Larisa
thanks for your post, I'm glad you have people that are close to you and your health service is good. Is it a free service like our NHS or do you have to pay?
Thank you, Baz.
My health service is free so far (there are discussions about cutting the state expanses on it) but it's quite difficult to see a doctor - it may take a few days (if the matter is not something really urgent and requiring hospitalization). Sometimes it's easier to see a paid doctor but there is no guarantee of their qualification.
Besides it's difficult for me to seek treatment if I can avoid it - I'm terribly scared of any involvement in my body's working. I hate touches of medical personal, syringes, blood tests and other standart procedures on list.
I get over my resistance if I really feel myself bad though.
I'm a bit concerned that you have self diagnosed, would you not feel happier if you had a definitive diagnosis ?
For me, my Son suspected I had Asperger's a couple of years ago but I didn't take him seriously. For most of my life I have been treated for anxiety, depression, and obsessive personality disorder, and no matter how much therapy and medication I had I have always been the same. By chance I was chatting to a psychiatric nurse and she suggested I might have aspergers and arranged for me to be tested by a psychologist. The result was a definite Diagnosis of aspergers as my Son had suspected, and since then I have been left to come to terms with it and try and get on with my life.
I still take meds everyday and I have to admit I'm finding life even harder, but living where I do, there isn't any help for me. It seems the nhs only care about children with aspergers, anyone of my age,51, are the forgotten souls.
In my country AS is only diagnosed for children and later it's qualified as a mild form of schizophrenia - so no real help from that but more fears and rejection from society.
I grew in society with a strong prejudice in regards to autism (and any other person's disability in fact) - I don't really know the source of this opinion, but I keep meeting it in many articles about autism even now. Like autistic people are 'dull and emotionally flat', and 'arrogant' to take notice of other people, their activities have 'no sense' and they are 'dangerous' for other people around them.
It never occured to me how false and cruel this opinion is before I found some information on Asperger's Syndrome and started to recognise myself in these texts. I never considered how I must be appearing on the outside - I know myself inside and I usually had good people around me who weren't rude to me. However my life was dark without real friends of mine.
I started to learn about autism and other autistic people and I started to get used to my traits.
I thought why is it that AS strikes men harder than women?
I guess it may be connected with social hyrarchy: women are considered people of a lower level than men are. It puts additional expectations on a man: starting from his parents everybody expects from a boy to show leadership qualities early and will to compete and to win. And I noticed from my observations that autistic people to not differ much between men and women - and they all mostly have neither interest nor will to compete and fight for someone's good opinion.
For a girl there are milder requirements - to obey and be quiet. That gave me opportunity to watch myself, to look around and to match into my surroundings without much disturbances.
A boy is usually 'on stage' of the social vanity fair. Men got being judged even harsher with years passing.
I think these are totally abusive and unrealistic social expectations that drive people into depression.
I think my father was on spectrum and he never suspected that. He seemed so forlorn, lost and distant - I tried my best to tune to his 'wave' and connect to him but I failed every time. He rejected to even try to look at me and hear me out because he did not believe that a girl is capable of understanding him. It hurts me even now that he's dead for 1,5 years.
He abused his health as much as he could without alcohol and narcotics: he ate what was forbidden for him, did not follow recommedations of doctors, he was constantly angry and upset by what his life became and what he hoped to achieve by his age but he did not.
It was painful for me to watch his slow killing himself and be unable to help because of his poor opinion on me.
My autistic traits played against me in that too - because, I think, I could have got to him if only I was cheerful, easy-going and optimistic as a NT girl should be. That would be a daughter my father would be proud of, I know. He, too, thought of me as a failure of his hopes with my lack of motivation to win this world over and my need to withdraw to my comfort zone as soon as possible.
I have come to my psichologist when I was falling apart, depressed, anxious and totally lost whatever respect and value I ever hoped to hold for myself. I deemed myself a complete failure with no place on Earth. I was overfilled with hatred and harshness toward myself.
I noticed that autistic people from the start never critisize their parents and relatives. I took everything I gathered from external attitudes toward me and kept applying that on myself. If there was someone significant for me in the outer world who was irritated by me or set their expectation on me, I integrated this into my inner world stucture and kept on treating myself this way.
It took a lot of support from my psychologist and my building understanding of myself to reconsider those cruel external demands and put stop on power of other people to set the purposes in my life for me.
I feel for your confusion and tiredness (that I percieved from your posts).
I take that your son is quite grown up already? That's your success.
It seems to me that he is a caring and attentive person - and that's your triumph.
It's just much easier to think of many small everyday failures than notice greatness of your achievements.
Of cause your wife did a lot and maybe somebody else helped both of you - but greatness can't get smaller no matter how many part-takers it's divided into.
I think it's no small feat to live past 50 years old. The part of a long and bumpy road conquered step by step.
I respect that in you.
No one can walk the life without footing - why don't you get some consideration for yourself. Like intermediate total.
I do it for myself as often as I have a new thought on what is it valuable in me and my life
It often seems to me like the world with its variable and unpredictable situations knocks the very ground out of my feet. I dreamt for years to meet someone who'd helped me to stand firmer in different occasions.
Now I wonder if I maybe shouldn't be so much afraid of falling.
Sorry for bringing this out here - just to illustrate my idea - I sometimes think what death is. Once my psychologist said that a person who didn't learn to trust and rely on death can not live their life fully.
After a lot of thinking I realized that my suicidal considerations are mostly builded upon believe that I should have died in early childhood and death mistakenly looked me over. So if I don't take measures myself I will never die.
I mean it sounds ridiculous but deep inside I really somehow believe in that.
When I had to fly on plane for the first time (I was 24) I looked popular advices for new travellers and I was puzzled.
There were so much recommendations to 'not think of the worst', to 'remember that probability of crushing is non-significant', to 'read something during the flight' and so on.
That was the first time I met my difference from the most people because these advices themselves got me really nervous. I always keep in mind a human factor which may change outcome of any situation despite all mathematic odds.
So I found for myself the most optimistic and truthful answer that the probability is 50%.
Before I get on plane I weight my risk and my wish to go to the place. It's like taking life by small sips of death every day - and strangely it gives me support to realize and fulfill what else I want to do in my life before it runs out eventually.
When I leave my room to go to the work in the morning I sometimes think that there is 50% probability that I will not see the end of the day. And during the day I do what feels interesting and important to me to do in order to not regret later because no firing from the job puts as final stop on my living, feeling and learning as the death itself.
That's why I often log in the forum even during my working hours. I feel alive when I read and write here.
I understand that my employer may scold me, but really it's from here that I get my strenght to do my work to the best of my abilities.
