Want to save my relationship

[julianfoster]

Hi everyone,

I've been a long time reader of this site and finally gathered up enough courage to post something on here, as I feel that most of you here have great opinions to offer and I could use all the help I can get. I'm 38, officially diagnosed with Aspergers a few years back. I've been in a relationship for the past 5 years with a woman and things have been rocky for the last 2 years. We were engaged and planning to get married in 2011 but unfortunately I got fired from my job and we had to move everything back. During this time, I slipped into severe depression and anxiety. I was having episodes almost twice a week and the anxiety got so bad, I couldn't even talk to the pizza delivery guy. During this time, my fiancee was carrying the weight and working two jobs to help me pay for my medical bills. Through all this, I've developed a bad sense of self confidence and self esteem. For the last two years, I've been unable to perform sexually. I know this is a mental issue because the few times where we attempted sex, I could obtain an erection but couldn't sustain it for more than a few minutes. Because of this, we've not been with each other for almost 10 straight months now. And before that, it was almost 6 months. It's come to the point now that she is even afraid to change in front of me, feeling awkward to be naked. It seems that we have lost connection with each other because of the lack of intimacy and things are getting worse. I want to be with her so bad, but my fear and anxiety of being unable to perform severely cripples me. I know I have to overcome this to save our relationship. The times when I do muster up enough courage to initiate anything, the awkwardness of us not having been with each other for so long now takes over. I haven't even kissed her in the 4 months now. I'm going to lose her if I don't do something, anything, soon. If anyone has any advice or suggestions, I'd really appreciate it.

- Jules

 

[wyverary]

Wow, it certainly sounds like you are going through quite a lot.

The only advice I can give is to work on yourself as best you can. It is hard on anyone to deal with a partner whose demons are as bad as yours, which inevitably affect those closest to you.

You haven't mentioned whether or not you have sought professional help. If not, PLEASE DO! It may take a while to get in to see someone, and to find someone with whom you are a good match, but I am a big fan of psychotherapy and, when needed, medication. If nothing else, the simple act of reaching out for help might ease your fiancée's mind a bit.

If you have anything to add, please share. And be well.

wyv

 

[Ereth]

I think that helping yourself needs to come first. If your fiancee is truly as supportive as she sounds, then she will be with you as you go through the process of getting help.

Wyverary made some excellent suggestions.

 

[Jakob Burto-Sundman]

All I can say is that therapy is very important to help in this situation and very critilcal. I have a fiancee of my own. Things became so stressful she tried to kill herself. But my determination and kindness. Along with just being there for her has help us get through it. IT also took a lot of theropy on both our parts. I hope I am not rambling because I do want to help.

 

[AsheSkyler]

My mind went straight to the gutter on "non traditional" satisfying things you could do to each other. Since you both could really use some attention and nurturing, how about just start simple with some massages and rubs? Small things that are harder for awkwardness to thwart. Clothes on, off, whatever's comfortable. A date night to enjoy a dinner wherever you want, homecooked or out, cuddle on a hill and stargaze, whatever floats your boat. Heck, set a routine if you want. Every Friday night or every other night, or a bedtime ritual. Slowly get comfortable again. For a minute or an hour, have some quiet time to enjoy each other's company, catch up, tell stress to bugger off and let you both get some much needed relaxation. As you two get re-acquainted, slowly make it more physically intimate as you're comfortable. My tact is horrible and I cannot think of any G-rated way to recommend alternative ways of pleasing each other to work around your stress-induced ED, so, um... Yeah. Satisfaction is still available.

And check into meds and professionals and therapy and stuff as needed to get yourself back on track again. =)

 

[Jakob Burto-Sundman]

I hope also that my other post helped but was not too depressng.

 

[Daniel]

For the last two years, I've been unable to perform sexually. I know this is a mental issue because the few times where we attempted sex, I could obtain an erection but couldn't sustain it for more than a few minutes. Because of this, we've not been with each other for almost 10 straight months now. And before that, it was almost 6 months. It's come to the point now that she is even afraid to change in front of me, feeling awkward to be naked. It seems that we have lost connection with each other because of the lack of intimacy and things are getting worse. I want to be with her so bad, but my fear and anxiety of being unable to perform severely cripples me. I know I have to overcome this to save our relationship. The times when I do muster up enough courage to initiate anything, the awkwardness of us not having been with each other for so long now takes over. I haven't even kissed her in the 4 months now. I'm going to lose her if I don't do something, anything, soon. If anyone has any advice or suggestions, I'd really appreciate it.

I second the suggestions to seek professional help, if you can afford it, with a counselor who specializies in intimacy and sexual issues. Also--I recommend this book: "Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred" by Patrick Carnes. It's basically a step-by-step guide for dealing with what you're going through, and it's a fairly inexpensive paperback.