When worlds collide: A hazard of compartmentalizing people

[Slithytoves]

In two weeks, I'll be deliberately putting myself in the middle of the one social situation I dread more than any other: My partner will be meeting my (immediate) family for the first time.

Since I was a kid, I've ordered my social universe by neatly compartmentalizing people according their context in my life. I have a "family" box, a "partner" box, and various "friend" boxes depending on how and when we met. Never the 'tween shall meet; in my head, and when I can help it, in real life. This tendency has only grown stronger in adulthood, and has been easy to facilitate for the fact that I live several hundred miles from my family, and my friends (and often, partners) are scattered all over the world.

If ever the people from one box have reason to meet those from another, I simply freak out. It's like an out-of-body experience. I lose my sense of place and identity, I don't understand my role in the gathering, and internal -- sometimes external -- chaos ensues for me. As much as I suspect most everyone in my life would get along well, just the idea of mixing my various loved ones makes my head want to explode. I always end up acting like an idiot, somehow.

So now I have a big one coming up. I'm 45, and I've only ever interacted with my family and a partner simultaneously twice before. One of those times doesn't even count fully, since my parents introduced us (albeit originally long-distance, by phone). I was doing fine until this week, but as The Day draws near, I'm starting to go a little crazy already. I have this weird cognitive dissonance going on. On one hand, I have a consistent visualization of everything going very well, with many concrete facts and considerations supporting that image. On the other, I'm having painfully anxious thoughts that I will explode into a million pieces anyway.

Does anybody else here recognize this tendency, having a hard time mixing their humans?

Thoughts or experiences?

 

[royinpink]

Well, I definitely compartmentalize people, and either I attract strong personalities, or I am capable of playing different roles for each of them, because they often don't mix well. But I can't say I get as anxious about them mixing. It's like an experiment: watch it go boom!

Um... more seriously, I guess I don't really care all that much what my parents think, so that helps. And I trust my friends enough not to abandon me just because they don't like all my company. The only thing that I still get a bit touchy about is the 'feeling embarrassed for someone' feeling, but I've tried to get past that because it shows my own insecurity and controlling tendencies more than anything else. Do you know what I mean? Hope I'm not being so evasive that I'm making no sense there.

Anyway, I am sure the meeting will be great. Maybe do something that will take your mind off it? Or just run off the anxiety. Good luck!

 

[Harrison]

Well, it's going to be interesting as I have the same thing.

Generally I keep people in the boxes provided, I'm not sure I have an OOBE but I can certainly end up in a flat spin. I have no idea how to solve it, by the way, just thought I'd chip in some support.

On the bright side, I gain a new mom and dad, two sisters in law, a nephew, a niece, a brother in law and a country.

OK, now I'm scared

Hopefully someone else will have a proper answer, for both our sakes.

 

[Spiller]

I bet this is a common thing, but I reckon it's greatly exacerbated by ASD's and anxiety.
Mixing my humans seems like trying to mix oil and water to me - I don't know if I just have a knack for collecting totally disparate humans or if it's my anxiety making a mountain out of a human-hill - or, possibly, my sense of order screaming that my stuff's getting mixed up and untidy..
When it happens (and it's rare) I find myself in a situation I not only can't control - I can't escape it, I don't know how to act appropriately.. and I think my sense of who I am as measured against my peers comes under direct scrutiny - at least that's what my social-anxiety thoughts tell me..
Maybe people get used to it, or just figure out how to act if it's a common scenario, like introducing your 20th boy/girl-friend to your friends and family - that's my two times..
When I imagine the situation of my family meeting a prospective partner, I feel anxious even though whatever happens, happens in their emotional/cognitive space, not mine - my space is comfortable with both parties.. I guess I have to allow others to order their own space as they will and not allow myself to feel judged or lessened.
The best I can hope for is to be able to stay calm, take each moment as it comes and accept whatever happens.
I suspect you'll be fine though - everyone there knows you're both Aspies and I'd say that's a great start

 

[Beverly]

I prefer my people stay in their compartments as well. Family I like here, family I dislike there, true friends in that one, casual friends in another and so on. That doesn't always work out so well.

My latest is a step son who is in the "family I do not like" compartment is in a serious relationship with a woman in my "True friends compartment and, they recently moved in together. They also come to my home together every weekend, at my husband's request. he really likes her and thinks she is good for his son. There I agree but, she is too good for him and deserves better. Still they do love each other and, are happy together. I have to allow the step son to be in the "True friends" box with her even though I cannot forget the harm he cause when he stayed with us for a year, nor entirely forgive him the physical damage he did to my home and property and, the cost of repairing that.

I know it's very difficult to do, but try to put your mind in a neutral point of view, as if none of them are in any compartment yet. Let the meeting happen, interact as you can but don't force it. See what happens, then re sort the compartments as needed and, if you must, as I did, place a hall between two of them where it's okay for both to meet sometimes.

 

[royinpink]

I feel anxious even though whatever happens, happens in their emotional/cognitive space, not mine - my space is comfortable with both parties.. I guess I have to allow others to order their own space as they will and not allow myself to feel judged or lessened.

This! This is what I do with the 'embarrassed for someone' feeling. You put it so clearly.

 

[Judge]

Does anybody else here recognize this tendency, having a hard time mixing their humans?

I think you covered that rather well.

I bet this is a common thing, but I reckon it's greatly exacerbated by ASD's and anxiety.

Stands to reason. We have enough to deal with when it comes to socialization in general. But when one "social compartment" spills over into another, it creates social unpredictability. Where the anxiety level peaks. Not good, even in the event of a favorable outcome.

Yes, it's an inherently stressful situation.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Every time I hear "worlds are colliding", I immediately picture a Seinfeld episode I watched as a kid where George Constanza had people from different parts of his life meet. Hilarious episode to watch, certainly painful to live through.

I turn into an annoying tour guide and irritate myself. "This person is _____ and they do _____ and this person is _____ and they do _____". ARGH!

 

[Spiller]

The only thing that I still get a bit touchy about is the 'feeling embarrassed for someone' feeling, but I've tried to get past that because it shows my own insecurity and controlling tendencies more than anything else. Do you know what I mean?

I know and loathe this feeling very well indeed - there are even TV programmes I don't watch because I'm embarrassed for a character! Even though I'm empathising, I'm also aching to travel back in time and change my own past - can't do that though, I can only change how I feel about that event and/or, if I can't remember, then this current trigger.
This is a fairly recent realisation, that I'm almost trying to telepathically control others to protect myself.. kinda like clutching at straws when you're drowning, maybe.
I also realise that it'll take me the rest of my life to overcome those reflexive coping strategies I learned early on.. the best thing I have done, though, in terms of gaining real control, is to become consciously aware of them.

 

[Judge]

Makes me wonder if our lives are much like Quentin Tarantino scripts. That when there's a convergence of all these social compartments it usually means trouble. Or worse.

 

[Spiller]

Makes me wonder if our lives are much like Quentin Tarantino scripts. That when there's a convergence of all these social compartments it usually means trouble. Or worse.

Perhaps Slithy should frisk everyone for weapons at the door, just to be sure

 

[Harrison]

Perhaps Slithy should frisk everyone for weapons at the door, just to be sure

I've already been warned not to do my gangsta talk

 

[Judge]

I've already been warned not to do my gansta talk

Well....I suppose you could always quote Ezekiel 25 17.....

 

[Harrison]

Well....I suppose you could always quote Ezekiel.....

Soooooo want to do that

 

[royinpink]

there are even TV programmes I don't watch because I'm embarrassed for a character!

Me too! Ever since I was a kid. Actually when I was a kid, I would literally run away and hide from the embarrassing TV/movies.

I'm almost trying to telepathically control others to protect myself.

Yes, exactly, I had to let go and realize I can't control others, and what they do does not reflect on me, and they will be okay without me. I worked on this because a few incidents with exes showed me how awful I can be when I act on that impulse to try to cover up the embarrassing thing. It looks like I am ashamed of them and I feel entitled to censor them, both of which are very ugly traits. It made me realize the feeling was actually self-centered and rooted in my own insecurities (e.g. wanting to be smart enough and never say anything stupid). So now I just sit back and let myself get embarrassed. Grin and bear it. And then I can feel like, hey, that was not so bad. And it makes me look good.

I'm thinking now about how this is related to the TV shows, because in that case I don't think the TV shows reflect on me. But I think it's related in that they both go back to a point Cynthia Kim made about empathy (that I recently mentioned in another thread): that the heightened emotional sensitivity of ASD is self-centered, not empathetic (or at least that it is at base just sensitivity, not inherently empathetic). She writes, " Is an autistic person who feels overwhelmed by an emotional situation truly sharing and understanding the emotional state of another person too much or are they overwhelmed by an inability to regulate their own reaction to a highly-charged situation?" I think the 'embarrassed for' feeling is a really good example of this kind of thing, at least for me.

 

[NTgirl4276]

i absolutely hate it when I have to mix my humans!!

perhaps because we tend to "choose" people based on interests, i likewise compartmentalize the people in my life based on those interests. i used to do this with my friend groups; i had "work friends," "high school friends," "college friends," and "party friends." and i was admittedly a slightly different person for each group. i have since realized that i did not like who i became with some of those people, and have jettisoned some of the compartments entirely (the "party friends" had to go!) in favor of surrounding myself only with people who bring out the best in me.

but, i still don't like it when the humans from different parts of my life meet each other, and i avoid it whenever possible. it fills me with anxiety, because i feel like I have to be the go-between, responsible for facilitating the conversation between them. my biggest fear is that they will hate each other, and then question who I am (because if they hate each other, and I like both/all of them, what does that say about me?).

i hope people have some good advice for handling these situations with some measure of grace and confidence, because i need some, too! the only thing I have attempted to do in the past is "prime" the newbie to at least one member of the compartment they will be joining, i.e. in the weeks leading up to my sister's visit last summer, I kept telling her anecdotes about one of my friends. It was my hope that, when she met the group, she would feel at least a modicum of familiarity with one of them, which might relieve some of the pressure on me to facilitate introductions/camaraderie-building. i have no idea if it worked in the slightest.

 

[Judge]

my biggest fear is that they will hate each other, and then question who I am (because if they hate each other, and I like both/all of them, what does that say about me?).

That's a logical question! However I wouldn't look for any logic within the realm of social chemistry.

 

[Spiller]

Yes, exactly, I had to let go and realize I can't control others, and what they do does not reflect on me, and they will be okay without me. I worked on this because a few incidents with exes showed me how awful I can be when I act on that impulse to try to cover up the embarrassing thing. It looks like I am ashamed of them and I feel entitled to censor them, both of which are very ugly traits. It made me realize the feeling was actually self-centered and rooted in my own insecurities (e.g. wanting to be smart enough and never say anything stupid). So now I just sit back and let myself get embarrassed. Grin and bear it. And then I can feel like, hey, that was not so bad. And it makes me look good.

I'm thinking now about how this is related to the TV shows, because in that case I don't think the TV shows reflect on me. But I think it's related in that they both go back to a point Cynthia Kim made about empathy (that I recently mentioned in another thread): that the heightened emotional sensitivity of ASD is self-centered, not empathetic (or at least that it is at base just sensitivity, not inherently empathetic). She writes, " Is an autistic person who feels overwhelmed by an emotional situation truly sharing and understanding the emotional state of another person too much or are they overwhelmed by an inability to regulate their own reaction to a highly-charged situation?" I think the 'embarrassed for' feeling is a really good example of this kind of thing, at least for me.

I see what you mean here, royinpink, can even remember being asked if I was ashamed of my partner.. I had no idea why she would think I was at the time and I was too busy not coping well with the situation and not understanding why, to be able to think about the whole thing and give her an answer, even if I'd known then what I do now.

How would we have learned to regulate this reaction without much previous experience and peers to emulate, not to mention lacking in cognitive empathy - and what about the burden of anxiety forcing an instinctive flight response, bypassing rational thought altogether?

A good article by Cynthia Kim that, thank you.
She said:

"If I encounter two people having a shouting argument, my emotional reaction is the same as if I were the target of their shouting, as if they were both angry at me.. ..in this kind of situation, the only person I’m thinking about is myself and how uncomfortable I am."

Also:

"I struggle with taking the view of another person spontaneously and instinctively. I lack cognitive empathy."

This fits the TV thing, as well as real life situations too - I watch a scene involving bullying and I'm sweating and anxious almost as though it were actually happening to me!
It seems to me that social anxiety may look much like self-centeredness, but it really isn't - I'm not thinking of myself, what thoughts I have are rooted in fear of rejection, it's reflexive - I just want to get away from the danger!
Is this due solely to the ASD, I wonder, or also to the impossible position of basic Life-or-Death needing to belong and simply not knowing how, resulting in being rejected for being different, perceived to be slow/stupid..

 

[garnetflower13]

Yes, I certainly panic when I have to mix my humans! For that reason I found it difficult to date when I was a single mom, because I couldn't juggle being a mommy and being a girlfriend at the same time. I once introduced two of my friends and they went off partying together (after promising to pick me up at my home) I painfully realized that they were better suited and that they both had decided that I was too nerdy to hang out with.

 

[Karin]

I am wondering if any of the feelings surrounding this topic has to do with feeling responsible for the the mix to work out to everybody's satisfaction?

Maybe, since you already know everybody involved, you can just step back / hide in a corner / peak out from behind the parasol and let them figure it out for themselves?