Understanding the opposite sex

[Nisk]

Hmm I figured I'd make a post in the hope of getting a better understanding of the opposite sex, seeing as how I can be completely clueless at times.

So here's my dilemma my "wife" and me are currently separated. We seem to be communicating better then we have in years. Over the last 2 weeks she's flip flopped saying we'll never be together, we can't be together, just accept that were not together right now, I don't want you to make any plans for the future (when I mentioned getting my own place, I'm currently sleeping at my parents), I just need to work on myself right now, I still love you but right now this is for the best and other similar things.

Her actions are that she is either taking advantage of me or she doesn't really want to let go. I believe it's the latter because she isn't the type to take advantage of people knowingly. Nothing has really changed other than we're not hanging out outside of our house and I'm not sleeping there. I still go there everyday, our finances haven't changed, I help out around the house and she supports me emotionally when I've broken down. We've been together for 10 years and I feel that I know who she is, she's been holding onto some serious resentments for a longtime and recently started trying to address abuse issues from her past along with the resentments she's been feeling for the past few years.

I've never separated with a spouse before and I don't claim to understand women so it's difficult for me to truly understand what's going on at times without taking it personally, I've been addressing my issues relating to our relationship issues and feel that there's some serious progress being made on my part.

I'm just curious about some female insight on the situation or any sort of advice if people have been in a similar situation?

 

[Suzanne]

She is confused! She is feeling helpless because since you both separated, suddenly you are communicating better and so, she is thinking: doesn't this mean we are not meant to be together? But she is stuck too because she loves you and so, needs space to think things through.

What happens is when you are in the situation, sometimes you can not see the change and it takes coming out of the situation to be able to "see" more fully.

The fact she says she loves you, but needs space.

Take to heart, that things will improve!

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I like Suzanne's reply. Marriages can go through phases, especially when one partner is changing as they mature faster than the other.

I'm not the same woman my husband married. He's not the same man, either. If I'd had to cope with my own longstanding hurts and traumas after I'd met him, I suspect we would have had the same history as you're reporting. As it was, there were two very challenging times.

Needing space is not the same thing as saying it's over. It can mean that, but if you already know that there's longstanding things she's working on, it helps not have a distraction (like a close partner) muddying the waters. If the longstanding thing has to do with you, she may still need more perspective on it than she can get if she's living with you.

Other than looking at your own behavior and assessing whether you need to adjust some things, and whether or not you can adjust them, giving her room and peace and showing you care in a way that she can understand and appreciate is good. (Trouble arises if your ideas about "how I show I care" don't line up with "how she can tell you care." If she's allergic to pollen, sending flowers doesn't work.)

Hope this helps. Hang in there!

 

[Nisk]

It does. I go thru phases of missing her, and feeling like I'm being taken advantage of, accepting that it's over, anxiety from being homeless and alone and thinking that some grand romantic movie gesture would fix everything. In reality she says all she needs from me right now is support and security (financial and emotional). I've told her that as of October I'll have to reassess what's happening. I don't plan on sleeping on my parents couch forever. I see glimmers of hope but that just makes my anxiety skyrocket that things are going good and I'll do something to destroy any progress were making.

A lot of these feelings are the result of my shutting down emotionally for the last 5 years and then having feelings come crashing in on me again without warning. I have no desire to shut off my emotions again so that means dealing with these feelings.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

One of these will help.

 

[Tom]

Its futile don't you know. The day you finally understand just one single thing about a woman... they will change it.

 

[Angel123]

Sometimes us women get frustrated with ourselves/the situation/our past experiences and we end up bouncing between wanting to be on our own to sort what's going on in our heads out without inflicting it on anyone, and running to someone we trust for support and generally a safe place to be (usually this is either our partner or a really close friend). Sometimes it can be useful to ask what a woman needs right at that moment, double check that's actually what they want, and then do that. And then do the same process again the next time because what is needed changes depending on how we feel, what is going on at the time.