Troubles in my NT/AS relationship..I am the problem!

[sixshot]

I'm not angry that she didn't respond to my efforts. I'm angry the way she acted when she did something wrong..
Something I felt she did wrong.

I'm upset she didn't respond to my apology. I didn't apologies expecting praise. I apologies because I sincerely felt bad for the way I acted out my pain.
The severity of it was I raised my voice and wouldn't let her sleep till we sorted the fight out. I kept pulling the blanket off her when she was ignoring me.
That was wrong of me and rude.
I should have respected her right to want space.
That's why I apologies.
What angers me is when she went off behind my back with her old **** buddy she didn't make much of an effort to apologize at all. But when I mess up I feel my efforts don't matter. The fight started because she texted her ex behind my back despite saying she was sorry for flirting with and meeting that other guy behind my back. She should have told me first she wanted to text her ex and I'd have understood. I do feel entitled to some sort of acknowledgement due to everything she's done and never apologized or made efforts to rectify them.
But when it's me it's like the end of the world.

Again I'm not upset at her for not responding to my apology.

She did respond. I messaged her saying I hope she is okay. And are we breaking up. She said "I think so"

I said I don't want to that I want to talk about it. She said she wants time to think about it..which to me means she's going to leave me anyway but she wants to wait.

So I felt maybe I should break up with her tonight when she drops off my work keys.

That will be a shock to her considering she knows I want to fix things.

If I break up with her she might realize she's lost something good.

No that is not manipulation. She said I'm an amazing person but our relationship already has problems. So me breaking up with her might give her a shock of realization about her own actions.

I'm sorry I've come across as angry and manipulative towards her.
I am upset.

She's done a bit to hurt me so I believe my hurt is justified.

 

[Tia Maria]

I am going to start off by replying to your comment first as this bothered me quite a bit



I agree and I am totally blind to my tone and the way I come across but you repeated what I already said and know




Not once did I ever say in my OP that I demanded anything, nor was I spying.
She messed up by going and seeing an old **** buddy behind my back and flirting with him in texts I found out because I was getting my mobile number out of her phone and I saw a message that was open that looked suss so I checked it and saw that it got worse and worse..I wasn't spying I was doing something innocent and in that process I discovered her wrong doings. How dare you make excuses for cheating behaviour.






You sound like you've been hurt in the past...even borderline misandristic. I do no such thing. In fact I put up with a lot of ****, I let her do what she wants and I havent forced her to delete anyone from Facebook or any of the photos she has of her ex. I told her it bothers me and never once tried to force her to do anything. You are quite rude and I would appreciate if you didnt comment on anything else of mine unless you have something productive to say. Your comment had no truth in it what so ever.
Thank you

If you read & comprehended Aspergirl4hire's complete post including the introduction, with an open heart & mind, you would have seen that she offered her opinions & insight gently, & clearly as a different perspective. Her message may have not been what you wanted to hear so it may have disappointed or even stung slightly, but it was in no way a verbal attack. And it was given as something for you to just think about & consider. If you are a regular reader of AC you would also know that Aspergirl4hire is a very intelligent, educated, deep thinking & extremely insightful person who provides very worthwhile input to discussions on varied topics. You would also know that she never seeks to hurt or offend. Separately, she has a happy, longterm AS/NT marriage so any relationship advice she offers comes with that credibility behind it. I personally am in a happy longterm NT/NT marriage. (One quick tip, never place weight on relationship advice given by people who do not have any relationship experience.)

Anyway, your reply to Aspergirl4hire was quite offensive, aggressive & nasty. It bordered on misogynistic. I am not giving you a hard time because of how inappropriately you replied to Aspergirl4hire, but because I think you would benefit from seeing how your reaction & response was very close minded, & that of a bully versus a gentleman. Ironically that was kind of the original point, that some of your behavior sounds overly aggressive (in your face, cornering). And I can assure you that no NT girl or woman likes a man with those personality traits.

Two wrongs do not make a right, so I am not excusing the things your gf did which were unacceptable. As it stands you two are incompatible & the relationship is not working well. Based on everything you wrote about your relationship & the interactions between you, it does not seem as if there is enough common ground, or shared interest in making things work. Although you will miss her & it is hard to let go, I don't think you are right for each other. Break ups are always sad so condolences if that is how things go.

In the future, when you are calmer & less sensitive about all this, why don't you revisit this thread & give some thought ... in an open minded less critical way .... to some of the other comments (& your subject reply). You are not to blame for the decline or possible failure of this relationship, BUT you still might find some things you want to work on (for yourself) & your own future.

 

[sixshot]

Sorry but she was quite rude. Making assumptions based on nothing but her own past.
I find it quite offensive because I've done nothing but kept my mouth shut and done what my gf has wanted. I've never been controlling nor have I ever snooped. What she said was grossly rude. She had no right so I stand by what I said. I don't care if you don't agree but you're not me. She didn't say those things to you.

 

[Tia Maria]

I'm not angry that she didn't respond to my efforts. I'm angry the way she acted when she did something wrong..
Something I felt she did wrong.

I'm upset she didn't respond to my apology. I didn't apologies expecting praise. I apologies because I sincerely felt bad for the way I acted out my pain.
The severity of it was I raised my voice and wouldn't let her sleep till we sorted the fight out. I kept pulling the blanket off her when she was ignoring me.
That was wrong of me and rude.
I should have respected her right to want space.
That's why I apologies.
What angers me is when she went off behind my back with her old **** buddy she didn't make much of an effort to apologize at all. But when I mess up I feel my efforts don't matter. The fight started because she texted her ex behind my back despite saying she was sorry for flirting with and meeting that other guy behind my back. She should have told me first she wanted to text her ex and I'd have understood. I do feel entitled to some sort of acknowledgement due to everything she's done and never apologized or made efforts to rectify them.
But when it's me it's like the end of the world.

Again I'm not upset at her for not responding to my apology.

She did respond. I messaged her saying I hope she is okay. And are we breaking up. She said "I think so"

I said I don't want to that I want to talk about it. She said she wants time to think about it..which to me means she's going to leave me anyway but she wants to wait.

So I felt maybe I should break up with her tonight when she drops off my work keys.

That will be a shock to her considering she knows I want to fix things.

If I break up with her she might realize she's lost something good.

No that is not manipulation. She said I'm an amazing person but our relationship already has problems. So me breaking up with her might give her a shock of realization about her own actions.

I'm sorry I've come across as angry and manipulative towards her.
I am upset.

She's done a bit to hurt me so I believe my hurt is justified.

I understand, & I am sorry you are hurting so much. Some relationships just do not work no matter how much one person tries or wants things to work out. That is very sad & hurts a lot. A person needs to learn the balance between being giving & loving, accepting etc ... BEING the right person, yet NOT tolerating poor treatment or boundary violations from others ... & learning how to respond appropriately & in a healthy mature way to someone else's bad behavior. Your feelings & your hurt are totally legitimate. If things do not work out with this gf, as much as it may feel like the end of the world, you WILL survive & you WILL get over it. And although I think (just my personal opinion) there are probably some things you could work on, that is NOT the reason for your break-up. It is probably more the reason for your reactions & even your attachment to someone who has lied & does not make you feel secure. Your gf does not seem as dedicated to working things through & every successful relationship requires BOTH partners to compromise & give etc ... She may just not be a good match for you, as you may not be for her.

That is based on the information in this discussion. But you can wait & see, or break up with her if you think that is best. Just try not to have any expectations so you are not let down .... & maybe try to start focusing on yourself.

 

[Christopher Nicholson]

You said you have been together 4 months? If you have had some serious fights in 4 months of being together than this relationship was not ment to be.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

This is just me. If I'm in a relationship, my Hunny better not be spending time with his "ex's" unless they have been married then divorced and have kids together and need to speak to each other because of the kids.If you think your ex's are so great that you want to spend time with them than with your current Hunny, then stop playing games and go back to your ex.

You know, I'm not done. This is a sore spot for me. I know for myself if I went out with someone and had feelings for that person and a past with them, I sure as heck couldn't just go from a relationship with them back to a friendship. There are still feelings there that could be rekindled - especially if we are still both single. Take what's going on in this scenario we are all talking about - she's got what he called "flirty" texts with her ex's and her seeing her ex's when they have had a fight. If a person isn't paranoid that their partner is cheating with that kind of stuff going on then you need some psychiatric help because you're totally in denial. Me? I'd cut her off so quick she's never see it coming and I'd never look back. I'm tired of seeing Aspies settle for relationships they shouldn't be in just because they don't have any alternatives. Believe me when I say that being alone could not be worse than being with someone that doesn't want you.

 

[Tia Maria]

sixshot, I just wanted to clarify. A relationship where your partner does something hurtful & "wrong" then does not appropriately or effectively apologize, does not demonstrate appropriate concern or genuine remorse for hurting their partner's feelings &/or betraying their trust, does not make amends, ignores their partner in response (aka gives them the 'silent treatment' as a form of punishment intended to control or hurt versus legitimately needing or desiring some 'space' for a cooling off period), & also flirts with people of the opposite sex including but not limited to ex's ..... is NOT a good relationship, & treating a partner that way is unacceptable. You definitely do not deserve any of that.

 

[Naturalist]

...she thinks my asperges isn't fair on her because I have 'excuses' and she needs to learn to give me 'special treatment'

I think that bothers her but she doesn't get that it's not excuses or special treatment.

I get this from some of my family and even my husband, with the twist "it's just a lame excuse and I refuse to give you special treatment". (I found out about my Aspergers after several years of marriage) It's not fun to have to explain myself all the time and then have my explanations treated as excuses. I don't think I would choose that kind of relationship now, if I weren't already committed. When I was younger I was anxious about being alone forever but now I wish I had more time alone, because I could be myself more. I understand your confusion though, because when my husband and I are talking about shared interests we get along really well, and it's very enjoyable. I just don't like that I can't predict whether I am going to get that relationship, or the critical unaccomodating one. It's really exhausting and stressful. My advice is to hold out for someone more stable and predictable, at least with respect to the relationship. Easier said than done, I know...

 

[Christopher Nicholson]

Ok. Enough is enough.

1. 4 months and you are fighting = relationship is over

2. Her ex which you didn't say how long she was with him, contacts her saying his father has cancer. What is her option? She has been with you a mere 4 months. I have a half eaten bag of chips that I just threw away that was older than 4 months. "I can't talk to you about your dieing father"

3. You demand that she treat you special because of asperger's. This is being said on this Web site to incite people in my opinion. People don't even hold the door for others today, and you want to demand rules and fight as you go along? You want to do it like this I suggest first date explain all your issues up front. If I was in an argument with someone and at every turn they said "my anxiety " or "my last boy friend said the word lazy fat cat on the chair now you can't say it because it reminds me of him" it would drive me nuts and out the door.

4. She is going to Bali and her ex is going to be there? I will predict the future. You will fight and fight and she will leave on bad terms. You will try to contact her and it will be nearly impossible and you will have a hard time sleeping. Finally she will call and you will get mad, then apologize then get mad and end the conversation on bad terms.

My suggestion? 1 of 2. You either end the relationship and save your self some fighting and sleepless nights or you change your ways. When you feel your "asperger's" come up you learn to identify what it is. You don't demand special treatment, maybe she has anxiety, perhaps there are things you BOTH can change. I stress BOTH because that's what an adult relationship is and if you can't make an effort than you are not ready for a relationship.

If people are mad about what I have said feel free to private message me, make complaints or whatever. The idea that people should walk on eggshells around us is silly. I am an aspie! Treat me different and let me be a jerk! Ummm...No.

 

[sixshot]

Ok. Enough is enough.

1. 4 months and you are fighting = relationship is over

2. Her ex which you didn't say how long she was with him, contacts her saying his father has cancer. What is her option? She has been with you a mere 4 months. I have a half eaten bag of chips that I just threw away that was older than 4 months. "I can't talk to you about your dieing father"

3. You demand that she treat you special because of asperger's. This is being said on this Web site to incite people in my opinion. People don't even hold the door for others today, and you want to demand rules and fight as you go along? You want to do it like this I suggest first date explain all your issues up front. If I was in an argument with someone and at every turn they said "my anxiety " or "my last boy friend said the word lazy fat cat on the chair now you can't say it because it reminds me of him" it would drive me nuts and out the door.

4. She is going to Bali and her ex is going to be there? I will predict the future. You will fight and fight and she will leave on bad terms. You will try to contact her and it will be nearly impossible and you will have a hard time sleeping. Finally she will call and you will get mad, then apologize then get mad and end the conversation on bad terms.

My suggestion? 1 of 2. You either end the relationship and save your self some fighting and sleepless nights or you change your ways. When you feel your "asperger's" come up you learn to identify what it is. You don't demand special treatment, maybe she has anxiety, perhaps there are things you BOTH can change. I stress BOTH because that's what an adult relationship is and if you can't make an effort than you are not ready for a relationship.

If people are mad about what I have said feel free to private message me, make complaints or whatever. The idea that people should walk on eggshells around us is silly. I am an aspie! Treat me different and let me be a jerk! Ummm...No.

You're an absolute idiot. Where did I ever say I want special treatment. I said I feel that I'm a burden. But people with aspergers do need special treatment. This message woke me up and was the dumbest I've read. Haven't even read the others yet. You took everything I said and made your own out of it. I think you didn't even read it. Get your eyes checked before commenting.

1. Don't be rude when someone's asking for help.
2. Don't assume things
3. Don't create your own stories with someone else's.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

Christopher made some good points.
I'll attempt to translate and integrate a couple ideas but may be wrong on some counts, and include some of my own thoughts.

Four months is not enough to stay in such a tumultuous relationship. There is nothing holding this relationship together but the excitement of the fighting and the passion created when you make up. I'm not diminishing the feelings created by that- they are strong and are legitimate in their own right. However, that's not "love" and that's not think about your emotions.

You can't base a relationship purely on passion because past four months, eight months, a year- you both burn out and hate each other and it's worse for both of you in the long run. You turn around and wish you had ended it way sooner. This is how we develop poor patterns in our relationships generally. It's not tenacity to stick out what we know is bad for us, it's just not good self care.

You are definitely displaying some jealousy here, but we are likely missing some of the picture. But... be real here. You guys fight all the time. If you didn't fight all the time, you'd probably be less likely to view her texting/talking to her ex as suspicious, she would be more likely to casually bring it up than feel she'd have to hide it. Shoulda woulda coulda- but that's not the nature of your relationship. So you both are fighting a whole lot and haven't built up a lot of trust, so assume bad things a lot of the time. I feel like that makes some kind of sense, in that I can sort of see why it might happen in the given situation... but that doesn't mean it's "ok". Again, why stay in a situation like that?

I do get the feeling that you put your needs regarding your asperger's above the needs of the relationship. There is this idea that you give 60% and expect 40%, and that can make a good healthy relationship. Being on the spectrum, we can't always give 60% or give it in an expected way... but we can give what we can in unexpected ways and there are times when we can give way more. I don't get the feeling that you are put the health of the relationship first- simply that you need to be accomodated. I also get the feeling that she doesn't see relationships like something that needs to be nurtured.

If you want a relationship that will accomodate the issues you experience due to asperger's, that situation can exist. It's not common and a lot of people will balk at it, causing the kind of strife you are experiencing now. BUT- "there's someone for everyone" and I'm sure you can find someone who will complement you and whom you will complement just fine.

Be open to what people say. If you don't like how they say it, or even what they say consider that they may still have a good point in the midst of what is pissing you off. Telling people they are idiots is a bad bad way to bridge a gap. There are all kinds of ways to respond to things that you don't like or that make you angry or that you find completely wrong. The response above was not the best example. You choose how you deal with the world.

You're an absolute idiot. Where did I ever say I want special treatment. I said I feel that I'm a burden. But people with aspergers do need special treatment. This message woke me up and was the dumbest I've read. Haven't even read the others yet. You took everything I said and made your own out of it. I think you didn't even read it. Get your eyes checked before commenting.

1. Don't be rude when someone's asking for help.
2. Don't assume things
3. Don't create your own stories with someone else's.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

You're an absolute idiot

Stop with the name calling please. It's not necessary.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I think you should end the relationship at this time. To me it looks like you should take some time and "find yourself". Get to know about your Asperger's more and what you will need from someone before even entering into a relationship. It sounds like you do want someone who will be more considerate towards your Asperger's and make certain allowances. This isn't wrong, it's just how you have decided to approach your Asperger's. Some Aspies prefer not to have any "special treatment" and that's why you're clashing with some personalities here. I suggest reading up on some Asperger books and also knowing a little about NT women. Maybe a relationship with another Asperger person would be for you.

 

[Christopher Nicholson]

I am an idoit. I have been where you are more than once and didn't learn from my mistakes. The more time and effort you put into this the worse the outcome.

Break it off and at the same time get a new cool hobby. In 30 days you will feel better and realize arguing all the time was not worth it and having someone treat you this way was not worth it.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I am an idoit. I have been where you are more than once and didn't learn from my mistakes. The more time and effort you put into this the worse the outcome.

Break it off and at the same time get a new cool hobby. In 30 days you will feel better and realize arguing all the time was not worth it and having someone treat you this way was not worth it.

I don't think you're an idiot at all.