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What to do about this man?

Primrose

Primrose

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I started going to support group meetings to help with recovery from my alcoholic ex. There is a man in his 60s (I'm 37) at these meetings who was friendly towards me. I told him about some of my difficulties since the break up - moving back to parents, no job and health issues. He asked me a lot of questions. Suddenly, he suggested I move in with him and get married. I felt shocked by all this, we don't know each other at all.

Now I don't feel comfortable going back to the meetings. My future does look very uncertain but I don't want to be with this man. I also feel I've told him too much about myself. Is it best to stay away from him and the meetings?
 
Wow...you certainly have an effect on people ;)

I can understand why you'd feel uncomfortable going back. Just because he suggests you move in with him and get married doesn't mean in any way you have to do so. You may have told him what you now feel to be too much about yourself, but you don't have to tell him any more, and when he asks you if you've thought about his proposal, you can just politely decline.

Is there someone else at the meeting you trust that you might mention this to? Perhaps the one who runs the meeting?
 
I hope you made it clear to him that you are not interested. If those meetings help and unless that man gives you unwanted attention, attend.

Why would somebody ask that of a person they just met? I sense desperation by somebody who has entered that time of life where they are invisible to the opposite sex.
 
SimonSays said:
Wow...you certainly have an effect on people ;)

I can understand why you'd feel uncomfortable going back. Just because he suggests you move in with him and get married doesn't mean in any way you have to do so. You may have told him what you now feel to be too much about yourself, but you don't have to tell him any more, and when he asks you if you've thought about his proposal, you can just politely decline.

Is there someone else at the meeting you trust that you might mention this to? Perhaps the one who runs the meeting?
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Yes, I could try to talk to the one who runs the meeting. I was afraid of causing a fuss or embarrassing the man. I'm only going to the meetings for a couple of months. I think he is going for years.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
I hope you made it clear to him that you are not interested. If those meetings help and unless that man gives you unwanted attention, attend.

Why would somebody ask that of a person they just met? I sense desperation by somebody who has entered that time of life where they are invisible to the opposite sex.
Click to expand...

I made it as clear as I could that I'm not interested in him. He seemed to think I'm desperate for somewhere to live. He pointed out my parents won't be around forever and I need to find somewhere to live. He advised me it's not healthy to live with my parents.
At the last meeting I tried to avoid him but he kept looking at me and trying to talk. It was stressful. I might be able to find a different meeting to attend.
 
Primrose said:
I was afraid of causing a fuss or embarrassing the man. I'm only going to the meetings for a couple of months.
Click to expand...
Don't be afraid of that. You're not causing a fuss and there doesn't have to be embarrassment. That man may have asked several people before you the same question. You may not need to say anything about it, other than to politely decline should that man bring up the subject again. If he doesn't accept your answer and you feel affected by that, then mentioning it to the one who runs the meeting is not causing a fuss. It may be that someone just needs to have a little word with that man so he understands where he stands with you.

Perhaps he misunderstood your openness as being interested in him, but to suggest you move in with him and get married kind of implies he's not really seeing things clearly.
 
Yes, it would probably be best to stay away from that meeting (based on all that you have mentioned), and any other meetings in the same area, of which he may, also, potentially, attend.

I have heard there are those who attend support groups, for the sole purpose of preying on people who are, or, appear to be vulnerable.

Look for the same type of meetings in another city/area if possible.
 
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SimonSays said:
Don't be afraid of that. You're not causing a fuss and there doesn't have to be embarrassment. That man may have asked several people before you the same question. You may not need to say anything about it, other than to politely decline should that man bring up the subject again. If he doesn't accept your answer and you feel affected by that, then mentioning it to the one who runs the meeting is not causing a fuss. It may be that someone just needs to have a little word with that man so he understands where he stands with you.

Perhaps he misunderstood your openness as being interested in him, but to suggest you move in with him and get married kind of implies he's not really seeing things clearly.
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Yes, I think I better let them know about his behaviour.

Also, he told me about some material I should read. The next time he seemed slightly angry when I told him I hadn't read it yet. This made me uncomfortable too. I thought he was too pushy.
 
Loren said:
Yes, it would be best to stay away from that meeting, and any others in the same area, of which he may, also, potentially, attend.

I have heard there are predators who attend support groups, for the sole purpose of preying on people who are, or, appear to be vulnerable.

Look for the same type of meetings, in another city/area if possible.
Click to expand...

Yes, my friend said the same. That he might be there just to prey on vulnerable people. I feel I've already told him too much and it's best to not go back to that meeting.
 
Would shock me too and like you, would deeply regret revealing so much about myself. But, reading on the outside, so to speak, he could view it as just a simple way to give you relief, but in truth, does seem a bit much to offer that to a much younger woman, so he must have another motive and so, unless you are able to say to him that you are not interested, then it is best to stay away for a while and he ought to get the answer from that.
 
Yeshuasdaughter said:
Oh honey, he's just crazy. Maybe on drugs. I'm sure it was flattering though. Stay away from him. Maybe go to meetings at a different location, or to woman only meetings.

When I've gone, several years ago, I always preferred the women only meetings to the coed ones. So many people use them as a dating service.
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It wasn't really flattering, just shocking. I do think he has issues.

Yes, I will look for a different meeting. I don't have a car and will spend a lot on public transport / taxis to get to different meetings but it's better than the stress of meeting that man again.
 
Whether you stay with that meeting or not, speak up: the man who is pursueing you needs to be known to the leader of the group.
He is in pursuit in an environment which is supposed to be about safely sharing, not creepy dating let alone marrying.
 
watersprite said:
Whether you stay with that meeting or not, speak up: the man who is pursueing you needs to be known to the leader of the group.
He is in pursuit in an environment which is supposed to be about safely sharing, not creepy dating let alone marrying.
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Yes, I'm going to let them know.
 
Also the material he wanted me to read was some weird religious stuff. I don't really know if he should be pushing that on people in the group. I might let them know about that to.
 
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. I would advise staying away from him and that group. I don’t see a healthy path forward where you could keep attending the group without worrying about him the whole time you were there. You definitely should mention his behavior to the group leader. Unless they can somehow remove him from the group, I think you should look for another one.
 
Primrose said:
I made it as clear as I could that I'm not interested in him. He seemed to think I'm desperate for somewhere to live. He pointed out my parents won't be around forever and I need to find somewhere to live. He advised me it's not healthy to live with my parents.
At the last meeting I tried to avoid him but he kept looking at me and trying to talk. It was stressful. I might be able to find a different meeting to attend.
Click to expand...
It sounds like you need to find a different meeting when he can't take a hint. Creepy.
 
Primrose said:
Also the material he wanted me to read was some weird religious stuff. I don't really know if he should be pushing that on people in the group. I might let them know about that to.
Click to expand...
To me, that is as offensive as his other actions. I equate religion with moral failings. He needs to keep his thoughts, his religion, to himself.
 
@Primrose

You shouldn't have to find a different meeting if you like this one. Once you speak to the group leader, that should be the end of it. He'll have a word with him, and if he says anything to you again, you speak to the leader again. It will stop. Please don't let him make you leave without first doing this. It will empower you to raise it with the group leader and see something be done about it. If not just for you, for the benefit of others.
 
SimonSays said:
@Primrose

You shouldn't have to find a different meeting if you like this one. Once you speak to the group leader, that should be the end of it. He'll have a word with him, and if he says anything to you again, you speak to the leader again. It will stop. Please don't let him make you leave without first doing this. It will empower you to raise it with the group leader and see something be done about it. If not just for you, for the benefit of others.
Click to expand...

I am going to contact them and I'll see how they respond.
 
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