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Depression - Part 1. My Struggle.

By OrdinaryCitizen · Sep 24, 2018 · ·
  1. Here is a theory about Depression in several parts, form someone who has "major depressive disorder" for a while, feel free to skip parts you not interested in, they all are pretty independent.
    All i write is based on my own experience and observations, it's not a medical advice of any kind.

    My Struggle

    I never used alcohol or drugs nor smoked, so i experienced effects of depression at full extend with crystal clean perception. To say depression had massive impact on quality of my life, is to say nothing, i could compare it to biblical hell except torture is mental and i don't know what causing it, so all i could do is to live with it. Sincerely i don't know if it really bad to that extent because depression been part of my daily life for more than 10 years and i don't remember feeling anything positive anymore. I always been good at eliminated wrong thinking patterns so i did not lose my mind or become suicidal, but my life turned in constant loneliness and sadness, nothing i do brings joy.

    There are moments when depression lets go of me to some extent, but even then i don't feel 100% cured just don't feel very sad and apathetic as usual, until steadily it comes back again. Its like the ocean sometimes its calm just few waves, but big storm starts every 1-3 months and could lasts for weeks putting me in emotional agony.

    Being an Aspie comes with its own "perks" and one of them is difficulty making social connections, in my case it was extremely difficult because i also had Aphasia, could not make long sentences and forgot what i was talking about before i finished, my speech got substantially better in my early 20's.
    My ability to communicate is still greatly affected by aphasia i might cut out in middle of conversation not knowing what to say next and people get offended thinking i am giving them a silent treatment.
    Psychological complexes acquired throughout early period of my life is another obstacle for socializing.
    To name a few i talk very quietly sometime as quiet that person standing in front of me cannot hear what i am saying.
    Another one i call "gone in sixty seconds" syndrome because if i happen to start a random conversation with stranger i involuntarily end it and i be on my way in under a minute.

    Being worried makes me do even more verbal mistakes that just reinforces my fears of stigmatization so its like a never ending loop, more more worried i get, more mistakes i make and more i prove to myself that reasons behind my complexes are valid so its tough to get rid of them.


    Whatever people i hang out with in childhood were just a few and after graduating school i never had any friends or acquaintances ever since.

    With few people i communicated I could not share anything about my true feeling because its considered "not cool" in our society to show weakness or talk about something negative especially one's emotional problems, like others are afraid they going to catch depression from talking to me...
    When i ever start talking about my problems get dry short responses like "its going to be okay" followed by a silence, feels like in reality what they mean is "can't care less about your problems".

    Bottom line despite everyone pretend to be good (just a social requirement) no one really cares about others, except how to use them for their own gain, i was left one on one with my depression.

    Psychiatrist i went to know looked at me so biased like she already know my diagnosis before i said a word and shortly after i got a prescription, not even a word about counseling was said, like i was a just another patient (their piece of bread) not a living feeling being.
    Counselors little better at least they pretend to care and listen, before session time is over that is. Then they cut you off in the middle of your thought and say "okay, see you next week" and i left to deal with my problems in solitude for yet another week. I live in center of Los Angeles and despite of that i am in total a social isolation.

    From what i can tell now major reason for my depression is lack of communication with others, no matter how many times in the past i said to myself that i don't need anyone and i am good by myself - its a lie. Reality of situation any human being needs social interactions its part of our biological programming.

    I noticed that more i go out and talk to people even at when i simply talk to cashier in grocery store or ask a question i am feeling better.


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  1. Sir Stig
    I am just learning about ASD, getting answer on friday, and I am just starting to see the beauty of the condition. Yes, modern life is not tailored for ASD, and I so wished it was. Either way, I am grateful for all I learn here, and I am touched by you putting words on your experience. I don't know how I work yet, but I know Depression. It has been my faithful Black Dog since early adolecense. Forgive my english. I have been training on talking to people, and I also experience that there is something important about it. Hormones and stuff getting exchanged and it is good for us, even if we don't notice it. I have been training at the grocery store, and an author at a book signing. There was no one there. I asked him about his book, even if I didn't know anything about it. But he told me. And he was happy to tell me. The book was about his ancestry mixed with fiction. It was titled "The Devils Congregation" (freely translated). I got to rehearse talking to a stranger, and he got to talk about his passion. I made one person a little happy, and that made me happy for a little while. And I almost cry now, retelling it.

    I can never recommend Solomon Burkes Ted talks about depression enough.

    Here is one to start. It is so wonderful:
    Depression, the secret we share
  2. bjorkfan99
    I am going through the same things as you. I have tried medications, therapy etc and none of them have worked. I never really had friends, tried making some lately and they never seem to message back or they make an excuse on why they don't want to hang out. I'm trying to get into the hobby of historical reenacting to make friends,maybe try and find a group of interest to join as well? If you ever want somebody to talk to, just message me. :)
  3. Monachopia
    I am sorry that your experience so far has been a very negative one... I think the type of society you live in can and will perpetuate those types of feelings. I was born in Russia and when someone asked "How are you?" they actually meant it, but when I moved to the UK the question was suddenly meaningless and you are right when you said - people don't care. Certain cultures are more selfish at their core and I hate to say it, UK and USA are like that.
    My own experience is somewhat similar to you, I've had social anxiety for as long as I remember which formed into long-standing depression for nearly 20 years. I had selective mutism for a long time too which meant that I had to learn how to talk to people for quite some time. It's not easy, especially when depression comes crashing in like a big wave. Like you, I convinced myself that I don't need anyone else, I am fine by myself... yet when I had a rare positive social interaction in real life, it made me happy beyond what I thought I could feel.

    The one thing that I don't completely understand is when you said -- "I could not share anything about my true feeling because its considered "not cool" in our society to show weakness or talk about something negative especially one's emotional problems, like others are afraid they going to catch depression from talking to me.." -- is this due to you being a man and what you've been told is the 'expected' way to behave? Or is it something you feel within yourself, even about others sharing things with you and you sort of project that onto yourself too? Or, after a few unsuccessful attempts to talk and open up had led to rejection, so maybe you gave up? Finding someone who will TRULY listen is a hard task, many people aren't ready to take the time out and help someone... but trust me, there are people out there who will genuinely sit down and lend an ear without saying something generic at the end. I'd like to think I'm one of those people, but we are far and few inbetween.
  4. Benboy0202
    I think your story is so similar to mine its uncanny.
    I sympathize with you greatly because I have felt this great depression for as long as I can remember and it plagues my life on a daily basis despite my use of anti depressants.
    I have also noticed that I get the occasional wave of positivity that only lasts for a day or two at best but usually a matter of hours before the dark clouds descend and my world is plunged in to sadness and depression once again.
    Making friends and acquaintances has also been a complete failure all my life, going back to school where I only had four childhood friends who I slowly lost contact with over the years and now I have been alone for many years.
    I admire any one who has severe depression and chooses not to self medicate with the aid of alcohol, drugs or cigarettes. Sadly I have been to weak over the years to resist the vices and have had many a drunken night in a vain attempt to blot out the empty feeling inside and the constant questioning of my purpose in life etc.
    I now have a team of specialists helping me and trying to integrate me back in to society. Whilst this is working to a certain extent I still feel chronically depressed and find communicating with others extremely hard, even to the point were I have to rehearse lines to say for various scenarios that could happen before I even leave the house!
    When my depression is at its worst I tend to go to bed and sleep. It is a ridiculous solution but I find that when I am in dream world and not conscious then I escape reality for a while and put my mind at rest.
    I too agree that people can be cold and seem oblivious to autism and its many different areas. Recently I was told by the most arrogant self-righteous moron that I didn't have aspergers despite only being in his office for two minutes and already having been diagnosed by three other specialists!
      OrdinaryCitizen likes this.