A String of Unstable Neurons

[Devin S. Johnson]

Greetings to all who found the vague title for this thread interesting!

I am a soon-to-be sixteen year old male from Sarasota, Florida. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at the young age of one year old, and I managed to grow out of stereotypical behaviors that initially limited me (strict diets, antisocial behaviors, repeated phrases, some tics, hitting my head against objects). I have a few friends and an online girlfriend in the Netherlands, with our six-month anniversary having already passed.

I am new to this forum, and I chose to make an account on it due to some emotional and psychological problems I have been experiencing for three years. Due to depression, bipolar disorder, and an inferiority complex, I was institutionalized four times in one year from suicidal behaviors during school hours two years ago. I have gone through several types of therapy and medication, but my problems now escape what modern medicine or even the company of my family and friends can aid.

I had a lonely childhood where my parents were not there to comfort or interact heavily with me; I do not feel as attached to them as I should be, with fights being common place. I would swim in toys, technology, and television for 4-6 year olds (at 8-12 years of age) rather than with people. I often enter long tangents over simple mistakes, where I scathingly insult myself for being of low intelligence for typically 20-40 minutes. I often criticize my memory (which is poor) and habits as being insubstantial and useless, as I am overweight and unable to attend a job due to the inactivity of my parents (I rely on them to assist me) and for being unstable. It is as if even the tiniest things can set me off like an atomic bomb. I struggle heavily with learning from my mistakes, and I do not see them as ways to improve, but rather signs of my inability to support myself or contribute to society.

This is often to the point that I cannot find positive qualities in myself or be able to aspire to more. Whenever I enter this antagonistic mindset, I often wish I was dead or a stupid animal so I would not have to feel the pain of being too intelligent to live in bliss but too unintelligent to be capable of anything more than simple tasks. Once my bursts of anxiety are over, I tend to forget about what happened until I make a recurring error or screw anything up, at which point it restarts again. This continuous explosive behavior has led me to become a bully towards my family and close to shutting myself away from social communication. I feel no motivation or drive to do more, and I just cannot take it. I keep asking for my friends to stop talking to me.

I ask of you, the kind and understanding people you are, to help me find a way to change myself or at least find inner peace. Whenever I "explode", my body and head feel weak, and this problem occurs almost every day. I thank you so much for your efforts, as I do not know how to change myself alone. I am stuck in my old habits, and every day feels the exact same.

Have a great day, whoever you are and wherever you may be.

Devin S. Johnson II

 

[tree]

 

[GadAbout]

Hello, Devin. Welcome to Autism Forums.

You said you have "been through" several types of therapy, but you did not say if any therapy is ongoing. You need a therapist as you move through the storms of adolescence, as well as to continue working with you on self-blame and self-calming. Please read this again. You need to be in on-going therapy. Not forever, probably, but during this most difficult maturational phase, which your behavior proves you are not handling great on your own.

You told us only of your weaknesses but not of your strengths (except that having a girlfriend, even an online one, is a strength), so the other thing you have to do is learn your strengths and play to them. Being able to see only your weaknesses is a common symptom of depression, and treatment that helps you learn your strengths is very valuable.

The other thing you need to do is develop a healthier self-esteem and peer relationships. The forums can be extremely helpful in this regard. Most of us here have had experiences similar to yourself and are willing to share suggestions.

Good for you, for coming here and asking for help. You are very welcome here.

 

[Nitro]

Hi Devin

 

[Mia]

Welcome Devin S., hope we can help in some way.

 

[Devin S. Johnson]

Thank you for your speedy reply and making me feel at home, GadAbout. Yes, I experience difficulty with seeing none of my strengths, even when I am not depressed. I am not currently in therapy because my family dropped me from it due to a lack of progress. I will ask my father about running me through therapy again.

If you desire to learn more about me outside of my insecurities, I shall share. Usually, autistics are wrapped up in a specific quirk, and mine happens to be music. I have a wide arsenal of musical knowledge across genres from jazz to rock and heavy metal. My tastes run through everything in between those two and beyond them. I am learning how to play the bass guitar (I am focused in jazz and funk music), with my influences being Trevor Dunn of Mr. Bungle, Ryan Martinie of Mudvayne, Victor Wooten, and my musical hero Jaco Pastorius.

I am an exceptional student, having skipped the third grade and being a high B-to-medium A student. I also easily get along with school employees. Because of the psychological problems I have been experiencing, school tends to frustrate me and I easily fail with tasks others would find to be easy. My parents are suggesting heavily that I get a GED and attempt to enter college at 16 or 17. I do not know what to do for majors, and it appears my father spent all of the money I had saved for college on stupid things.

 

[Devin S. Johnson]

I am grateful for your kindness, everyone.

 

[Bolletje]

Intriguing title indeed! Welcome to the forums

 

[GadAbout]

Thank you for your speedy reply and making me feel at home, GadAbout. Yes, I experience difficulty with seeing none of my strengths, even when I am not depressed. I am not currently in therapy because my family dropped me from it due to a lack of progress. I will ask my father about running me through therapy again.

Therapy is sometimes defined as weekly one hour sessions for 8 to 13 weeks. Because you have a developmental disability, you have ongoing needs for support during the stressful developmental stage known as adolescence. However, it might not need to be weekly, which keeps the cost down, if that is a factor. I currently see a therapist one time a month and go to a (free) support group once a month, and that's all I need. However, dropping therapy for "lack of progress" overlooks the reality that you NEED this support to get through a difficult time.

...I have a wide arsenal of musical knowledge across genres from jazz to rock and heavy metal...

I am an exceptional student, having skipped the third grade and being a high B-to-medium A student. I also easily get along with school employees.

Those are some FANTASTIC strengths!

Because of the psychological problems I have been experiencing, school tends to frustrate me and I easily fail with tasks others would find to be easy. My parents are suggesting heavily that I get a GED and attempt to enter college at 16 or 17. I do not know what to do for majors, and it appears my father spent all of the money I had saved for college on stupid things.

Discuss this idea with your school guidance counselor as well as your therapist or psychiatrist. Some highly academic autistic people do well by jumping straight into college, but the typical developmental delay in autism is more social than intellectual or academic. By skipping high school experiences like dating, class trips, extracurricular activities, a part-time job, proms, and the like, you might be cheating yourself later of typical developmental challenges of the teen years. Also if you can maintain high grades and ace your entrance exams (SAT etc), you may be able to get some plum scholarships, which it sounds like you need. So I can't entirely endorse your parents' plan, although it does seem like they mean well.

Spending a little more time in high school might also give you a chance to consider majors at more leisure. Premature choice of a specialization could be a problem later on if you find yourself only qualified to do a job you neither like nor have any special aptitude for. Late adolescence and early adulthood are times for learning (often through trial-and-error) who you are, knowledge which is extremely essential for adult success.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Hi Devin - welcome to the forum. I think you will get a lot of useful advice and opinions by staying close to this forum. Knowing what you like and what you do well might be a good start to giving consideration to a course of study and a career. Don't rush it. You have time to bang around ideas and options.

 

[Fino]

What medications are you taking?

I started community college when I was 17 and just took random classes I found interesting because I also didn't know what major I wanted to do.

How attached "should" we be to our parents? I guess you mean ideally? Which I guess would be "very attached"?

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[Gracey]

Hello Devin

That wonderful, clear narrative introducing yourself counts as a strength.

I found your writing; although lengthy, easy to read.

Also loved your title

I look forward to reading more of your posts.

 

[Rectify]

Welcome Devin I think you'll find this forum helpful. As you can see, you get a variety of advice from people in very different situations as well as ones similar to you. Though you still need to decide what is right for you, that breadth of information and advice gives you options you might not have thought of for yourself.

You said you have "been through" several types of therapy, but you did not say if any therapy is ongoing. You need a therapist as you move through the storms of adolescence, as well as to continue working with you on self-blame and self-calming. Please read this again. You need to be in on-going therapy. Not forever, probably, but during this most difficult maturational phase, which your behavior proves you are not handling great on your own.

This was my first thought too: Are you in therapy? (and I know you've now answered that question) Also, you should be - and I mean that in a nice way.

These kinds of thought patterns can be helped but you need someone to work through it with you. Also, as my therapist pointed out to me last time I was there, you need to consider what you talk about in therapy after you leave. In the time in between sessions work on what they suggest. For that reason I write down a few notes to concentrate on just before I leave the session, but you're young and might not have to do that to remember

By the way, it sounds like you have many gifts and strengths. I would hate for you to stay getting bogged down in your limitations (which we ALL have).

it appears my father spent all of the money I had saved for college on stupid things.

You saved the money and your father spent it? Really? If so I'm really sorry. That would be extremely disappointing. :/

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[Isadoorian]

You saved the money and your father spent it? Really? If so I'm really sorry. That would be extremely disappointing. :/

Lots of parents tend to pull that kinda crap. Especially when it comes to their kids college money. It's horrible.

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome to the forums!
Having people that have gone through many of the same things in life to communicate with is a great
place to start.
Being here has been a very good experience in adjunct with therapy.
Hope you find it as helpful as I have.

 

[Rectify]

Lots of parents tend to pull that kinda crap. Especially when it comes to their kids college money. It's horrible.

It is. Just awful.

 

[techteach]

Welcome to the forum Devin S. Johnson Lots of amazing people here!

I too am fairly addicted to music, learning to play the bass is awesome!!! Love funk, jazz, heavy metal, classical (especially Beethoven, Grieg, Hayden, Mozart) chillstep, big-band, etc. Music is what brought me through the worst times of my life, it calms me, distracts me, grabs my mind and takes me away from reality.
And not to be a nag... do whatever you can to see a therapist.

 

[Devin S. Johnson]

If only I could fully express the gratitude I feel for your beautiful and loving responses, and take immediate action upon the wise suggestions you have made.

As a correction upon the comment I made of my father wasting the money I save, it was actually money HE saved. All my brother and I have now are pieces of silver, which my father claimed he would lose money on if he cashed it in now (he also informed me that the economy would likely crash soon, making said silver useless).

I considered being an art museum curator, performer for an orchestra, or psychologist if I could be allowed in college. I applied for Publix, with my entry to the workforce being my initial intention for how I would use my summer time. I intended on raising $200-500 through excessive work so I could either begin my college savings or pay for a custom painting, but my parents were too inactive to take me to work or assist me with the application process.

I often feel as if my limitations and weaknesses drown out my strengths, as if you dropped a black bowling ball in a vat of motor oil. My mind often makes me confuse visible objects for others or mishear instructions despite paying clear attention to them. I also am hostile and violent towards those that anger me, and with little respect towards my family.

Yes, I would like to continue with therapy, but I do not know how effective it would now be. I treat these forums as being a more-active and personal form of therapy to me.

My apologies for my lengthy explanations.

Have a great day, whoever you are and wherever you may be.

Devin S. Johnson II