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The World Behind The World

Hi everyone :)

I'm sure a few of you have noticed my posts becoming less frequent lately, so I thought that perhaps it would be good to share what I have been preoccupied with these past few weeks. Just a fair warning; this post is probably a bit more self-indulgent than my usual ones, but here goes...

Since first plunging myself head first down the rabbit hole, in pursuit of my quest for answers, I find myself climbing out of the other side of that tunnel, in to a very different world indeed. I feel that I have evolved in to something greater from the many lessons that I have learned along the way, and have satisfied many of my initial needs, from when I had first set out...yet I find myself wanting more from this journey of mine.

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I know what it is that I want from my journey, and from my life, though I know that I am still a very long way from achieving it. I found myself somewhat drifting in to a state of limbo. I had run out of questions (I'm sure some of you may have noticed my posts becoming less frequent), and found myself becoming more of a lurker.

I eventually came to the conclusion that I required a new interest to bridge this gap, though for a while I wasn't sure what I should do to achieve this. I needed to re-focus, and find a new direction, so that I could once again ground myself. I eventually decided that what I needed, was a new project, to satisfy my thirst for knowledge.

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At first, I found that it was in the community itself, that I could find answers. Rather than focusing on AS on it's own, I started to take an interest in individuals. I begun to take a closer look at the lives of various others on the spectrum; one individual in particular I connect very well with (we seem to share so many similarities, it's actually quite amazing), and we've become very good friends.

From these various conversations, I was opened up to many new, and interesting, truths, which suggested that not all of the facts that I had learned, were as concrete as I had initially thought. In fact, the more I explored, and learned, the more I realised that not all writings about AS were so accurate at all; this included writings from published authors. Of course, I don't wish to undermine any of them; if anything, I am grateful for their contributions. It's merely an observation as to how broad this spectrum really is, and how much we as a society have to learn about the vast nature of AS, and all it's complex variables.

Variables, such as the typical "female" vs. "male" persona; which is not so black and white, but rather varying levels of grey; individuals with various other conditions, working simultaneously, which adds various complexities to their situation, or personality; and of course, my latest interest, the "Social Aspie". I could go on, but I won't, as it would fill many pages.

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I was quite enjoying this new direction, and was very grateful for my new friendships...yet after a while, I found that same thirst for knowledge urging me once again to do more. But what more could I do here? Of course, I had no intention of leaving this place, as it has been a very important step in my journey, and I consider it my second home. It had become clear however, that perhaps I needed to venture out, and stretch my legs a little (metaphorically speaking).

And so it began. I started venturing outside from home, in search for answers once more. I searched high and low, checked under every rock, and utilised my skills to better search for whatever it was that I clearly needed to find (as I was still unsure of what I was looking for). Little did I know though, that in my search for answers, someone else would instead find me, in search of their own.


Out of pure luck, I had run in to this individual. They had heard my calls, and so introduced themselves to me, and explained that they had seen a glimmer of themselves in me. Like walking past a mirror for the very first time, they had to stop, to inspect the reflection a little closer. They explained that they had never met another who they could relate to so well.

What I knew immediately, was more "sensed", than anything else (though all those months of obsessively researching definitely played it's part). I was hesitant at first to share my immediate gut feeling; that I could 'sense' in them, what this individual had also sensed in me. I didn't want to feed them potentially false information, yet I couldn't let them go; knowing that I could help them; and with little effort.

I decided to reply; advising them to consider a possibility. The possibility of AS. The simple, small truth, had had a tremendous affect on them. At first, I was worried that I had opened Pandora's Box, and would have to start putting out flames; but I was assured that I had in fact done the opposite. They had seen the light; and what an impact it had had on them. They expressed their gratitude, and voiced their desire to meet, in person. It was then, I knew I had found a friend in this person; and that the feeling was mutual.

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We arranged to meet. Of course, I was was wary that they were a stranger, and so ensured I was smart about it all. I must admit, despite being comfortable enough to meet up with them, I felt a little anxious, yet excited. I had no idea what to expect. What kind of Aspie (if at all) could they potentially be? There was always the chance that we would simply have nothing to say. After all, I had met other Aspies in person before, and though we were able to understand one another, none of us had ever 'clicked'. Before I knew it, they had found me.

We made our way somewhere we could talk, and when we did, I was pleasantly surprised. The more we shared about ourselves, the more we connected. It was as though I had met yet another long-lost twin. Our minds were so well-synced in our opinions, and life experiences; it easily felt as though I had known them for years. It was surreal. By finding them, I feel I had essentially found yet another missing link. They helped me to feel as though I finally made more sense (as an Aspie).

That's all for now guys; thanks for reading! :)

Vanilla
aka. Hart

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Vanilla
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