Unsure about going non-contact with my mum

[Ruby]

Hi, I am in a situation where I am having trouble coming to an appropriate decision.

My mum is particularly nasty and has narcissistic tendencies. I feel that her negative behaviours and her predisposition to make situations about her seem more apparent as time goes on, since she bought us the property. She was very difficult to be around when I lived with her and it was detrimental to my wellbeing, but at the moment I definitely feel happier when I haven’t had much contact with her for a while.

My mum owns the property I live in. I didn’t want her to buy my sister and I a property but she insisted and often complains about sacrificing money for the property, saying that she could have kept it herself, she wants the money back, most parents don’t do this for their kids and that her mum didn’t help her get a property and blew her money instead. She will not sell until she feels she will get a good deal on the property. I am lost about what to do. I want to go no-contact with my mum. I don’t necessarily have the means to save to purchase my own property yet since a lot of money has been going towards her and the property. I find that being around her tends to be unpleasant and she often invalidates my struggles and makes it about herself.

I feel that I need to be prepared to not receive any money after the property is sold anyway because my mum as the owner gets to decide where the money goes, so I don’t want to be in contact with her for the money as it’s not my priority, I just know that there is going to have to be interaction as a renter and I don’t want things to get awkward or tense. Also, renting elsewhere may not be feasible if rent could increase at anytime to the point where it’s almost impossible to pay, especially as I wouldn’t be living with other people. I think that I could save for a deposit, but it would take a while and I don’t want to be abused for much longer.

 

[marc_101]

Have you considered a middle ground option?

So far you are considering contact versus no contact, but what about, at least in the short run, having much less contact for some time?

Can you think of a strategy that minimizes contact with her?

 

[Outdated]

Not a nice situation to be in. Personally, I would be looking for somewhere else to live. That's not exactly easy in Oz at the moment though.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

1. You've already figured out that narcissists are very talented at making your problems theirs. Note to self: This is the wrong person to interact with if you are seeking empathy, sympathy, or validation. It would be nice to have people like this wear a little sign around their neck or have something tattooed on their forehead as a reminder to us all, but we just have to keep reminding ourselves to suck it up and internalize our complaints, struggles, and feelings around people like this.
2. If she owns the property, then you owe her nothing if/when you leave. If she is using her "generosity" as a manipulative tool for guilt or to hold power over you, get out. Seriously. No good comes of this. Get a roommate or two and make some other living arrangements. She should not be your support system.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Hi Ruby, I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. Long term, you should probably try to find other living arrangements. Try to think completely objectively: How, under which circumstances, could you live somewhere else?
Also, you wrote that your mom bought for you and your sister. How does your sister deal with it? Does she currently live there too? Maybe you could look for another solution together, join forces and finances?
Being in a situation of dependence is - in my opinion - never a good place to work on a difficult relationship, especially if it's family. Maybe you don't need to cut off contact altogether (although, obviously, you're fully entitled to do that if you see it necessary). But for that you probably need to get out of this highly dependent situation, if only to give your mom less ammo to hurt you.
Although my family is nicer than what you describe, I know the feeling and struggles of dealing with stuff like that. Feel free to send a PM if you want to talk.

 

[Aspychata]

Coming here and writing out your feelings are great. Acknowledging her negative ambitions, and realizing the reality of the situation is another giant plus and shows maturity on your part. Change will come, it's you who will make it happen. Like taking a job elsewhere, finding a roommate to share a rental, find a job that allows you to live on the property. Or find a way of sustaining yourself by education or pure grit to get out of this. Sometimes, it took me being pushed to my limits to motivate me to learn a skill, pack up and move, or get out of a relationship where l didn't feel valued.

 

[Kitsuna]

I have a mother with untreated bipolar disorder and who has used things she bought for me as strings attached as well. This past fall, I talked to a therapist who backed a decision of mine to go no contact with her because like you, I felt better when I was temporarily cutting her off to figure out a plan of action. It honestly only lasted 2 months and I ultimately switched to a middle ground option that I also discussed with the therapist of enforcing boundaries on her to avoid being overstepped on. I told her she was being overbearing and I needed space, and she acknowledged that she does that to people and is working with me.

As far as her using the home to manipulate you: do what you can to go elsewhere. Things aren’t going to get better if she can lord that over you.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I would not burn bridges. Your mother is right. Land is important. Land is security. She did you a great favor in buying and securing it for you and your sister. Never forget that great deed she did for you.

I would do everything in my power to make sure the land is not sold and stays in the family. You never know what the future holds.

But if she is nasty to be around, could you buy a trailer and live on the other end of the property from her?

I'd be tempted to rent a backhoe and plow out a long driveway going the opposite direction. Tow in a trailer, set up propane hookups, and once water's figured out, you've got your own little pocket of paradise. Especially if you set up a little gate, lol.

If she's quite horrible to you, and makes you feel small, if you need to, move to town, and check in on her a few times a month to make sure the bills are paid, pump's working/well's not dry, weeds are mowed, wood is cut, electric stays on.

That's still your mom. Even if she is awful to you. Although, you should never allow someone to abuse you. But still, how old is she? How independent? For how long?

I guess the answer is distance from the abuse, but also protection for the elderly. Checking in.

 

[Ruby]

Have you considered a middle ground option?

So far you are considering contact versus no contact, but what about, at least in the short run, having much less contact for some time?

Can you think of a strategy that minimizes contact with her?

Perhaps seeing my mum with my sister &/limiting my visits/chats to half an hour might be an idea

 

[Ruby]

I have a mother with untreated bipolar disorder and who has used things she bought for me as strings attached as well. This past fall, I talked to a therapist who backed a decision of mine to go no contact with her because like you, I felt better when I was temporarily cutting her off to figure out a plan of action. It honestly only lasted 2 months and I ultimately switched to a middle ground option that I also discussed with the therapist of enforcing boundaries on her to avoid being overstepped on. I told her she was being overbearing and I needed space, and she acknowledged that she does that to people and is working with me.

As far as her using the home to manipulate you: do what you can to go elsewhere. Things aren’t going to get better if she can lord that over you.

I am very glad that your mother is working with you to better the relationship and acknowledged her downfalls. I wish you best of luck!

 

[Ruby]

Coming here and writing out your feelings are great. Acknowledging her negative ambitions, and realizing the reality of the situation is another giant plus and shows maturity on your part. Change will come, it's you who will make it happen. Like taking a job elsewhere, finding a roommate to share a rental, find a job that allows you to live on the property. Or find a way of sustaining yourself by education or pure grit to get out of this. Sometimes, it took me being pushed to my limits to motivate me to learn a skill, pack up and move, or get out of a relationship where l didn't feel valued.

For me it’s more that I don’t know the best course of action yet in order to make the change. I am getting a lot of different answers which is insightful. I have got quite a bit to lose from every situation. I’ll have to decide what I prefer or whether there’s a middle-ground

 

[Ruby]

Hi Ruby, I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. Long term, you should probably try to find other living arrangements. Try to think completely objectively: How, under which circumstances, could you live somewhere else?
Also, you wrote that your mom bought for you and your sister. How does your sister deal with it? Does she currently live there too? Maybe you could look for another solution together, join forces and finances?
Being in a situation of dependence is - in my opinion - never a good place to work on a difficult relationship, especially if it's family. Maybe you don't need to cut off contact altogether (although, obviously, you're fully entitled to do that if you see it necessary). But for that you probably need to get out of this highly dependent situation, if only to give your mom less ammo to hurt you.
Although my family is nicer than what you describe, I know the feeling and struggles of dealing with stuff like that. Feel free to send a PM if you want to talk.

I could live somewhere else as long as the rent isn’t more than $600 AUD p/w (though I would have to work more than full-time & sacrifice a lot). My problem is that I have a cat and I’m concerned that the rent could skyrocket to over $600 AUD p/w whereas rent doesn’t really change with my mum’s property (though a lot of places would be cheaper). I’m not entirely sure if my sister would rent elsewhere with me. She plans to stay on until she has enough for a deposit for a house but wants to get out ASAP.

 

[Aspychata]

Wow, maybe you could go in with your sister. Just lay down the ground rules, and determine if it's permanent or a temporary fix with her. We have a lot of people living out of cars now, due to people not able to afford rent.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I could live somewhere else as long as the rent isn’t more than $600 AUD p/w (though I would have to work more than full-time & sacrifice a lot). My problem is that I have a cat and I’m concerned that the rent could skyrocket to over $600 AUD p/w whereas rent doesn’t really change with my mum’s property (though a lot of places would be cheaper). I’m not entirely sure if my sister would rent elsewhere with me. She plans to stay on until she has enough for a deposit for a house but wants to get out ASAP.

Is it an option to look for shared housing with other people (also other than your sister, if she doesn't want to move out)? Maybe that would be cheaper?
Maybe you could stay at a friend's or other family member's place, if only temporarily?
I have no idea how things work in Australia. Maybe there's student housing, which is cheaper, and if needed you could consider signing up a minor university course to qualify for it, if enrollment is a requirement?
I'm just brainstorming for cheaper living ideas.

 

[Ruby]

Not a nice situation to be in. Personally, I would be looking for somewhere else to live. That's not exactly easy in Oz at the moment though.

Yeah, I’m afraid I’ll end up paying more that $600 a week for rent and that I have a cat

 

[Ruby]

Is it an option to look for shared housing with other people (also other than your sister, if she doesn't want to move out)? Maybe that would be cheaper?
Maybe you could stay at a friend's or other family member's place, if only temporarily?
I have no idea how things work in Australia. Maybe there's student housing, which is cheaper, and if needed you could consider signing up a minor university course to qualify for it, if enrollment is a requirement?
I'm just brainstorming for cheaper living ideas.

Thank you for your input. There is no way of knowing whether the people I live with will be kind, so I’d be concerned about living with others when ultimately I’d like to live alone. I have a cat as well. We don’t generally get along with family and my friends mainly live with their parents.

 

[Ruby]

Wow, maybe you could go in with your sister. Just lay down the ground rules, and determine if it's permanent or a temporary fix with her. We have a lot of people living out of cars now, due to people not able to afford rent.

Thank you for your input. I am concerned that I might end up paying over $600 per week in rent if it skyrockets. In this place, the rent is quite consistent.

 

[Outdated]

Yeah, I’m afraid I’ll end up paying more that $600 a week for rent and that I have a cat

Where you want to live makes a huge difference. $600/week says you live on the east coast, the most expensive real estate in the country. Western states are a lot cheaper, but if you want to live in one of the major cities you're still not going to get out of it for less than $400/week. The more rural you go the cheaper it gets.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Thank you for your input. There is no way of knowing whether the people I live with will be kind, so I’d be concerned about living with others when ultimately I’d like to live alone. I have a cat as well. We don’t generally get along with family and my friends mainly live with their parents.

I understand that. Of course, living with others is a risk. You should consider the pros and cons, and also whether living at your mom's place under these circumstances beats the risk of living with people who might not be too nice. Maybe you could ask around with your friends, maybe someone knows someone looking for a roommate. That would be a bit safer than moving in with completely unknown people.
Most people aren't generally unfriendly, tough. It's a calculable risk.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

It may help to think about why your mom bought the property. Whether it was to help or to hold over you. In the end, being true to yourself will probably lead to the best happiness.