Why are people NOT asking me why am I single

[Rodafina]

The fact that people don't ask me why am I single, suggests to me that they assume I am inherently undatable

You are working with a false premise. Stop right there as it is a cognitive distortion.

If you are interested, you could do a little research on cognitive distortions as they are explained in the practice of cognitive behavioral therapy.

 

[Polchinski]

Today, there are more women attending and graduating from college/university than men,

I have basically been lifelong student, pursuing multiple degrees. In Berkeley I did bachelors, in Minnesota I did Masters, in Michigan I did first Ph.D. (in Physics), in India I did postdocs, in Mississippi I did visitting position, and in New Mexico I am doing second Ph.D. (in Math).

So, since I spent most of my time around universities, and there are more women in universities than men, then I should be in the advantage in terms of numbers. So how come I didn't get a girlfriend, despite that.

 

[Polchinski]

You are working with a false premise. Stop right there as it is a cognitive distortion.

If you are interested, you could do a little research on cognitive distortions as they are explained in the practice of cognitive behavioral therapy.

Actually, I agree with you that I have some cognitive distortions. For example, before I was 21, I thought that my self worth is SOLELY dependent on being ahead of everyone else academically, and therefore making friends and/or having a girlfriend would steal my time from that thus diminish self worth. Then, after 21, I was thinking that my self worth was dependent on having friends and a girlfriend, so I needed to manufacture them to get my self worth. Both times I was equally sure of those premises.

However, fact still remains that there is "something to" both of those things. Probably my mistake is that I tend to overfocus, and assume "its exclusively this and nothing else", when actually it is a combination of both of those things and more.

So I guess I can still ask the question that you quoted. I should just remind myself that it is not "the sole" source of self worth. But it is still part of the equation.

 

[Rodafina]

So I guess I can still ask the question that you quoted. I should just remind myself that it is not "the sole" source of self worth. But it is still part of the equation.

Exactly. It is messy and not as straightforward as we’d like sometimes.

For the record, I am never asked this question either.

 

[Aspychata]

Minnesota definitely can be unfriendly to outsiders. I have plenty stories, like a man called the police because somebody was speaking in Spanish. A Somalian lady was attacked by a Minnesota lady and told to speak English or go back to her country. And l left, and later heard years later about a basketball player who felt that some of the people in Duluth were extremely racist. Since this is a sensitive area, and l don't want to be banned, l will no longer discuss Minnesota.

AZ treated Native Americans pretty bad. However, AZ is much more diverse and you see a real
mixture of people.

There are so many factors that create favorable situations for men to meet dating prospects, just like the factors that create unfavorable situations. So maybe don't dwell on the "rejection" thought, as this is very subjective. Some men just have better luck at dating then other men. Same with woman. Some woman do better then other woman. It's making the most of what you have, striving to be your best everday.

 

[Polchinski]

Since this is a sensitive area, and l don't want to be banned, l will no longer discuss Minnesota.

I won't get offended no matter what you say. I like an open and honest discussion. Since I am the one who started this post, and I am okay with you talking about it, perhaps mods are okay too?

If not, you can always PM me about it.

I would love to hear your thoughts either way. I like to get to the bottom of things.

 

[Polchinski]

Minnesota definitely can be unfriendly to outsiders. I have plenty stories, like a man called the police because somebody was speaking in Spanish. A Somalian lady was attacked by a Minnesota lady and told to speak English or go back to her country. And l left, and later heard years later about a basketball player who felt that some of the people in Duluth were extremely racist.

What you just wrote basically aligns with pro-white racism. I guess it is a bit surprising, because I was assuming that red states are pro-white while blue states are anti-white, and Minnesota is one of the blue states.

But anyway. Even more important question is: why are you assuming that pro-white states wouldn't welcome me? That would imply the assumption that I am not white. Now, I regard myself as white. But could it be that others are not on the same page about it?

Well, I am originally from Russia. Genetically I am Jewish. I realize that some people assume Jews are non-white, while other people see them as white. Now, it is hard to say how many people see them as white and how many don't, because its not politically correct to discuss it. Thats why I need to look at the fringe groups in order to judge this. So, among fringe groups, the KKK would assume Jews are not white, while American Renaissance assume that they are. Both points are irrelevant because I haven't been associating with those groups. So I don't know how much it represents the statistics of more mainstream population. I was assuming that mainstream population sees Jews as white -- at least I was putting white in all of the demographic forms and that was kinda a given.

Also, most Americans assume Jews are religion. You have to go to Russia in order for people to see it as ethnicity. And incidentally I didn't feel ostracized in Russia. Its in America where people don't seem to talk to me. By contrast, Russia is a lot more antisemitic than America. Thats what makes me think its not really antisemitism but rather some other things.

But here is the thought, about America. The fact that Americans are unaware that being Jewish makes your hair curly, doesn't make that fact go away. So my hair is still curly, and Americans still see it curly. They just don't realize it is related to my Jewishness. So my hair being curly turns people off (since I can't effectively brush it so that it lays down). Now, since curly hair can be associated with non-white ethnicities (it is called "fro" in reference to what Africans have), then maybe Americans see my curly hair and think of me as less white, yet they still regard Jews as white because they don't realize that most Jews also have curly hair?

Or the other possibility is that my skin, personally, got darker. I remember, after I did my postdocs in India, I went to Russia for a conference, and I met an old man who knew my father, and therefore knew me, ever since I was very little. He told me I changed a lot and, in particular, I got "darker" in my appearance. He suggested maybe I got a lot of sun in India. Now, I don't see how it would last that long. I mean I came back from India all the way back in 2014. But IF it in fact lasted that long, then could THIS be why people are talking to me less, after I returned from there?

That won't apply to Minnesota though. I was in Minnesota in 2001 -- 2004, while I was in India in 2009 -- 2014. So my future trip to India wouldn't make me "darker" when I was in Minnesota. That plus also in Minnesota I was rejected in Hillel, where MOST of them were Jewish. So if I have curly hair because I am Jewish wouldn't they too? Although now that I think about it, I don't think I see anyone with hair that messy, Jewish or not. And if I am talking about Jewish women, their hair is long and so no its not curly (it has to be short to be curly). But then if I assume all Jewish men have curly hair, wouldn't Jewish women be rejecting Jewish men for that same reason? Again, though, I don't think I see anybody with my type of messy hair, unless they are hippies or something, and even hippies are doing something "purposeful" with their hair rather than just letting it be the way I do.

Now, leaving the Jewish thing aside, the other assumption Americans might make is about Russians being or not being White, which is another good question. From Russian point of view, "I am not Russian I am Jewish", because Russians view both Russian and Jewish as two separate genetic groups, and genetically I am Jewish. But Americans don't have that concept. So Americans think that I am genetically Russian, even though I am not. So if I am not asking the question "am I actually white or not" but rather I am asking "do Americans assume I am white or not", then yes, the question about whiteness of Russians become relevant.

Again, people tend to evade openly talking about those things, so you have to look at the fringe groups in order to judge it. So at Stormfront, they definitely regard Jews as non-white, but they regard Russians as White: they even have a section "Stormfront Russia". Likewise, David Duke also views Jews as enemies, but he view Russians as friends: he wrote a paper "is Russia the key to White survival". And, of course, Donald Trump, while being pro-White, was also being pro-Russia. So those are the evidence in favor of Russian being White.

However, an evidence against people assuming that Russians are white, is the way they use the slogan "White Christian America", even though those three things don't even go together. For example, why would America be any whiter than Britain, given that large portion of Americans descended from the British? But if someone were to stick with that type of faulty logic, they could say that America is the whitest, Europe is not quite as white but pretty white for siding with America, while Russia is non-white for opposing America.

I personally disagree with this. Why should we say America is White and Russia is non-White for opposing it, instead of saying that Russia is White and America is non-White for opposing it? I mean this could be argued both ways!

I guess one reason to call Russia non-white is because Russia sides with Iran and other non-white countries while America sides with Europe and white countries. So, ironically, this would mean that Jews are whiter than Russians because Israel basically sides with the west, while Russia sides with the likes of Iran. But both Stormfront and David Duke thinks the opposite and regard Russians as white and Jews aren't.

So are you saying that, because I am from Russia, and Russia sides with arabic countries, THATS WHY people regard me as non-white?

Speaking of Christian, Russia views itself as the bastion of Christianity, and it views the west as satanic. So if you put it side by side with Americans assuming that they are the ones that are Christian, then what you get is that each side sees itself as more Christian.

AZ treated Native Americans pretty bad. However, AZ is much more diverse and you see a real
mixture of people.

I never been to Arizona. But, in New Mexico, I am ostracized even more than in Minnesota. Perhaps because of crime rate over there.

Would you regard Arizona and New Mexico as similar in this regard, or no?

There are so many factors that create favorable situations for men to meet dating prospects, just like the factors that create unfavorable situations.

If there are factors that make things favorable for men, that would make me feel even worse since that would imply that I am the problem rather than the general situation.

 

[Polchinski]

And if you wish to attract a female, you need to bring some swag. Look nice, smell good, attractive hair style, this will increase your odds. It's like having a great resume vs a crappy resume. A good resume gets you in the door for the interview. A bad resume just gets tossed, no interview.

By the way, resume is a very recent news for me too. Because, as I mentioned, I spent most of my time going from school to school. I started applying to real jobs only recently. And, as I discussed in my introductory post, I lost the teaching job just for being unprepared a few times, even though most of my other times went well. That reminds me of girls who reject me just based off of few things. So, apparently, the dynamics I was complaining about in dating, also applies to jobs, I was just unaware of it. Also, just like in dating the girl wouldn't say no but instead make polite excuses, in job they were that way too. They never actually kicked me out. They were just taking things away step by step until they took everything away. Kinda reminds me of dating. And, incidentally, both male and female employers collaborated in that process of making things hard for me, so apparently it has nothing to do with the gender either.

But, going back to the resume question. So my mom's friend decided to help me find a job. So she asked me to email my resume to one of her friends. He looked over it, and pretty much told her what you just did: that my resume would be tossed into the garbage before anyone even looks at it. Now, this puzzles me just as much as why they do it in dating. As far as dating goes, I am often told "its not about logic, its about emotion". But in case of the job resume, it very much IS about logic. Because one thing he told my mom's friend is the following. He told her that I clearly accomplished a lot, and my work is very interesting, but the person that initially looks at the resume is not a professional so they won't be able to appreciate my work. All they would see is that it is poorly written and toss it away. But this led me to ask the following question: what is the purpose of even having there a person who is not professional? The answer is that the purpose is precisely that: to toss away resumes that are not in a good format. But this shows that you can no longer say "its not logic its emotion". Because they hired a separate person for this very purpose. In order to hire someone, you clearly need to think about it consciously, not subconsciously. So what was their logic when they purposely decided to hire someone, who is not in the field, for the sole purpose of throwing away resumes that "don't look good"? Clearly, this is in a realm of explicit reasoning -- logic. Unfortunately, I didn't talk to the guy who said it, instead I talked to the woman who passed it to me (my mom's friend that is) and she kept saying I don't know. I wish I could get ahold of that guy so he could explain to me the logic behind it. I don't see it.

One thing that both of them suggested to me is to go to a place where they would edit my resume, and they even know of a place where they do it for free. But here is the question. If, presumably my ability to make resume reflects my actual skills, then wouldn't going to a place that helps me with resume amount to cheating? If, on the other hand, everyone knows that it doesn't reflect my skills (which is why such a place exists), then why would they hire a person to toss away the resume that is not up to the aesthetic standards?

Or let me put the question this way. What would happen if I go to that place, that edits my resume, and submit a perfect resume, so I get invited to the interview. Then, when I come to the interview, I actually mention to them that such and such place helped me edit my resume, and then show them the resume that I had before I went to that place. Will they hire me or not? I have a question in both cases:

1) If they will hire me, then the question is: why would they not have hired me if I were to show them "only" the old resume "without" the new one? After all, the "old" resume is what reflects my "actual" skills, while the new resume is about skills of some unknown people they don't care about. Or alternatively, why wouldn't they simply send me to that agency if they got only the old resume? After all, if they are perfectly fine with old+new, but they don't like old-alone, then the logical way to "fix" old-alone is to ask me to go to that agency and send them the new one. So why is it, if I decide to go to that agency on my own, I am hireable, but if they send me there then I am not?

2) If the answer is that they won't hire me, then does it mean that by "not" showing my old resume I am making a "white lie" in terms of "withholding a crucial information"? Most people would say "they weren't asking you that question so don't answer what you weren't asked". But you see, here I am not talking about what I had for breakfast. I am talking about something that is important to them. So if they wouldn't want to hire someone who can't write good resume without the help of that service, and you hide the fact that you fall into that category, wouldn't that be dishonest?

Now, with dating I can ask the same question. Lets say I learn to dress really well and all that stuff. So a girl finally approaches me. Then, at some point in our conversation, I tell her "by the way, not that long ago I used to be messy", and show her a messy picture of me. Would she still be interested or not? Again, I can ask the two questions parallel to the above two:

3) If she would still be interested, then why wouldn't she simply ask me to clean myself up in case I didn't do it on my own? In other words, if I was first messy (as evident from the photo I shown her) and then became clean (as evident from how she met me) and it was my own idea -- then she likes me. But if I was first messy (in how I presented myself to her live) and then became clean (because she asked me to), and it was her idea (since she had to ask me), then she doesn't like me. If the difference is whether or not I am "smart enough" to think of it myself, then how does she really know I thought of it myself? What if one of my friends told me to clean myself up? And even if I did think of it myself, I surely wasn't born that smart. Someone had to teach me at some point. Why can't she?

4) If she would not be interested, then by not showing her messy picture of myself I am defrauding her, in the same way I am defrauding the job by not showing them the old resume. Since in both cases I am not giving a crucial part of information that would infulence their decision.

Or even consider the following scenario. Lets say she first sees me as messy and then later on sees me as no longer messy. Will she be interested in me later on?

5) If the answer is yes, then again, why can't she simply ask me to clean up?

6) If the answer is no, then wouldn't it again imply that I would be defrauding her if she sees me as clean the very first time she sees me, and I am not telling her I used to be messy

Now the reason I ask those questions is the following. As mentioned earlier, I want a girl partly for self esteem purposes. But if I know that the reason I have the girl is because I withhold from her part of information, and she wouldn't be with me if I were to reveal it to her, then it doesn't help me with self esteem as much. Because, essentially, she is not liking ME, she is liking a front I put forth. Now, from where I am sitting, I know I am still the same person, whether I am dressed nice or poorly. But thats not what she thinks. She, clearly, doesn't think I am the same person. So if I think its the same person and she thinks its two different people, then how do I know that the "clean person" that she sees is "really me"? Maybe she is thinking she is liking someone other than me? So my goal of "myself" being liked won't be fulfilled.

Once you have a girlfriend, sometimes people go right back to being slobs again. I personally like to look nice for the person l see.

Thats interesting. So apparently others are quite conscious about being clean in order to get a girlfriend? And I was assumign they are just clean because "its a routine", and I am not that fond of routines. But now I see that no its not about my "not being fond of routines" but rather my not seeing various connections that other people see.

When l lived in AZ, yes, l was afraid of being car-jacked.

I am in New Mexico though. Is Arizona and New Mexico similar in this respect?

Speaking of cars, I don't drive.

By the way, is the fact that I don't drive puts people off as well?

I notice that past few years people seem to assume I am homeless, which they didn't do before. Maybe its because there are more homeless in New Mexico, maybe its because I got older. But the fact that I don't drive might contribute to it too (although I never drove in the past either).

By the way, an analogue of them hiring a person to toss away sloppy resumes is similar to the bar hiring a bouncer that tosses away people that dress sloppily. I actually remember a specific occasion where bouncer turned me away for sloppy dress and I was mad at him for years. What I don't get is this: how would getting better dress would make you a better person? What would stop a criminal from putting a good dress? And again, you can't say "its not logic its emotions". They hired a bouncer for that very purpose. So this very much IS logic. So can you tell me what it is that they see that I don't?

 

[Polchinski]

By the way, an analogue of them hiring a person to toss away sloppy resumes is similar to the bar hiring a bouncer that tosses away people that dress sloppily. I actually remember a specific occasion where bouncer turned me away for sloppy dress and I was mad at him for years. What I don't get is this: how would getting better dress would make you a better person? What would stop a criminal from putting a good dress? And again, you can't say "its not logic its emotions". They hired a bouncer for that very purpose. So this very much IS logic. So can you tell me what it is that they see that I don't?

Speaking of bouncer, in that particular situation, he told me to dress well and come back (except for the fact that my roommate wasn't going to make that special trip back home or whatever). So I guess with this particular scenario I have an answer to the above questions. But it doesn't make it any more logical. Was he telling me that I would magically become a better person when I will put on myself a different dress?

But with resume, they aren't telling me "change your resume and resubmit". They just toss it out. WHY???

Now what about girls? If they saw me messy and now I am no longer messy, would they like me (similar to the bouncer) or would they dislike me (similar to the job)? In both cases, what would be the logic?

 

[Darkkin]

Frankly, why should people have to ask if you're single? That is entitlement and points to a certain level of emotional self indulgence. It isn't society's responsibility to read your mind, know your scripted conversation, and read it back to you verbatum. People are busy, the world is busy. There isn't time to ask every person. Why are you single?

And from a female standpoint, the fixation on the girlfriend as a social replacement for different social voids comes across as the objectification of a status symbol paid for by the neutralization of the individual. Basically, the wants, needs, and uniqueness of the female are reduced to zero, her sole function is to make her partner look successful and fulfill their emotional needs.

If she steps out of line, she falls off the pedestal and shatters. It leaves her entirely at fault for ruining the ideal because she didn't do exactly what she was supposed to do. She made a mistake that embarrassed her partner...

There is a disconnect between the ideal and the reality of the real nature of people. This is a pattern that is repeating in the tone of multiple threads. Excluded because people are not making overtures to the exile...thusly, the group demographic is at fault. No accountability is being taken by the individual.

Akin to buying a designer puppy as a status symbol and conversation starter and then getting upset with the puppy when it jumps on someone, chews on a shoe, or makes a mess in the house because no one has put any time or effort into training the puppy. No one took responsibility and left the puppy to its own devices and the outcome is a disaster.

Those without accountability will blame the puppy for the situation because the puppy didn't stop and think before it peed on the floor, uprooted the plant, and shredded the couch. The solution, dump the puppy because it was the puppy's fault.

The reasoning pattern of those who don't have accountability for their own social interactions are identical. Anything that went wrong is the other's fault.

Solution, ditch the other side when they bring up the topic of accountability and personal responsibility. Call out the behaviour and see what happens. Defend the puppy.

 

[Aspychata]

Yes. These are all your ideas about things. But many of us are just going to try to get a car, dress a little nicer, (mask more), and keep trying. If you know your odds increase by reformatting your resume, upping your game, then why wouldn't you do it? It seems you would rather discuss all the logic behind everything then actually put anything into practice. That's fine, but no girlfriend is going to hang out why you break everything down into a thesis paper of why you shouldn't or should do something, or if it is correct or not correct, and simply not having a car can totally wreak your chances of scoring a date, unless you are in a excellent place with great bus service.

I went online and met a very handsome, very European looking guy. Have you considered online dating? Another possibility, is a dating coach, that will help you present a better you. My ex-husband, was a diamond in the rough. I did polish up his resume, change his clothes, get him a interview coach, change his office, apply for jobs that he wouldn't apply for and he is now director at a job l found him. He would never go back to the person he was. Most woman won't take the time to do this, so perhaps l am a bit different. Also he was open to updating himself, and never questioned what we did or ask me why should l do this. We all can take a little time to present a better us, be more confident, be more approachable, or we could discuss the logic of this until the cows come home.

My ex-husband walked to school with no shoes, and he felt his car should maintain itself, and ate spaghetti bachelor style over the sink. But he is now a mature guy with curly hair, and takes his car to the repair shop. Lol

 

[Judge]

Having remained single my entire life, in most cases those who would confront me as ask such a thing were mostly blood-relatives rather than friends or strangers.

And I suspect in most instances they were really speculating over my sexual orientation. Rude and intrusive...but there you have it. The opinions of strangers were never of any interest or consequence to me. As for the few friends I had, they all knew I was heterosexual. I can also think of two other relatives that went through this as well.

To me this is a social dynamic without any specific political, racial, religious or geographic overtones. In essence that you can find rude people anywhere and everywhere, including your own kin.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

It's impolite to ask why someone is single.

 

[Darkkin]

It's impolite to ask why someone is single.

 

[Polchinski]

Frankly, why should people have to ask if you're single? That is entitlement and points to a certain level of emotional self indulgence.

Only because I deduce from that article that they ask others that question.

Prior to reading that article, I was assuming that this question isn't normally asked, so no need to get upset that I, specifically, don't get asked that. But, after reading this article, I realize that others are asked that, hence the question why don't I get asked that.

Now, the line of thought that "others are offered X, why don't I", was long before I ever thought of "why are you single" question. But that question is the latest example of it. What bothers me a whole lot more is "why do others have friends and significant others, while I don't".

It isn't society's responsibility to read your mind, know your scripted conversation, and read it back to you verbatum.

I never said I wanted a "scripted conversation". I simply used that question as an EXAMPLE to illustrate my point. As a matter of fact, the whole idea of this question only occurred to me after I read that article, which was just two or three days ago. But the ISSUE that I wanted to bring up is the one that been bothering me for multiple years.

Now, the purpose of bringing up an example is because, when I been talking about "more general issue", I was often asked "what if its all in your head". But the example would illustrate that no its not in my head.

Well, "fixing" that specific example won't solve much, just like manipulating thermometer to show lower numbers won't cure the fever. So "scripted conversation" designed to avoid this specific concern is the last thing I want. What I DO want, however, is to talk about the BIGGER ISSUE that this example points to.

People are busy, the world is busy. There isn't time to ask every person. Why are you single?

So why do others get asked that?

And from a female standpoint, the fixation on the girlfriend as a social replacement for different social voids comes across as the objectification of a status symbol paid for by the neutralization of the individual. Basically, the wants, needs, and uniqueness of the female are reduced to zero, her sole function is to make her partner look successful and fulfill their emotional needs.

I heard this a lot, but here is what I don't get about it. If I say "I need girlfriend for A", why would it negate that I might also need her for B and C? It sounds like they make an assumption that if I want a girlfriend for one thing, it means that I don't have any other needs and this one thing is the sole thing I care about. But why does it have to be the case?

Now, in my case, A and B are completely different. A is the sense of "character assassination" that is connected to being single. And B is the need for emotional support and feeling lonely. Now, feeling lonely won't make me want to vent about it. I would, instead, talk about some other topics, whatever topic gets me the company. But feeling character assassination very much would make me vent. Thats why I focus so much time on character assassination. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel lonely all the same.

Now, as far as feeling lonely, I don't want a girlfriend to be a scripted robot. Robot won't cure the loneliness.

As a matter of fact, in retrospect, I think that "wanting a script" was one of my mistakes. You see, back in 2002 and 2003, I was exclusively focused on Hillel and dating sites (yes I countinued going to Hillel even though I was rejected). Neither of those two things worked. But then there was one cashier that kept trying to chat me up when I was going home to buy groceries late at night. I would give her short answers because I was in a hurry to get home, eat the stuff I just bought, and collapse into bed. But then one night she said to someone else, "I am in love with this guy", he asked "whom", she said "comes in here, never talks". I kept wonderin ever since: did she mean me or not? On the one hand, the word "that" refers to someone in front of you, and that was me. On the other hand, you don't talk about things like that in front of someone, so its not me. And I could never bring myself to ask that.

In any case, my "script" of going to dating sites got me a girlfriend shortly thereafter. I wasn't happy with that girlfriend at all, because she was controlling (if anyone it was her who wanted to put me into a script). So looking back I am thinking: "if only I could just get myself out of that script and actually pay attention to the girl in that store, maybe I would have been so much happier". And no, the girl at the store didn't follow any scripts. My script was to go home as soon as possible, eat those groceries and jump into the bed. She was interrupting my script, which is precisely why i was giving her a cold sholder. But I feel so bad about it. I wish I wasn't in such a hurry.

Maybe one reason you said that I don't care about emotional part and only care about social status part is because I said that I didn't want a girlfriend up until I was 21, and only wanted her at 21 when I got an idea about being low status. Well, the reason I didn't want the connection before 21 is that I thought "the more time I spend on math and physics the better". So its not like the connection didn't matter. It was more about the fact that it was lower importance than the career. But, when it was combined with the other things I learned at 21, it was no longer was less important.

Also, it is quite common for people to want to be single at some point and want a relationship at another point. So I wasn't the only one in this regard. But, once I do want a relationship, then yes I do have preferences as to what kind of relationship I want, just like everyone else does. And emotional connection is high on the list.

If she steps out of line, she falls off the pedestal and shatters. It leaves her entirely at fault for ruining the ideal because she didn't do exactly what she was supposed to do.

Since you mentioned "script" earlier in this post, are you referring to the idea that I want a girlfriend to follow the script? If so, that is not true at all. Because "scripted relationship" would be boring. I certainly DO want a girlfriend to have her own personality and bring something to the table.

She made a mistake that embarrassed her partner...

That would depend on how exactly she embarrasses me.

If you are talking about some huge super-embarrassment, then I am sure other people would be mad in that situation as well. But then why should I expect this to happen?

If, on the other hand, you are talking about something subtle, then I won't be upset by it any more than most people. In fact, due to Asperger, I am socially unaware, so I might even not notice said "embarassment".

For example, back when I was in a relationship over a decade ago, I met a grandma of my then-girlfriend, who was German, and she talked about the way she was serving on Stalinist concentration camps during World War 2. The next day my then-girlfriend apologized on her behalf because she thought that it was rude to talk about it, given that I am from Russia. I disagreed with her. I didn't find it rude at all. On the contrary, I actually enjoyed that conversation.

But then, on a flip side, there are other examples when I do get upset by what people say or do, and they are telling me that I read into things too much. But in those cases, my getting upset has nothing to do with "using them" for anything but a lot more to do with my past bad experiences that made me read negative things into it.

If you are referring to her "embarass

Those without accountability will blame the puppy for the situation because the puppy didn't stop and think before it peed on the floor, uprooted the plant, and shredded the couch. The solution, dump the puppy because it was the puppy's fault.

Thats not what I do either. In every single past relationship that I had, it was my girlfriend that dumped me.

That plus also I didn't blame it on my girlfriends, I blamed it on my Asperger. Thats why I wanted second chances to prove myself, yet the girls didn't want to listen to me and were dumping me.

 

[Polchinski]

It's impolite to ask why someone is single.

Thats what I was assuming up until few days ago. But then, few days ago, I read that article that talked about people being asked that. Hence the question why am I not among the people being asked.

 

[Polchinski]

and simply not having a car can totally wreak your chances of scoring a date, unless you are in a excellent place with great bus service.

Are you referring to practicalities of of it, as if we would be too far away to meet, or are you more referring to the date judging me negatively as a person for the fact that I don't have a car?

If it is "judging me as a person", it is a bit interesting. Because you mentioned how having really good transportation would somehow excuse me from that judgement. So what that means is that she would actually stop to think "why" don't I have a car. And then she would say "oh there is a good transportation, thats why" or she would say "the transportaion is bad, so he must be really poor".

The reason it surprising is that what it tells me is that girls actually do stop and think about things. Yet, the way it appears to be is that "they just pick up bad vibes and don't have time to think". And it is really frustrating to keep assuming that people simply don't notice me, and then discover that they do. It makes me feel mislead.

This is not the first time I noticed that when I thought "people don't have time to think" they actually do, and hide it. Speaking of my resume, I kept thinking "nobody has time to look at it, let me write something clever that draws their attention". So I wrote at length how I would teach in non-conventional ways. What I was later told was that this kind of cover letter was the reason my application was turned down. WHAT?! I thought they don't have time to notice things. But actually they did notice. In fact extra-noticed.

Or another example. Most professors, even the ones that know me well, often don't respond to my emails. I thought they don't have time. But my mom didn't think so, She thought that its because of my grammar errors. So she spent the whole hour staring into my screen fixing my grammar. Part of it is that she thinks very slowly, so she would literally stare for five minutes and debate what to fix or how. I never asked her for that kind of help. She pushed it on me. Well, surprise surprise surprise: after that email was finally sent, I got a response very quickly. SO apparently professors DO have time: they apparently have an hour to give as close look to the email as my mom did! Well, then why don't they have five minutes to reply, even if its not up to that standard?!

I went online and met a very handsome, very European looking guy. Have you considered online dating? Another possibility, is a dating coach, that will help you present a better you. My ex-husband, was a diamond in the rough. I did polish up his resume, change his clothes, get him a interview coach, change his office, apply for jobs that he wouldn't apply for and he is now director at a job l found him. He would never go back to the person he was.

Here are some questions:

1) Did either of you ever tell the people at the place he is currently at, that you helped with his resume?

2) If the answer to "1" is yes, why don't they follow a logical conclusion and start hiring people even with resume written in a poor style? After all, he is not any different from them, since the work was your, not his.

3) As a matter of fact, as a director, why doesn't he himself decide to start hiring people with resume written in bad style? After all, he been in their shoes, so he knows that the style doesn't necessarely reflect his skills?

4) What about the places that rejected him in the past? If he were to show them his current resume, would they be happy to hire him now?

5) If the answer to "1" is yes and the answer to "4" is no, isn't it illogical that the old places won't hire him, while the new place still keeps him, despite the fact that they have the same information about his past and current resumes?

Most woman won't take the time to do this, so perhaps l am a bit different.

Thats one of the main things I am complaining about. Because I am happy to change for a girl. But they don't give me an opportunity to change. So I feel frustrated.

If the girl were to say "I didn't like that you did A, in future please do B", I won't get upset. No reason to. I will just do B.

But if a girl says "I didn't like that you did A, so I am breaking up with you", then yes I am upset. Because now she is assuming I am incapable of doing B. But what if I am capable? Why not give me a chance?

Now, with some of the girls that were rejecting me, I actually argued about it. Their response was "you should be who you are". And it always pissed me off. So they were basically telling me that being single and childless for the rest of my life is worth it, just in the name of "being who I am"? I guess I it is a bit dramatic on my part because they could have been thinking that I am not compatible with them but I might be with someone else. But its hard to see how they would think that, because some of those issues are pretty universal. Besides, there were some instances when I actually asked people (both men and women) "do you think I should be single and childless for the rest of my life" and sometimes I did get the answer that "its okay if I would, the most important thing is to be happy with myself". This pissed me off.

Well, in your case, you do believe in changing. So I like your attitude. I am just upset as to why other people don't think that way.

So if other people "want you to be yourself", does it mean that they would be opposed to someone having their resume corrected? Are they assuming that the people they are hiring are having the resume perfect without any effort since "thats who they are", while everyone else should refrain from improving their skills and just not get a job so that "they can be themselves"? I mean, thats what it feels like if you take the attitude with dating and put it into the language of jobs. And it pisses me off.

Also he was open to updating himself, and never questioned what we did or ask me why should l do this.

I do argue with girls. But the context of my arguing is the fact that I don't want them to break up with me. So if, instead of breaking up, they were to actually teach me to do certain things differently, maybe I won't be arguing so much.

Now I realize that there might have been miscommunication. Because sometimes they aren't breaking up just yet, but I read into it as if they do. And, on their end, they actually are trying to tell me "in future do it differently" but they don't verbalize it and instead the only thing they verbalize is how I am a jerk for doing something wrong in the past. So because of that miscommunication I get into a defensive mode trying to prove to them that I am not a jerk, but they interpret it as my refusal to change. Which on my end is not the case at all: I can't refuse something I am not offered! So perhaps they are thinking that by being critical they are "implicitly" telling me to change, but thats not how I read it. If I were to be told to change, I would be all for it. My complaint is that it doesn't happen.

My ex-husband walked to school with no shoes, and he felt his car should maintain itself, and ate spaghetti bachelor style over the sink. But he is now a mature guy with curly hair, and takes his car to the repair shop. Lol

In my case, what my mom calls me out on is that I eat with my mouth open, put a lot in my mouth at a time, put a new spoon at my mouth before I swallowed the previous one, I eat fast, one of my legs is pointing outside as if I am about to run, and when I do finish eating I get up before I swallow the last thing in my mouth, so I get up while still chewing. However, I do not eat things over the sink.

As far as my dress, I tuck in my shirt in front but not in the back, I don't brush my hair, I put dirty clothes on, my zipper is undone, etc. However, I don't walk without shoes.

So does this mean he is bigger slob than me? If so, how come he could get a wife and I can't?