Want emotional connection but can't make them

[Andie Kinney]

I feel like I crave emotional connection but I am afraid to try because it never works. I feel lonely like I have no one to talk to, but I am averse to talking to people most of the time. I'm frustrated with myself because I am the reason for my lack of social support. Does anyone else experience this? How do you cope?

 

[shysnail]

Yes, I experience this almost all the time. I'm bad at making relationships, worse at maintaining them, and even those that I do, I can't make them meaningful because I don't take social risks so I don't share my actual self with people.

Talking to people online helps me. It's more restricted, I can leave whenever I need, and I can think before I say things.

 

[Andie Kinney]

Yes, I experience this almost all the time. I'm bad at making relationships, worse at maintaining them, and even those that I do, I can't make them meaningful because I don't take social risks so I don't share my actual self with people.

Talking to people online helps me. It's more restricted, I can leave whenever I need, and I can think before I say things.

I find it much easier to talk to people online. I like being able to think about what I say and having the freedom to interact or not. It's so weird to me that I seem to crave human connection and be repulsed by it at the same time.

 

[Judge]

It's so weird to me that I seem to crave human connection and be repulsed by it at the same time.

I used to think pretty much the same.

However these days I have surmised that it's just another trait of autism. A "love-hate" perspective where we can experience both at the same time.

Something often quite difficult to explain to Neurotypicals, yet not to our own kind.

You are not alone. Welcome to AF.

 

[Pinkie B]

I definitely struggle with your conundrum. I can be very superficially friendly to people and make them feel good around me, but it always leaves me feeling somewhat hollow. When I get comfortable enough with someone that I want to show my true self I experience extreme anxiety about how they will think of me and a fear of rejection and abandonment. I take it in small doses, but it feels like people keep disappearing from my life before I can get far enough along to really feel like they are friends that I can trust, relax and be honest with.

I do better in intimate relationships. It's probably just because you spend so much more time together, but there's also that feeling of certain things being un-hide-able. Like when you catch the flu and spew bodily fluids all over the toilet and your bedroom slowly becomes buried in a pile of used snot rags -- you feel like hell and you're so overwhelmed with just not dying that you paradoxically get to relax about all the social stuff. Then once it's out in the open, no sense in going back to try to pretend it didn't come out.

Most of the time, though, I don't get that far. I've spent most of my life mostly alone. I crave the company and the feeling of having a support system, but I have experienced so much surprise-hate that I am, probably reasonably so, quite cautious about getting close to people.

 

[SusanLR]

I definitely struggle with your conundrum. I can be very superficially friendly to people and make them feel good around me, but it always leaves me feeling somewhat hollow. When I get comfortable enough with someone that I want to show my true self I experience extreme anxiety about how they will think of me and a fear of rejection and abandonment

Exactly.
I call it the Asperger Conundrum!

Sometimes I feel so lonely, yet how can I relax and just be myself when I know there are things
the other will not like? That only creates anxiety.
What few times I have tried it something always comes up that it ends badly and that only reinforces
not trusting.

It's like going to visit a relative you don't know really well. While you are there, you feel you must
try to put your best act on even if it isn't being yourself.
Well, how long can you do that? Gets tiring.
That's how I see relationships.

 

[Progster]

I used to feel like that, but not so much any more. I don't have any close friends in real life apart from my partner and no longer seek them out, and most of my socialising is done online. Social events leave me feeling hollow and dissatisfied, as I don't get this emotional connection that other people seem to get. I used to go out sometimes with my partner and one or two of his friends, but what would happen was that they would talk together and connect with each other, but not with me, and I was left on the sidelines on my own, and there really wasn't any point to my being there, I was better off staying at home.

 

[Gracey]

When I withdraw, I'm able to be more relaxed in the solitude.

After a while (weeks) I experience a drive/urge to be around others. - not necessarily connecting.
It's a feeling in my gut, so to speak,
and not a thought.

I imagine it to be a bone deep, biological, survival mechanism.
We all achieve more as a social group - obtaining resources, providing protection, pro creation, identity.

I'm fortunate enough that there are others living under the same roof as me. Providing the social group thing.

Years ago, when I wasn't part of a family group, I (loosely) based interaction around interests.

Finding others who could talk the same language about a specific subject; but not each other, was connection enough for me.

I can't be rejected for being me,
If I'm not disclosing the idea of 'me' being socially awkward.

I'm demonstrating an enthusiasm, therefore confidence, for a particular topic,
Those that share a similar enthusiasm will also demonstrate it.
A type of connection may follow.?
Sorting the wheat from the chaff, in a manner of speaking.

 

[Gracey]

This reminded me of attending Mother & Toddler groups when my own children were much younger.
(pre Aspie discovery)

In hindsight, I went to socialise my own progeny and observe other mothers. (how they do 'it')

Sometimes those groups could be tolerable,
Sometimes it was an arena of comparative genetics.
Not like a bunch of scientists would debate.

But some unsure, perhaps worried (?) mothers, turning Viper and advertising their own offspring as gold standard examples of genetic brilliance but having to snipe at other Mother's and their toddlers to make their point.

One woman rubbished anothers efforts at encouraging child to use pencils and crayons for mark-making and practicing writing own name.

This particular woman had her child using pasta to write name. Any shape of pasta.
Her sycophantic followers all nodding in agreement.

Another member of the group piped up,
"He'll have to boil spaghetti for about 4 minutes before he signs his mortgage application"

(I wish I'd been quick enough to think of that)


I think I'm saying,
We all had toddlers in common, (shared interest)
I was interested in watching theory come alive.
Children practising skills and watching how they interact at that age and stage in real life.
I wasn't going to see that sitting in the house with my children.

My interest had me seeking out groups where I could witness it all.
I didn't make any real connections but that was okay.
It wasn't my purpose for attending the group.

I was socialising without having to be sociable.

 

[SunnyDay16]

If you want to make lasting emotional connections with people, you have to be open and vulnerable to them. You get what you give, basically. If you are emotionally closed off and cold, that's what people are likely going to give back to you.

It's supposed to be a process. You meet someone and make small talk with them. If they're being receptive to you, and it's not just a one-sided conversation, go from there. Small talk is a good tool in the beginning stage of getting to know somebody, but you can't actually build a close friendship with that. If they share little details about themselves and your life, you do the same. It's supposed to be a mutual thing of you being vulnerable with them, and them being vulnerable with you.

At the same time, try to keep your expectations low. Even if you do the above, it's not going to guarantee that they'll be friends with you, but it will help you develop friendships that are real. Friendships that are built solely on small talk and making the other person feel good may seem okay at first, but that's not going to be a fulfilling friendship for you in the long run.

 

[Andie Kinney]

I know how to do this, like, I know what is expected of me, but I just can't sustain it over time if it feels like I'm bothering the person or they are not interested in me.

I know how to be vulnerable but I struggle to stay open when I feel unsafe. I think I'm too vulnerable sometimes and at other times I'm closed off.

I've experienced being treated badly when others are not into what I'm doing or saying, I'm really guarded now. Me being too vulnerable at times makes it easier for others to treat me badly if they want too, experience with that too. I get the concept of relationships, but for me, its the fear of being mistreated that keeps me away.

If you want to make lasting emotional connections with people, you have to be open and vulnerable to them. You get what you give, basically. If you are emotionally closed off and cold, that's what people are likely going to give back to you.

It's supposed to be a process. You meet someone and make small talk with them. If they're being receptive to you, and it's not just a one-sided conversation, go from there. Small talk is a good tool in the beginning stage of getting to know somebody, but you can't actually build a close friendship with that. If they share little details about themselves and your life, you do the same. It's supposed to be a mutual thing of you being vulnerable with them, and them being vulnerable with you.

At the same time, try to keep your expectations low. Even if you do the above, it's not going to guarantee that they'll be friends with you, but it will help you develop friendships that are real. Friendships that are built solely on small talk and making the other person feel good may seem okay at first, but that's not going to be a fulfilling friendship for you in the long run.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I know how to do this, like, I know what is expected of me, but I just can't sustain it over time if it feels like I'm bothering the person or they are not interested in me.

I know how to be vulnerable but I struggle to stay open when I feel unsafe. I think I'm too vulnerable sometimes and at other times I'm closed off.

I've experienced being treated badly when others are not into what I'm doing or saying, I'm really guarded now. Me being too vulnerable at times makes it easier for others to treat me badly if they want too, experience with that too. I get the concept of relationships, but for me, its the fear of being mistreated that keeps me away.

It's a balance. Being too vulnerable with the wrong person can be dangerous, and I'm definitely not advocating for that. All I'm saying is that if the other person seems to be opening up to you a little, then you can reciprocate to see if they're someone you can have a deeper bond with.

Choosing what to be open about is important too. Some things are just too personal to share with other people, especially if they don't seem like the person that could handle it. That's what makes it hard for aspies to learn what's appropriate to be vulnerable about and what isn't because there's no clearly defined rules about that. It's subjective, varying from person to person and situation to situation. It's a grey area, and we aspies like things to be black and white.

 

[Pinkie B]

I was socialising without having to be sociable.

I like that. I think, to a certain extent, that's how I socialize, too.

When I was younger I used to like bouldering. I liked rock climbing in general, but I liked bouldering the best because you didn't need a lot of gear and it was social. You spent most of the time sitting on the ground in front of a route or problem staring at it and trying to figure out how to "solve" it with your own skills. People would take turns trying to send it and you could cheer each other, but you never had to look anyone else in the eye and if you talked, you could talk about the problem only and nothing else and no one thought that was weird. I used to feel most at home in the climbing gym.

 

[Running Girl]

I'm so avoidant these days, these past...20 years? I used to try really hard, and yeah, I had more friends but I also got hurt more. Now, I seem to have this unintentional, unconscious attraction to other avoidant people. So if I do reach out, call them, invite them to coffee, they come up with an excuse, or don't pick up the phone, OR the next time, they reach out to me and I'm avoidant as hell. So I have these people who allege that they want to be friends, and I allege the same thing, who like me and whom I like, but nothing really comes of it. So flippin safe!! I don't do it on purpose but it always seems to work out that way!

 

[tlc]

It's like there's something broken inside. I crave an emotional connection, but when I get it I don't know what to do with it, and I end up in a bad predicament. In the past I used to keep trying. Now I realize the cons outweigh the pros and I don't try anymore.

 

[Pinkie B]

It's like there's something broken inside. I crave an emotional connection, but when I get it I don't know what to do with it, and I end up in a bad predicament. In the past I used to keep trying. Now I realize the cons outweigh the pros and I don't try anymore.

Aw, don't give up! I know it's frustrating and hard. I deal with it, too.

I was one the verge of giving up, maybe I actually had given up, when my now boyfriend decided he was in love with me and didn't care if I was weird. My world is full of different colors now that I have him.

I guess, it's ok to stop wearing yourself out trying, but don't give up hope. Anyway, you have a tribe here, you know?

 

[paloftoon]

Truly, the only way to be social is to risk being unsafe. It's easiest and best to make these connections 1-1. It can hurt to deal with BS. So, come up with emotional strategies to offer and obtain reciprocation or to move on. I would recommend meeting people based on interest off of meetup.com. Then you have a part of interests out of the way and will possibly have something to talk about with other(s). Talk to someone about their interests. It's also important that you sometimes listen to the person and that they sometimes listen to you. If you aren't sure or they don't seem to be listening to you, excuse yourself. Start to walk away if you know you don't want to be around this person, as rude as that sounds, but if you do something like that, you better be 100% sure you don't want to be around that person to do that.

A plan could be to have a conversation, and after the conversation ends, ask them if they want to meet at a cafe to talk some more. That's one way you can gauge if they are interested or not. Offer to trade contact information and if they come up with excuses with no initiation back, that's your cue to waste no more time and just say "thank you" and walk away to another person or leave the gathering or do an activity.

 

[Michelle Espinosa]

I feel like I crave emotional connection but I am afraid to try because it never works. I feel lonely like I have no one to talk to, but I am averse to talking to people most of the time. I'm frustrated with myself because I am the reason for my lack of social support. Does anyone else experience this? How do you cope?

I have felt the same way since childhood and now I’m on the other side of life regretting only one thing about autism and that is the isolation and loneliness.

I have to point out, though, that you are not the reason for lack of social skills.

First of all, we are struggling because we are expected to function as NTs. I strongly believe our natural ways are better and were we able to live as we are we would be at peace.

The reason we are isolated is the result of a total lack of real Neurodiversity. Were the NT awareness widen and deepen and actual effort was made toward inclusion, our stories may very well be different.
These days I cope by devoting myself

 

[paloftoon]

Maybe you should consider sharing this with a counselor and then practicing some scenarios that he/she can help you come up with.

 

[Baeraad]

Hoo boy yes. Sometimes it feels like being allergic to, let's say, oxygen - I absolutely need it, and yet it hurts me terribly whenever I get it. I have to take it in in these shallow, painful gulps, constantly getting at once less than I need and more than I can stand.

I remember going to visit one of my friends for the first time, and afterward she was feeling hurt because, "well, it was obvious that you were miserable the whole time you were here." And I found it very hard to explain that I kind of was, because I was scared to death of offending her and I didn't know what to do with myself and it was all so much work - but that at the same time, I also wouldn't have missed the experience for the world, because it made me feel grounded and connected in a way that I'm always short on.

It's easier with old friends than with new ones, because you can relax more with them and you've probably arrived at a way of interacting that works the best for both of you. But of course to get old friends you have to start with new ones. And that's hard, especially since it means pushing yourself out there knowing that it's going to hurt and that there's no telling when and if it will even pay off and result in an actual connection.

The Internet is helpful, sort of. Every meaningful relationship I've ever had, even the ones with people living close to me, started out on the Internet. It's just a shame that the Internet has in itself sort of gotten increasingly toxic and anxiety-inducing.