Vent

[Bradock]

I really wish i wasn't autistic. Or at least on the spectrum.

For my whole life making friends was so easy cus i was in school. But I'd get new friends every grade never keeping up with my old friends. And now that im out of high-school i have no friends at all. I dont know how people do it they make it look so easy just taking to other people. I feel like an alien. I cant do basic things and i hate it. I cant look people in the eyes when they talk to me. My voice is so monotone i cant express myself well. I have no idea what to do in social situations so i just stand there and respond to the person and when they dont talk i just stand there. I dont understand small talk. I feel so much guilt for putting other people through the chore that is talking to me. The main reason i feel i have autism is because i cant understand people. Facial expressions or basic context.

 

[Xinyta]

It's not something that'll ever be easy. It takes practice and time to improve conversational skills. Patience is a difficult thing when it's something this uncomfortable.

Small talk is a tricky thing. I'll not deny it. There are some days where I can do it. But most days I just can't. And it's okay.

Just keep trying. There is no perfect way to fix this. And we all individually have our own ways to compensate.

 

[monkeyclogs]

I really wish i wasn't autistic. Or at least on the spectrum.

For my whole life making friends was so easy cus i was in school. But I'd get new friends every grade never keeping up with my old friends. And now that im out of high-school i have no friends at all. I dont know how people do it they make it look so easy just taking to other people. I feel like an alien. I cant do basic things and i hate it. I cant look people in the eyes when they talk to me. My voice is so monotone i cant express myself well. I have no idea what to do in social situations so i just stand there and respond to the person and when they dont talk i just stand there. I dont understand small talk. I feel so much guilt for putting other people through the chore that is talking to me. The main reason i feel i have autism is because i cant understand people. Facial expressions or basic context.

you'll find your tribe eventually, it may just take you longer than you want. Whenever I feel uncomfortable in social environments I just tell myself "well, you're clearly not my people"

My experience of school was similar to yours, constant turn over of friends, never kept in touch, always on the periphery of groups. then I spent decades thinking my various partner's social connections were my own always being confused as to why when the relationship was over those drifted too.

I think part of the problem was I was trying to be what I thought i needed to be in order to have friends.

I have a lot of social connections these days none of them have NT expectations of me and seem to appreciate the way I see the world.

As you said you wish you weren't autistic, here's the podcast episode I listen to when I feel the same way

 

[AuAL]

I have no idea what to do in social situations so i just stand there and respond to the person and when they dont talk i just stand there. I dont understand small talk.

Social talk does not have to be “small” talk. What have you heard them talk about? Is it something that interests you? No? Oh well, we can’t be friends with everyone. It was something you’re interested in? Ask them some questions about what they find interesting about it. It’s something you don’t know about? Ask them about it. Make it your goal to learn more about them. Most people will like this. You may notice a pattern in these responses - ask questions of them! If and when they indicate a common interest, you might inject little amounts of information you might know. Be careful you don’t start “info-dumping”.

I can’t look people in the eye when in one-on-one conversation either. The people worth knowing will deal with this.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I really wish i wasn't autistic. Or at least on the spectrum.

For my whole life making friends was so easy cus i was in school. But I'd get new friends every grade never keeping up with my old friends. And now that im out of high-school i have no friends at all. I dont know how people do it they make it look so easy just taking to other people. I feel like an alien. I cant do basic things and i hate it. I cant look people in the eyes when they talk to me. My voice is so monotone i cant express myself well. I have no idea what to do in social situations so i just stand there and respond to the person and when they dont talk i just stand there. I dont understand small talk. I feel so much guilt for putting other people through the chore that is talking to me. The main reason i feel i have autism is because i cant understand people. Facial expressions or basic context.

I'm 58... I totally understand. Just some advice from years of emotional and mental pain...

1. There are certain things you can change... and others you can't. Know the difference.
2. Being "someone else" is not an option... nor should it be. Best to submit to and accept who you are... embrace it... value it. Self-worth comes from the inside.
3. No one is perfect... have a sense of humor about yourself... loosen the grip on your ego.
4. Embrace life experiences... the good, bad, and ugly... as wisdom. "So... I F'd up today. What did I learn?"
5. Surprisingly... and thank God... most people don't care that you're autistic. To most people, that is not an excuse for anything. Are you a good person? Are you kind? Do you express love? Are you reliable and responsible? Will you put in a good day's work when needed?
6. Don't worry about what other people think of you... because frankly, most people are not thinking of you... so don't beat yourself up... it's all an illusion in your mind. "People pleasing" is a fool's game... you can only please some people some of the time. Let that crap go.
7. Adapt and overcome. Embrace doing things "your way".
8. Avoid putting yourself in a "dependent" or "subordinate" position. Do not give people power over you. Be your own master. If you apply for a job... it's about what you can do for them... you are doing them a favor... but you had better walk your talk if you get the job.

Focus upon being a genuinely good, kind, loving person... for yourself... not others. Outward thoughts... not inward thoughts. Better to give than to receive. Random acts of kindness will get you far in life.

 

[Xinyta]

8. Avoid putting yourself in a "dependent" or "subordinate" position. Do not give people power over you. Be your own master. If you apply for a job... it's about what you can do for them... you are doing them a favor... but you had better walk your talk if you get the job.

This is one I've fell into HARD. I've only recently started to try and put extra effort into breaking this habit.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

This is one I've fell into HARD. I've only recently started to try and put extra effort into breaking this habit.

A lot of people do. Sucks, doesn't it?!

Now you know. Wisdom. Use it.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

I rarely had friends when I was school age. I would get all excited running to my parents declaring "I have a friend!" when I would have a positive interaction. This even included one of the people from the trash truck waving back at me when they had stopped to get our trash. Often when I would get a "friend" to play with, they would be making a point of shunning me within a week or two so I guess they weren't really a friend to start with. They would have to ignore me to be friends with some popular kid or another so that is what they would do. When a supposed friend would stick around a bit longer; I wonder looking back if it was mostly to pick on me. Other kids liked to call me names sometimes and sometimes even inflicted pain. A cousin even mocked when my cat at the time, Leo, was murdered by having bug spray sprayed in his face. I would try to make friends by asking about favorite subjects and sharing science facts, but I didn't get to be around other kids like me.

 

[JayLapointe]

I really wish i wasn't autistic. Or at least on the spectrum.

For my whole life making friends was so easy cus i was in school. But I'd get new friends every grade never keeping up with my old friends. And now that im out of high-school i have no friends at all. I dont know how people do it they make it look so easy just taking to other people. I feel like an alien. I cant do basic things and i hate it. I cant look people in the eyes when they talk to me. My voice is so monotone i cant express myself well. I have no idea what to do in social situations so i just stand there and respond to the person and when they dont talk i just stand there. I dont understand small talk. I feel so much guilt for putting other people through the chore that is talking to me. The main reason i feel i have autism is because i cant understand people. Facial expressions or basic context.

That's an all too common experience one that I myself have encountered. Growing up I always had classmates as friends, like you say always a new group each year with some staying as long as they were still in the same school. Then again in college and university easy enough time making friends with classmates. But in my post school life I'll be damned if I'm able to make friends with someone who isn't a cooworker or my barber. I attribute my difficulties as well to the pain that is small talk and not getting it. Get me on a topic I'm into and I wont shut up but otherwise I never know what to say. And when a strange says "hello", I pretty much just have a mental freeze. Do I just say hello back? Do I wave, how to I wave, do I ask a follow up question, what follow up question, and it goes on like that.

I wish I had some suggestions but apart from "hope an extrovert adopts you" I don't really have any advice. I mostly just wanted to let you know your experience isn't unique, You are not alone in your difficulties.

 

[NB79]

I relate to almost everything you said.