why cant he understand when i need quiet. he fights thinking its a personal rejection.

[sylvia1111]

why cant he understand when i need quiet. he fights thinking its a personal rejection

it can be when i'm stressed, sick, tired, concentrating on something eg driving ( i cant drive in peak hour traffic to somewhere new and listen, some people can, but i cant. )

when we go away for the weekend most motels or holiday homes have one tv, sometimes only one room, and i am very noise sensitive and he loves watching documentaries some of which just have endless talking which i find gives me headaches. some peole listen to music or watch other shows but he likes radio and tv that are documentaries with endless talking and the noise is just too much for me. I've had hard life and my health is worn down and i need quiet and i get physically ill,( headaches migraines tight muscles) from too much endless noise.

I bought him the best cordless headphones so he can enjoy tv but i can sleep , rest , read, enjoy quiet even while away and sharing a small motel room, but he said it would take too long to set them up and he stormed out and returned home when i couldnt take the noise anymore after trying with earplugs and then with industrial headphones, and finally i couldnt take it and just turned off the tv as i just needed some quiet already. It was actually my holiday and he ruined it and left me very tense from all that loud noise of a particularly loud and stressful program he was watching.

How can i help him understand when i need quiet. there are times that he needs quiet or feels ill and i do everything to help him. but he doesnt understand when i need quiet and he takes it as a personal rejection and makes such draining fights. how can i explain this so that he understands.

 

[Progster]

It sounds like he doesn't know a lot aout your condition and he needs to be educated. I had similar issues with my husband regarding the TV, as he likes news or current affairs programmes where politicians and journalists debate and argue and shout over the top of each other, I can't stand this! He also likes to sleep with the TV and all the lights on, where even the faintest light or smallest noise will keep me awake. The result is that we sleep in different bedrooms, have separate TVs in separate rooms. When I was diagnosed I gave my husband some information about ASD and how sensory issues can affect me, downloaded and printed from an ASD site in his language. I also explained that these issues are neurobiological in origin and not psychological, so no, I'm not exaggerating when I say that the TV is on way too loud, and that he really does need to take me seriously. He now accepts that my needs and tolerance to some stimuli are not the same as his, but he forgets sometimes... but anyway, it's progress. I find that the NAS site explains a lot of ASD issues very clearly and succinctly, and would recommend that you use information from this site to educate him. If the info comes from an official source, then he's more likely to take it seriously and not dismiss it. Showing him videoclips demonstrating sensory overload may also be useful.

The sensory world of autism - | autism | Asperger syndrome |
5 Autism Simulations to Help You Experience Sensory Overload

 

[Suzanne]

Hi there

I need to ask you something. How do you ask your husband to lower the volume? Because I am learning that it is the way one asks, which makes the answer good or bad? Also, are you always saying things like: don't do that or this etc and did he marry you knowing you have aspergers?

On face value, it appears that indeed he is completely out of order and certainly not showing a love for his wife, but when I read this out to my husband, who is an NT, he said: yes but how does she ask her husband to please turn off or lower the volume?

Whether we are aspie or NT, we are all humans and react to how things are said to us.

My husband has always almost YELLED at me to lower my voice, which causes many meltdowns, but he agreed on a different method and it is actually working really well. Called: putting the humor into the request. So he now smiles and uses his hand in a downward motion and that helps me to realise my voice is too loud. And he is also saying: I am in the other room, which acts as a sort of: unsticking my feet lol

At the moment, he is going along with the idea that I have aspergers, so really, sort of treating it like a bit of a joke, but compared to how he was, I guess that is a better deal.

He reckons me being professionally diagnosed, will not change how he is, but I suspect very much differently, because sadly, he puts great store in "professionals", despite experiencing many mistakes at their hands!!!

 

[Judge]

That was often my issue with NT girlfriends. They couldn't process my need for time alone as anything other than a personal rejection. Sadly though at the time they neither myself knew of my autism. Had I been aware as I am now I might have been able to explain it. But the silence in not doing so helped to end each relationship.

But yes- even if they knew there's no guarantee they would truly have understood, either.

 

[sylvia1111]

All those posts were do helpful do amazing so true and helpful .

I have found it makes a difference how I communicate to him gently . That's helped me the most in general to get better responses from him with everything

I didn't write this in the question but actually I and everyone who knows him always thought that he has Aspergers

But apparently we all have aspects of it and I am meant to be nt
But I am the noise sensitive one and we both like time to ourselves

I don't know if I was always noise sensitive but I've had. 3 very difficult decades and raised kids so being a bit burnt out and low on energy and overloaded nervous system I thought caused it .

He is

 

[sylvia1111]

He ha

All those posts were do helpful do amazing so true and helpful .

I have found it makes a difference how I communicate to him gently . That's helped me the most in general to get better responses from him with everything

I didn't write this in the question but actually I and everyone who knows him always thought that he has Aspergers

But apparently we all have aspects of it and I am meant to be nt
But I am the noise sensitive one and we both like time to ourselves

I don't know if I was always noise sensitive but I've had. 3 very difficult decades and raised kids so being a bit burnt out and low on energy and overloaded nervous system I thought caused it .

He hates and is very adverse to any mention of Aspergers