when to tell?

[danxp]

my son is now 10 and he's really suffering socially... he experiences sadness much of the time... as the kids around him have gotten older it seems they've become less tolerant of his quirkiness and some of his outright (unknowing) obnoxiousness... consequently, i think they don't want to be around him at all... he always says life is unfair...

i've never told him anything about his diagnosis... i'm wondering if/when i should tell... my concern is that he'll say life is even more unfair if told of his diagnosis... is it still too early to tell?

but in a best-case scenario i'm hoping it'll help him a lot so he can adjust his behavior on his own...

thanks.

 

[Judge]

It hurts to read that. Reminds me so much of how my own social life went over a cliff at that age. Where kids suddenly became mean-spirited and predatory for no particular reason. And I had nothing at all to explain why this was happening. And of course it trended only downward from there regarding my peers, all the way to the end of high school.

At college I began to meet a few people who treated me with kindness and seemed more apt to accept me for who I was. Not all, but enough to lift my spirits from those earlier years.

I honestly don't know how I would have handled knowing it at that age. But as an adult, I can only tell you how rewarding it is to finally understand who and what I am. That my struggle to socialize has not been merely a random occurrence of cruelty and misunderstandings.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Personally I air on the side of telling them as soon as they are able to understand. Knowing you must be different but you have no idea why is maddening. It won't make the teasing and the negative thoughts any easier to deal with but it will at least give them some understanding of it all.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I didn't find out that young, so I don't know for sure what to say on the matter. I know finding out as a young adult it was very relieving, liberating even, to finally have words to put to why I was always so different from everyone else. I always knew I was. Personally, if you think he can handle the information then tell him. You know your son best and how he may or may not react to knowing. I know when my mom suggested it to me I was accepting at first, then in denial about it, and finally I've accepted it. So it was a bit of a rollercoaster with me, but I was also raised being told I was normal and just wasn't trying hard enough.

 

[Caelix3]

I think you should tell him. Not knowing and feeling different could be really difficult. Once he knows he might understand, why he has the difficulties he does.

 

[ksheehan88]

I've spent my entire life in misery because I couldn't understand why people didn't like me, why I was a target for bullies...

I'm 28 now, waiting to ask to be referred for assessment for AS... I'm convinced I'm an Aspie, and I feel, in hindsight, had I known this when I was young, at the very least I would know it wasn't my fault, I wasn't doing something wrong... and I wouldn't have spent the past 20 odd years wondering "whats wrong with me?"... always knowing it was something, but not being able to put my finger on it.

This is my experience of not knowing, I hope it helps.

 

[LittleLemon]

I plan on telling my daughter (6) as soon as she is old enough to understand. I think she has an idea she's different and I've tried explaining it to her, but she can't grasp it yet.

If I had known about myself, I think I wouldn't have had such a rough time growing up. I'm too embarrassed to show my face at high school reunions or to people I knew before the age of 20 because my behavior was so inappropriate and my public meltdowns were talked about all through the halls. I wish it could've been all avoided if I just knew that nothing was wrong with me.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

I don't know when the best time is, partly because nobody had any idea when I was a child, and partly because we're all different, and what would've been right for me might not be right for your son.
You could get him a book on the subject that's suitable for his age; I don't know of any myself as I'm not a child, but there must be something out there. But, unlike leaving a book about the birds and the bees on his bedside table for him to find, it might be better to broach the subject verbally first, so he knows what it's about and why you've given it to him.

 

[danxp]

thanks for all the replies... i really cherish everyone's insight...

i'm still really hung up on telling him and am worried he won't understand at all... my worst fear is that it'll backfire and he'll start getting depressed even further... i feel so fortunate that we have neighbors with similarly aged boys that get along with him for the most part but i'm always afraid he could be one meltdown/outburst away from pushing them away for an extended period...

so when i do ultimately tell him of his diagnosis i was thinking of saying, "congratulations, you have asperger's"... i heard someone mentioning this before and that certainly is an approach but i, myself, don't have all the answers that will be required for the barrage of questions my boy will have... can someone list any other positive aspects of the diagnosis? here are some that i can say is a certainly a quality of my little aspie...

- kind
- laser-like focus when interested
- above-average intelligence
- incredibly perceptive
- expert on topics he's interested in
- unique approach to problem solving
- innocent
- handsome (looks just like his dad )
- undying curiosity
- does not hold grudges
- sincere
- takes everything literally (a positive because it provides humor)

he's in the 4th grade now and i'm thinking of telling him next summer after the school year ends...

his mental/emotional age is probably still 1st or 2nd grade... maybe i should wait even longer.

 

[Kari Suttle]

thanks for all the replies... i really cherish everyone's insight...

i'm still really hung up on telling him and am worried he won't understand at all... my worst fear is that it'll backfire and he'll start getting depressed even further... i feel so fortunate that we have neighbors with similarly aged boys that get along with him for the most part but i'm always afraid he could be one meltdown/outburst away from pushing them away for an extended period...

so when i do ultimately tell him of his diagnosis i was thinking of saying, "congratulations, you have asperger's"... i heard someone mentioning this before and that certainly is an approach but i, myself, don't have all the answers that will be required for the barrage of questions my boy will have... can someone list any other positive aspects of the diagnosis? here are some that i can say is a certainly a quality of my little aspie...

- kind
- laser-like focus when interested
- above-average intelligence
- incredibly perceptive
- expert on topics he's interested in
- unique approach to problem solving
- innocent
- handsome (looks just like his dad )
- undying curiosity
- does not hold grudges
- sincere
- takes everything literally (a positive because it provides humor)

he's in the 4th grade now and i'm thinking of telling him next summer after the school year ends...

his mental/emotional age is probably still 1st or 2nd grade... maybe i should wait even longer.

I second the intense focus and perceptiveness - and add great memory. That's been nothing but useful for me. I'm very good at remembering bits of information be it for work cause I have to or for something i'm interested in. Personal examples of my perceptiveness/focus - At work I've noticed things other people missed quite often. Once at work I noticed a lost child who was too scared to ask for help. Once i noticed a customer that seemed out of place and told security about it.

Another prominent aspie positive is obedience to rules and being punctual. This is good in the work world because i'm obedient and do what i'm told to do when I'm told to do it and i'm always on time. Perhaps this has something to do with the aspie preference for routine? Idk.

Idk if this is an aspie quality per say but ive seen other aspies post it iften - i don't judge people. I try to be very open and accepting of people whether i understand them or not because i know what its like to be judged. I try to always be nice and patient with people. I should also add 'sincere/trustworthy friend' to the list - for example, if a friend wanted me to keep something between just us, i always made sure to do just that.

If your concerned of not being able to answer all of his questions, maybe look up some stuff for him online to look at or order a book for him or the like. So he can have another source of information to go to with his questions. This is also in hopes that reading them might help him see the qualities in himself and slowly accept it better. That's how i came to accept it - lots and lots of research.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

Yes, does he notice things other people miss? Also, although it may not show at the moment as he's so young, he may have a good long-term memory. I've got a reputation on my old school site on F/B for having a "superb memory". Short-term memory's another matter; when I'm in my Bible study group and the vicar gives us 2 or 3 Bible passages to look up, I always have to ask him to repeat them (2 or 3 is quite a list when you factor in the book of the Bible, chapter and verse, it all adds up!); but ask me a teacher's name from 40 years ago, and I'll probably be able to tell you! Your son could be a fount of such information in years to come!