I not entirely certain I understand friendship either, in the most popular sense, after all were supposed to excuse the behavior of these certain few people and not behave in certain ways with them because we are closer to those people we call friends than we are to the ones we define as strangers.
Obviously I want to be friends with people, I want people to come into my home and eat my food and sit on my couch and watch my DVD?s and play my games and leave when we?ve all had enough of the company. This is easier said than done, not everybody is going to be good friendship material, there are despicable people out there that are not worthy of friendship but you wont know that until you try, that is of course were the road splits, the regular person sees the good and bad and obviously, goes with the good and has a lasting friendship, or they discover they made a wrong choice and they cut ties and try again.
Aspergers, well, that is where the fun starts, see we (mostly, and this is written from my perspective) we don?t see the bad, we assume everybody to be like we tout ourselves as being, we parade through our life blatantly missing the obvious and inadvertently flashing signals that are woefully inept to every situation, the wrong sort of person will in every situation see this and latch on, and before we know it we?ve been had again, but we still keep trying, and each time a little bit of ourselves withers up and we become more? what? Bitter, self recriminatory, deluded, cynical, hurt, distant, faded or lost?
If I develop a friendship I may even end up poisoning it because it is such a rare and precious thing to me that I will smother it vainly trying to nurture it when I know not how, it is not like I intend it to happen but the whole mechanics of the thing is so confusing to me that I take it apart and scrutinize every detail and the it is gone and I lament. This is something of course, that I now try to avoid at all costs and that seems to be in the form of turning away friendship when I see it rear its ugly head, easier than getting hurt down the track isn?t it... Well, isn't it?
The last male friend I had moved away and said we would still be friends, he still owes me money and hasn?t called me once in months, fine I say, it?s a lesson learnt, and I tried to call it quits with my last female friend as she started to be sexually suggestive and I confessed that it confused me as she is already in a relationship and she did nothing to quell my disquiet, so I stopped being friends, but it is never that simple with people.
But not all friendships are bad, some are awesome and worth the fight, some come with a bonus prize of a circle of likeminded people that also understand and some just need no work at all, they are the friendships that maybe began in a different life, they?re that solid.
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I made a vow recently and I do want to tell you this, but first this disclaimer? I am not talking about anybody specifically nor do I intend maliciousness, I simply state how my thoughts where at a certain time;
I pledged that I wouldn?t make any more friends and if anybody wanted to be friends it would be a one way street, they could be friends with me and goody for them but that was it. So if somebody wanted to befriend me online say, well, okay, I accept but I will do nothing about it, that is to say if they wanted to be friends they would have to initiate it and open a dialogue and keep it going until I could see that it isn?t a ruse. Imagine it?s kinda like coaxing out a feral kitten that has been attacked by kids, it?s a slow process but if it?s important to you, you understand why it?s a one way street to begin with and it doesn?t bother you much.
Not that I am anything at all cute and cuddly like ?Hello Kitty?, just saying ; ]
I mean to say that for every person that says; ?here kitty? and wants to give me a fish, there are ten that want to hit me or throw rocks or feed me poison. So I don?t befriend anybody, I assume that I am going to get in trouble if I do so I just wait and hope... mostly in vane!
Now, the down side to this is there are people that I have desperately wanted to make contact with, even in real life, and they will never know because I have developed the thoughts, that if it?s a dude I could only be friends as a subordinate because I cant be ruthless or aggressive and fellas are all about the pack mentality, even among guys that have no friends, put them in a group (say an anime club) and watch as a hierarchy develops, one will achieve alpha status by default if not through intention. Conversely, lets say if it?s a female, well, we should face facts here, a lonely, unmarried, late 30?s male wanting to befriend any woman is going to be seen as suspect even if she isn?t attached, now go on, I defy you to tell me that that isn?t so! I mean, in this day and age that is practically gospel, all mothers tell their daughters not to trust men, or am I wrong? This, despite the fact that I have always gotten along better with females they now see me as a threat and not to be trusted, he can?t just want to talk about stuff and he doesn?t really like things that aren?t macho, he must want something?
Anyway, I am blathering on about things I have covered in my blogs before so I admit to going off topic which is that, I don?t not like you, I do like you most likely, but I cant be sure to the 99.9th percentile that you like me enough to maintain a friendship from any solid base and therefore I wont even bother to try, I will just continue to accept friendship from whoever offers it and then make a fool out of myself, fawning over anybody who shows me the slightest bit of interest. It is a sad lonely pathetic life I lead but it has a modicum of self imposed and probably false, safety to it.
To sum it up or to reiterate in a less verbose fashion, I will befriend you if you initiate it but I make no illusions toward overtures of friendliness, I will almost certainly reciprocate in kind though, if you are willing to show pity to this strange animal, you just never know how that friendship could blossom!
Obviously I want to be friends with people, I want people to come into my home and eat my food and sit on my couch and watch my DVD?s and play my games and leave when we?ve all had enough of the company. This is easier said than done, not everybody is going to be good friendship material, there are despicable people out there that are not worthy of friendship but you wont know that until you try, that is of course were the road splits, the regular person sees the good and bad and obviously, goes with the good and has a lasting friendship, or they discover they made a wrong choice and they cut ties and try again.
Aspergers, well, that is where the fun starts, see we (mostly, and this is written from my perspective) we don?t see the bad, we assume everybody to be like we tout ourselves as being, we parade through our life blatantly missing the obvious and inadvertently flashing signals that are woefully inept to every situation, the wrong sort of person will in every situation see this and latch on, and before we know it we?ve been had again, but we still keep trying, and each time a little bit of ourselves withers up and we become more? what? Bitter, self recriminatory, deluded, cynical, hurt, distant, faded or lost?
If I develop a friendship I may even end up poisoning it because it is such a rare and precious thing to me that I will smother it vainly trying to nurture it when I know not how, it is not like I intend it to happen but the whole mechanics of the thing is so confusing to me that I take it apart and scrutinize every detail and the it is gone and I lament. This is something of course, that I now try to avoid at all costs and that seems to be in the form of turning away friendship when I see it rear its ugly head, easier than getting hurt down the track isn?t it... Well, isn't it?
The last male friend I had moved away and said we would still be friends, he still owes me money and hasn?t called me once in months, fine I say, it?s a lesson learnt, and I tried to call it quits with my last female friend as she started to be sexually suggestive and I confessed that it confused me as she is already in a relationship and she did nothing to quell my disquiet, so I stopped being friends, but it is never that simple with people.
But not all friendships are bad, some are awesome and worth the fight, some come with a bonus prize of a circle of likeminded people that also understand and some just need no work at all, they are the friendships that maybe began in a different life, they?re that solid.
--------
I made a vow recently and I do want to tell you this, but first this disclaimer? I am not talking about anybody specifically nor do I intend maliciousness, I simply state how my thoughts where at a certain time;
I pledged that I wouldn?t make any more friends and if anybody wanted to be friends it would be a one way street, they could be friends with me and goody for them but that was it. So if somebody wanted to befriend me online say, well, okay, I accept but I will do nothing about it, that is to say if they wanted to be friends they would have to initiate it and open a dialogue and keep it going until I could see that it isn?t a ruse. Imagine it?s kinda like coaxing out a feral kitten that has been attacked by kids, it?s a slow process but if it?s important to you, you understand why it?s a one way street to begin with and it doesn?t bother you much.
Not that I am anything at all cute and cuddly like ?Hello Kitty?, just saying ; ]
I mean to say that for every person that says; ?here kitty? and wants to give me a fish, there are ten that want to hit me or throw rocks or feed me poison. So I don?t befriend anybody, I assume that I am going to get in trouble if I do so I just wait and hope... mostly in vane!
Now, the down side to this is there are people that I have desperately wanted to make contact with, even in real life, and they will never know because I have developed the thoughts, that if it?s a dude I could only be friends as a subordinate because I cant be ruthless or aggressive and fellas are all about the pack mentality, even among guys that have no friends, put them in a group (say an anime club) and watch as a hierarchy develops, one will achieve alpha status by default if not through intention. Conversely, lets say if it?s a female, well, we should face facts here, a lonely, unmarried, late 30?s male wanting to befriend any woman is going to be seen as suspect even if she isn?t attached, now go on, I defy you to tell me that that isn?t so! I mean, in this day and age that is practically gospel, all mothers tell their daughters not to trust men, or am I wrong? This, despite the fact that I have always gotten along better with females they now see me as a threat and not to be trusted, he can?t just want to talk about stuff and he doesn?t really like things that aren?t macho, he must want something?
Anyway, I am blathering on about things I have covered in my blogs before so I admit to going off topic which is that, I don?t not like you, I do like you most likely, but I cant be sure to the 99.9th percentile that you like me enough to maintain a friendship from any solid base and therefore I wont even bother to try, I will just continue to accept friendship from whoever offers it and then make a fool out of myself, fawning over anybody who shows me the slightest bit of interest. It is a sad lonely pathetic life I lead but it has a modicum of self imposed and probably false, safety to it.
To sum it up or to reiterate in a less verbose fashion, I will befriend you if you initiate it but I make no illusions toward overtures of friendliness, I will almost certainly reciprocate in kind though, if you are willing to show pity to this strange animal, you just never know how that friendship could blossom!
