A NOTE: Copy/pasted from one of Vinca's links.
1. ‘Well, we all feel like you do, overwhelmed in social or noisy situations.’
Yes, I have no doubt that you do. I honestly believe most social situations can be quite challenging and scary for all of us, ASD or NT. However, for someone with Asperger’s Syndrome, the intensity is
magnified an awful lot. So imagine that you, as an NT already find those situations overwhelming, and now can you imagine how we experience them? We experience them so much more strongly, and this causes our anxiety to go
through the roof, and our social energy tanks to be depleted in no time.
2. ‘Maybe if you weren’t so emotional and all over the place all the time…have you tried being more consistent?’
Yes, we have. No, it is not possible. Female Aspies have very black and white minds, and it’s very often a matter of giving it our all, or giving it nothing at all. This can come across to others that we’re being either extremely fierce, defensive, or even as a ‘know it all.’ On top of that we deal with
delayed emotional processing, which means we might still be feeling things from situations that were a long time ago. This can cause us to react in a very strong way, and very unexpectedly too.
We are not overly emotional, we just process emotions at a much slower rate. Nor are we inconsistent in our ways, we act when we can define these emotions. When we do show these emotions, whether you understand them or not, please be kind and understanding, and help us place the feelings we have
by validating them.
3. ‘Maybe you just need to go out more.’
I cannot even begin to count the amount of times I have heard this. If we could do that, we would.
But the world is an incredibly overwhelming place for us. Imagine experiencing everything a thousand times as strong, and how that would exhaust you? On top of that, we often feel very confused as how to react in certain social situations, and this too exhausts us. Sometimes, even deciding to go out can empty our
social energy tank* entirely.
4. ‘Can’t you try harder, and challenge yourself?’
Yes, we could. But then we would face a burn out or depression very very quickly. By pushing ourselves into situations that make us anxious and uncomfortable, we drain our social energy tank very quickly. We can push further, but that will exhaust us to an extent that will definetly lead to shutdowns or meltdowns. You help us a lot more by taking us out one on one, to a place we like and for a scheduled period of time, than to force us to do things that will make us feel very anxious.
5. ‘Maybe you should try…you know…to wear different clothes? Or try make up?’
Most Aspie females are quite specific about their clothing. We don’t dress to the occasion, we dress to what feels nice and comfortable. Dressing for the occasion is very difficult for us, because we often do not understand why we should wear clothes that make us feel uncomfortable. Most of the time we don’t understand why clothing can indicate a position, or status, and we might feel dressing to the occasion also means playing the part that goes with the occasion. This is incredibly exhausting and overwhelming for the female Aspie.
6. ‘Oh, Asperger’s? Yeah, I know all about that. I know someone with Asperger’s.’
Wonderful! The more you know about it, the better it is!! But like with NT’s, Aspies are individuals, and each have their own habits, routines, structures and quirks. We react differently, to different situations. So rather then immediately judging us as ‘all the same’, do take the time to get to know us. We might surprise you.
‘Just as each neurotypical person is very different with different talents and gifts, each person with Asperger’s Syndrome is as different as any other person with Asperger’s Syndrome.’ Olivia Goudreault
7. ‘Can’t you just let go, for this once? Just you know…be human a bit and enjoy the party?’
No, we can not. We have very strict routine, and structures, and it takes a great deal to step out of those routines. When we do, this is a massive change for us, and no matter how hard you will try to make us feel relaxed, there will always be a level of anxiety within us. Let me illustrate this with an example…
Last week I finally went for a drink with my fellow students. What was very fun for them, turned out to be very stressful for me. I kept asking myself all sorts of questions such as ‘what should I say, how, and when should I say it?’ When is it acceptable to leave?’ ‘This lady is looking at me, I don’t understand it, am I doing something wrong?’ ‘Will I be home in time for my 12 o’clock lunch?’. Even though I enjoyed the company of my friends, the scenario was entirely new to me, and to compensate I have all these why and what if questions in my head. This is why it is incredibly hard for us to let our hair down, so to speak.
8. ‘Well, since you’re so quiet, i’ll just leave you alone then.’
Female Aspies do not deal well with
passive aggressiveness. The reason for this is that passive agressiveness is really a message, that has a secondary hidden message in it. Due to our literal minds, we don’t always grasp this, and would much rather have you be honest with is.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
9. ‘You know, you would understand people more if you tried being a bit more empathetic.’
Female Aspies are incredibly empathetic. We just can’t translate it as verbally as NT’s can. We feel very deeply, and extremely intensively, and will show it
in our own way. If you want us to understand people better, please take your time and explain your habits to us, and explain why you do the things the way you do them. We often feel like aliens on a strange planet, and help with understanding is always greatly appreciated. By explaining us your habits, you will see how empathetic we really are, and how intensively and beautifully we can perceive things.
10. ‘But you look so normal.’
I’m sorry, I didn’t know there was a dress-code for Asperger’s Syndrome. I must have missed that when I got the invitation to the Aspie Party. Be very aware that most
female Aspies have a strong shapeshifting ability. This allows them to act ‘normal’ for a short period of time, although it is very draining to them. Spend a little longer with them, and you will automaticaly notice our little quirks and ways.
Asperger’s Syndrome does not have a face, nor a dress style, or a unified way of acting. It’s something unique to us all, and well worth discovering.
*’Social energy’ and ‘social energy tank’ are phrases from the eBook, ‘
The Visual Guide to Social Energy.’ It’s well worth a read, particularly if you are new to the curly hair project/theories!
What do you think of our 10 things you shouldn’t say to the female Aspie? What would be number 11? Comment below!
