WHAT IS YOUR ONE BIG TURNOFF WHEN LOOKING FOR A PARTNER?

[0x5279616e]

My biggest turnoff would be a woman who lies and manipulates, whether it be planned or just her being selfish in the moment.

 

[giraffesec]

Looks wise I'm not fussed at all I don't like intolerance and judgement in a woman as just because I'm different and stutter at times I'm not stupid at all.
I love (yes sounds cliched) personality over looks. Looks fade but a great personality won't. Also I love highly intelligent women we are talking theoretical physicist type lol maybe red hair

 

[Balkan1996]

Being a 'snob' is certainly the biggest turn off.

Lack of intelligence isn't that much of a turn off, it's just that you know it's impossible to ever connect on a deeper level.

Lack of humor.

 

[NTgirl4276]

I don't vibe well with people who: talk a lot about money/pursue material wealth; rationalize their beliefs or actions by relying on arguments of "tradition" or "that's how I was raised"; or, are unable to see the multiple, varied sides of an argument.

EDIT: should clarify, my notes above about "tradition" are in no way directed to earlier posts about romance/dating behaviors. I mean to say that I don't vibe well with people who say things like, "I think interracial dating is wrong. It's just how I was raised." Or, "We need to go back to the times when everyone stayed married and had kids and lived in one house." The reason I am annoyed by these arguments is because 1) they are often used to "justify" the mistreatment or dismissal of certain groups of people; and 2) they sometimes signal an unwillingness to think for oneself/claim an argument as one's own.

 

[AsheSkyler]

"We need to go back to the times when everyone stayed married and had kids and lived in one house."

Aye, that can be pretty rude toward bad circumstances like an abusive mate or something. I can't blame a person from getting away from a mean or cruel or person. I think that phrase started out geared toward the more fickle minded who'd get married a few weeks after meeting and then divorce a year later because "they changed". Personally, I think a few divorces could be prevented if people dated/courted for a year or so before getting married. Because it's not that they changed, they were probably on their best behaviour to keep from scaring you off and then after some time passed they became comfortable with you enough to show all of their behaviour. If you're able to stay together a while, you get to make a more educated decision about staying with them.

And personally, I think living together a bit to see how responsible the other can be is a good idea, but most people were raised with that being taboo and say I'm bad for suggesting it.

 

[NTgirl4276]

Aye, that can be pretty rude toward bad circumstances like an abusive mate or something. I can't blame a person from getting away from a mean or cruel or person. I think that phrase started out geared toward the more fickle minded who'd get married a few weeks after meeting and then divorce a year later because "they changed". Personally, I think a few divorces could be prevented if people dated/courted for a year or so before getting married. Because it's not that they changed, they were probably on their best behaviour to keep from scaring you off and then after some time passed they became comfortable with you enough to show all of their behaviour. If you're able to stay together a while, you get to make a more educated decision about staying with them.

And personally, I think living together a bit to see how responsible the other can be is a good idea, but most people were raised with that being taboo and say I'm bad for suggesting it.

100% agree! Relationships and families come in all forms, shapes, and sizes!

 

[Maelstrom]

Aye, that can be pretty rude toward bad circumstances like an abusive mate or something. I can't blame a person from getting away from a mean or cruel or person. I think that phrase started out geared toward the more fickle minded who'd get married a few weeks after meeting and then divorce a year later because "they changed". Personally, I think a few divorces could be prevented if people dated/courted for a year or so before getting married. Because it's not that they changed, they were probably on their best behaviour to keep from scaring you off and then after some time passed they became comfortable with you enough to show all of their behaviour. If you're able to stay together a while, you get to make a more educated decision about staying with them.

And personally, I think living together a bit to see how responsible the other can be is a good idea, but most people were raised with that being taboo and say I'm bad for suggesting it.

Aye, that can be pretty rude toward bad circumstances like an abusive mate or something. I can't blame a person from getting away from a mean or cruel or person. I think that phrase started out geared toward the more fickle minded who'd get married a few weeks after meeting and then divorce a year later because "they changed". Personally, I think a few divorces could be prevented if people dated/courted for a year or so before getting married. Because it's not that they changed, they were probably on their best behaviour to keep from scaring you off and then after some time passed they became comfortable with you enough to show all of their behaviour. If you're able to stay together a while, you get to make a more educated decision about staying with them.

And personally, I think living together a bit to see how responsible the other can be is a good idea, but most people were raised with that being taboo and say I'm bad for suggesting it.

Mael: Hi Ash, hope my post doesn't offend, on the hiding who you are thing, I agree with you, no one wants to look bad, but if we are not going to show our true selves in dating and hide all our deal breakers from eachother, we may as well go back to arranged marriages, as we really have no idea what we are buying at the alter anyways.

On the living together thing starting with one foot out the door just makes it easier to chicken out and run. Learning to how to best express love, communicate effectively, negotiate and fight fairly, while still maintaining warmth and love in the midst of all the stresses takes effort and commitment. I feel after you reach a certain point in the getting to know love and trust eachother dating thing, you either choose to breakup and never see eachother again, or you both commit (all in) on working towards building a happy life together. (All in or walk.)

Having said that, I admit this stuff is scary, the temptation to pull back can be overwhelming.

 

[StephF]

Stupidity

 

[AsheSkyler]

Mael: Hi Ash, hope my post doesn't offend, on the hiding who you are thing, I agree with you, no one wants to look bad, but if we are not going to show our true selves in dating and hide all our deal breakers from eachother, we may as well go back to arranged marriages, as we really have no idea what we are buying at the alter anyways.

On the living together thing starting with one foot out the door just makes it easier to chicken out and run. Learning to how to best express love, communicate effectively, negotiate and fight fairly, while still maintaining warmth and love in the midst of all the stresses takes effort and commitment. I feel after you reach a certain point in the getting to know love and trust eachother dating thing, you either choose to breakup and never see eachother again, or you both commit (all in) on working towards building a happy life together. (All in or walk.)

Having said that, I admit this stuff is scary, the temptation to pull back can be overwhelming.

No offense taken.

I think most folks hide their bad traits at first because they feel they are too much to handle and need a person to get used to them rather than shock them all at once. I know I've certainly had to put people in quite a few relationships through a long testing process to figure out how much of me they can handle. Still haven't found somebody I can fully be myself around, not even my mom.

 

[Maelstrom]

No offense taken.

I think most folks hide their bad traits at first because they feel they are too much to handle and need a person to get used to them rather than shock them all at once. I know I've certainly had to put people in quite a few relationships through a long testing process to figure out how much of me they can handle. Still haven't found somebody I can fully be myself around, not even my mom.

Hi Ash you have a point one doesn't want to scare off someone who could be a good friend or spouse, but in the end the goal is true acceptance, you can't get that by hiding too long. Maybe how long you wait too tell them and how evasive you are, is the line between deception and tact.

Maybe I'm stupid I don't try to hide my differences, if they don't run screaming into the woods, I think hey maybe this ones worth some time, and start hauling out the sweetness...but what do I know still no wife.

 

[wyverary]

Im not entirely sure that my answer, as an aromantic asexual, could be considered legit in this context, but I would say, at least in a close friend...

Lack of vulnerability. I want to be able to confide in someone and in turn have them confide in me. Not everything, of course, but that door needs to be open. If you're dismissive of either my or your own emotions or feelings, we might be able to maintain a casual acquaintanceship, but I could never really call you a "friend."

EDIT: I actually have a rather strange addendum. I don't generally like people who conform to any end of the gender spectrum. I know that's hard to define, but I guess an overly-simplified way to say it would be that I don't much like it when someone is "too girly" or "too manly." "Feminine" or "Masculine" is fine, but...man, this is hard to put into words and I'm probably going to get into trouble for this one!

 

[AsheSkyler]

Hi Ash you have point one doesn't want to scare off someone who could be a good friend or spouse, but in the end the goal is true acceptance, you can't get that by hiding too long. Maybe how long you wait too tell them and how evasive you are, is the line between deception and tact.

Maybe I'm stupid I don't try to hide my differences, if they don't run screaming into the woods, I think hey maybe this ones worth some time, and start hauling out the sweetness...but what do I know still no wife.

Moderation and timing is the key.
I think I had my husband mostly broke in during the first three months we were dating. Some things, however, I haven't introduced him to until the past year. Most of it's gone well, some things I know to keep to myself and not get him involved. Not that they're bad things, they're just interests and hobbies he doesn't share. Not any different than his interest in really gross horror movies and my dislike of them. You don't have to be fully involved with your mate to have a good relationship.

 

[BlackWhiteFox]

Stupidity and being really clingy. I'm a pretty isolated person and so whenever I interact with people I need to 'recharge' after or else I get angry/stressed/mean. I sometimes like to go days without talking to someone and I hate it when people write me all the time and want to meet up. I only need to meet a partner 1-2 times a week.

 

[Maelstrom]

Stupidity and being really clingy. I'm a pretty isolated person and so whenever I interact with people I need to 'recharge' after or else I get angry/stressed/mean. I sometimes like to go days without talking to someone and I hate it when people write me all the time and want to meet up. I only need to meet a partner 1-2 times a week.

I see your point with the needing space thing, but for me it mostly applies to outsiders not family or loved ones whom I've grown used to. My first name means love or little milk pot in hebrew so maybe I'm a little clingy with any girlfriend I may had...I prefer to call it getting some cuddling and am fairly unrepentant on that point. But I did have to recharge some after dates some...for me it's just a fact of life...and I just tell her..this is something I need once in a while...it's not a big deal for me.

 

[Maelstrom]

Any kind of meanness is a huge turnoff.

Example: an Australian girl once tried to hit on me with a flirting technique that she called, "taking the p**s." (I'm not sure if that word is a swear in some countries.) It apparently involves insulting the person you like. I was completely horrified by the concept and got away as quickly as possible, also ignoring the Facebook friend request. I realize that there was an element of intercultural communication there, but my impaired ability to identify sarcasm makes this kind of behavior difficult for me to understand, even if it's intended as a joke. With any other approach, she would have had a chance. Demonstrating a capacity to laugh at what I would consider a form of bullying reduced her chances to zero.

Yeah! I know how you feel on that one had a smoking hot evil little thing doing that to me in highschool for all 4 years. Never did figure out if she really liked me or was short on sushi?

 

[Tia Maria]

Any kind of meanness is a huge turnoff.

Ditto. I do not like a person who has any 'meanness' or similar traits in or about them.

 

[Flinty]

Maybe it's some kind of PUA technique. (I think I'm joking, but I'm not 100% sure.)

You're not joking. That's a thing they do. I prefer to deal with grown-ups.

 

[Tia Maria]

Maybe it's some kind of PUA technique. (I think I'm joking, but I'm not 100% sure.)

113, some people - often teenagers & younger people - tease or try to joke around a bit when they are around someone they are interested in or attracted to .... usually because they are shy & self conscious, & don't know what to say or how they should behave. It's immature & can be annoying, but the person usually doesn't desire to insult or hurt the other person that they actually like. It's just a reflection of their lack of social skills.

IMO that's different from a person who is immature, but also has a mean streak in their personality, or even someone who thinks (quite wrongly) that being rude, insulting, or making stupid jokes at another's expense is somehow a good or attractive thing!

The former is someone stumbling, clumsily over their lack of social skills. The latter is someone who has decided to adopt bad behaviors as a pattern of immature personal interactions.

Well, that's my take on it anyway.

 

[BigTimber]

right wingers in general. sociopaths and BPD types.

I have to agree with that, especially as an LGBT person. I know to people should be judged on an individual basis, but I can't help but feel distrustful of right-wingers. I grew up in a right-wing household and my parents had right-wing friends. I noticed a lot of them had deeeep-seated issues that bled into their political opinions. They've left quite a bad impression on me. The left-wingers I've met had their issues too, they're human after all, but they seemed less arrogant about those issues and more compassionate.

With that said... Huge turn offs for me are arrogance, being judgmental, anti-intellectualism, and chauvinism. There's probably more, but those are the biggies.

 

[ChrisC1983]

sex... this post will get long
ok, so i do have a list of other things as well... basically it boils down to wanting somebody similar to myself but with a little more motivation (or who can snowball the motivation i can give them and reciprocate it... same mindset though)....... by the sex thing i don't mean i have no interest in sex (though i've had people tell me i'm asexual... i just consider myself far too picky for my age and era). i mentioned it before so i'll nutshell it this time... i wanted to be with 1 person my whole life. now i'm 31, i was with somebody for a while so it's unfair (and unrealistic just due to age) to expect somebody to have wanted the same as me and not been with somebody during their life. but it doesn't mean it doesn't still bother me

as i'm sure we all do here (honestly feels great to be able to relate that) i think far too much. so in my case i'll think about them with whoever they were with in painful detail.. them telling me what they did just solidifies my ideas, but them not telling me makes my mind wander and create scenarios of them doing things they probably never did. but then ontop of that i throw on everything the person they were with did, and everything they may have done but didn't consider sex (not sure how this rule works in the ASD world but my experience with "normal" people have been that they will not count certain things. such as oral or anal sex, or 1 night stands, or things they just don't remember due to being blackout drunk... and i count all of that) so by the time my mind is done (which can be within 30 minutes of it coming to mind, a lot of assumptions based on how social they are, their age, amount of friends, parties they go to and sofourth) i've pretty much disgusted myself to the point where i don't really want to grab their hand to pull me up from a cliff if i was falling and they were the only person there to save my life (i would end up doing it but there would be a pause and i would be bothered after the shock of almost dieing)