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Would you break up with someone over weight loss or gain?

Sid Delicious

Balloon animal safety control
I thought I would post this on the forum and see what other people's opinions are.

I've been not-quite-dating this guy I met online a while ago. It isn't serious and we started out just as mates, so I had no expectations of anything and don't really consider it a relationship as we don't live close enough to see each other very often and it's still very early days. We are both currently single and can't really find anyone compatible, so we ended up going on a few dates over the last couple of months as a 'see what happens' arrangement. We don't really see eye to eye on a few major things (he's an only child and wants tons of kids one day, whereas I come from a big family so don't), but he isn't looking for a long term thing right now and I've been single for a while so it's just nice to have someone to go out with.

When we first met up, he wasn't skinny (which is normally my type) but he wasn't overweight either. Just what you'd call 'average' build and not very toned. He said he loved hiking and being active all the time and seemed really interested in healthy cooking and other things that are important to me. So I figured 'great, we have similar routines, we'll motivate each other and I won't get my house filled with junk food all the time like my ex did'.

But since I agreed to date him he has gradually put on more weight and now subtly complains when I make healthy food or suggest going to the gym or out hiking or something. It's not as though he makes a huge fuss, but he will always find some excuse or something 'better' to do instead. He also doesn't 'carry' the extra weight well, so it's around his neck and stomach which are the least healthy areas to have excess fat (and more noticeable to me). He's a nice guy, but I just don't find overweight men attractive and I can't force myself to overlook it. I cook for us both when he comes over. But when I've gone to see him, he will cook maybe one very basic meal to prove a point and then just buy/order processed stuff for the remainder of the time. He also let his gym membership run out and hasn't bothered renewing it, so we can't do that any more. I don't believe for a second that he is actually making any effort to stay in shape now that he feels he's won me over, and it's a big turn off as it seems he no longer cares about impressing me. When I got ill and put on weight in the past, I absolutely hated the way I looked and felt, and I did something about it despite how difficult it was due to being sick. I didn't even consider dating until I started getting back to my original weight again. So it's something that's important to me and I was very open about this when we first met.

I'm going to have 'the talk' the next time I see him and end things, but when I've mentioned this to other people they argue that it's shallow and I shouldn't be so quick to judge someone based on size. I don't think I judge them as a person and I'm fine with people looking whatever way they want, as they are individuals and it's a free country. I have a couple of family members who are overweight and I don't love them any less for it. But at the same time, I can't make myself find overweight men attractive any more than I can make myself find a 90 year old guy or a teenage boy attractive. I'm sure the same goes for other people who have certain 'turn offs' when it comes to dating. I know some people absolutely love bigger men/women and wouldn't find someone attractive if they were too thin. You like what you like and some things you can compromise on and others are absolute no-go areas. I also know that anyone I spend a lot of time socialising with will influence my own behaviour, and I don't want to change my diet and fitness routine that much.

I'm interested to hear what other people think, as the only time I've heard this argument was when my brother had the same issue with an ex (and he was called shallow also). It seems to be men that tend to be more visually attracted compared to women (although I could be entirely wrong). Would any of you break up with someone because they either lost or gained too much weight?
 
For me, it would depend on how serious the relationship is. The less serious the relationship, the easier it would be to break it off for any number of reasons. If you value a healthy lifestyle, then that is a valid reason for breaking it off with someone who doesn't have the same value — especially at this early, "not-quite-dating" stage.
 
If you value a healthy lifestyle, then that is a valid reason for breaking it off with someone who doesn't have the same value — especially at this early, "not-quite-dating" stage.
If their weight problems are due to poor health choices. But then, you wouldn't be rejecting them for their weight, but for their incompatible values.
 
I think it sounds like the weight issue isn't the only issue. It's the why he's heavier. You guys have different lifestyles and priorities. He could be thin and not into hiking or healthy eating and you'd still have the problem. Besides, you guys are barely dating. If it were a 20 year marriage things might be different but from your description I see no reason to keep dating this guy.
 
Yep, it's a multi-faceted issue for me. I want someone who I'm attracted to AND has a similar lifestyle. The two are tied together.

I don't feel too bad about breaking up with him at this point, so I've ignored the 'advice' other people have been giving me. I've settled into long term incompatible relationships before, so it's not something I'm willing to do again.
 
We don't really see eye to eye on a few major things (he's an only child and wants tons of kids one day, whereas I come from a big family so don't)

Make good choices and set boundaries if things are not going to work out for the long term.
 
Yep, it's a multi-faceted issue for me. I want someone who I'm attracted to AND has a similar lifestyle. The two are tied together.

I don't feel too bad about breaking up with him at this point, so I've ignored the 'advice' other people have been giving me. I've settled into long term incompatible relationships before, so it's not something I'm willing to do again.
Nor should you have to.
 
I myself would not break up with someone over weight changes. There’s a person in there. He would have reasons for gaining/losing the weight, and I’m dating the spirit, the soul within.

I do have very strong physical preferences. However, big picture: I want to love and be loved.
Is that dynamic in place? That is what I myself would be mainly looking at.

We’re all imperfect people, thus imperfect parters... connecting with other imperfect partners, all works in progress.

A nice body and similar tendencies are great! Those things can and do change.
Nothing’s hotter than a kind, compassionate, supportive, loving partner, though. I hope to find, as well as to be one, again one day.
 
If it was a great relationship it might be worth changing or compromising but since its 'eh'...

Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back
No more no more no more no more
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back
No more
 
You're not trying to get insights, you've already made your choice, which can be proved by what you tell people who are telling you it's shallow. It is shallow, no amount of rationalizing can get the facts different. You have the right to be happy, if being shallow is needed for you to be happy, so be it! Most people are shallow. Why are actors in movie so handsome, shouldn't acting skills be the most important? Why do rich men only marry beautiful women? Are most people shallow and pretending they're not because it's known to be morally wrong? Yes.
Men aren't more visually attracted than women. It is more socially acceptable for them to be.
This society, punishing you for what the everyone does secretly if you dare do it publicly, is insane !
You don't have to feel guilt over it. Just break up.
But you forever forfeit your right of complaining if a man decides to leave you for a woman he finds prettier.
 
I myself would not break up with someone over weight changes. There’s a person in there. He would have reasons for gaining/losing the weight, and I’m dating the spirit, the soul within.

I do have very strong physical preferences. However, big picture: I want to love and be loved.
Is that dynamic in place? That is what I myself would be mainly looking at.

We’re all imperfect people, thus imperfect parters... connecting with other imperfect partners, all works in progress.

A nice body and similar tendencies are great! Those things can and do change.
Nothing’s hotter than a kind, compassionate, supportive, loving partner, though. I hope to find, as well as to be one, again one day.

Yeh, how heavy is their soul?

I guess if their soul gains weight theyre becoming a bad person....
 
"I do have very strong physical preferences. However, big picture: I want to love and be loved."

I guess this is where I would differ with you on what 'love' means. 'Love' implies action for me. It is something you act on. Sex, intimacy, whatever you want to call it, is part of loving someone in a relationship. Otherwise you are just like housemates or friends. I grew up with parents who were no longer attracted to each other, but stayed together because they had children and a house and both would have felt guilty over leaving. They could have split up, dated other people, and just remained very good friends. But they guilt-tripped themselves and each other into staying in a monogamous, asexual relationship. It wasn't a good atmosphere. Both would constantly flirt with other people, then hide it, then argue over it. There was a lot of insecurity and anger on both sides. So perhaps I am more sensitive to attraction than the average person.

Some people, I'm assuming, find it easy to have sex with a person they are not attracted to. That completely covers any sexual need they have. I personally can't do that. It gets physically painful after a while and I start to resent them. I also feel immense guilt if they are clearly attracted to me and try to initiate sex and I'm trying to avoid it. It isn't fair on the other person, when they could find someone who is attracted to them.
 
"You're not trying to get insights, you've already made your choice, which can be proved by what you tell people who are telling you it's shallow."

I'm not trying to get opinions on what I should do (I already know that bit), but whether other people deal with the same issues and what they think counts as negotiable or definite reasons to break up with someone. Which, from the answers so far, seem to differ from person to person.
 
I don't think the expectation of being attracted to the person you're with is "shallow", particularly if the relationship is new or tentative. You cannot control what you're attracted to, and if you stay with someone you don't want, what kind of effect will that have on them as they pick up signals of your disinterest?

A lack of attraction is incompatible.
 
People are products. If they are lower quality to your standards, you can put them in the trashbin and then go be with somebody else. That's all there is to friendship and love. This is how people act, everything else is excuses.
That is how I think , and that is why I'm not a very happy person.
 
I think the real issue is you're not in love with this guy and never have been. If you were you are more likely to accept a few extra pounds without it being a deal breaker.
I don't think you're shallow at all. You like him as a person, but you're not physically attracted to him. Physical attraction cannot be manufactured. It's either there or it's not. And if it's not, it's increasingly stressful to try and pretend it is.
In your shoes I'd do exactly the same thing and to hell with other people and their judgments.
 
I also don't think it is too bad because you are not in love with him. Now, if you loved him and he loved you, then you would feel differently. You never know what befalls someone.......weight gain is mild next to something like cancer. You are not ready for that. But I commend your for bringing this up. You are a good soul to even question!

BTW, I must say if I gained weight I would be more likely to break off a relationship than if my partner did! I don't know why this is!! Maybe because I would feel like I would not want to be touched etc. IS THAT WEIRD???
 
"I also don't think it is too bad because you are not in love with him. Now, if you loved him and he loved you, then you would feel differently."

I don't know about that one. I was very close to marrying a man I dated back in college and I think was very much in love at the time and vice versa. But I honestly can't imagine I would have been able to continuously sleep with him if he had put on a certain amount of weight. I would have cared about him enough to try and get him to eat healthily and exercise in a postitive way. But if he still refused and remained overweight then I would have really struggled with that. I just would have felt more guilty and more obligated to stay and keep trying to pretend everything was fine, since my feelings for him were much stronger. Much like my parents did.

And yes, I agree with you on the not wanting to be touched part. I can't stand the way I look when I put on too much weight (I'm a hobbit, so it shows more), so I certainly wouldn't want anyone else getting close to me.

Edit: I think for me the difference with weight gain/loss is that it is avoidable (outside of a few very specific situations). I know people in their 60s who eat healthily and work out and look amazing as a result. So if I've told my partner from the start that weight gain above a certain point is a massive turn off for me, yet they still choose to put on weight, then it shows they no longer care about being attractive for me. Things like (most) cancers, random injuries, etc are not in their control, so it doesn't reflect a decision they have made. A comparative example would be if I met a guy who said he only finds brunettes attractive and will only date me if I am happy to keep my hair brunette or wear a wig. I would then decide if that is something I am willing to do in order to be with him and either refuse or agree to that condition. I may find it ridiculous or not share his criteria myself, but I have the chance to agree or disagree and I know the results if I ever change my mind. That's pretty fair.
 
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My wife was 130 pounds and very beautiful when I first met her, smokin' like Bob Marley in Jamaica. I was a decent-but-not-great-looking autistic guy who had few friends, no girlfriends, wore my guitar strap as a belt and had huge, poofy hair because I liked it.

Nine years later we are married and still together, even though she now weighs more than me, after bearing me three beautiful children. I do not blame her: being poor cuts the quality of diet you can afford and being born with a rare retinal disorder which makes it hard to adjust her eyes to different lighting makes it hard to get the gumption to up-go and jog off into the blue to burn those calories in this increasingly violent world.

She is the cornerstone of my life, and, looking back the most loyal and honest friend I have to date.
 

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