Would you Rather Date a...

[Lady Lucifer]

This is a question geared towards single aspies. Would you rather dating a NT or another aspie and why?

For me, I'm AS and hetrosexual. Its not a condition I'm proud of, because of my horrible upbringing and environment. I also understand that ASD affects genders differently and I've seen the difference between males and females. I've had....bad experiences with males on the spectrem. So I'd prefer if my partner was NT and was aspie friendly and/or weren't NT but weren't an aspie either. I know they are out there, because I've been in those relationships and I've had better experiences.

 

[AO1501]

I'm probably not qualified to answer, because I'm a married Aspie, but I was single until recently.

My wife is an Aspie, and my ex was an NT. While comparing g the two of them isn't fair to either because they are very different people, here is no doubt in my mind that life with my ex was very hard work, and that I had to spend a great deal of time and effort trying to interpret what she said, and fending off her interpretation of things I had said and meant quite literally.

She was neither rational or focussed, so it was usually difficult to tell where she was on any subject, and her inconsistencies and contradictions were very hard to live with sometimes.

My Aspie wife on the other is very clear, usually literal, very easy to connect with. She understands what I say, I don't have to translate anything she says, and I don't have to try and be anybody but me in order to satisfy the needs of the relationship, or her expectations.

While my view could be skewed to some extent by the fact there was clearly a reason my ex was my ex, versus the newness of my present relationship, as an Aspie I can see a wealth of reasons why I am far more settled and relaxed with my Aspie than I was ever able to be with my ex-NT.

I'd be curious to know how my Aspie would answer that question from her perspective, but I doubt I'll know the answer to that!!

Maybe just as well!

 

[Butterfly88]

Other, it really depends on the person. Aspies are all so different, some I may be more compatible with than NTs but other times NTs may be better.

 

[Judge]

I always made friends first with a few women who would later become a girlfriend. Otherwise dating itself as a social convention always seemed like a direct route to social failure for me. Too much pressure and expectations associated with it.

However in my past relationships with NT women, neither they or myself were aware that I was on the spectrum of autism. Which I believe definitely hurt the possibilities in sustaining those relationships.

In hindsight I might be prone to prefer the company of my own kind. However being self-aware might have helped me negotiate socializing with NTs. Either way though I think that ship sailed long ago.

 

[MrSpock]

I've dated NTs. Marry? couldn't say. Date? Aspie, yes, that would give me a whole new perspective on dating I'm sure. If I had that choice the NT would have to have a ridiculous amount of advantages for me to turn down the opportunity of an aspie.

 

[Bolletje]

I don’t really care.

 

[SusanLR]

I've dated both and the two Aspies I know we are very open and comfortable around each other.
We have special interests in common and no need to put on a facade.

 

[onlything]

Depends on a person. Everyone is different. As long as there's acceptance and willingness to communicate/understand it doesn't matter if they're NT, Aspie/Autie, male, female or non-binary, although it may be harder with males in general due to my previous experiences with this gender.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

This is a question geared towards single aspies. Would you rather dating a NT or another aspie and why?

For me, I'm AS and hetrosexual. Its not a condition I'm proud of, because of my horrible upbringing and environment. I also understand that ASD affects genders differently and I've seen the difference between males and females. I've had....bad experiences with males on the spectrem. So I'd prefer if my partner was NT and was aspie friendly and/or weren't NT but weren't an aspie either. I know they are out there, because I've been in those relationships and I've had better experiences.

i would definitely date a female aspie who has the same sexual preferences like i do.

 

[SunnyDay16]

It's not too much of an issue for me. I think aspies are super different and diverse, just like NTs. With that being said though, I feel another aspie would be more forgiving of my social flaws.

 

[LearnedCoward]

I don’t really care.

I don't really care either. Neurotype is not only not a dealbreaker, but not even really a preference. If I had to choose though, I would choose "Aspie". Kind of a forced choice though.

I would say that I wouldn't choose undiagnosed Aspie, because that sounds like a recipe for trouble. It sounds like they would be in denial about themselves, and therefore interpret my Aspie traits as problems that need to be fixed.

It's not too much of an issue for me. I think aspies are super different and diverse, just like NTs. With that being said though, I feel another aspie would be more forgiving of my social flaws.

Yes, this. Having met thousands of Aspies (not an exaggeration), this is absolutely true.

I have met Aspies who would drive me up a tree in minutes because we're so incompatible. I have met Aspies who are physically dangerous. Don't get me wrong, I have also met Aspies who have become good friends, and whom I even love, but there's nothing about being an Aspie that signifies automatic effortless compatibility.

In fact, if you were to somehow measure compatibility and plot it as a histogram, I'm not sure the Aspie peak and NT peak would be considered statistically different

 

[MrSpock]

I would say that I wouldn't choose undiagnosed Aspie, because that sounds like a recipe for trouble. It sounds like they would be in denial about themselves, and therefore interpret my Aspie traits as problems that need to be fixed.

Of course this is your point of view, so I can't say that it's wrong. Seems backwards to me though.

I am undiagnosed, but I am sure that I am on the spectrum. I'm going to try to get diagnosed, but whether the shrink says I'm on the spectrum or not I will remain convinced. I suppose I'm the opposite of in denial. I should think that I wouldn't choose aspie in denial, that sounds like they'd refuse to be diagnosed, possibly a recipe for trouble.

I'm really only going to get diagnosed because of how it may affect interaction with others, mostly because I'm on the system and it would open doors to assistance. Partly to stop others (father for example) from being in denial. To me awareness is the big thing, and a diagnosis is irrelevant. Whether I'm 'truly' on the spectrum or not I definitely have some of those characteristics, and dealing with them is easier with the help of others with similar attributes. I should think that an 'NT' who has only one of the autistic characteristics could benefit from the knowledge of those who share that characteristic, and help others with it as well. I don't think that this is such an unusual attitude, and it would seem to make the question of 'denial' irrelevant.

 

[VioletHaze_03]

It really depends on the person. Every aspie is different, and no matter what condition a person has, they're still a person. Personally, i perfer spending time around NTs more than i do aspies (i know it's an unpopular opinion.) I find NTs are far more perceptive, and much better at reading situations, and also far more supportive than aspies. When i interact with an aspie, i sometimes feel ignored because they might not notice small details and i have to be really blunt with them, which really makes things awkward. (Ex: interupting an info dump to tell that the info dump is making me uncomfortable and i would prefer they tell me about something else, getting a shrug and resuming the info dump.) There are pros and cons for being with both, and a lot of NTs can be very ignorant. Aspies can as well. I know there are some people on here who regard NTs as terrible and as the scum of the earth, and i can see how that would happen. However, some people just click, regardless of their brain structure. I am friends with many kind NTs, some who are just as emotionally awkward as i am. However, i'm just one aspie, so i can't really say anything.

 

[WildCat]

I don't have a preference for any sort of neurology period. I've never met anyone else with Asperger's or ASD (that I'm aware of anyways...if they're hiding it well enough, who knows?), but based on my time here on this forum I doubt compatibility won't still be an issue if we're talking about neurology. Compatibility is already an issue between NTs, so how would it be any different dating someone on the spectrum?

I'm not perfect by any means with a full package of pros and cons like anyone else, but to sit here and think that things will be smooth sailing because of a shared trait like that? I don't find that realistic at all.

 

[Judge]

I'd like to believe that compatibility issues might be mitigated through self awareness of both the Neurotypical and the Neurodiverse.

Of course it's a theory I've not yet been able to put to the task either.

 

[LearnedCoward]

Of course this is your point of view, so I can't say that it's wrong. Seems backwards to me though.

I am undiagnosed, but I am sure that I am on the spectrum. I'm going to try to get diagnosed, but whether the shrink says I'm on the spectrum or not I will remain convinced. I suppose I'm the opposite of in denial. I should think that I wouldn't choose aspie in denial, that sounds like they'd refuse to be diagnosed, possibly a recipe for trouble.

I'm really only going to get diagnosed because of how it may affect interaction with others, mostly because I'm on the system and it would open doors to assistance. Partly to stop others (father for example) from being in denial. To me awareness is the big thing, and a diagnosis is irrelevant. Whether I'm 'truly' on the spectrum or not I definitely have some of those characteristics, and dealing with them is easier with the help of others with similar attributes. I should think that an 'NT' who has only one of the autistic characteristics could benefit from the knowledge of those who share that characteristic, and help others with it as well. I don't think that this is such an unusual attitude, and it would seem to make the question of 'denial' irrelevant.

I assumed "undiagnosed" meant in denial, because I consider self-diagnosis to be a valid form of diagnosis. That may be a bad assumption though.

 

[Tom]

I did not know about Aspies when I was dating. But in retrospect, the things I was looking for long term (as in marriage) could be either.

 

[The Silly Farmer]

I'm pretty sure my ex was an aspie. She had a very logical brain, some of the most unusual and random quirks I've ever seen and was happy to be different. She was certainly a unicorn and by far the best girlfreind I've ever had. Converation flowed so easily and was so unique and stimulating, it was incredible and I even learnt a few new words along the way.

By contrast she was pretty much the polar opposite of my previous girlfriend who was definitely a NT. She was very emotional and needy and got upset over the smallest, insignificant little things plus she pretty much sucked all the fun out of days away with all her negativity. By the end I was fed up with lying to her to protect her feelings. Despite this I felt much worse breaking up with her (probably guilt since she loved me so much) than when my ex finished things, where I just felt very hollow

 

[PlatinumBeetle]

I would be willing to marry a woman with any neurology (neurotypical, autistic, psychotic, sociopathic...) as long as she wanted to understand and appreciate me too.

That said I think I might have a distinct preference for autistic girls.

 

[Gr82bk8]

I'd like to believe that compatibility issues might be mitigated through self awareness of both the Neurotypical and the Neurodiverse.

Of course it's a theory I've not yet been able to put to the task either.

I'm NT, my boyfriend is aspie. We were immediately drawn to each other and clicked easily and effortlessly during the year we were friends before becoming a couple. Once things crossed into romantic territory they required more effort, because humans naturally expect and need different things emotionally from a romantic partner than from just a friend. We have successfully navigated these difficulties through exactly what you proposed-- self awareness on both our parts. If both people are self aware and willing to communicate their way through things without assigning blame and disappointment to every little hiccup, the as/nt diversity doesn't have to be a problem. In fact, in our case i would say its an asset!