help getting to where I was. (again speaking in the analogy).

I know people do lose themselves in the mix of lifes situations and life requires people to adapt or give up. I know that I do not want to give up I want to adapt. I did learn who she was one year into our relationship, but all I am saying with that part is I knew that she was going through immense trauma from everything in her past and that she needed help seeing life could be something different. I got to know her through showing her this. Everything I saw is still what I see and that is still why I am in this fighting as hard as I am. As I said before she developed coping mechanisms to prevent other people from seeing the "autistic side" of her. Because in her past if she didnt get really good at hiding that side of her she would be abused physically and emotionally really bad. All I am saying is that I knew she had ADD and PTSD and anxiety. Up until this point if a situation that happened in her past happened to us, she would never want to see what I would do, she would react the way she knew she needed to react to prevent her from getting hurt more than she could if she did nothing. She would put herself in an imaginary box and hide there from me. Something even as simple as being at costco and purposely walking down lanes that didnt have the sample people in them because she didnt want to see how if I would react the way her ex did with hitting her if she didnt go get him samples. My point is it hurt that she didn't try to trust me. She has tried since then and we are passed the costco scene and eat samples ALL the time
My wife definitely has enough determination and she definetely wants to learn how to control what seems impossible to control. Mostly she is wanting to do this for herself, and the parts that have to do with helping our marriage are the parts she is doing for me and us. But it is hard to see that this will not be the rest of my life because again on top of everything else we had to deal with in our relationship when we found out about the diagnosis I found out shortly after that she only has ever understood 20-40% of what I say on a daily basis. Which for me was hard to take because of everything that I did to help things in the beginning, I just felt lost for about a month and the rest of the time I have been feeling better and working through things with therapy. I trust me I know how it is 10 times worse for her understanding this information. but that doesnt mean I dont feel anything either. Which is why I am on here trying to work through everything.

We still go on date night every friday, we still do something fun every saturday, and chores on sunday. Our relationship and marriage has not changed with how good we are together. But learning that I do not know how to communicate with my wife has changed. And it is slowly changing. As I said in the beginning. She is not the only one learning. This is a process for both of us.[/QUOTE

After reading this I have a better understanding of your frustrations now, and all things considered, you're handling it exceptionally well IMO. You clearly are self aware, as you're able to identify what it is you are feeling, and articulate it. I'm optimistic that, while it will not be easy, that the both of you are going to weather this together and come out on top. Now that you're learning to speak her language, and her yours, communication will become better, clearer. You both sound like very strong people, you both can do this.