Devin S. Johnson
Someone Stole Me Nickname
Greetings to all who found the vague title for this thread interesting!
I am a soon-to-be sixteen year old male from Sarasota, Florida. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at the young age of one year old, and I managed to grow out of stereotypical behaviors that initially limited me (strict diets, antisocial behaviors, repeated phrases, some tics, hitting my head against objects). I have a few friends and an online girlfriend in the Netherlands, with our six-month anniversary having already passed.
I am new to this forum, and I chose to make an account on it due to some emotional and psychological problems I have been experiencing for three years. Due to depression, bipolar disorder, and an inferiority complex, I was institutionalized four times in one year from suicidal behaviors during school hours two years ago. I have gone through several types of therapy and medication, but my problems now escape what modern medicine or even the company of my family and friends can aid.
I had a lonely childhood where my parents were not there to comfort or interact heavily with me; I do not feel as attached to them as I should be, with fights being common place. I would swim in toys, technology, and television for 4-6 year olds (at 8-12 years of age) rather than with people. I often enter long tangents over simple mistakes, where I scathingly insult myself for being of low intelligence for typically 20-40 minutes. I often criticize my memory (which is poor) and habits as being insubstantial and useless, as I am overweight and unable to attend a job due to the inactivity of my parents (I rely on them to assist me) and for being unstable. It is as if even the tiniest things can set me off like an atomic bomb. I struggle heavily with learning from my mistakes, and I do not see them as ways to improve, but rather signs of my inability to support myself or contribute to society.
This is often to the point that I cannot find positive qualities in myself or be able to aspire to more. Whenever I enter this antagonistic mindset, I often wish I was dead or a stupid animal so I would not have to feel the pain of being too intelligent to live in bliss but too unintelligent to be capable of anything more than simple tasks. Once my bursts of anxiety are over, I tend to forget about what happened until I make a recurring error or screw anything up, at which point it restarts again. This continuous explosive behavior has led me to become a bully towards my family and close to shutting myself away from social communication. I feel no motivation or drive to do more, and I just cannot take it. I keep asking for my friends to stop talking to me.
I ask of you, the kind and understanding people you are, to help me find a way to change myself or at least find inner peace. Whenever I "explode", my body and head feel weak, and this problem occurs almost every day. I thank you so much for your efforts, as I do not know how to change myself alone. I am stuck in my old habits, and every day feels the exact same.
Have a great day, whoever you are and wherever you may be.
Devin S. Johnson II
I am a soon-to-be sixteen year old male from Sarasota, Florida. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at the young age of one year old, and I managed to grow out of stereotypical behaviors that initially limited me (strict diets, antisocial behaviors, repeated phrases, some tics, hitting my head against objects). I have a few friends and an online girlfriend in the Netherlands, with our six-month anniversary having already passed.
I am new to this forum, and I chose to make an account on it due to some emotional and psychological problems I have been experiencing for three years. Due to depression, bipolar disorder, and an inferiority complex, I was institutionalized four times in one year from suicidal behaviors during school hours two years ago. I have gone through several types of therapy and medication, but my problems now escape what modern medicine or even the company of my family and friends can aid.
I had a lonely childhood where my parents were not there to comfort or interact heavily with me; I do not feel as attached to them as I should be, with fights being common place. I would swim in toys, technology, and television for 4-6 year olds (at 8-12 years of age) rather than with people. I often enter long tangents over simple mistakes, where I scathingly insult myself for being of low intelligence for typically 20-40 minutes. I often criticize my memory (which is poor) and habits as being insubstantial and useless, as I am overweight and unable to attend a job due to the inactivity of my parents (I rely on them to assist me) and for being unstable. It is as if even the tiniest things can set me off like an atomic bomb. I struggle heavily with learning from my mistakes, and I do not see them as ways to improve, but rather signs of my inability to support myself or contribute to society.
This is often to the point that I cannot find positive qualities in myself or be able to aspire to more. Whenever I enter this antagonistic mindset, I often wish I was dead or a stupid animal so I would not have to feel the pain of being too intelligent to live in bliss but too unintelligent to be capable of anything more than simple tasks. Once my bursts of anxiety are over, I tend to forget about what happened until I make a recurring error or screw anything up, at which point it restarts again. This continuous explosive behavior has led me to become a bully towards my family and close to shutting myself away from social communication. I feel no motivation or drive to do more, and I just cannot take it. I keep asking for my friends to stop talking to me.
I ask of you, the kind and understanding people you are, to help me find a way to change myself or at least find inner peace. Whenever I "explode", my body and head feel weak, and this problem occurs almost every day. I thank you so much for your efforts, as I do not know how to change myself alone. I am stuck in my old habits, and every day feels the exact same.
Have a great day, whoever you are and wherever you may be.
Devin S. Johnson II