What to do about this man?

[Aspychata]

Yuck. I understand how this is weirdness to the twilight zone. Alot of people are wounded, it's not the best place to hunt for your next girlfriend at support groups. You should date a couple years before you marry, so you know who the person is. But l think if you can state your boundaries, then try another meeting. If you can't be strong right now in standing up to this individual then don't go back. Let the person know who runs group and go back in a month. If in a month, he still harasses you, either stand up to him, report him to organization and decide what to do next. To me, he sounds controlling, and that is disturbing, because he mapped out all your options, told you living with mom and dad is bad, trying to isolate you from family, this all bad signs. Good luck. Think boundaries. You sound extremely intelligent and sincere from your posts. ☺

 

[Primrose]

Yuck. I understand how this is weirdness to the twilight zone. Alot of people are wounded, it's not the best place to hunt for your next girlfriend at support groups. You should date a couple years before you marry, so you know who the person is. But l think if you can state your boundaries, then try another meeting. If you can't be strong right now in standing up to this individual then don't go back. Let the person know who runs group and go back in a month. If in a month, he still harasses you, either stand up to him, report him to organization and decide what to do next. To me, he sounds controlling, and that is disturbing, because he mapped out all your options, told you living with mom and dad is bad, trying to isolate you from family, this all bad signs. Good luck. Think boundaries. You sound extremely intelligent and sincere from your posts. ☺

Thank you, that is kind. I am sincerely at those meetings for healing and recovery. I do need to work on establishing firmer boundaries with people.
I see several red flags in the man's behaviour. Hopefully I am able to communicate this clearly and calmly to the group leader. I also hope they will believe me.

 

[Suzette]

I made it as clear as I could that I'm not interested in him. He seemed to think I'm desperate for somewhere to live. He pointed out my parents won't be around forever and I need to find somewhere to live. He advised me it's not healthy to live with my parents.
At the last meeting I tried to avoid him but he kept looking at me and trying to talk. It was stressful. I might be able to find a different meeting to attend.

Please do find a different meeting if you can.
This man is a predator type and he is prodding you for weaknesses to exploit. A big red flag is telling you that living with your parents is not "healthy". That is exactly what predators do, they try to make you feel vulnerable and unable to make your own desicions.
Please tell the group organizer about this man and find a new group too!

 

[Aspychata]

@Primrose
If the group leader doesn't acknowledge this then the leader isn't following your boundaries which defeats the whole purpose of the therapy group. Now this individual may already have some complaints about him already. He may have been kicked out of some groups previously.

So this is a good exercise for you to stand up for you. But l have complained about this stuff for years and woman are marginalized in society when we complain about this. So separating your emotions from the task is hard but you will get better at it. The more you state your boundaries , the more healthier you become. This however doesn't mean people will treat woman better ,(l wish). It just means you are quicker and faster to assimilate situations of manipulative behaviors including unwanted male attention, pushy sales people, obnoxious strangers, and so on which we encounter in all walks of life at any age. I have faith in you. You are walking on a healthier path because you saw the red flags, (manipulative behavior).

 

[Judge]

This sounds too much like someone attempting to take advantage of you when you need support the most. Yes, you need to distance yourself from this person, who sounds more like a predator than any friend or confidant.

I'd think any kind and decent person would not do such a thing considering your circumstances. When I broke up with my alcoholic girlfriend the last thing I would have contemplated was to jump into a relationship with much of anyone.

 

[Martha Ferris]

I made it as clear as I could that I'm not interested in him. He seemed to think I'm desperate for somewhere to live. He pointed out my parents won't be around forever and I need to find somewhere to live. He advised me it's not healthy to live with my parents.
At the last meeting I tried to avoid him but he kept looking at me and trying to talk. It was stressful. I might be able to find a different meeting to attend.

If he is making you uncomfortable then you need to take it to the one in charge. There must be some rules to these meetings and I can't imagine that this kind of behavior is acceptable. TAlso tell him to his face that you are not interested in his attention and want him to leave you alone. Yes, it is uncomforatble to do but it needs to be done to establish boundaries and set a standard in case further action is necessary. It is up to you to decide and enforce your boundaries not anyone else. Other people can be called in to assist when those boundaries are not respected.

 

[rse92]

Yes, it would be best to stay away from that meeting, and any others in the same area, of which he may, also, potentially, attend.

I have heard there are predators who attend support groups, for the sole purpose of preying on people who are, or, appear to be vulnerable.

Look for the same type of meetings, in another city/area if possible.

I'm thinking its unlikely that a predator would be so forward early on. A predator would ingratiate himself and make sure his target was comfortable with him before he says something which might scare her off. This guy is lonely and socially inept.

I attend support groups but am very circumspect in what I tell the group and certainly do not confide in anyone. Same with group therapy (which turned my life around). I don't think it is a good idea to go to support group to look for IRL friends, but that just me.

 

[ForestGumpett]

That is called Stalking, you do need to report him asap. He will do this to other women and apparently has before. He’s preying on women that are at their lowest - he’s a creep!

For me, I’d stop being friendly at all and avoiding him at all cost. He’s bad news and you are not the first one he has run off. The leaders of that group needs to get him out of there and they may not know this is going on. You are a victim, AA should be a safe place and it’s not as long as he is there.

 

[Primrose]

I attend support groups but am very circumspect in what I tell the group and certainly do not confide in anyone. Same with group therapy (which turned my life around). I don't think it is a good idea to go to support group to look for IRL friends, but that just me.

I didn't go there to make friends. The man asked me a few personal questions after the meetings and I answered. I regret this but it's done.

I attended meetings before Covid and found them very helpful. There were no issues. I now live in a different location. I'm quite new to this group.

 

[Primrose]

I just talked to the organiser of the group. She is concerned. There were issues with the man in the past, especially pushing religious material on people. He was already warned about this. I think he is going to be removed from the group. She is going to call me back and let me know. Also, she assured me I had done nothing wrong. I feel relieved.

 

[Tom]

 

[Magna]

Put me in the camp of suggesting that you don't go to the meetings at that location any longer. You have no idea whether he's just pushy but otherwise harmless or if like others have said, he could be a predator. Based on his behavior and creepiness he's past the stage of you establishing firm boundaries and then being able to be friends with the guy.

It's certainly not wrong to establish very firm boundaries and being a man, I can say it's often very helpful to be able to best understand where a woman is coming from rather than wondering.

Example from my younger days. I was dating a young woman who had a best friend/roommate (female). The three of us would hang out fairly often. There were a few times where my GF's friend and I would hang out together just the two of us (e.g. at their apartment, etc). From what I recall it was more "out of the blue", but my GF's friend said something very direct to me to the effect of: "I want you to know that we'll never get together romantically, you and I. I wouldn't do that to my best friend and even if she wasn't my best friend, you're not my type. I just wanted you to know that." It was "out of the blue" because I never hit on her or anything like that. She and I developed a very good friendship which continued strictly as friends even after my GF and I broke up. Her being direct with me like that helped by creating a solid friendship foundation and I never had to wonder if it would or could develop into anything more.

 

[Judge]

I just talked to the organiser of the group. She is concerned. There were issues with the man in the past, especially pushing religious material on people. He was already warned about this. I think he is going to be removed from the group. She is going to call me back and let me know. Also, she assured me I had done nothing wrong. I feel relieved.

Definitely someone with an agenda of some kind. Hope they throw him out, so you can focus on whatever entities Al-Anon can do for you.

I chose not to give them a try, though in hindsight it may have been a mistake on my part. At the time I just wanted to put that particular relationship behind me trying not to think about it at all.

 

[Varzar]

I just talked to the organiser of the group. She is concerned. There were issues with the man in the past, especially pushing religious material on people. He was already warned about this. I think he is going to be removed from the group. She is going to call me back and let me know. Also, she assured me I had done nothing wrong. I feel relieved.

I like that you stood up for yourself instead of just going to another location.
I see this as a fight/flight situation. Fight by pushing back against the guy acting inappropriately, or flee to another location. I don't see any reason why you should need to inconvenience yourself to go somewhere else, so I see going somewhere else to be a last resort if fighting (through the group organizer) fails to yield an acceptable result.
It's usually harder to stand up and fight for yourself than to just go somewhere else, so.. Yeah. No matter how it turns out, good for you for having that strength!

 

[Suzette]

I'm thinking its unlikely that a predator would be so forward early on. A predator would ingratiate himself and make sure his target was comfortable with him before he says something which might scare her off. This guy is lonely and socially inept.

I attend support groups but am very circumspect in what I tell the group and certainly do not confide in anyone. Same with group therapy (which turned my life around). I don't think it is a good idea to go to support group to look for IRL friends, but that just me.

No, not at all. Some predetors will groom of course. But many are impatient and just seek out the vulnerable. The more vulnerable the better so testing to see who reacts to his supposed authority is just another tactic to get what he wants.
If he is "socially inept" it is a good lesson for him to learn that he is scaring others.

 

[Aspychata]

Omg Happy Ending. Just be careful in the parking lot. Even though they won't say it's you, he obviously will figure it out. Maybe have your cell phone in your hand. Good to be careful as a female, especially in parking lots.

And treat yourself to something, a hot bath, a special treat. Reward yourself for speaking up.

I went to IRS appt yesterday and had a cupcake and other fattening things. Lol

 

[Primrose]

Omg Happy Ending. Just be careful in the parking lot. Even though they won't say it's you, he obviously will figure it out. Maybe have your cell phone in your hand. Good to be careful as a female, especially in parking lots.

And treat yourself to something, a hot bath, a special treat. Reward yourself for speaking up.

I went to IRS appt yesterday and had a cupcake and other fattening things. Lol

Yes, I am slightly concerned about this. He can easily find me, he knows the area I live in. I guess I'll have to watch out.

That's a good idea, I will have a bath later

 

[1ForAll]

Yes, I am slightly concerned about this. He can easily find me, he knows the area I live in. I guess I'll have to watch out.

That's a good idea, I will have a bath later

You did the right thing. The more you talk to, see, contact these type of persons, the worse they become, as they sense weakness, neediness, etc. If you did nothing, they could have harassed and took advantage of more there, until someone came forward to give similar details you gave. So, if he is banned, look at it that you not only saved yourself from worse, but others as well there. It's very unlikely he'd bother you again, as those preying persons usually will just find more perceived weaker persons to go after. He'd know you were stronger now for not putting up with any more.

 

[Au Naturel]

I started going to support group meetings to help with recovery from my alcoholic ex. There is a man in his 60s (I'm 37) at these meetings who was friendly towards me. I told him about some of my difficulties since the break up - moving back to parents, no job and health issues. He asked me a lot of questions. Suddenly, he suggested I move in with him and get married. I felt shocked by all this, we don't know each other at all.

Now I don't feel comfortable going back to the meetings. My future does look very uncertain but I don't want to be with this man. I also feel I've told him too much about myself. Is it best to stay away from him and the meetings?

Just firmly say "No." to him. May need to repeat. Tell whoever is running the meeting about his problematic behavior. If it continues, stop going. Find another support group.

I wouldn't hate on him. He obviously has problems. That sounds like something an autistic guy might do. Many autistic people do not understand personal boundaries. Its one of those things most people learn socially through osmosis.

I'm a big fan of pepper spray.

 

[Primrose]

Just firmly say "No." to him. May need to repeat. Tell whoever is running the meeting about his problematic behavior. If it continues, stop going. Find another support group.

I wouldn't hate on him. He obviously has problems. That sounds like something an autistic guy might do. Many autistic people do not understand personal boundaries. Its one of those things most people learn socially through osmosis.

I'm a big fan of pepper spray.

Thank you. I talked to the organiser of the meetings and I think it's sorted.