What do you think

[Grumpy Cat]

Guess it's the depth of that connection that is not up to expectations. After 13 years together, we should be merged as one, yet I stubbornly cling to an individual self image.

Can you explain what you mean by an individual self image? Are you meaning you still are trying to carry on the life of a single guy?

 

[DogwoodTree]

After 13 years together, we should be merged as one, yet I stubbornly cling to an individual self image.

We've been married for almost 19 years and still value each other's individuality and uniqueness. In the past two years, in fact, we each took up a new hobby independently of the other, and we both encourage the other in our hobbies and enjoy hearing about the other's adventures. Maybe it's her expectations that are the problem?

 

[Naturalist]

She isn't entirely inaccurate in some of her general observations, but she sounds as if it is a predetermined fact that individuals with AS will neglect their kids' emotional needs and make their spouses feel isolated and abused. I actually think that, knowing my own limitations, I see the value in explicit verbal communication more than most parents and spouses would. I don't want to be left guessing, so I ask specific questions; and I don't make my family guess what is going on in my mind, either.

 

[On the Inside]

Thank you for you're queries, but I'm not interested in relationship therapy. Let's just say that my "uniqueness" is not what she considers my most endearing quality. I was diagnosed some time after we got together. Being involved with an Aspie, while not necessarily a deal breaker, is not what she signed up for.

Getting back to the article mentioned, my partner would probably agree with much of what was written. I've valued the relationship deeply, as I have my other relationships (well, there has only been one other, really). If I find myself single again (more and more likely) I don't think I can, in good faith, put another person in the position of caring deeply for me, yet finding me falling so short of expectations.

 

[On the Inside]

She isn't entirely inaccurate in some of her general observations, but she sounds as if it is a predetermined fact that individuals with AS will neglect their kids' emotional needs and make their spouses feel isolated and abused. I actually think that, knowing my own limitations, I see the value in explicit verbal communication more than most parents and spouses would. I don't want to be left guessing, so I ask specific questions; and I don't make my family guess what is going on in my mind, either.

I also ask specific questions, and also repeat instructions and questions that are aimed at me out loud, so as to ensure I'm hearing, I'm listening. Still getting used to the idea of my limitations being a part of who I am. Acceptance. I've always operated under the assumption that most limitations can be overcome, if you only try hard enough. Can't bang my head against that wall any longer.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Being involved with an Aspie, while not necessarily a deal breaker, is not what she signed up for.

What you just said above irks me and I cannot hold my tongue. I'm tired of Aspies getting down on themselves and thinking everything is their fault in a relationship. This reminds me of another Aspie on this site that was with his fiancé for 5 yrs then was diagnosed with AS and then his fiancé used that as the reason that she couldn't stand being around him anymore. I think that's a bunch of crap. How is it any different from a husband or wife getting a diagnosis of diabetes or cancer? Do you give up on them because of that? I should hope not. AS isn't even life threatening - it's just a different way of life. I don't want you to think so negatively about yourself. There's nothing wrong with you - you just have a different way of thinking and doing things is all. That's all I'm going to say about that.

 

[On the Inside]

I agree with what you are saying, Grumpy. But real life has needs, expectations, hopes and dreams. There has to be enough of each of those met, and met with good cheer, for a relationship to make it. That goes both ways.