Just wishing to feel safe

I don't think i have felt safe anywhere, with anyone. Except maybe one of my ex friends. She was so understanding and non judgmental. I was not afraid of being myself with her. But we are no longer friends.

I feel afraid and stressed in my everyday life. I feel like people will take advantage of my naivete and i wish there was someone in my life who protects me. I am so scared of people sometimes i have no wish to live esp. After my parents pass away. When i talk to my parents i feel calmer but i am an adult now and shouldnt rely on them for everything.

So i am withholding myself from calling my mom. . I hope i have an easy life or die in an easy way because it is hard to withstand so much stress everyday.