Weird relationship with sex

[Jason5]

I have a weird relationship with sex. At times I enjoy sexual things and they seem perfectly natural and enjoyable. But at other times I can be repulsed by the idea and find the whole process weird and abnormal. I recently started dating a girl that I really like and I am worry that when I go through the stage when it feels weird that I might neglect her or give her the wrong impression. I have some traumas and bad experiences related to sex which may be contributing. I just wish I had a better balance of these things. Does anybody have this problem? If so any tips?

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

It is animalism and yes it is very weird.
Maybe you are asexual?
I often think that if I could just have platonic relationships that fulfilled then I would be happy.
But it is lonely life and it is kind of romantic to be close to someone like in terms of intimacy.

 

[Fino]

It sounds like something that would eventually need to be discussed with her. Alternatively or in addition to that, talking to a therapist about it could be useful.

 

[Tom]

You might try changing what you focus on. Try and push away the negatives and indulge in the positives. There are enjoyable aspects. Let that direction expand in your head.

 

[Suzanne]

Very much so!

However, I know we live in an era where everything goes, but you do not HAVE to even go that far! Surely, it is best to get to know this lady first, before even thinking of getting that close? That will, in turn, ease your troubled mind.

I also have gone through trauma, which no doubt, accounts for my weirdness towards this act.

When I first found out how babies came about, each time I saw a mother with her child, it actually made me feel sick, that she actually did that disgusting act to get that baby! Even today, I find it fascinating when those I know are suddenly pregnant - thinking: wow, you actually did that thing?!

I used to say: I want a baby, but do not want to go through THAT to have a baby!

 

[Kayla55]

Asexual is relating to sexual preferences, but the left side of brain can render some people sterile (not physical but by choice)
It may be very common for a sexual people to never marry and Persie other interests or career. I think cross over so at times this can affect sexually active asd

Many people are orientated towards sexual society and don't understand or respect that some of us cannot switch because your brain is wired logical and affects animal urges, these people don't realise that it's not because went to school to learn,
Many of us are highly sensitive intelligent and society thinks just date, fit in and can't get it.
I'm sterile in mind

 

[Kayla55]

So mother keeps telling her son he's so smart and intelligent. So then comes concept of making compliments seem genuine. Ok so the son is a parrot learner who has high emotional iq, is very expressive but not intellectual.

Then talk about changing labour ward to help asd mother's in birth?? Ok, I really don't get it.
This is why most of the time I just keep quiet...because no, I just don't get it

 

[Kayla55]

You might try changing what you focus on. Try and push away the negatives and indulge in the positives. There are enjoyable aspects. Let that direction expand in your head.

My mid-life crisis is really bad and it's because of trying to be normal and fit in, maybe we just don't fit in.
The comment a while back Was regarding my diet and how girls eat pea-soup but is not sustainable food for a man or family. Well I do eat hummus and most vegetarian options are like eastern toffu and so maybe he thought I was on diet. When a child realises that chicken we eat is actually derived from animal is is amazing to figure it out without living on a farm because mostly it's ready-killed or ready-made
Realising that delicious cheese came from suckling calf was freaky....so freaked out that searching for clean sterile food that was edible. Mostly there was sausage selection which was better understood when watching who's the boss!!
I suppose I eat lot veg soup and veggie bake, with regard to textures I don't like mushy bread, or lunch box smells...
My crumbed chicken is considered dry but to me it's mushy crumbs are Yuk yuk

Just a thought if you relate on how sterile technical mind can be.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

When I felt socially isolated I coped by denying my sexuality. That distorted my view of sex that it was for other people, not me. But, finally when I was in an intimate relationship, the thing that took sex past the mere animalistic and lustful for me was to focus on her pleasurable responses. I wanted to know her body and I was very aware of her pleasure in what we were doing. That focus brought me out of myself and was also exciting for me. I think that focus on my partner brought us closer together. In that way, sex changed me.

 

[Dagan]

I think what I have to mention fits in this thread.

I have been researching what is or isn't sex addiction, and I'm right atop the fence as to if I had gotten to be such a person. I'm not talking about multiple partners. I've not had many partners at all. What I'm talking about is letting the act itself become a feeling of need, even though I still think that I enjoy pleasing a partner far more than I focus on myself. I think in my last relationship over a year ago, that I may have become addicted to pleasing my partner, and I may have even been led to be that way without ever realizing it. I don't know how else to say this part, but I feel like a person isn't asked to do such a thing so often if they aren't good at it or at least quite competent, so I think that it was being taken advantage of...to a degree. And, now, all of this time later, I think that I'm realizing that I am dealing with feelings of shame in that...and that it's a big part of why I haven't tried dating even once since that split....because I don't want to be that way again. I don't want the negative side, I mean. I know this may not even make sense to some folks, but I felt like getting it out and written down somewhere at least. I will likely bring this up in therapy eventually, but the confidence for talking about this in person is just not in me yet. But, yeah, overall, I think I let myself become an addict, and I think I'm dealing with repressed shame over it.

 

[The Pandector]

While this may be taken as a joke, please consider the galactic power and freedom in simply saying to your girlfriend, ‘Not tonight, honey, I’m not in the mood.’

 

[Dagan]

Understood. I meant more in terms of how I let that be what the relationship foundation was mostly, that I didn't realize it and that I even let it feel like the solution to "fixing" so many times I wasn't good enough otherwise. So, I feel like that's entirely all that I was good for and wanted for, as well. Because of this, I think that I came to depend on it. Now, I think I am dealing with that shame while also realizing that I haven't tried again for reason of fear that I don't trust myself yet...that I'm still mediocre at spotting all of the red flags that I feel are necessary.

 

[Rodafina]

Understood. I meant more in terms of how I let that be what the relationship foundation was mostly, that I didn't realize it and that I even let it feel like the solution to "fixing" so many times I wasn't good enough otherwise. So, I feel like that's entirely all that I was good for and wanted for, as well. Because of this, I think that I came to depend on it. Now, I think I am dealing with that shame while also realizing that I haven't tried again for reason of fear that I don't trust myself yet...that I'm still mediocre at spotting all of the red flags that I feel are necessary.

Sounds like it's a good time to work through some of that shame and reestablish your self confidence and sense of value all around. Some things are very difficult to discuss, but when that process begins is usually when they start to resolve within ourselves.

What you write about here makes a lot of sense. Some of us have felt so inadequate for our entire lives that any inkling that we are good at something can have us taking that one thing too far. In a non sexual way, I found out I was a good people pleaser when I was very young and spent a great deal of my life getting my sense of value and confidence in the fact that I could make others happy. The last few years has been dedicated to accepting other facets of myself that I think are valuable and add to my sense of self esteem.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

reminds me of the thread i started, so yes, it is not unusual or not unheard of at all, for a portion of people on the autism spectrum to dislike sex, they still crave and want relationships though, even if sex is a not a must or a requirement.