When to tell someone that something is bothering you?

[Arashi222]

I was wondering how many of us have trouble with deciding when its ok to tell people something they did or are doing is bothering us. I find I have less trouble telling people here and my friends on here I am having an issue but 'normal' people I struggle with telling them when something they did bugged me. Like today. I made plans to hang out with one of my newer friends the ones I've been seeing a lot of lately we hang out at least once a week if we can. Which is fine. I like that...but today she called at noon and told me that it would be better for her if we hung out at 2pm instead of 1pm. I told her it was fine but inside I was freaking out and am all ugh my plans are all shifted and I don't like it and I don't want to tell her that I just said it was fine because I was afraid of her reaction, which she has been great about everything so much more than other people about my AS. But when do you decide its ok to tell someone that something is bugging you because this isn't the only thing that is bugging me. I also told her that once you start something with me you can't just stop. We have been Roleplaying one of my characters from my stories one of my dolls represents because that character kinda got a bit detached from me during this whole thing with my ex-friends anyway...so she has not kinda stopped Roleplaying with me and I told her it was still her turn. I tried to be nice and gentle about it but now its really starting to annoy and bug me a lot and I don't know what to do about it and I don't want to ruin this friendship like i did with the other just because I have AS. I need help...

 

[Soup]

If her changing plans is a rare thing, I'd grit my teeth & let it go. After all, sometimes life just gets in the way & can throw plans way off course. If she does this kind of thing often, gently talking to her about it is reasonable. After all, most places that take appointments have a 24 hour cancellation policy & you can't always put your life on hold for someone else.

As far as the role-playing thing goes, could it be that she was unclear on what she was supposed to do & say? As far as it being 'still her turn', maybe she really wasn't sure what she was supposed to say. I know I screw stuff like that up badly.

When you say that you told her that 'once you start something with me you can't stop', what exactly were you referring to? Beginning a role-playing game? Deciding when to stop playing? I'm not sure I understand. In the complex dance of friendship (as in marriage) sometimes you may have to compromise in ways that are uncomfortable for you. So long as you aren't always the only one making compromises & that the entire friendship isn't based on dissatisfaction & compromise, it's to be expected.

If she is indeed a friend & you seem to get along fairly well with her (from what I know of you, you seem to be a friendly likeable person) she ought to be receptive to your sincere concerns. Especially if you express them in a non-confrontational way & are clear about what you'd like to see happen.

 

[Bay]

I agree with Soup, Arashi. I would add that we Aspies should try to abide by the Golden Rule, if we wish others to do so for us. If there were to be an occasion when you had to shift your plans for some reason (perhaps your ride cancelled or something) you would hope that a friend would be accepting. Soup is right about habitual offenders though. It may be worthwhile to gently speak up.

 

[Arashi222]

If her changing plans is a rare thing, I'd grit my teeth & let it go. After all, sometimes life just gets in the way & can throw plans way off course. If she does this kind of thing often, gently talking to her about it is reasonable. After all, most places that take appointments have a 24 hour cancellation policy & you can't always put your life on hold for someone else.

As far as the role-playing thing goes, could it be that she was unclear on what she was supposed to do & say? As far as it being 'still her turn', maybe she really wasn't sure what she was supposed to say. I know I screw stuff like that up badly.

When you say that you told her that 'once you start something with me you can't stop', what exactly were you referring to? Beginning a role-playing game? Deciding when to stop playing? I'm not sure I understand. In the complex dance of friendship (as in marriage) sometimes you may have to compromise in ways that are uncomfortable for you. So long as you aren't always the only one making compromises & that the entire friendship isn't based on dissatisfaction & compromise, it's to be expected.

If she is indeed a friend & you seem to get along fairly well with her (from what I know of you, you seem to be a friendly likeable person) she ought to be receptive to your sincere concerns. Especially if you express them in a non-confrontational way & are clear about what you'd like to see happen.

It is a rare thing. Its just that it bugs me a lot. I tend to get very frazzled when things change that unexpectedly. Its hard to readjust and I tend to be a bit on the frosty side then.

As to the role-playing thing Its her turn we take turns if we are Pm'ing each other or if IM its easier but while we are doing it via Pm its a back and forth kind of thing and its still her turn to reply back to me. I know she has ADHD so I I usually have to remind her but I've now reminded her like four times that its still her turn.

See once you start something with me I expect it to continue until it is decided in words that we are no longer going to (insert blank) whatever it was. I tend to need the stability. It throws my schedule off if someone doesn't do what they said they were going to do. I am a very friendly and often overly senstive nice person but I don't want to ruin this friendship by telling her that she's drivinging me nuts by doing that...especially since I shoudl be ab it more understanding but I can't I need for things to stay the same. It seriously messes with me if they aren't I just don't know how to be like look this is driving me crazy. And today we had a nice time but I am still holding on to the fact that she called to move the time and the RP thing has been eating at me for a while.

Thanks for your support though.