Still......very confused and bewildered by this. I have the world's greatest husband, so supportive. We have no kids. When I get home from work, I feel I need to just be entirely alone. Greeting him lovingly, being a good companion for him - these things mean I can't recharge after my work day. I hate that. But so far, that is how it feels. I am MISERABLE inside :-( I just can't bear to wear the human suit anymore once I come home from work, but it is necessary to interact with my husband. I become unfairly resentful. I also have a million things to do when I get home, whereas he usually has none. But those "things" have to do with managing my own life - stuff I need to learn for work, stuff to manage my own chronic illness - it's all self management or life management. But just the presence of my husband, of another person at home makes me feel very, very distressed, all on it's own. I think it might be a fight/flight instinct, and I am just rationalizing the feeling into various ideas about what it might really be about - it might just be this fight/flight instinct and never being able to get away. Yes, I have my own private space....but I feel guilty spending the entire evening, every evening shut away in my room. I hope I can find a better way to cope, but it's like his presence further stresses me out rather than me being able to wind down after the work day. Now I am understanding when some people on the spectrum say that they cannot actually live with a significant other while also having a job. :-( Yes...fight or flight. That's exactly what I feel. Well, maybe that realization will help me find a better way to deal with it.
Update: I posted a thread to get some advice, and as usual, the wonderful members of this forum really came through with helpful perspectives: https://www.autismforums.com/thread...rld-but-i-freak-out-when-he-comes-home.22311/
I don't want to repeat everything I wrote on that thread, but basically, from that thread I decided to just talk to my husband about it, which has helped. I have spent a lot less time in my room (though I do end up escaping into there eventually for an hour or so), I feel less pressure to pretend I don't need this, that I'm not stressed out and in fight/flight mode, that I have to be cheerful and chipper when my husband comes home. It is very helpful to remember that this is not forever - at least, not this intensity and feeling of being overwhelmed - part of this is the newness of the job and how it has changed my life, all that I need to learn, just incorporating all of this into my life - and when I get more used to the job and feel more settled into it, then I think I will feel less anxious/stressed (I did choose the job well this time, it is far less stressful than past jobs). There was also a piece of advice (from @tree) that really stood out to me: There's no good in being fake, and welcoming/greeting our negative feelings/thoughts as an old friend. I was always criticized harshly for supposedly being a b****, from childhood onwards - it made me feel like such a horrible, ugly person, and I felt so helpless. I was just confused and alienated and depressed and anxious - and then people accused me of this awful quality, they blamed me for it, which just made me feel worse - so I have a lot of anxiety around coming off as angry/sullen/scary. And yet I have these dark/negative emotions from being overwhelmed/confused while trying to tackle life at times - also just a lot of toxic stuff from the past that I am still dealing with. So until it is all healed, it's there - but I feel I must hide it, I feel guilty and wrong and offensive because of it. But this idea of greeting as an old friend - that really helped me, somehow. I think it will help me accept myself, and those aspects of myself, which is what really needs to happen - and honestly, others don't need to be engaged with that if I myself am engaged with that. It reminds me of my current profile pic - which might change eventually, so I'll upload a picture to this blog. It's from "Spirited Away", and it shows the main character sitting with and taking a creature? spirit? that everyone else considered dark, destructive and scary to an appropriate home for it to live. Anyways, here's the pic, and that's my update
Actually, when I contrast that with my previous profile picture, the old one kind of shows the anxious state, whereas this present one shows a healthier one (imho). The older pic shows the phony front/mask I felt I needed to put on/hide behind. Here it is below Super cute, but no fun!
Update: I posted a thread to get some advice, and as usual, the wonderful members of this forum really came through with helpful perspectives: https://www.autismforums.com/thread...rld-but-i-freak-out-when-he-comes-home.22311/
I don't want to repeat everything I wrote on that thread, but basically, from that thread I decided to just talk to my husband about it, which has helped. I have spent a lot less time in my room (though I do end up escaping into there eventually for an hour or so), I feel less pressure to pretend I don't need this, that I'm not stressed out and in fight/flight mode, that I have to be cheerful and chipper when my husband comes home. It is very helpful to remember that this is not forever - at least, not this intensity and feeling of being overwhelmed - part of this is the newness of the job and how it has changed my life, all that I need to learn, just incorporating all of this into my life - and when I get more used to the job and feel more settled into it, then I think I will feel less anxious/stressed (I did choose the job well this time, it is far less stressful than past jobs). There was also a piece of advice (from @tree) that really stood out to me: There's no good in being fake, and welcoming/greeting our negative feelings/thoughts as an old friend. I was always criticized harshly for supposedly being a b****, from childhood onwards - it made me feel like such a horrible, ugly person, and I felt so helpless. I was just confused and alienated and depressed and anxious - and then people accused me of this awful quality, they blamed me for it, which just made me feel worse - so I have a lot of anxiety around coming off as angry/sullen/scary. And yet I have these dark/negative emotions from being overwhelmed/confused while trying to tackle life at times - also just a lot of toxic stuff from the past that I am still dealing with. So until it is all healed, it's there - but I feel I must hide it, I feel guilty and wrong and offensive because of it. But this idea of greeting as an old friend - that really helped me, somehow. I think it will help me accept myself, and those aspects of myself, which is what really needs to happen - and honestly, others don't need to be engaged with that if I myself am engaged with that. It reminds me of my current profile pic - which might change eventually, so I'll upload a picture to this blog. It's from "Spirited Away", and it shows the main character sitting with and taking a creature? spirit? that everyone else considered dark, destructive and scary to an appropriate home for it to live. Anyways, here's the pic, and that's my update
Actually, when I contrast that with my previous profile picture, the old one kind of shows the anxious state, whereas this present one shows a healthier one (imho). The older pic shows the phony front/mask I felt I needed to put on/hide behind. Here it is below
Super cute, but no fun!
