What can I as a social anxious and reserved Aspie male do about accusatory women?

[Frostee]

So, this evening I was driving my car. I pulled into a Petrol station to get food, I drive out of the Forecourt and I knock my car slightly on the pump (it was an awkward space).

I turn left and drive up a suburban road. I pull over at a lay-by. A teenage girl cycles past as I am pulling in and then stops.

I get out to check my car, and see her. She immediately says “why did you stop your car beside me what are you doing?”. I said “wth are you going on about, why are even you talking to me, I don’t know you?”. I then got in the car and stormed out of there. I was feeling humiliated and mortified so I didn’t want to stick around, or allow the situation to escalate any further.

I don’t know what she was doing but I think she was trying to say that I was going to do something to her.

What can I, as a shy Aspie male (and average attraction wise) do about these types of women who try to say that I am a creep or acting sketchy? This evening could’ve escalated into something serious. I am very worried that she has taken a photo of me or my number plate and is going to go to the police.

 

[Bolletje]

The quickest way to resolve the situation would have been to respond that you knocked your car earlier and wanted to check for damage. No need to flee the situation or respond rudely.

 

[Raphael Outcast]

The quickest way to resolve the situation would have been to respond that you knocked your car earlier and wanted to check for damage. No need to flee the situation or respond rudely.

This is self-evidently true, but in my case it's the kind of truth that only becomes apparent hours or days, or weeks or months or years, later...

Teenaged girls are right to be on the defensive these days, so you can't blame her, but someone addressing me when I'm not expecting anyone to address me freaks me out, especially if I'm actually concentrating on something else at the time.

I suppose a pedant would say, if you were checking your mirrors like you should, then you would notice a bicycle approaching from behind as you pulled up!

This sounds like the kind of unfortunate misunderstanding that could happen to anyone, irrespective of Asperger's, and then alas, because of his Asperger's, Frostee found himself unable to deal with the unexpected situation on the ground at the time it was happening.

If it was an innocent mistake then you're allowed to chalk it up to your Asperger's, and sigh, and then forget all about it, I believe.

 

[Frostee]

The cyclist was coming in front of me but it was pitch dark. I’m not sure why it matters though? I am allowed to pull over into a lay-by.

 

[Mia]

I think given the nature of the interaction, I would have responded in a similar fashion with: "Go on your way, this has nothing to do with you."

 

[Aspychata]

This is a normal spectrum reaction. Think you were frightened, this hashtag #woman's- he harassed me timeframe does put men on the defensive, and l totally understand you. Now if you were a little more relaxed, you could have said, "No habla English, or sprechen sie Deutsche?" You get my gist right?

Hey don't beat me up,l suck at foreign language unless it involves food.

 

[Frostee]

This is a normal spectrum reaction. Think you were frightened, this hashtag #woman's- he harassed me timeframe does put men on the defensive, and l totally understand you. Now if you were a little more relaxed, you could have said, "No habla English, or sprechen sie Deutsche?" You get my gist right?

Hey don't beat me up,l suck at foreign language unless it involves food.

Yes I felt she was out to target me. Surely she would be down the road like a a bat outta hell if she was truly concerned that something happened.

I did not know what to do and was worried that it would escalate so I got out of there quickly!

 

[Aspychata]

I use the hasty retreat myself and l am way older but that serves me well. Hasty retreat is in my arsenal bag and can be used anywhere, any time. When in doubt, run out the door, in your case, it was jump in and shut the door and lorry away like runny meat pie. Do people still eat those?

 

[Fino]

I feel like nothing happened that would require you to learn to deal with anything new for future reference, that it was just an odd encounter and that's it. I probably would have apologized and explained what I was doing and if she was still irate, I'd also leave.

 

[Judge]

What can I as a social anxious and reserved Aspie male do about accusatory women?

The short answer? Nothing.

If total strangers are intent on being so cheeky towards strange men under unclear circumstances at night, it reflects their recklessness- not yours.

So you stay in control. At best you can simply tell them that your being there has nothing to do with them. Though in their mind they probably think you're lying. Either way, there's nothing you can do about a total stranger's level of suspicion or paranoia. Where the less you say to them is most likely for the better.

 

[SDRSpark]

This is a normal spectrum reaction. Think you were frightened, this hashtag #woman's- he harassed me timeframe does put men on the defensive, and l totally understand you. Now if you were a little more relaxed, you could have said, "No habla English, or sprechen sie Deutsche?" You get my gist right?

Hey don't beat me up,l suck at foreign language unless it involves food.

This.

I'm torn between "I guess I understand why she would be frightened" and angry that someone would assume you pulled over because of them.

I have to admit to being concerned by someone's behavior in the past. But though it made me uneasy, I did not allow myself to assume that it had anything whatsoever to do with me, and carried on my way. After all, if you're afraid, why would you stick around, or confront someone?

That said, I'm an almost 32 year old woman, and she was a teenage girl...she still has a lot to learn about the world.

 

[Judge]

That said, I'm an almost 32 year old woman, and she was a teenage girl...she still has a lot to learn about the world.

Confrontation over an uncertain and unclear encounter is a bad idea in general. Where instead of avoiding serious trouble, one might just get much more than they bargained for. Enabled with a very naive sense of real-time threat assessment. Kind of reminiscent of road rage. Where the less said and done, the better for all.

Perhaps this is indicative of rural people in Ulster, as the OP has mentioned before. Still, from my perspective it's precarious for much of any one out and about at night to behave as such to a complete stranger.

 

[Frostee]

This.

I'm torn between "I guess I understand why she would be frightened" and angry that someone would assume you pulled over because of them.

I have to admit to being concerned by someone's behavior in the past. But though it made me uneasy, I did not allow myself to assume that it had anything whatsoever to do with me, and carried on my way. After all, if you're afraid, why would you stick around, or confront someone?

That said, I'm an almost 32 year old woman, and she was a teenage girl...she still has a lot to learn about the world.

That was my thoughts. Why are you stopping with me if you are wary? Especially a teenage girl.

 

[Raphael Outcast]

The cyclist was coming in front of me but it was pitch dark. I’m not sure why it matters though? I am allowed to pull over into a lay-by.

Well, if she had no front lamp on her bicycle then you can't be blamed for not seeing her in the dark. Cyclists can be pretty unreasonable, even in broad daylight! A motorist is expected to "maintain constant all-round observation" before & during any manoeuvre, and this includes pulling into a lay-by, but it's pretty difficult to see an unlit bicycle in the dark, and yet cyclists do love to ride around without lamps and be invisible; they appear to regard it as O.K. to do so.

Misfortunately, it sounds as though you succeeded in freaking each other out. Without actual video footage of the way she was handling her bicycle and where exactly she was, and the way you were handling your car and where exactly you were, it's impossible to point to any specific thing, but obviously she didn't know you were on the autism spectrum plus worried about the bodywork of your car, and you didn't know she was nervous about cars suddenly stopping near her when she was alone in the dark. This is an innocent misunderstanding with no serious moral fault on either side, and not worth getting too upset about.

I've spent years trying to learn ways of responding appropriately to people who speak to me when I wasn't expecting to be spoken to and wasn't wanting to be spoken to. It's a skill I have not yet perfected! And a lot of people have been unnecessarily offended and upset along the way...

It goes with the A.S.D. territory I think, but one can always endeavour to learn from experience. Speaking for myself, I am a very slow learner, but I chalk that up to my Asperger's and refuse to beat myself up about it.

 

[Frostee]

Well i’m sorry but if she was in anyway concerned she would not stop but would be on down the road at rocket speed.

 

[tree]

Maybe she wondered if you needed help?

I wasn't there to hear the intonation of her voice.

I also haven't been able to get a clear idea of who was in the area first, you or her.
But, if it was completely dark, and she had no light on her bike, I don't know how
to figure that out anyway.

Apparently you wouldn't be as concerned if the person on the bike had been male?

 

[Raphael Outcast]

Speaking as someone who used to teach in girls' schools, I have to say if you are expecting totally serene and appropriate and proportionate conduct at all times from every teenaged girl there is, you may perhaps be being a tad unrealistic, my friend!

In many cases I would say being a teenaged girl appears just as difficult and perplexing as having Asperger's. They too can find this a bewildering and hostile world, and they too can end up doing some irrational and potentially upsetting things when their understanding of the situation breaks down.

So I sympathize with the shock she inflicted on your system, but she probably didn't really mean anything by it, any more than you meant to upset her...

 

[Raphael Outcast]

But, if it was completely dark, and she had no light on her bike, I don't know how to figure that out anyway.

Riding unlit bicycles in the dark is a national hobby in the U.K. Unfortunately.

 

[Frostee]

Maybe she wondered if you needed help?

I wasn't there to hear the intonation of her voice.

I also haven't been able to get a clear idea of who was in the area first, you or her.
But, if it was completely dark, and she had no light on her bike, I don't know how
to figure that out anyway.

Apparently you wouldn't be as concerned if the person on the bike had been male?

No I wouldn’t no, there’d be no risk of a false acccusation.

 

[WildCat]

If you didn't do anything then you don't need to worry about false accusations, so best to get that out of your mind. If you're encountering these sorts of people often (and it's not just women), the best you can do is to stay out of their way and refuse to engage at all if possible.

You could respond briefly with what you're actually doing or nothing at all and simply go on with your own business next time rather than what you said to her, but as there's no harm done in the end here it's nothing to ruminate about.