We're Not Superhuman

[NateSean]

I'm certain we've all encountered this. I encountered it twice with my boyfriend and his only saving grace is that he had the decency to apologize when I became upset.

First Example: BF has a way he likes to wrap the dog leash around his wrist. He has asked me to do the same, but this one time when I was walking Dickens it had been almost a month since I had done this, so naturally the leash wrapping method was not fully ingrained in my muscle memory.

"It's got to be the Asperger's," BF said. He proceeded to tell me about another man who lived with him prior who also had Asperger's.

I got upset. The reason being is that like so many in my life, BF clearly expected me to have superhuman abilities to acquire and store knowledge that I had no reason to put into practice. Because people without the diagnosis sometimes have to do the same thing three or four times to get it down perfectly. That's called practice. If people without the Asperger's diagnosis were magically able to learn things and remember them from the word go, medical school wouldn't be so expensive.

Second Example: When the warm weather hit us, the ants came. BF kept asking me to remind him to buy ant baits. every time we saw ants, he would remind me to remind him. If you don't see the irony of this, let me explain.

Someone who is perfectly fine with forgetting something himself is getting impatient with someone who forgets to remind him. Amazing.

Again, in both instances, my BF apologized for expecting me to be superhuman on account of my diagnosis. I'm wondering what experiences the rest of you have had in regards to people acting as if the diagnosis exempts you from the same patience and courtesy the alleged NT's get.

 

[ChrisC1983]

can't say much about the first (i'm sure similar things would pop to mind if i tried)....... but the 2nd.. omg every single time. i dont really have friends or a dating life but my family constantly ask me to remind them of things and i swear it's just to get mad at me when i forget something they had to remember (even things fully unrelated to me.. like "remind me when i'm at work to type up a report" or such)
i've gotten to the point that when they ask me to remind them of something.. i just say "really? look who you're telling to remember stuff". i still need to be repetitive to remember things anyway but if it has no importance to me.. it's pretty much impossible

 

[DogwoodTree]

Someone who is perfectly fine with forgetting something himself is getting impatient with someone who forgets to remind him.

I've read that a person is actually more likely to remember to do something if he does NOT ask someone to remind him. When we ask for help remembering something, we mentally transfer the responsibility to the other person and forget it ourselves. So you could tell him that his mind is more likely to retain the information (need to get ant bait) if he does NOT ask you to help him remember.

On a side note...Google the recipe for homemade borax ant bait. Works a whole lot better and is a whooole lot cheaper.

 

[Judge]

Sounds like you need to sit down with the BF and explain to him the diversity of Aspies as opposed to media stereotypes.

 

[Datura]

No diagnosis, but people at work always ask me to help out with anything related to computers or plugging things in. My technological skills aren't even that impressive, but to them I am a wizard. I feel like a time traveler showing off her lighter to a bunch of cave men.

But people frequently expect me to retain information that my memory is simply not capable of. In fact, my memory is quite pore and I have to write things down. People roll there eyes at me sometimes when I take out my note book to jot down directions. It's very irritating.

 

[Harrison]

People around me appear to have 'sussed out' what I am good or bad at. I know my friend Jo will always write a list if she wants me to pick something up, even if it's one item. Similarly, she never expects me to remember people by their names so never talks about them that way. She will relate an event that ties me to the person, "Do you remember that woman you spoke to about fixing her computer? Well, she died". Not the best example

I notice that other people do this also, I have yet to find out if this is because Jo held a weekend worshop in 'How to get Harrison to come back with the thing you sent him to get'.

By the same token though, people know what I am good at and tend to defer to me on those things.

 

[Asperganoid]

My memory is so poor. And worst of all; it isn't particularly poor in an area i can isolate and remedy with notepads/reminders. I recently misplaced an I.T Certificate in my place; the memory of where i put the darn thing might as well not exist because i have zilch collection of its possible whereabouts:

this type of forgetting can produce rather negative thoughts of being useless and self-mocking for not remembering.

I appreciate your irritations because sometimes even WE aspies think that we should be doing better when really it's a blind ride most of time. and we're constantly manoeuvring around a maze of wonder and confusion in a world that's a mixed bag of WTF in its own right.

 

[EdR]

I have not shared my diagnosis with anyone other than my wife with the intention of avoiding complications.

When an employee of mine indicates that they have a faulty memory I provide them with index cards and insist they they always have one, and only one, with them at all times. The process involves recording to-do items on the card, reviewing the card routinely, crossing off completed items and entering the unfinished items on a new card first thing the following day.

It works.

 

[Judge]

People around me appear to have 'sussed out' what I am good or bad at. I know my friend Jo will always write a list if she wants me to pick something up, even if it's one item. Similarly, she never expects me to remember people by their names so never talks about them that way. She will relate an event that ties me to the person, "Do you remember that woman you spoke to about fixing her computer? Well, she died". Not the best example

I notice that other people do this also, I have yet to find out if this is because Jo held a weekend worshop in 'How to get Harrison to come back with the thing you sent him to get'.

By the same token though, people know what I am good at and tend to defer to me on those things.

Tying things/events to people instead of referring to people themselves. That's always worked for me.

Yet I never really gave it any thought until just this moment. It's simply utilizing our type of brain more effectively.

 

[Tom]

I sometimes think its like what we are good at, we are very good at, and what we are bad at, we really do suck (and are probably not going to have dramatic improvement in no matter how many times it is brought to our attention).

 

[NateSean]

Sounds like you need to sit down with the BF and explain to him the diversity of Aspies as opposed to media stereotypes.

Which would in no way shape or form be helpful. As I stated in the post, we reached an understanding, which is that he doesnt' expect me to be some superhuman machine and I don't expect him to tolerate all of my more manageable quirks. Whether or not he understands Aspergers' and it's wide and varying discrepancies doesn't make a difference as to how two people get along with each other.

 

[watersprite]

Having just burnt up yet another pot attempting to reheat some tea; I find this thread comforting.
From now on I'm setting the timer if the stove is on - no matter what.
Edited to add, after my diagnosis my kids both seem more understanding than ever.

 

[Judge]

Whether or not he understands Aspergers' and it's wide and varying discrepancies doesn't make a difference as to how two people get along with each other.

I have to disagree. When I look back on all my relationships with NTs I see them all having failed based on the reality that neither of us were aware of my being on the spectrum.

Knowledge is power...the power of sustaining a relationship in spite of such differences because both parties are aware of their neurological differences instead of being constantly confused and angry not knowing what is actually happening.

You simply convey your own known traits and behaviors rather than keep them guessing.

 

[Judge]

Having just burnt up yet another pot attempting to reheat some tea; I find this thread comforting.
From now on I'm setting the timer if the stove is on - no matter what.
Edited to add, after my diagnosis my kids both seem more understanding than ever.

Absolutely! Use that timer...without a timer I'm in deep kahunga.

Love the microwave....two minutes five seconds for a cup of tea. One hundred sixty-five seconds for popcorn....etc., etc..

 

[NateSean]

You simply convey your own known traits and behaviors rather than keep them guessing.

And is there any reason you can't do this without constantly bringing up your diagnosis? I've found the balance quite nicely, which is why I don't have people accusing me of using ASD as an excuse.

I would rather accept the fact that my boyfriend is human too. I don't want "power" over him, I want a mutual respect with him, which is what I am discussing here.

 

[Judge]

And is there any reason you can't do this without constantly bringing up your diagnosis? I've found the balance quite nicely, which is why I don't have people accusing me of using ASD as an excuse.

I would rather accept the fact that my boyfriend is human too. I don't want "power" over him, I want a mutual respect with him, which is what I am discussing here.

I'm only speaking from the context of communicating with a significant other. Beyond that, it's a complete crapshoot. "Need-to-know" basis only, IMO.

No one is suggesting you have power over him. It's about power to both of you in the benefit of mutual understanding of each others neurology rather then remain angry, resentful and confused. To have mutual respect, you need mutual understanding.

Knowledge of each others neurological differences shouldn't ever be seen as a way to leverage each other. If one or both thinks in such a way, I'd think such a relationship has a poor prognosis for success.

 

[NateSean]

No one is suggesting you have power over him. It's about power to both of you in the benefit of mutual understanding of each others neurology rather then remain angry, resentful and confused. To have mutual respect, you need mutual understanding.

Then I'm sorry if I misunderstood what you had said. But what I am trying to say in the context of this thread that I started, is that I don't want anyone whether it is my significant other, or a coworker, or a family member, or anyone I feel that I should be able to trust enough to share this intimate knowledge with, to treat me any differently because of three little letters that just happen to be attached to my name.

When I make a mistake, I want people to treat me like someone who has made a mistake. I don't want them to say, "Oh, clearly that is Asperger's that has made you do that thing that literally anyone else could have done." This isn't about a person's knowledge of ASD as it is about their knowledge of the fact that I don't want that word to define me or what they think they know about me.

 

[Judge]

But what I am trying to say in the context of this thread that I started, is that I don't want anyone whether it is my significant other, or a coworker, or a family member, or anyone I feel that I should be able to trust enough to share this intimate knowledge with, to treat me any differently because of three little letters that just happen to be attached to my name.

I suspect most of us think that. But in the real world, how likely is that possible? That's why I would save complete honesty and transparency for exclusively a relationship with a significant other. But then from my own point of view I'd do that anyways, regardless of neurological considerations. If I can't be "me" in an intimate relationship, then I wouldn't want the relationship itself.

But outside that relationship....no. I'd be more prone to keeping it to myself for better or worse. Too many variables. And yes, I agree- I don't want to be defined by the public at large exclusively by being in a neurological minority either. And let's face it, we all know how pervasive stigmatization and stereotyping can be in society.