What to do if your stuck with someone who does not understand you?

[matt000333]

I'm Matt 29 years old be 30 later this year. Right now I'm stuck living with my grandma and she is really crabby nowadays she is going to be 73 in December. She gets mad at me alot about things I say that really do not have any ill intent but she takes it so persona.l I try to be somewhat more mindful but I think root of problem is she knows I have Aspergers but has not bothered to know much about it or just accept my quirks. Best thing I can think to do after talking with my therapist is be gone more. Which I can do somewhat but that is hard to do as well because I do not have alot of friends and no car live in a very small town of just over a thousand people anyway's anyone else have this problem?

 

[Fino]

I have always had this problem with my entire family.

What to do?

Avoid interaction? I agree with be gone more.

Learn to pity them?

Subtly try to teach them?

I don't know, it seems my general plan has just been to suffer.

Suffering is good for the soul...? Or something? Is that a saying?

I wanted to comment because I identify, but I don't know if I have anything useful to say, which resulted in this rambling.

Just think, "It's okay, she's really old," and ignore her?

 

[Graphin]

Yes I do have this problem - and am stuck to live like that for now.

 

[Tom]

Growing up we had a live-in Grandma on and off. It doesn't always work, but the best answer I can think of is rather then focus on how she sees/treats you is focus on how you see/treat her. Older people can tend to be pushed aside and ignored in life in general. This is frustrating because inside they are the same vibrant persons they always were. I am not saying you are treating them badly. I have no idea what you do. But if there is room for improvement in how you interact and treat them (as a unique and valuable person) it may have positive results in how they treat you. Maybe it won't 'fix' things but sometimes a small improvement helps you get by.

 

[onlything]

Hey, Matt, welcome!

Hm, that's quite a question since old people tend to be rather set in their ways. I used to bring wildflowers and put them in a small vase/glass for mine - she quite enjoyed it, but then every person is different.

Overall, old people tend to be ignored or thrown away like yesterday's garbage. They can turn rather bitter due to this and act out on their frustration in (passive-)aggressive ways. Then, others are just jerks.

I'm not exactly sure what is your relationship with your grandma, so I don't know what advice to give. However, you can analyse it on your own if you don't feel like sharing more - how is she treating you? what could be the reasons? could it be your behaviour? could be the behaviour of others? could she feel lonely and try to get any attention possible? could she just be negative and set in her ways?

You can try to connect with her and make your relationship better by doing little things for her or finding time to speak to her(when you could also try to explain your point of view and problems you face) - just make sure not to get used. Otherwise, the only thing I can think of is the avoidance of the problem.

 

[matt000333]

Thanks for the replies I have tried talking to her calmly and explaining things but most of the time it goes nowhere. Occasionally things will be better for a short while If I get really upset she will apologize but it's just to keep the peace not anything that would change things for better going forward. We have lived together for at least 8 years but not always full time.

For example she has a bf who does not live with her and she used to make me find other places to stay so he could visit for the weekend. I know i'm not perfect but alot of our problems is just me joking around really just being myself and she takes it the wrong way because she knows little to nothing about my Asperger's. Even though she has know about it for 8 years and she is definitely not passive aggressive she is very aggressive with everyone like an enjoyment if someone pisses her off which is often easy to do even unknowingly.

I try to look out for her I think she is somewhat more irritable due to her teeth. They are bad she finally get her tax check to fix it but has yet to make the appointment to go get it fixed. She got mad at me for reminding her when i'm just looking out for her so i'm done with it now but kinda crazy to me if you have money and health issue why wait to get it fixed. Anyway hope that gives you some more info on what i'm dealing with. Lastly she may also resent me because I had failing out with my mom due to past mental health issues and she no longer speaks to me or my grandma have not had relationship with her since 2011.

 

[Fino]

From that, all I can think of is to stop joking around with her, but other than that, good luck...

 

[onlything]

Sounds like someone I would just cut off from my life...

Since she doesn't seem to want it, don't joke around and don't look out for her is my only suggestion. Some people are just not worth it.

 

[matt000333]

I wish it was that easy I live with her due to finances. I'm waiting on SSI have had trouble keeping a job long enough to support myself. I do agree though that If I ever get SSI I need to move I would not want to completely cut her out of my life she has been there for me through some hard times in her own way. Just seems things nowadays are not like they used to be but I will try to get out of the house more when possible. I should get SSI Finally they botched it pretty bad last time the judge. My lawyer even managed to catch the Vocational expert on something he said and used it against him and he got mad my other lawyers never did that good for me it was best one I have had yet. I'm in federal court currently on it Lawyer thinks just keep fighting it and we will win probably with remand back to court.