Two sisters, one bullying an Aspie

[Mamamewmew]

Hi All! I just joined as I don't know where to pose this question. I have tried to find answers by going online but this is a specific situation and only keep finding answers pertaining to younger people and just diagnosed situations. My 23 year old daughter is autistic and my Mom has never shown interest in trying to understand any of it, and still insists my daughter's issues are just her being stubborn or spoiled. How do I explain to my judgemental and opinionated mother (85 years old) that her sister (86 years old), most likely has autism (Asperger’s). My Mom picks on her and it has become a form of bullying - constant and especially in front of others to prove her point. My Mom does not care about how I try to point it out. She just says, “Oh, she doesn’t try hard enough” or “She is always trying to put me down”. I am extremely involved in my daughter's journey through life, read so much, we've both done counselling, always learning more, reaching out to supports, etc, etc, but even so I'm just not finding a way to explain it to Mom. It could be that she is just blocking me out, but I thought I'd try this angle.
Thank you very much for any advice and suggestions.

 

[kriss72]

Hi @Mamamewmew and welcome - it is a good question you ask, I'm not sure I have any good advice in how to deal with your mother... One thing comes to mind thou... it might be relevant or not... but I read somewhere that old people that have masked their own autism their whole life have a really hard time with other people showing autistic traits, as they don't understand why they can't suppress it (so the masking autist has spend their whole life trying all they could to mask (behave like an NT), and hence see it as a lack of will power when others can't - not realizing that autism affects us in different ways, and therefore we can't/won't all mask as much (besides it is unhealthy to try to be someone you are not)) - I know this doesn't help, and I don't know if your mother is a high-masking autist herself, and even if she was, it would probably not help in your situation. Could also be that she just don't like people being different.

I'm happy to hear that you do what you can to support your daughter, she is lucky to have you.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hi All! I just joined as I don't know where to pose this question. I have tried to find answers by going online but this is a specific situation and only keep finding answers pertaining to younger people and just diagnosed situations. My 23 year old daughter is autistic and my Mom has never shown interest in trying to understand any of it, and still insists my daughter's issues are just her being stubborn or spoiled. How do I explain to my judgemental and opinionated mother (85 years old) that her sister (86 years old), most likely has autism (Asperger’s). My Mom picks on her and it has become a form of bullying - constant and especially in front of others to prove her point. My Mom does not care about how I try to point it out. She just says, “Oh, she doesn’t try hard enough” or “She is always trying to put me down”. I am extremely involved in my daughter's journey through life, read so much, we've both done counselling, always learning more, reaching out to supports, etc, etc, but even so I'm just not finding a way to explain it to Mom. It could be that she is just blocking me out, but I thought I'd try this angle.
Thank you very much for any advice and suggestions.

In my experience, you're better off simply not mentioning their granddaughter. I mean this quite literally. Human nature. You cannot and will not change their ways of thinking. Something to be said about banging your head against a brick wall.

Autism was not a "thing" until the 1990's, at least within the public consciousness. Prior to, severe variants were simply put in psychiatric hospitals and were never heard from again, or were considered mentally retarded. The Aspergers/ASD-1/"High functioning" variants, even today, are often met with disbelief and diagnosis rejection from family members. "It's all an act." "It's one of those labels to identify with in order to receive attention and excuses from their responsibilities." "He/she's just a bad kid." "The parents are at fault." Family members will make a "moral diagnosis" based upon their cognitive biases, and NO, you will not change their minds, especially at 85-86 years old.

My family and I have parted ways because of it.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Grandma is most likely on the spectrum herself, and masking her whole life, without even knowing it.

Often the relatives that say "Oh everyone is like that. They have no excuse." are the ones that are unaware that they are autistic.

"Oh everyone is like that. They have no excuse.", can often be translated as "I learned to mask to hide the symptoms. I don't know why they haven't yet."

So, give Gramma a little empathy. Compare her to your daughter. You might see similar traits.

 

[Southern_Gentleman]

In my experience, you're better off simply not mentioning their granddaughter. I mean this quite literally. Human nature. You cannot and will not change their ways of thinking. Something to be said about banging your head against a brick wall.

Autism was not a "thing" until the 1990's, at least within the public consciousness. Prior to, severe variants were simply put in psychiatric hospitals and were never heard from again, or were considered mentally retarded. The Aspergers/ASD-1/"High functioning" variants, even today, are often met with disbelief and diagnosis rejection from family members. "It's all an act." "It's one of those labels to identify with in order to receive attention and excuses from their responsibilities." "He/she's just a bad kid." "The parents are at fault." Family members will make a "moral diagnosis" based upon their cognitive biases, and NO, you will not change their minds,...especially at 85-86 years old.

My family and I have parted ways because of it.

Agreed. Sometimes it's best to separate one's self from toxic people. It's not easy but the long term benefits are great.

 

[marc_101]

It's hard to change people at that age. Perhaps it's easier to work issue by issue. Like telling your mom that your daughter likes x, but not y, and so on without mentioning autism.

 

[Aspychata]

You simply tell her, it's not appropriate to bully a family member. Sometimes you need to tell it like it is. Like - when is it appropriate for you to do this to her? It's not, stop doing it. Then you just keep repeating the message until it finally hits home, it's called the broken record technique. She has been doing this for years, it's a emeshment pattern that will take time to break. I would limit my daughter's contact with her grandmother, since she may bully her also. She needs to have consequences for her behavior, l don't care how old she is.

 

[Mamamewmew]

Hi All! I just joined as I don't know where to pose this question. I have tried to find answers by going online but this is a specific situation and only keep finding answers pertaining to younger people and just diagnosed situations. My 23 year old daughter is autistic and my Mom has never shown interest in trying to understand any of it, and still insists my daughter's issues are just her being stubborn or spoiled. How do I explain to my judgemental and opinionated mother (85 years old) that her sister (86 years old), most likely has autism (Asperger’s). My Mom picks on her and it has become a form of bullying - constant and especially in front of others to prove her point. My Mom does not care about how I try to point it out. She just says, “Oh, she doesn’t try hard enough” or “She is always trying to put me down”. I am extremely involved in my daughter's journey through life, read so much, we've both done counselling, always learning more, reaching out to supports, etc, etc, but even so I'm just not finding a way to explain it to Mom. It could be that she is just blocking me out, but I thought I'd try this angle.
Thank you very much for any advice and suggestions.

Thank you to all who have replied. I like the answer that bullying at any time is just not acceptable. I was worried about speaking up and it impacting my own relationship with my Mom, but that would be on my Mom. Then again, if she has autism (has been masking) it could cause her great distress. The responses have been great and I am so appreciative. Thank you! I will sign off for now, but I will be glad to pop on here and there to inform myself more of the great insights that those with autism are sharing from their own experiences and world view, as that is vital information to use as a tool with/for my daughter. Super hugs to all! Virtual hugs of course as I understand about touch being an issue for many. My daughter hasn't allowed me to hug or touch her in 12 years and so now we give "virtual hugs" and it makes us both happy.