was always afraid of being caught

[rollerskate]

I used to call this "the stupidity monster," still do at times. I have always felt that there is something stupid about me that no one can see, except me - all because I'm considered to be "gifted." So of course, this means when I'm having difficulty with something everyone else considers to be easy and basic, they chide me about it, thinking I'm not trying hard enough, I'm being lazy, I'm not applying myself, etc. because according to them, I'm too smart to not be able to do it. And I'm the only one that sees how I'm trying so hard to do it that I'm going into a nervous breakdown and hating myself because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to make any progress.

 

[Garry jackson]

Keeping in mind that I had no idea about autism, and no idea that I could possibly be autistic, One of my biggest fears in my everyday life was being caught. I couldn't figure out what I was afraid of being caught as, though. It's not that I was doing anything bad or making mistakes that I was afraid someone would discover, it was different than that. I could never put into words what I was afraid of and the closest I came was in talking to my sister. I was trying to explain this fear and told her it was like I was afraid of being found out, like I was hiding something even though I didn't really feel like I was hiding anything. But I was afraid of people finding out the person I was or that there was something wrong with me that I was afraid other's might see.

I knew I was different and I knew I never felt like I fit anywhere in this world. I knew I had no interest in what other's did. Everyone liked the same shows - I didn't. Everyone liked the same styles - I didn't. So on and so on. The fact that I had no interest in these things didn't bother me, except I could not participate in conversations about those popular things. I was caught and questioned about rocking a few times, but I was just a little embarrassed and hadn't realized I was and really didn't know why or that I was doing it (though when I stopped I did realize it was more comforting when I did rock). Everything about me was different.

Where was this fear of being caught coming from? It was when I learned about the autism and masking that I finally knew what it was. It was being afraid of someone finding out who I was - now I can put a label on it - afraid of someone finding out I was autistic. I think that was one of the hardest things in dealing with not knowing and why I feel so strongly about diagnosing, whether it's self or professional. So no one else has to go through life hiding something that they can't even figure out what it is. I want them to know it and know to be okay with it and not live in that unknown fear. If you don't know where the fear is coming from you can't fight it. So knowing or not knowing may or may not have changed a lot of things in my life, but it would have changed living with the unknown, which is no life at all.

I believe this is called imposters syndrome and is for me part of my o

Keeping in mind that I had no idea about autism, and no idea that I could possibly be autistic, One of my biggest fears in my everyday life was being caught. I couldn't figure out what I was afraid of being caught as, though. It's not that I was doing anything bad or making mistakes that I was afraid someone would discover, it was different than that. I could never put into words what I was afraid of and the closest I came was in talking to my sister. I was trying to explain this fear and told her it was like I was afraid of being found out, like I was hiding something even though I didn't really feel like I was hiding anything. But I was afraid of people finding out the person I was or that there was something wrong with me that I was afraid other's might see.

I knew I was different and I knew I never felt like I fit anywhere in this world. I knew I had no interest in what other's did. Everyone liked the same shows - I didn't. Everyone liked the same styles - I didn't. So on and so on. The fact that I had no interest in these things didn't bother me, except I could not participate in conversations about those popular things. I was caught and questioned about rocking a few times, but I was just a little embarrassed and hadn't realized I was and really didn't know why or that I was doing it (though when I stopped I did realize it was more comforting when I did rock). Everything about me was different.

Where was this fear of being caught coming from? It was when I learned about the autism and masking that I finally knew what it was. It was being afraid of someone finding out who I was - now I can put a label on it - afraid of someone finding out I was autistic. I think that was one of the hardest things in dealing with not knowing and why I feel so strongly about diagnosing, whether it's self or professional. So no one else has to go through life hiding something that they can't even figure out what it is. I want them to know it and know to be okay with it and not live in that unknown fear. If you don't know where the fear is coming from you can't fight it. So knowing or not knowing may or may not have changed a lot of things in my life, but it would have changed living with the unknown, which is no life at all.

Thank you this is exactly how I have felt as well, for me I believe it is called imposters syndrome, never feeling like I belong, fit in and waiting for somebody to come and unmask me and show me 'the door' whatever that door was. Its' crazy but you put your finger on it specifically.

 

[Fino]

I used to call this "the stupidity monster," still do at times. I have always felt that there is something stupid about me that no one can see, except me - all because I'm considered to be "gifted." So of course, this means when I'm having difficulty with something everyone else considers to be easy and basic, they chide me about it, thinking I'm not trying hard enough, I'm being lazy, I'm not applying myself, etc. because according to them, I'm too smart to not be able to do it. And I'm the only one that sees how I'm trying so hard to do it that I'm going into a nervous breakdown and hating myself because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to make any progress.

I HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE

 

[techteach]

Of course I didn't realize this when I was younger, so I always felt shamed into not being who I really was.

I felt like I was living in a nightmare the whole while I was growing up.

Being blamed for things you didn't do tend to put you on edge.

You could be accused at any point.

This is tragic.

I often have a feeling of guilt or anxiety, I'nm not sure what the feeling actually is, without me knowing what I have done wrong to feel guilty about. As @Fridgemagnetman says, I think it stems from being blamed or punished for things I was unaware of doing wrong as a child.

Again.

And I'm the only one that sees how I'm trying so hard to do it that I'm going into a nervous breakdown and hating myself because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to make any progress.

I know.

Hi guys. This is me. My wife and I have talked about it extensively.

Awesome thread.

 

[sybok]

This post reminded me of imposter syndrome. It makes sense that people on the spectrum would be over-represented in our cohort. So I took the test and sure enough...

 

[Neri]

This is a great thread, and I can relate to a great deal of it.

I was born in the early 70's in eastern Australia, and was repeatedly told things like "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all" and "I'll give you something to cry about!" which meant a wooden spoon on the butt, the back of a hair brush or an open palmed slap.

So consequently I became very, very quiet and tried to make myself invisible a lot of the time.

I remember an Ad came on tv when I was maybe 6? 7? Called "Care for kids" because child abuse was so rampant the government funded an ad campaign to address it. I remember thinking "Yeah! Why don't you adults care about kids and our feelings?".

I was so acutely aware that I felt things so much more intensely than the adults did because there is no way that they would treat us kids the way they did if they were more sensitive and aware and "emotionally intelligent".

Not that I had that language at the time; emotional intelligence was NOT a concept that was in my cultural experience for a good decade or more after childhood.

I remember jumping for joy when my brother was born, I was 9 at the time. I quickly stopped when my mother came in the room and felt a sense of shame and lack of safety. I've actually, always been pretty terrified of my mother.

I felt extreme and debilitating fear most of the time, as a child and adolescence. I read voraciously to hide and to mask and to try to understand this confusing and frightening world, because we didn't have the internet back then.
I whistled to myself and picked at my skin and hid in the library at school. But hiding was essential for survival and to stave off the overload that threatened to completely engulf me. I have spent the better part of my half century in chronic overwhelm and I'm done.

I need to find a way to help my poor over taxed brain to settle and soothe and heal and recover.

 

[grommet]

Keeping in mind that I had no idea about autism, and no idea that I could possibly be autistic, One of my biggest fears in my everyday life was being caught. I couldn't figure out what I was afraid of being caught as, though. It's not that I was doing anything bad or making mistakes that I was afraid someone would discover, it was different than that. I could never put into words what I was afraid of and the closest I came was in talking to my sister. I was trying to explain this fear and told her it was like I was afraid of being found out, like I was hiding something even though I didn't really feel like I was hiding anything. But I was afraid of people finding out the person I was or that there was something wrong with me that I was afraid other's might see.

I knew I was different and I knew I never felt like I fit anywhere in this world. I knew I had no interest in what other's did. Everyone liked the same shows - I didn't. Everyone liked the same styles - I didn't. So on and so on. The fact that I had no interest in these things didn't bother me, except I could not participate in conversations about those popular things. I was caught and questioned about rocking a few times, but I was just a little embarrassed and hadn't realized I was and really didn't know why or that I was doing it (though when I stopped I did realize it was more comforting when I did rock). Everything about me was different.

Where was this fear of being caught coming from? It was when I learned about the autism and masking that I finally knew what it was. It was being afraid of someone finding out who I was - now I can put a label on it - afraid of someone finding out I was autistic. I think that was one of the hardest things in dealing with not knowing and why I feel so strongly about diagnosing, whether it's self or professional. So no one else has to go through life hiding something that they can't even figure out what it is. I want them to know it and know to be okay with it and not live in that unknown fear. If you don't know where the fear is coming from you can't fight it. So knowing or not knowing may or may not have changed a lot of things in my life, but it would have changed living with the unknown, which is no life at all.

For me this is one of the most important posts I have read on Aspie Central.

I told a friend how sometimes at the end of a day I would feel so ashamed and guilty, really ashamed, like I had done something horrible. I felt like I had stolen something or hurt a child. Awful feeling of guilt.

But I had not done anything. I had not done anything wrong to anyone. I had not seen anyone and I had not done anything online. But I felt like a criminal. It took a long time to realize it was something like you are talking about. I was pretending not to be me all day. I was lying and lying. Everything I said or did, even alone was a lie. I was always pretending, trying to be ”normal”. I had to copy what I thought normal people were and even in my private moments I pretended and it made me sick.

Lying to myself made me sick. Every time I hid who I am and lied even to myself I was saying over and over that there was something wrong with me and that hurt me. But something else inside me also knew it wasn’t true and was mad, so I was mad at myself for pretending.

I still have the problem and my best days are when I am really myself. My depression and self-loathing just go away. The world seems different and the pressure is gone. It is like a separate life, the one I was meant to live so I feel free. But it is too hard and scary being who I really am so I start masking without noticing it, but that sick feeling comes back so I know.

Thank you for talking about it.