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What bout this is bothering me?

Pats

Pats

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
More than a month ago my aunt called me out of concern. She said that her sister was coming for a visit and also my two sisters were coming and she didn't know if I had been invited to come or what was going on. I told her I didn't know they were going but it was fine because I don't do much traveling anymore. She kept talking and I did finally tell her that there were some events that put a strain between me and my siblings - Actually, though, not both sisters. Anyhow, this past weekend is when they were all together and I'd see pictures on facebook that my aunt posted and I was actually fine with it. I would not have gone even if I had been invited. And I would not have enjoyed doing all the things they took pictures of themselves doing. I'd click like on the pictures and was glad they were having fun.

But this evening I get a message from my aunt saying she missed me and is hoping things will get better and that eventually I'll find it easier to deal with and be at peace.
I sent her a message back that I really was glad they had a good time and that, as far as family, it is what it is. I told her (as I have told my sisters) that I don't have a problem keeping in touch, but I don't have a lot to say these days and not to worry about me that I was at peace.
But what's bothering me about her message? I don't know if I want to cry or to cringe?
 
Cringe! :eek:

She's pitying you. If she were in your place, she would be devastated so she assumes you're devastated.

That's what it looks like to me.

It's okay, NTs have issues with seeing things from perspectives different than their own. Theory of mind and all. :)
 
I want so much to say "I don't like people". I like you guys. But, in general. I don't think it's that I don't like them because I don't want to see any of them hurt or hungry or suffering, and would do what I could to prevent it, if possible. But I don't enjoy being around them, talking to them, dealing with them. They are so draining.

Thanks, @Fino - that's possibly the case.
 
I rarely "miss" people, but apparently many, presumably NTs, do "miss" people.

It could be just that your aunt simply wants more contact with you, whether or not you can facilitate that is another issue.
 
What would bother me is the finality of the words be at peace. It sounds like a death of the relationship with your sisters.
That is what would bother me.
 
Being treated as if you were very upset can be very upsetting. Especially if it's about something that isn't completely fine but that you've made your peace with? Stuff might bubble up that would otherwise have stayed quiet.
 
All sisters together?
The family picture may have been complete if the third sister was part of the get together.
In your aunt's view?

Aunt subconsciously using words and phrases to highlight her own ideas and wishes?

maybe you're picking up on those and double checking if you've created a situation or not by choosing to live your life your own way?
 
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Fino said:
NTs have issues with seeing things from perspectives different than their own
Click to expand...
Yes!

Pats said:
I want so much to say "I don't like people". I like you guys. But, in general.
Click to expand...

Hehehe. I find it hard getting to know others in part because when they learn how I feel, for example finding socialising tiring, it makes them think I don't like them and/or don't like people in general. Actually I'm not a huge fan of the group called humanity (though they are interesting and certainly have some amazing abilities). But individual people I like very much. Just not for too long, usually. It's a tricky one.

I can understand why you were confused and a bit perturbed by the conversation with your aunt.
 
Kevin1968 said:
I rarely "miss" people, but apparently many, presumably NTs, do "miss" people.
Click to expand...

I don't either. Occasionally. Occasionally enough that I note it as being unusual for me. Like when I feel lonely (sort of linked but not always) or bored. Actually I'm terribly grateful not to get bored.
I feel like it would be difficult to tell most people that you don't miss others. :/
 
I can relate. Though i have a policy of getting to know people well enough. So i wont miss them. Sounds like you have as well.
 
As for the cringe. Its from believeing some how you have upset or disappointed your aunt. Though i agree it sounds like shes trying to guilt trip you into coming the next time.
 
As for the cringe. Its from believeing some how you have upset or disappointed your aunt. Though i agree it sounds like shes trying to guilt trip you into coming the next time.
 
As for the cringe. Its from believeing some how you have upset or disappointed your aunt. Though i agree it sounds like shes trying to guilt trip you into coming the next time.
 
Baeraad said:
Being treated as if you were very upset can be very upsetting. Especially if it's about something that isn't completely fine but that you've made your peace with? Stuff might bubble up that would otherwise have stayed quiet.
Click to expand...
I think you're right - I think there are some things that were not completely fine. And I think it's the way they went about it. Them getting together doesn't bother me because I know I would not have gone. But I think it does bother me that they kept it from me (or tried). If my aunt hadn't called me to ask if I was invited I would not have known anything about it until seeing the pictures plastered all over facebook - so it's like they didn't want me to know until I seen the pictures of them having fun (which would not have been fun for me). But there's also more to it.

And I think it's my one sister's way of trying to punish me for still not talking to my brother.
 
I have a sister who has said similar to me and instead of feeling loved, I feel, how can I say? Annoyed and frustrated and wish she had just said nothing. However, my siblings and I, are a bad mix. I do have a brother, who I can tolerate ( I know that sounds arrogant, but in truth, that is the word).

I feel it is a selfish act on their part; because in fact, if they really thought about the person they are saying it to, they would realise that it was not necessary to say.

I have ones telling me that I should get out more and socialise; that it is not good for me, being at home all the time. They just do not get it, that even though, sometimes I have felt lonely, it is better than the torture of trying to be happy when socialising.
 
Pats - you should feel confident that your "no" means "no" for very good reasons. Stand by your own conviction and protect yourself. You have no reason to feel guilty. Your choice, your life, your schedule. Having others tell you what you are supposed to do or feel gets tired quickly. I can give in to pressure, but I always know best. My vote rules me. No explanation needed. Good job. You did the right thing.
 
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