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Your pseudo-skills?
- Thread starter Poppy98
- Start date
I've realized that I do these
Timing:
-ask: at a random time ask at what point they need to go or if it would be better for them if you waited (when that's a workable option)
Communication:
-brevity
----in writing: summarize, format to summarize, delete redundant language
-dominance stuff
-------asserting boundaries
Weak points
-king of anthill personalities
Timing:
-ask: at a random time ask at what point they need to go or if it would be better for them if you waited (when that's a workable option)
Communication:
-brevity
----in writing: summarize, format to summarize, delete redundant language
-dominance stuff
-------asserting boundaries
Weak points
-king of anthill personalities
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Sit on the back porch and pet their dogs.
And if the party host says not to give the dogs any people food, I double down on making sure, secretly, that the dogs get a little bit of the party food.
And if the party host says not to give the dogs any people food, I double down on making sure, secretly, that the dogs get a little bit of the party food.
I navigate socially by working around to where there are no people.
I am good at asking people about themselves. Once they start talking it’s easy to ask questions and feign interest. This works well. People think i’m a great conversationalist. That is until I get bored and drop in clangers to amuse myself! I usually can resist, If it’s a stranger not so much.
How are you defining 'clanger'?
That's my approach as well. When there are still people to deal with, I am a polite NPC (non playing character). I answer questions, open doors, pick up objects they drop, etc. But I don't initiate interaction.
JayLapointe
Active Member
My pseudo skill is making people think I actually care what they have to say. As a result I get told often folks think I'm an empathetic person and 'easy to talk to'. Truthfully I have no idea most of the time what to say or do, so I just don't say or do anything and let the person talk. NT's when you don't interrupt right away seem to all want to suddenly unburden themselves. Like they've never had anyone actually just listen to them speak.
This list is not limited to social interactions, but life, in general, as an autistic in a neurotypical world.
1. Do not change who you are in order to fit into a group. Avoid group think. You be you, be independent, even if it means some degree of social isolation and marginalization. Why? Many neurotypicals do this, fewer autistics, but often times, groups create a shared consciousness that becomes divisive and tribalistic, often verbally and psychologically... even physically abusive towards others not in the group. They often create a sociopathic, narcissistic, biased, moral-high ground behavior and thinking pattern.
2. Related to #1. Whenever possible, interact one-on-one, rather than approaching a group.
3. Whenever possible, do not put yourself in a dependent or subordinate position. If you have to mask, do it. Straight back, stand up tall, head up, eyes bright, a receptive and pleasant look on your face, and confidently walk into a room like you own the entire place. Shake people's hand firmly and look people directly in the eye. If you start with that initial impression, they are more likely to take on the subordinate position.
4. Related to #3. If you need something from another person, whenever possible, make it transactional. "If I do this for you, will you do this for me?" On some level, they have to want to help you... motivational triggers. What do they get out of the deal?
5. Related to #4. Be prepared to just do it yourself. It may be "plan B"... but be totally prepared for it, without delay. For any number of reasons, time constraints, work load, lack of motivation, whatever, often times you cannot depend upon other people. They will take care of themselves, first... then you.
6. Do not exacerbate loneliness by socially isolating yourself. Seriously, get out there to the point where you get your "fill of people". It makes you appreciate the quiet times by yourself to focus upon those other things you like to do like hobbies, interests, whatever.
7. Random acts of kindness. I get far more of a feel good dopamine and serotonin "hit" from giving than I do receiving. You may be that quiet, socially isolated person at work or school, whatever, but if the word gets around that you are the nicest, most generous, thoughtful, person in the room, people will come to you.
There's more, but for starters...
Being retired, it does have its advantages socially speaking. Much like applying the most important tenet of insurance underwriting: In managing hazards and exposures your best option always starts with avoidance.
Where solitude is always within an easy grasp. Coming to the realization that for some of us on the spectrum, that solitude is far more important than any sense of loneliness.
Then again you did use the word "workaround". That working around other is often more productive than working with them, when and where possible, of course.
Though in the workplace it can and does get complicated. Especially at times when so much work depended on the support of others in their doing their job as diligently as I did. Where you have to exercise a definite sense of diplomacy with people, no matter how you do- or don't relate to them.
Where solitude is always within an easy grasp. Coming to the realization that for some of us on the spectrum, that solitude is far more important than any sense of loneliness.
Then again you did use the word "workaround". That working around other is often more productive than working with them, when and where possible, of course.
Though in the workplace it can and does get complicated. Especially at times when so much work depended on the support of others in their doing their job as diligently as I did. Where you have to exercise a definite sense of diplomacy with people, no matter how you do- or don't relate to them.
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*chuckle*
That's probably very true. It upends their world if you start low and try to go higher. I'm going to try to remember a number of these.
This I tend to do, if not just doing everything myself (which might be an issue with the prior rule).
So true. I've found that sometimes setting up a deadline after which I will give up on them for the task helps.
Certainly feel free to add if you wish! That's a great list!
Guilty as charged...and in a big way at times. Me taking on the role of others I was routinely dependent upon to do their job. Sometimes it worked, sometimes I took some real heat over it.
The raters loved me as an underwriter. I used to set up accounts as a former rater, knowing what they needed to do their job more efficiently. I gave it to them. A little more work on my end, but it helped to avoid problems. Peers in my own department often scorned such practices, though the truth was that they were never previously insurance raters and had no understanding of their job. I'd also often go and retrieve a file from the file department, rather than patiently wait for a clerk to eventually deliver it to my desk. That rubbed a lot of folks the wrong way...lol.
In hindsight would I have changed this practice? Hellno.
Though I also freely admit that my OCD probably had a great deal to do with my own work ethic.
That I think is one of the most important tips, first impressions count for so much.
When I walk in to a room I don't just own the room, to everyone it's obvious that I own the entire building and the surrounding suburbs. I don't stomp or strut, I glide like a dancer. @JayLapointe mentioned this in another thread, I walk on the balls of my toes instead of my heels. I have no sense of rhythm and can't dance a step but a lot of people think I'm a dancer because of the way I walk. A lot of people also ask me if I have a military background, I don't but they notice the way I sit and stand and that's what it reminds them of.
None of this came naturally to me, it's all fake, a construct. I practised and practised all of this as a 16 year old and by trial and error figured out what works and what doesn't. I didn't begin to learn any social skills until I was 16 but by the end of that year I had my first proper girlfriend.
When I look back at myself then and my behaviour it's quite cringeworthy, socially I was a lot more immature than everyone around me, a dumb kid pretending to be an adult, but first impressions count for a lot.
A lot of people will say "I tried that and it didn't work.". Big tip: what I taught myself took genuine effort and dedication over quite a few years.
I didn't just got out once or twice a year and then say "That doesn't work." I was out and getting amongst it 4 nights a week and all day on Saturdays and Sundays because I was determined that I was going to have a better life than all the wankers that I'd grown up with, and I did in the end. I also spent hundreds of hours in front of a tall mirror practising body language, hand gestures and facial expressions, then when I thought I had something down pat I'd go out and test it in the real world.
This just made me realize why some of the housing situations feel so stuck. When I moved here, I was just getting out of a toxic situation, so it was only in the period between my arrival and a certain person acting like a gorilla that I've ever thought of asserting myself in any way.
The way that I was when I came here is still pinned at that point though.
I don't have any. If I tried to make up some kind of script then I would be trying to remember the script rather than focusing on the situation at hand. I am socially very anxious and I can't talk myself or think myself out of it.
I just do the best I can. I try to say less than the other person and try to remember things they say. Then I can mention it later.
I also have to try to remember to make eye contact. Once again, I do the best I can.
I just do the best I can. I try to say less than the other person and try to remember things they say. Then I can mention it later.
I also have to try to remember to make eye contact. Once again, I do the best I can.
That was something I realised very early on. When I left school I also left everyone in it and never looked back because if I ever tried to associate with any of those people they'd make sure I remained trapped as I was when I was a kid. Once a pattern is set it's almost impossible to break.
I deliberately sought out different crowds that had never met me before, they had no choice but to accept me at face value because there was no history between us.
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