Do you have anything to help with this? Have set up another joint session with my son's therapist.
I am not unduly stressing out my child. I support him so he's out of Defense Mode. His dad & I have separate homes, divorced. He is convinced that whenever he is with me, he feels stressed and last time, nauseous. And he's told me that nearly every time he's with me, since January.
I keep telling him it hurts me, it's not acceptable, it upsets me, etc. Additionally, his dad doesn't support being respectful toward me.
Last parenting time, he was feeling nauseous and said it was my fault. After telling him (again) that it's unacceptable to say that to me & trying numerous kind things (such as ginger tea), I let him go early, and he left himself logged into the computer. Normally I wouldn't look at his chat messages with family. I saw that he told his dad I was letting him go early, and dad said "me too." Stepmom was picking him up & listed the yummy things he got him from McDonald's. They were encouraging & celebrating him leaving my parenting time early.
I'm not easily offended. I've offered to troubleshoot the problem - get to the bottom of whatever might be in the house or in what I'm doing, to cause him stress. We've been to counseling. All he's said is "I don't know, it's subconscious."
The other day he said, he didn't know what I've done or what is going on at my house that would be causing it, he just feels stress or nausea and has no other explanation - so according to him, it must be me. He's claimed he doesn't feel it at dad's.
I told him by his logic, the consequences his dad & stepmom gave him, after he stole money a long time ago, would have caused him a permanent state of stress. They yelled at him, his dad threatened to get rid of his rabbits, they made him stay in his bedroom for days. He said no, that stress was temporary, it faded.
The only possible clue I have is, his Aspie dad said I used to "stress him out." He brought that up again recently. I don't know if he latched on to that idea and has internalized it in some way as a permanent condition. Psychosomatic?
His therapist doesn't see how I am causing him any unusual stress or anything. Nobody else around us, has either.
I've explained to him that what he's said hurts me, it insults me, and he just keeps saying things like "It’s not an insult, I’m stating that it’s stress, and nothing else would cause it. I’m stating what’s happening, not trying to make you feel bad." This has come up before, and I've told him, I'm glad you don't intend to make me feel bad. Nonetheless, it hurts, it's disrespectful, and this is not how we treat our parents. The nausea is real for him, and maybe he doesn't know what's causing it, and that's OK. But saying it must be me, because he can't figure out "another reason," is not OK.
When I ignore him, he repeats over & over, can I go to dad's. There are usually no other people in the house for him to focus on.
I have a mentor who is convinced my son is abusing me, and that my best option to establish boundaries (since his dad is unsupportive / unhelpful at best) is for him not to spend time with me.
If he shows up & doesn't want to be with me, I can send him right back to dad's, instead of waiting until he says that later into the time. Or I can make him stay, and take away computer time, not do anything special for fun, etc. or other consequences I've done before. But I'd be trying the same things that haven't changed the situation already.
Please help.
I am not unduly stressing out my child. I support him so he's out of Defense Mode. His dad & I have separate homes, divorced. He is convinced that whenever he is with me, he feels stressed and last time, nauseous. And he's told me that nearly every time he's with me, since January.
I keep telling him it hurts me, it's not acceptable, it upsets me, etc. Additionally, his dad doesn't support being respectful toward me.
Last parenting time, he was feeling nauseous and said it was my fault. After telling him (again) that it's unacceptable to say that to me & trying numerous kind things (such as ginger tea), I let him go early, and he left himself logged into the computer. Normally I wouldn't look at his chat messages with family. I saw that he told his dad I was letting him go early, and dad said "me too." Stepmom was picking him up & listed the yummy things he got him from McDonald's. They were encouraging & celebrating him leaving my parenting time early.
I'm not easily offended. I've offered to troubleshoot the problem - get to the bottom of whatever might be in the house or in what I'm doing, to cause him stress. We've been to counseling. All he's said is "I don't know, it's subconscious."
The other day he said, he didn't know what I've done or what is going on at my house that would be causing it, he just feels stress or nausea and has no other explanation - so according to him, it must be me. He's claimed he doesn't feel it at dad's.
I told him by his logic, the consequences his dad & stepmom gave him, after he stole money a long time ago, would have caused him a permanent state of stress. They yelled at him, his dad threatened to get rid of his rabbits, they made him stay in his bedroom for days. He said no, that stress was temporary, it faded.
The only possible clue I have is, his Aspie dad said I used to "stress him out." He brought that up again recently. I don't know if he latched on to that idea and has internalized it in some way as a permanent condition. Psychosomatic?
His therapist doesn't see how I am causing him any unusual stress or anything. Nobody else around us, has either.
I've explained to him that what he's said hurts me, it insults me, and he just keeps saying things like "It’s not an insult, I’m stating that it’s stress, and nothing else would cause it. I’m stating what’s happening, not trying to make you feel bad." This has come up before, and I've told him, I'm glad you don't intend to make me feel bad. Nonetheless, it hurts, it's disrespectful, and this is not how we treat our parents. The nausea is real for him, and maybe he doesn't know what's causing it, and that's OK. But saying it must be me, because he can't figure out "another reason," is not OK.
When I ignore him, he repeats over & over, can I go to dad's. There are usually no other people in the house for him to focus on.
I have a mentor who is convinced my son is abusing me, and that my best option to establish boundaries (since his dad is unsupportive / unhelpful at best) is for him not to spend time with me.
If he shows up & doesn't want to be with me, I can send him right back to dad's, instead of waiting until he says that later into the time. Or I can make him stay, and take away computer time, not do anything special for fun, etc. or other consequences I've done before. But I'd be trying the same things that haven't changed the situation already.
Please help.
