When worlds collide: A hazard of compartmentalizing people

[NTgirl4276]

That's a logical question! However I wouldn't look for any logic within the realm of social chemistry.

you're so right, Judge!

I am wondering if any of the feelings surrounding this topic has to do with feeling responsible for the the mix to work out to everybody's satisfaction?

I think this is EXACTLY my fear.

 

[Karin]

I think this is EXACTLY my fear.

But that is really the responsibility of each individual - not of the one who happens to be the connection between them. If you were to convince them how they absolutely had to meet, then perhaps, but not in a situation where it can't be otherwise. Easier said than done, though, to release the responsibility

 

[Mia]

Used to imagine the worst scenarios that could happen, then the cataclysmic doomsayer in my psyche seemed propitiated.

What are the worst scenarios? Most people are polite and kind on first meetings. Once the formalities are over, people tend to relax a little.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I am wondering if any of the feelings surrounding this topic has to do with feeling responsible for the the mix to work out to everybody's satisfaction?

Maybe, since you already know everybody involved, you can just step back / hide in a corner / peak out from behind the parasol and let them figure it out for themselves?

Definitely. Because of person A doesn't like person B, you're bound to get dragged into the middle of it, along with long, grueling conversations criticizing your choice of company and why you're not picking the "right" side. It makes me a bossy tour guide. "Now this person does this and this and I know you don't like that and that, so suck it up and deal with it or don't get me involved, got it?"

 

[watersprite]

Slithytoves and Harrison, first of all best wishes. Here is kestrel's advice: 1. create 'new mask #342' (or whatever number) and leave it on until the meeting is over, 2. make and stick to a schedule. Tell all the peeps that at a certain time you both will be leaving to a different location and don't tell them where. If they are the sort that need explanations, have an appropriate script ready.

 

[Judge]

I've already been warned not to do my gangsta talk

True, that might prove problematic and intimidating. Best to just be polite yet low-key, and disarm people with your charm while holding a kitty in your lap. And wear a bow-tie. Cotton balls in your jowls are optional.

And leave Luca Brazzi outside.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

The trouble with mixing my people is that I also have to mix my facades. This is generally best done with impeccable dress, understated jewelry with the ability to speak convincingly, high-quality war paint, and the highest heels I have, preferably purple suede or matte black-wove leather. Cocktail optional, but a seat near an egress will happen, whether the architecture was designed for it, or not.

 

[Spiller]

The trouble with mixing my people is that I also have to mix my facades. This is generally best done with impeccable dress, understated jewelry with the ability to speak convincingly, high-quality war paint, and the highest heels I have, preferably purple suede or matte black-wove leather. Cocktail optional, but a seat near an egress will happen, whether the architecture was designed for it, or not.

Aah, you have battle-dress - and obviously the style sense to maintain it.. I'm a bit wobbly in heels, but I do need to take someone to help me get a suit that does the job.

 

[Warmheart]

Slithy, I can really relate. No wonder you're feeling confuzzled about the mixing of humans from different spheres in your life. This is understandable to me.

I wish this upcoming meeting to go smoothly and comfortably for you both. I will be sending you both good vibes!

"Worlds collide" always reminds me of this Far Side.

 

[Harrison]

Slithy, I can really relate. No wonder you're feeling confuzzled about the mixing of humans from different spheres in your life. This is understandable to me.

Harrison, will you move here, or Slithy move to UK? I wish this upcoming meeting to go smoothly and comfortably for you both. I will be sending you both good vibes!

"Worlds collide" always reminds me of this Far Side.

Thank you Warmheart, we will be UK based

 

[Warmheart]

Should either of you get nervous thinking 'bout the family meeting, just try to envision it going like this

 

[Harrison]

Should either of you get nervous thinking 'bout the family meeting, just try to envision it going like this

One of my all time favs

 

[Judge]

Oh my. Movie metaphors. I had a deusy. But wisely chose not to post it....

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

In two weeks, I'll be deliberately putting myself in the middle of the one social situation I dread more than any other: My partner will be meeting my (immediate) family for the first time.

Since I was a kid, I've ordered my social universe by neatly compartmentalizing people according their context in my life. I have a "family" box, a "partner" box, and various "friend" boxes depending on how and when we met. Never the 'tween shall meet; in my head, and when I can help it, in real life. This tendency has only grown stronger in adulthood, and has been easy to facilitate for the fact that I live several hundred miles from my family, and my friends (and often, partners) are scattered all over the world.

If ever the people from one box have reason to meet those from another, I simply freak out. It's like an out-of-body experience. I lose my sense of place and identity, I don't understand my role in the gathering, and internal -- sometimes external -- chaos ensues for me. As much as I suspect most everyone in my life would get along well, just the idea of mixing my various loved ones makes my head want to explode. I always end up acting like an idiot, somehow.

So now I have a big one coming up. I'm 45, and I've only ever interacted with my family and a partner simultaneously twice before. One of those times doesn't even count fully, since my parents introduced us (albeit originally long-distance, by phone). I was doing fine until this week, but as The Day draws near, I'm starting to go a little crazy already. I have this weird cognitive dissonance going on. On one hand, I have a consistent visualization of everything going very well, with many concrete facts and considerations supporting that image. On the other, I'm having painfully anxious thoughts that I will explode into a million pieces anyway.

Does anybody else here recognize this tendency, having a hard time mixing their humans?

Thoughts or experiences?

Slithy, I think that friends and loves matter because you select them, families are people that we are stuck with, like it or not. What others think, do and say is irrelevant at best and usually problematic.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Well, it's going to be interesting as I have the same thing.

Generally I keep people in the boxes provided, I'm not sure I have an OOBE but I can certainly end up in a flat spin. I have no idea how to solve it, by the way, just thought I'd chip in some support.

On the bright side, I gain a new mom and dad, two sisters in law, a nephew, a niece, a brother in law and a country.

OK, now I'm scared

Hopefully someone else will have a proper answer, for both our sakes.

Love matters.
Life matters.
Learning matters.
Laughter matters.

Just about everything else is dust or wind, and does not matter much.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Me too! Ever since I was a kid. Actually when I was a kid, I would literally run away and hide from the embarrassing TV/movies.



Yes, exactly, I had to let go and realize I can't control others, and what they do does not reflect on me, and they will be okay without me. I worked on this because a few incidents with exes showed me how awful I can be when I act on that impulse to try to cover up the embarrassing thing. It looks like I am ashamed of them and I feel entitled to censor them, both of which are very ugly traits. It made me realize the feeling was actually self-centered and rooted in my own insecurities (e.g. wanting to be smart enough and never say anything stupid). So now I just sit back and let myself get embarrassed. Grin and bear it. And then I can feel like, hey, that was not so bad. And it makes me look good.

I'm thinking now about how this is related to the TV shows, because in that case I don't think the TV shows reflect on me. But I think it's related in that they both go back to a point Cynthia Kim made about empathy (that I recently mentioned in another thread): that the heightened emotional sensitivity of ASD is self-centered, not empathetic (or at least that it is at base just sensitivity, not inherently empathetic). She writes, " Is an autistic person who feels overwhelmed by an emotional situation truly sharing and understanding the emotional state of another person too much or are they overwhelmed by an inability to regulate their own reaction to a highly-charged situation?" I think the 'embarrassed for' feeling is a really good example of this kind of thing, at least for me.

I think we read people too well and reject the insincerity and duplicity that seems to be a social lubricant.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I see what you mean here, royinpink, can even remember being asked if I was ashamed of my partner.. I had no idea why she would think I was at the time and I was too busy not coping well with the situation and not understanding why, to be able to think about the whole thing and give her an answer, even if I'd known then what I do now.

How would we have learned to regulate this reaction without much previous experience and peers to emulate, not to mention lacking in cognitive empathy - and what about the burden of anxiety forcing an instinctive flight response, bypassing rational thought altogether?

A good article by Cynthia Kim that, thank you.
She said:

"If I encounter two people having a shouting argument, my emotional reaction is the same as if I were the target of their shouting, as if they were both angry at me.. ..in this kind of situation, the only person I’m thinking about is myself and how uncomfortable I am."

Also:

"I struggle with taking the view of another person spontaneously and instinctively. I lack cognitive empathy."

This fits the TV thing, as well as real life situations too - I watch a scene involving bullying and I'm sweating and anxious almost as though it were actually happening to me!
It seems to me that social anxiety may look much like self-centeredness, but it really isn't - I'm not thinking of myself, what thoughts I have are rooted in fear of rejection, it's reflexive - I just want to get away from the danger!
Is this due solely to the ASD, I wonder, or also to the impossible position of basic Life-or-Death needing to belong and simply not knowing how, resulting in being rejected for being different, perceived to be slow/stupid..

I think Aspers are less inclined to argue, or become hateful towards those we care for because we usually reject the over emotional hysterical option for a more reasoned solution than a temper tantrum. At least we think about what we are feeling, rather than projectile vomiting our insecurities upon those we have affections for, I hope.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Yes, I certainly panic when I have to mix my humans! For that reason I found it difficult to date when I was a single mom, because I couldn't juggle being a mommy and being a girlfriend at the same time. I once introduced two of my friends and they went off partying together (after promising to pick me up at my home) I painfully realized that they were better suited and that they both had decided that I was too nerdy to hang out with.

The larger your social group, the more drama and confusion you will deal with. When it come to group think, I prefer simple and elegant rather than abundance.

 

[Beverly]

Karin, I know that is the case for me. I have, out of necessity, learned to be a perfect host and, when my humans have to be mixed, I feel as if I must insure the time is spectacular for all involved. That is difficult when I have my husband, for whom only the best will suffice, one of my closest friends who gets only very close to the best and, one I do not like whom could be ignored entirely all in one group.

Tomorrow it gets worse, I will have those three, my step daughter who is in the "I hate divas" box, her daughter who is in the "cool but not too close" box, her younger two daughters, one in the "cool teenage" box and, one in the "young and annoying" box and, my great granddaughter who is in the "like me" box because she is diagnose ADHD and, suspected Aspie at age six.

I suspect a neighbor who is in my "helpful to be on good terms with but, I don't like you" box may drop by as well for a few hours. We are rebuilding a pontoon boat we bought from the neighbor and, everyone wants to work on it with us so that they will get to go out with us for the "second time maiden voyage" party next month. And yes that was my doing, I cannot give up my professional ways entirely and, that is the proper thing to do - host a party on the boat that begins with re-christening the boat and, proceeds into dancing and a full on board bar, with the best (studio masters) music well into the night.

I know, entirely insane for an Aspie but, the boat would not be finished if I didn't do it, it must be done to complete the boat properly and so, I must again be the perfect host and composed performer, the full facade that I have not used in 10 years must be used again.

I can empathize with anyone having to mix humans and, make it work perfectly, even when you know that is next to impossible.

 

[Karin]

Beverly, just reading your post makes me wants to take out the trash and get lost on the way, not returning to the house guests for hours...