Broken

I am facing emotions I haven't faced since childhood. Feeling a great distress and sadness about my own fears being more than me as a person. Calling it conditioning, is just addressing it at a surface level.

This is full blown emotional brokeness. I shut myself off emotionally and mentally, just so I don't have to face it. In some way. I thought doing this would snuff out my fear. I was a stupid, naive, child. Not knowing the first thing about how life works. Not knowing how to deal with my own emotions or distress. Too afraid to speak up.

Now it's become a monster of a problem. A well entrenched piece of my own identity, out of my own faulty decisions. Something I want to break. To end. But it leaves me only standing in silence when I face it. Not sure how to process the monstrous demon that rules my headspace.

All I feel is the desire to give up and hide, once I face it. To just not try. It was easier to deal with before, because I was in denial about myself. But after my own discoveries. That denial and nativity no longer can apply. No longer can be justified.

It use to be that I didn't know who I am. But now I see the dark side of who I am. But it's the only piece I have ever been.

Maybe once I get this straight. I'll know what I can do, instead of what I can't do.