What do you think of this Dynamic at an Aspergers social group?

[Frostee]

So, I discussed this last Summer. The link to the thread is below.

The dynamics has continued with the three friends ignoring me (one smiles/says hello) throughout this year.

Although I hadn’t seen the three in a few months. What I don’t get is the one gal whom stopped speaking to me. She still ignores me. No communication at all.

This I find odd. Extremely odd.

If I can add:
- Other group members have said that the “three” appear cliquey.

- They do not go anywhere with anyone else in the group.
- They do not talk too much to anyone else in the group.
- They go everywhere together. If one goes somewhere, they all go, I.e toilets, outside. For ex, today we where at a venue, one had an appointment so the other two left with her despite not going to the appointment and living in different towns.

To me this is all quite immature, and somewhat odd. I can’t get my head around their behaviour, why they don’t talk to anyone else at the group, why they rigidly stick to one another.

Why do they even bother going to the group if they’re not going to talk to anyone?

I’m sorry but this is odd. I’ve seen cliques but never anything this severe where the members move lock and step together and do not talk to anyone.

Anyone have any experience with this? Would Aspergers heighten the Cliquey nature of the group?

Person has suddenly gone from Friendly to cold/Avoiding me. I can’t cope

 

[Fino]

Some people are like that. They're happy in their own company. It's very common in high-school and, I think, they're still near that age. I wouldn't expect behavior like that to subside until mid to late twenties.

Does the group not offer anything other than new social interaction? Or aren't they going to see each other? And then participate in whatever it is that the group does, the three of them.

Is your confusion just about the existence of cliques in generally? I'm sure there are many factors in the psychology of cliques but surely one of them is that it involves exclusivity. By excluding others, they enjoy feelings of superiority and control.

 

[Frostee]

Some people are like that. They're happy in their own company. It's very common in high-school and, I think, they're still near that age. I wouldn't expect behavior like that to subside until mid to late twenties.

Does the group not offer anything other than new social interaction? Or aren't they going to see each other? And then participate in whatever it is that the group does, the three of them.

Is your confusion just about the existence of cliques in generally? I'm sure there are many factors in the psychology of cliques but surely one of them is that it involves exclusivity. By excluding others, they enjoy feelings of superiority and control.

I don’t and can’t comprehend why they ignore the rest of the group, and do not let any of us into their little group. Why the other two listen to and heed the opinions of the gal who went cold on me and won’t form their own opinions.

I mean what sort of adults go everywhere with their friends? Surely adulthood involves independence?

They don’t actually know me that well. So they don’t have much of a reason to do this to me.

It’s all very strange & immature.

 

[Fino]

I don’t and can’t comprehend why they ignore the rest of the group, and do not let any of us into their little group.

They don’t actually know me that well. So they don’t have much of a reason to dislike me or decide not to bother with me.

I agree, it's not you. It's the same reason there are so many clubs and groups in the world, why the world is divided into nations and states, it's all just how humans are. We want to create something that's ours and then decide who gets to be a part of it.

 

[Frostee]

Don’t you find it strange that they ignore everyone else in the group despite attending?

These people are 22-25 btw.

 

[Fino]

Especially considering there are 22-25 people, I don't find it strange that they do this. That's a lot of people. It's easier to just pick a few you like and stick with them.

Is this your first time witnessing this sort of behavior? Did you attend public schools at all? Maybe part of why I think it's normal is just because I've seen it my whole life.

 

[Frostee]

No, no they’re 22-25 years of age each.

I have definitely seen and witnessed cliques, never though cliques where the individual members of the clique move lock and step with one another.

Never ignoring everyone in the room. Never avoiding eye contact or communication.

These people literally talk to one another having a little side conversation ignoring the rest of the people sitting at the table. They never ask for input or invite us into the conversation.

 

[Fino]

These people literally talk to one another having a little side conversation when we are in the room having a group conversation.

This is the first part that has sounded strange to me.

The rest sounds like autism + cliques.

But that quoted part sounds like they should be called out on that and told to quiet, participate, or leave.

 

[Pats]

You know, sometimes people just need to be told they are being rude and inconsiderate - and it sounds like these 3 need just that.
Like the other day I had run out to the grocery store and got in line to pay. The lady in front of me, after having everything rung up already decided she forgot something and went to get it. It took her quite a while before she came back with a few more items. Then she set those things down and excused herself while she went to her car to get her wallet. I couldn't not say anything and when she got back I suggested that next time she goes to check out to be prepared. She asked if I was in a hurry and I said it didn't matter, it was rude to make people wait, not just once, but twice.
I guess I'd be suggesting they get their own table or whatever location.

 

[Fino]

Behavior within groups can get out of hand because they affirm each other's actions.

 

[Frostee]

You know, sometimes people just need to be told they are being rude and inconsiderate - and it sounds like these 3 need just that.
Like the other day I had run out to the grocery store and got in line to pay. The lady in front of me, after having everything rung up already decided she forgot something and went to get it. It took her quite a while before she came back with a few more items. Then she set those things down and excused herself while she went to her car to get her wallet. I couldn't not say anything and when she got back I suggested that next time she goes to check out to be prepared. She asked if I was in a hurry and I said it didn't matter, it was rude to make people wait, not just once, but twice.
I guess I'd be suggesting they get their own table or whatever location.

I guess I feel hurt that i’m being rejected and excluded from a social group yet again.

I try again and again and fail nearly every single time.I am always the one at the bottom of the pile.

I don’t understand why these people ignore and ostracise me. That hurts me. I want friends. They ignore me. I feel hurt.

I go to the group every week and this behaviour persists. It never changes.

My parents tell me that i’m obsessed with this. BUT I cannot help but notice their strange clique and how they ignore each and everyone of us in the group at each and every event.

My parents tell me not to bother trying to make friends. BUT I get lonely, crave company and want to get away from my fathers insane moods.

I don’t understand this. I don’t do anything to provoke it, it is unjustified.

 

[Pats]

You need to focus on socializing with the rest of the group. I don't think it has anything to do with you at all since you're not the only one they're doing it to. They are getting what they want - they want others to WANT to be part of their little group. Don't give them that.

 

[Frostee]

It’s awful. Literally today they sat upstairs at the cafe we were at; in their own section and own table away from everyone else, staring down at us. One of the people at the table even mentioned it, saying “why are they staring at us?”. This is not my own insanity or misinterpretation. This is happening but it is not affecting anyone else in this way.

I wish I could ignore it, I wish it didn’t make me feel insecure or inferior.

Regarding others. It is a small group, so sometimes it is only these members. So in that case I end up sitting idle without any discussion.

Other times it’s just me and two or three others that I don’t jell with.

This is the other problem. I enjoy this group’s setup, the leader and the comfort it gives me to be myself, “to let my condition out” but attendance is low and it is often just me and another person to make company.

 

[Fino]

One person is plenty company!

That's how marriage typically happens!

 

[GadAbout]

I agree, this trio of girls is immature. But then, so are most people with Aspergers, including you. They probably have trouble connecting with strangers but have found a bubble of security with each other. Good for them. I hope they continue to feel like they have friendships with each other. As for you, I don't know, you apparently have a global lack of friends, and these girls do the same thing to others in the meetup group, so I don't understand why you need to take it personally. Feeling personally affronted by something that is not personal to you, just unfairly punishes yourself with sadness.

 

[Frostee]

Sitting up thinking about this. I can’t sleep.

The whole things just upsetting that they cannot seem to get on with me. I wouldn’t be bothered if they had a justifiable reason, but they don’t have a justifiable reason to be behaving in this way. They’re just immature, looking for drama.

Met at the group last Tuesday.. they both immediately dropped out of a board game as soon as I joined in - “to watch”. ‘‘Twas embarrassingly obvious and hurtful as I had not spoken to them and there was no genuine reason for them to drop out.

The coordinator of the group noticed this as her response was , “oh really, are you sure about that” after asking why they were leaving. She didn’t do anything about it though.

 

[Frostee]

I agree, this trio of girls is immature. But then, so are most people with Aspergers, including you. They probably have trouble connecting with strangers but have found a bubble of security with each other. Good for them. I hope they continue to feel like they have friendships with each other. As for you, I don't know, you apparently have a global lack of friends, and these girls do the same thing to others in the meetup group, so I don't understand why you need to take it personally. Feeling personally affronted by something that is not personal to you, just unfairly punishes yourself with sadness.

Do you not think it’s a bit mean for people to exclude you completely? Shouldn’t it be expected that people in a social group, be at the very least cordial towards one another out of respect and common decency?

An example above I quoted was very rude and juvenile (gals immediately pulled out of a board game as soon as I joined the game, to “watch”).

 

[GadAbout]

Do you not think it’s a bit mean for people to exclude you completely? Shouldn’t it be expected that people in a social group, be at the very least cordial towards one another out of respect and common decency?

An example above I quoted was very rude and juvenile (gals immediately pulled out of a board game as soon as I joined the game, to “watch”).

Does it make you feel better, if we can all agree that these girls were mean, rude, and juvenile?

 

[Fino]

Yes, that's mean. Maybe you can put a positive spin on it by thinking of it as, "yay, the mean people just left," and then you were the one left with the game, at which point you can now play.

 

[Frostee]

The leader of this group has now asked me to come in 15 minutes earlier than the start time to talk to me about two weeks ago.

Sigh, this is concerning.

- This woman never, at any point took into consideration my views of the dynamic of the group. She denied the odd behaviour that the clique displays towards me.

I am deeply upset about all of this. She will no doubt turn on me, and tell me that I have to corporate with the group or else. (Basically respect the clique who ostracise me)

(I missed the group last week as I got fed up of the dynamics. And games where competitive).