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Who I Am Today

ayogreg

Member
This is a bit of a long one, but if you struggled with behavior throughout your childhood (or at all) I think it may be an interesting read for you. I'd like to know your thoughts.

I just wanted to share my experience about who I am today and what got me here. I find studying people to be interesting, their behavior, no matter how small the cues may be, is intriguing to figure out how they're feeling in a certain situation. I also do the same to myself and study my own behavior to better understand who I am and how I can improve myself to appear less awkward and uncomfortable in social situations.

I was around 10 years old maybe... It starts as early as I can remember, noticing my own behavior wasn't matching everyone else's. Most notably, it would be how I reacted to situations that would make others upset, such as deaths in the family, whether it be family members or pets. I always felt like I was having to force a reaction such as shock, disbelief and sadness. I remember being aware that even though I did care about what was happening, I didn't feel it necessary to show any emotion, mostly because I didn't really have any to put on display. However, I forced the emotion and reactions anyway so as to not appear different from other people.

Moving on through the years I began to slowly understand more and more that I was different than other people. I was a very annoying kid throughout my school years. I remember starting each new year telling myself "I'm going to be normal this year. I'm not going to be weird and annoying" yet it would always turn out the same. I would have random bursts of just... weirdness... I don't really know how else to word it. I would say weird things, do weird things and it would always result in me being upset at the end of the day because other students would treat me like a weird person would, and should, be treated. Teachers would get upset with me and my parents would be called in to the school, just an endless cycle. I should have been medicated for ADHD and it genuinely makes me angry that no one ever clued in to it and did anything about it. I vividly remember a friend talking to me about his "hyper pills" and it made no sense to me what those could ever be or what they'd be used for. Obviously now I understand it's the medication I should have been on...

In to my late teens I would begin to take personality traits from people and I could very easily mimic them. I would act like other people who I saw as confident and held themselves well in social environments. This could be anyone from new friends I'd meet or co-workers. It seemed to work well and over time I just began to build up this personality of mannerisms that I realized were getting positive reactions and reinforcement from others I interacted with.

One core memory I have that I always think back to is when I was at a tour of a high level job I may be able to get after my college program. I went with my dad and he would always say things such as how I need to seem more interested when people are talking to me, so that's what I aimed to do at this tour. The facility was very impressive and as the guide was showing us one of the rooms, he would be talking and explaining how everything works, and I would glance at him every now and then, but figured it would be best if I had a look of wonder and intrigue as I looked around at the area we were in rather than make eye contact. After the tour, my dad, seemingly disappointed, told me how the guide kept trying to talk to me but it seemed as though I wasn't paying attention, so he kept directing his attention to my dad and how it in general just seemed like I didn't care to be there. At the time I didn't know how to explain my reasoning for doing things or my behavior, but I just remember thinking "Well that's what you told me to do, I was looking around, expressing my interest like you said..." That's the best way I could think of how to do it. I also remember thinking to myself "I can be whoever you want me to be, I can act however you want me to act, just tell me how to do it and I'll do it." I'm glad I didn't say that directly, because it's so beyond normal that he probably would have thought I was some sort of psychopath and put me in an institution.

A weird thing I do now is I will have full conversations and interactions in my head before I even have them in person. I will pre-plan what I am going to say to someone and even reply to my statements with what I believe the other person will say. I'll run through the same scenario a few times at the very least and each time I will have the other person say something different so I can alter my response. This has worked out quite well almost all of the time and in some situations the other person will say exactly what I predicted they would say. I can then follow that pre-planned scenario in my head and the conversation can flow smoothly without me stumbling over my words and turning the situation awkward.

I am now 30 and am basically a carefully constructed version of myself that I feel is well accepted in society and who I feel everyone wants me to be. I choose my words carefully and avoid saying too much so I don't annoy people or say the wrong thing. I've been doing this for so long that I don't even have to try anymore, I've just adapted it as the new me, like someone putting on a new outfit that fits so perfectly they never want to take it off.

I hope this doesn't sound creepy, I'm just really trying to be a normal person, I just don't have any natural inclinations to do so. Nothing comes naturally, it's all manufactured. I have had to examine, study, practice and adapt to new personality traits to escape who I used to be.

It would be nice to hear from anyone who can relate to this or at least can understand what I've written.
Thanks.
 
Yes, you're not alone.

Here and elsewhere, you'll find many references to masking (hiding who you are, including creation and adoption of a persona), being a chameleon (taking on characteristics of those around you or whom you've seen in media, etc.), and of developing safe "canned responses" for social interactions.
 
Think that neurotypical types just seem to instinctively know how to fit in. We as ND, have to sort of try on different personas, and see what we can be to get hired, have friends, relationships, roommates, etc. My mouth can have absolutely no filter, if l don't mask. Because my imagination is chasing the storyline, finding something to laugh at, just being me. However, society judges me severely if l don't mask, and watch what l say.
 
Wow, if anyone asks me what it's like to be ND I think I'd seriously consider linking them to this thread. I think you just encapsulated the core challenges that many of us face and don't know how to express quite as well.
 
This is a great post, very relatable, thanks for sharing.

Looking back, I was around 10 or 11 when I noticed a pattern in my differences to other people. I was even bullied for it by so called "teachers."

I've also had the comments about not appearing interested enough.

I also remember thinking to myself "I can be whoever you want me to be, I can act however you want me to act, just tell me how to do it and I'll do it."
Yes! My version is "Tell me what you want me to say, I'll say it, then we can all go home happy!" Of course I would never say that out loud either.

A weird thing I do now is I will have full conversations and interactions in my head before I even have them in person. I will pre-plan what I am going to say to someone and even reply to my statements with what I believe the other person will say. I'll run through the same scenario a few times at the very least and each time I will have the other person say something different so I can alter my response. This has worked out quite well almost all of the time and in some situations the other person will say exactly what I predicted they would say. I can then follow that pre-planned scenario in my head and the conversation can flow smoothly without me stumbling over my words and turning the situation awkward.
I try to do this, but it only works some of the time. Sounds like you are much better at this than me and have a much higher success rate. My interactions don't always go to plan.

It doesn't sound "creepy" or "weird" at all, these are all legitimate coping mechanisms. I just hope all the masking doesn't lead to you getting burnt out like a lot of people on the spectrum, myself included.
 

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