Trust issues

[Momo]

Is it just me or is it really hard to trust people? Most of the people I've trusted have either betrayed me, left, or turned out to be someone I didn't think they were. I don't know if this is a bad thing and if I should work on my trust, I was wondering if anyone had some tips for this.
Thanks for your input.

 

[Streetwise]

for me its about controlling anger or sometimes the fight response, i offend too easily
and now i try to remember to wait til i stop panicking to decide what to do
iam not profound or saintly

 

[Streetwise]

everything changed for me when my mam became paralysed and worse when she died
my problem with trust is im still trying to live in the world of the toddler pre epiphany that life ISNT blissful

i realised people cant do all the things for me that i find stressful

 

[Jet Weiss]

I feel the exact same way, I don't know if it is because of my messed up family situation or if it is because I am bullied so much, or both, but I don't trust anyone IRL.
I am not sure if any advice I could give on this topic would be effective as I am still trying to work on this issue myself.

 

[The Penguin]

Yes and also learn family can't be trusted either. I'm super strict on trust now and if new people in my life don't show good character of trust in the beginning, I will drop them. I'm not tolerating their crap anymore!

 

[Keigan]

How would you define trust?

What kinds of things would you do with someone you trust vs. someone you don't trust?

How do you recognize that someone has broken that trust?

 

[Momo]

How would you define trust?

What kinds of things would you do with someone you trust vs. someone you don't trust?

How do you recognize that someone has broken that trust?

Such philosophy. I would say someone has broken your trust when they have broken a promise or betrayed you in such a way you could never forgive them. As for what I'd do if I trusted someone over if I didn't, I would share my thoughts, feeling and so on, without the fear of being rejected. I would define trust as having faith in someone to listen to you and not wrong you.

 

[FreeDiver]

Here is one golden rule that anyone that is on the spectrum needs to remember. TRUST NOBODY! Trust is a luxury that you can never afford. That said. I am not trying to say that you need to be paranoid, just cautious. Not being able to read social cues and a desperate need to make friends can cause you to let your guard down at the wrong time easily.

 

[Keigan]

Such philosophy. I would define trust as having faith in someone to listen to you and not wrong you.

I think they are great questions, as there are many individuals who gain from the perspectives of others.

Great definition of trust! To myself - Trust does require taking that step forward to be open within boundaries, it is respecting those boundaries that identifies that trust may be there or may have been broken. It is always important to define your boundaries and not assume that a person will have the same definition or boundaries.

If we don't communicate our boundaries, then we set ourselves up for a let down.

 

[xudo]

I used to be pretty naive and trust people probably too easily. Then throughout my teens people treated me exactly as described in the OP. Now I'm sceptical of everyone new and I don't bother to get too close to people either. It works out well for me because I've come to the realisation that I'm not actually bothered about having a tonne of friends, and all that time I spent in my teens trying to make friends was more to do with the fact that it was 'the done thing'.

 

[WereBear]

I studied body language and voice tones.

Now, it is unusual for me to not know people's true motives. I may have sensory issues and I'm on the Autism Spectrum, but that also means we can (if trained!) pick up a lot more information than NTs can.

We can use that to our advantage.

 

[WereBear]

I used to be pretty naive and trust people probably too easily. Then throughout my teens people treated me exactly as described in the OP. Now I'm sceptical of everyone new and I don't bother to get too close to people either. It works out well for me because I've come to the realisation that I'm not actually bothered about having a tonne of friends, and all that time I spent in my teens trying to make friends was more to do with the fact that it was 'the done thing'.

Quality not quantity.

 

[LogicalMind]

How about joining a group in your area you can connect with...chess club? nerd convention? Baptist/Church of Christ religious community?

Might be easier to find people to trust from there... I know the majority of people I have ever trusted in my life...were in those two religious subgroups...simply because whenever I told them they were wrong... they took it seriously and humbled themselves back...when I asked for help they gave...

Cool guys are a$holes...but merciful kind people who dont care about public opinion...maybe they can be trusted...because they believe in objective ethics...

 

[Judge]

I don't know if this is a bad thing and if I should work on my trust, I was wondering if anyone had some tips for this.Thanks for your input.

Having a lack of trust in others more often has served me as an asset than a liability.

Sad perhaps, but it is what it is.

 

[LogicalMind]

if you are able to learn how to be self-reliant it is a strength...after that...find people who are good, innocent, just, reliable people...they will complement you

 

[illogical]

Is it just me or is it really hard to trust people? Most of the people I've trusted have either betrayed me, left, or turned out to be someone I didn't think they were. I don't know if this is a bad thing and if I should work on my trust, I was wondering if anyone had some tips for this.
Thanks for your input.

I have this issue too. My wife and I fight a lot because of this. She has done NOTHING to make me feel like I can't trust her. Been the damage is done from the past. I don't know how to heal the scars away. Bless her for dealing with me. I love her so much.

 

[WereBear]

Trust doesn't have to be a feeling. That is not reliable, as @illogical notes above; it can be a trauma from the past triggering without any logical reason.

I have found that tempering my romantic or friendship feelings with actual feedback from the person works the best for me. If I get a "melty eyed" look from them, or they spontaneously do something nice and ask for nothing in return; if they do not urge me to do things that are good for them and not for me; how they act when I don't agree, and many many more things can happen, and then be analyzed.

I'm not the sap I used to be because I keep track of these things the same way I would play a game or evaluate a cat in the shelter or see if a certain car appeals to me when I drive it. It doesn't have to be mysterious if we pay attention to the little things and let them add, or subtract, in our head.

 

[illogical]

I studied body language and voice tones.

Now, it is unusual for me to not know people's true motives. I may have sensory issues and I'm on the Autism Spectrum, but that also means we can (if trained!) pick up a lot more information than NTs can.

We can use that to our advantage.

Yes! This is absolutely true. Some of us on the spectrum can study social cues. I have done it enough and "experimented" with social engineering, if you will, enough to now be able to strategize and control my conversations for the most part. A bit like those choose your own ending books.

When we are able to learn to strategize and understand which emotion to use in response to social interaction, it makes it seem easier to interact with nts. I don't want this to sound like sociopathy. You still have emotions as an austistic person, goodness lol.

I still have many moments in which I get confused and overwhelmed. My oversensory processors certainly don't help with physical things. But again, I stress, people are going to accept what you present to them. For the most part.
I am diagnosed autism, but because I have taught myself how to build conversations, most people do not notice, unless they hang around me ALL the time. Haha.

I am certainly not saying it's fool proof, but you have more control of social interaction which is simply unnatural to us, when time is taken to practice. I also reverse normal conversation when I'm by myself, as a lot of spectrumites do. It would look to some as if I am talking to myself or an invisible person.

I have saved my ass over and over doing this while pretending to be on the phone when I don't want to talk to anyone, but just have a conversation with myself and answer out loud to what I'm thinking in my mind.

I'm insane.

 

[illogical]

Yes! This is absolutely true. Some of us on the spectrum can study social cues. I have done it enough and "experimented" with social engineering, if you will, enough to now be able to strategize and control my conversations for the most part. A bit like those choose your own ending books.

When we are able to learn to strategize and understand which emotion to use in response to social interaction, it makes it seem easier to interact with nts. I don't want this to sound like sociopathy. You still have emotions as an austistic person, goodness lol.

I still have many moments in which I get confused and overwhelmed. My oversensory processors certainly don't help with physical things. But again, I stress, people are going to accept what you present to them. For the most part.
I am diagnosed autism, but because I have taught myself how to build conversations, most people do not notice, unless they hang around me ALL the time. Haha.

I am certainly not saying it's fool proof, but you have more control of social interaction which is simply unnatural to us, when time is taken to practice. I also reverse normal conversation when I'm by myself, as a lot of spectrumites do. It would look to some as if I am talking to myself or an invisible person.

I have saved my ass over and over doing this while pretending to be on the phone when I don't want to talk to anyone, but just have a conversation with myself and answer out loud to what I'm thinking in my mind.

I'm insane.

Also want to add, with this same strategy, I have appplied it to my mistrust issues as a way to gather info to make the decision to trust or not trust said (add noun/situation here). It's a tactic to see if someone is bullshitting. Again it's not one hundred percent, but it's something I've succeeded doing more than a few times. Definitely can use it with kids too.

 

[Hidell]

In how far does trust, for an aspie, relate to the need for people and the tendency to loneliness?
I have struggled with trust for a long time but now I am doubting the need to work on this.
I never get lonely and dont feel the need for people, so what would be the gains of developing a 'healthy' trust in people when the downside of the lack of trust doesnt seem to exist for me personally.
I have a full and rich life of learning and personal evolution, and none of those things involve the input of anyone else on a personal level. In fact the people I have known couldnt give two figs for any of my own interests and only work against them as they feel threatened by my lack of social dependence.
My own autistic tendency to dissociate myself from people - maybe that is the thing I should trust in.
Thats my thoughts.