I am a youngish woman. I have struggled with friendship my entire life, and that is not a hyperbole. Right now, I am very alone. I moved from my home town almost two years ago, and have failed to make friends, failed to maintain my romantic relationship, and even failing at my job. It feels like there is nothing to look forward to nowadays, because no one cares about me, or at least that is what the voices in my head tell me repeatedly. Here I, today, I will write a few reasons why i AM worth loving, and thus why i deserve to live:
I am clever, in the sense that I am humorous and there is intelligence behind my humor. I enjoy using references in subtle ways in hopes of people catch the joke. I am also very sarcastic. I like to play the "dead pan" in such a way that people have to question the seriousness of my intent.
I am hardworking. Although I have with organizing and consistency, as I have gotten older, I realize that I do work very hard. I used to not believe this, but there are so many people who i have worked with who can't do what I do. I can show up for work on time every time, for example. I can always cover a co-workers shift. I am good at keeping my person feelings out of the way of co-workers, something I have to do often in a political sense.
I am a great listener. This is my apex pro i think. apex? peak? It is my true desire to meet someone who listens to me as well, so i make great effort in spreading that energy, so-to-speak. I don't want people to feel lonely when they look at me. I don't want people to feel like no one cares about them.
I think that also, at the risk of sounding conceited, I am beautiful. I feel that it's necessary to say, because my whole life, people have been trying to make me feel that i'm not, or people will say i am beautiful in a superficial way. When they say I am not, it is often men, and on several occasions, they will say it while we are in a relationship. one even admitted he talked down to me to break me. They will tell me they would never marry me, or they relate me only to lustful, temporary feelings. People also call me beautiful in a way that seems also accusatory, that is, it seems to be both jealous and offended that I look this way. I think it's important for me to feel that I am beautiful, without comparing myself to others, without questioning "if i am beautiful, why am i alone?", because the two are not related. I can be beautiful and not relate that feelings to how other people respond to me.
I will post more things later hopefully. I am hoping this somehow helps me with my journey
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