This morning I was greeted with an early snowfall, and it's actually still snowing now, as I type this. I consider it to be a beautiful and peaceful conclusion to two weeks in which I've made huge improvements with my mental health and issues. Starting around Oct. 13th, the anniversary of the Miracle of the Sun at Fatima, I started on a journey of sorts in which I overcame a lot of my mental issues. It's difficult to go into details on it, but I'll discuss two things that contributed to my "journey," which I'll now go over.
The first thing that contributed to my journey, was an idea for a new novel I'm working on, I actually made a thread about this back in September. My novel takes place in the Soviet Union in the 1980s, and is based off of Russian folklore. This novel is of course, Catholic in nature and also explores aspects of philosophy, human nature, and human society; but it's also based off certain experiences in my life and certain issues I've struggled with. Being able to type this stuff down and express it really helps me, both because I'm able to express it, but also because I'm able to reflect on it and view it from a different angle, getting a better understanding of what's actually at play.
The other and most personal thing that contributed to my journey, is that my relationship with my Blessed Mother improved dramatically. Some of you may have noticed that I have a big devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary, well one of the reasons why I have such a devotion to Her was, in my childhood, in addition to be bullied at school, I also had a bad relationship with my mother. When I reverted to the Catholic Faith, I turned to Her for healing and this past week, I was finally able to really open up to Her and let Her take my heart with all its wounds and delicate spots and really heal it. In my conversations with Her I was able to understand certain things better, and overcome my bad thoughts and habits. For a long time, I've been struggling with a really bad sin that stems from my bad relationship with my mother; for years I struggled with that sin, hitting a turning point on another snowy day back on January 18th, (Which I commemorated by having this painting here, commissioned: Triumph of Our Lady of the Snows by Theophilia on DeviantArt) and now hopefully, with the help of God's grace I was finally able to overcome it. One of the reasons why I engaged in that sin, was actually because I was engaging in a form of trauma reenactment; what I was actually trying to do was relive all the negative emotions I had about my mother, and those bad times in the past, in an effort to find some kind of closer. In the times i've had with my Heavenly Mother, although I already knew I was engaging in trauma reenactment, I was able to really understand that and heal from it, finding closer with Her. But things actually got more interesting and helpful, in the process of understanding trauma reenactment, I noticed that there was another aspect of my life in which I engaged in trauma reenactment; namely online.
This didn't happen often, (and I'm very grateful that this did not happen on here. ) but sometimes, especially on sites where there are pre-existing issues, (Oddly enough though, I don't think this really happened on You-know-what forum site, it may have been there in the background, and at the very end it might have been stirred-up a bit; but I don't think it really played a part in what was happening on there, it was more, the same stuff everyone else had issues with on there.) I'll get into intense arguments with people and get really angry and really double down on things, just getting outright inflammatory. After talking with Our Lady and getting a better understanding of things, I now realized that this too, is a form of trauma reenactment. What I was really trying to do, was get other people to hate me and gang-up on me, so that I could reenact my experiences of being bullied at school. Now that I have better understand all this, I'll be able to avoid similar toxic situations online in the future.
So overall these past two weeks have been very helpful for me and I have been very grateful for them. Unfortunately I can't stay and chat or post things on the threads I've made on here in the past; I'm still very busy. (This blog post itself, took way longer to type than I expected.) I do hope to be back around All-Hallows Eve, I've found some awesome horror stories and I want to post a thread on here in which we could share them. Hopefully I'll see you all then.
Thanks again for all your support, I'll see you all later.
Glory to God
Hail Our Lady of the Snows, Immaculate Queen!
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