Tried To Make Friends, Told To Get Lost, Basically

[thejuice]

I'm sorry you were asked to leave and that you felt dejected. I honestly wouldn't dwell on it, not the ending anyways.

My impression is that last new person to join in, the one that ultimately asked you to leave is the issue here. Sounds like they don't take kindly to strangers and some people are like that. It also sounds like she's they type that doesn't care about the group and only how she feels and it's apparent she didn't like you because she made the group bend to her will. As the wise poet Marley put it "you can't please all the people all the time". To me if you'd spent what sounds like a good amount of time with the group without issues until that last person arrived, the last person is the issue not you. A group being made uncomfortable by a person does not play games with them and give them cookies and cake.

While the encounter may not have ended the best I'd still take it as a mostly positive experience. You got out of your comfort zone, you interacted with a group of strangers and for a time had fun. It was only that last member that ruined it. Not all interactions are going to end in making a new life long friend. But you got some good experience and you know you can at the very least now approach a group and it won't instantly go bad.

So my advice, don't analyze to paralyze yourself with the end result. Just focus on the good part of that interaction because you did have some fun. And all you can really do is hope the next time goes better.

You might be on to something there, the late girl was group leader. It doesn't explain the girl crying that was the first to greet him. Perhaps the more assertive one took it upon themselves to express what the crying one was feeling on their behalf? Or it was unrelated and she was just was not open to any newcomers.

The boy girl split seems like a clue.

 

[DrBadStrings]

You might be on to something there, the late girl was group leader. It doesn't explain the girl crying that was the first to greet him. Perhaps the more assertive one took it upon themselves to express what the crying one was feeling on their behalf? Or it was unrelated and she was just was not open to any newcomers.

The boy girl split seems like a clue.

I'm thinking with that last girl that there are some folks out there that dislike "others" rather intensely so a stranger is never going to sit well. And then too, even if the group wasn't aware of the autism plenty of studies show that NT's do pick up on ND's unconsciously and typically it's off putting. There is a cognitive bias against the other.

Then add that one of them was crying having an issue the late girl probably just figured "ok it's time defend the group anyone not part of the group needs to go". When in doubt hunker down sort of deal.

 

[Captain Caveman]

Not wanting to distract from the thread, but I have not really had the problem when it comes to meeting others...
What I mean is, if I haf to attend a small group of people, I sould be able to do this and due to nurves, I can often be the first person to talk.
BUT where I found the issues came, is that though I would initially be included, later I would find myself excluded and there would be no logical reason for this as I would be better behaved and politer than the rest... But somehow would end up being considered an outsider from the rest of the group.
Example. When I was in my early 20's I spent half a year onthe Princes Trust course and there were around 13 of us though one later dropped out due to his personal circumstances.
The first few weeks I was accepted but then as time went on, I became that member with technical skills that went off and did my own thing to bring things back to the group for all our benefit rather than being a "Team player" as part of the group itself.
I was one that the others would not include if they decided to meet up... In fact, every year they would have a get together party and I would get the "Princes Trust" invites, but I refused to go. Why?
Well. Give you an example. One young lady in the group actually lived several fields away from where I lived in a rural area which had a footpath going past her house through her Fathers land. The road system was such that one had to drive a few miles into the village below the hill, and then to the next village where she was in the rural area within that villages boundary...
But as she lived near, a few years later I went to get in touch. While she was polite enough over the phone, I could tell she didn't want to be in touch so I left it and never did want to go back to meet any of the others in the group, not that I am against them, but experience has shown me not to bother as if I did try to bother they would want to exclude me, so I don't even try.
Now if I knew why people treated me like this, I would know how to fit in, but I don't so I don't try.

The only places I found that I do fit in is in groups involving something I am good at such as a special interest because the interest would be the common connection. Remove that interest and I would have no connection.

Like I said. It is NOT that I am not friendly. It is not that I have not tried. But somehow...
Yet if I meet someone online or offline who I knew from the past, they would be wanting to know everything how my life has been etc. BUT if I give my telephone number to contact again, they never ring, so I give up making the effort.

I know that the people who are really worth it in life come to me. These are the gems! But unfortunately, these people, like gems, are rare!
One day I hope to have lots of gems as friends! At the moment... I only know a few!

(In the past, (More than once) I decided to delete everybody from my mobile phone list, and then only add the ones who wanted to get in touch with me. I then changed phone number and gave these few my new number, and have done this two or three times since then. This is where one ends up with gems!

 

[Aspychata]

Groups of people act in unison, there are unwritten rules of group psychology. This maybe a very close knit group that would have never let the OP in a more committed type of connection that obviously the OP seeks. l am not going to place blame on anyone in the group, however, group dynamics do exist in reality even if we choose to deny this. It feels unrealistic to double back and ascertain exactly what happened. The girl could have cried, because she was having a bad day, the OP may have reminded her of someone, she may have been dealing with a financial issue, the reasons could be endless and may have nothing to do with the OP at all.
The realitiy is you can't expect any group to just accept you, that's how society works in general.

 

[Boogs]

@The Artistic Autistic
Group dynamics are complex and subtle, and even for people in the group it can be hard to define, for autistic people this can be a nightmare to navigate. Even if you met someone from the group and they explained it later, they may not have the whole story either.

Something that I picked up on was that the girl insisted on speaking with you alone. Why would that be? She didn't seem concerned as to how you would take it, didn't appear to need to soften the blow, so why the need to speak privately about something she claimed involved the whole group and was agreed on by all of them?
And how had she gained this knowledge, after so recently arriving? Did she go around the group canvasing their opinions? How would she even know there was anything wrong with respect to you if she'd just arrived?

The whole thing sounds rather contrived. Sometimes when a member of a group has done wrong, no-one in the group wants to acknowledge that openly, and a sacrifice is needed, a scapegoat, and a stranger may be the perfect answer in the moment; or even an unwanted potential witness that something wrong may have been done?

 

[Hypnalis]

@Boogs

Asking him to leave in private is the polite thing to do.

Many people find it difficult to tell another person they're not welcome. The women who came in later may have been called in as a "hit-person". Or they may have waited for a late-comer known to be able to handle this kind of thing. A phone call is likely either way. On arrival, she'd unobtrusively check in with the group IRL, then act.

There are some gaps in the story (e.g. Why the tears?; Why the lack of internal coordination in the group?; Why was he permitted to join at all?). But there's no way to learn more, so the details aren't worth pursuing.

 

[Captain Caveman]

Wondering...

How do people become friends with others? How does it work.
I mean... How do people go to somewhere to make friends? How is anyone friendly with anyone unless they are related?

I know with me, the few friends I have sort of approached me or we were in a setting where we met and had to talk...Hope this makes sense? I guess it involves risk which is why in real life settings, I wait to be approached rather than the other way round... BUT I have had people be friendly when I approached them in a work enviroment. As in a work enviroment one has to be friendly to all ones customers as part of the job. This is how I met my friend who I have known for about 20-25 years as we both share an interest in the kind of products I sold. (I could not work in a job outside my special interests. I found that out years ago way before I called them special interests. Someone else said "We have found his special interest" when I started talking on an autism site when I went into frame angles and the different ways they ride).
But I am not sure how to just go ahead and make friends. I walk past not knowing what to say, or if I directly ask, the other person is likely to call the police, as people in general are stupid.

I have heard people say they have lots of friends, but when one asks, few are friends! They are just people they have talked to.

To me, a friend is someone who one can talk about ones special interest and they don't walk off. That is a friend! A person who likes you for who you are and not what they want you to be.

 

[thejuice]

Wondering...

How do people become friends with others? How does it work.
I mean... How do people go to somewhere to make friends? How is anyone friendly with anyone unless they are related?

It's difficult, we're in a very small minority. A.minority group that often doesnt go out to socialise or even get on with one another! You might get to make friends with an NT but you'll likely either be patronised, bullied or used.

Probably a good way to make friends is to help someone in need.

 

[Tom]

There are different aspects to look at but I think the most useful is trying to figure out what made them feel uncomfortable and how to prevent it in future.

 

[Pats]

I asked if I could sit down with them and they said yes.

Sometimes with NT's, their yeses are not absolute. And we're not good at reading body language.

 

[The Artistic Autistic]

@Boogs

Asking him to leave in private is the polite thing to do.

Yes, but just casting a person away without even a single consolodation or explanation, after they already eagerly spent over an hour of their time devoting themselves to giving you company to hopefully make new friends (thus imprinting themselves onto you), after you yourselves allowed them to isnt... Do people not consider at all how other people feel? They KNEW I just moved in and had no friends. Is it really so hard? Dont get people's hopes up that like only to shoot them down.. I was so excited to tell my mom how many friends I had made.

I didnt add this because I didnt think it was relevant, but now I think its no wonder they were inconsiderate, because inconsiderate people typically dont care about the massive heaps of garbage they leave behind (they littered a ton).

 

[Boogs]

@Boogs

Asking him to leave in private is the polite thing to do.

Many people find it difficult to tell another person they're not welcome. The women who came in later may have been called in as a "hit-person". Or they may have waited for a late-comer known to be able to handle this kind of thing. A phone call is likely either way. On arrival, she'd unobtrusively check in with the group IRL, then act.

There are some gaps in the story (e.g. Why the tears?; Why the lack of internal coordination in the group?; Why was he permitted to join at all?). But there's no way to learn more, so the details aren't worth pursuing.

Absolutely, and impossible to know the actual reasons.
But the fact no-one else was willing to say anything until this person showed up is telling. If @The Artistic Autistic has made some terrible faux pas in some way, why would every other member of the group say nothing. It would seem a strange group where no-one was able to take action without a putative leader being called in just to ask someone to leave.
All I'm saying is it sounded like lots of unavailable context to what was happening - a case of wrong place wrong time and little to do with @The Artistic Autistic's own behaviour on it's own, just unfortunate coincidence.

 

[Boogs]

Do people not consider at all how other people feel?

Often the answer is no. Usually most people are wrapped up in their concerns about the people who are closest to them, and effect their lives the most. I'd guess a stranger will rarely get the same consideration.

 

[Hypnalis]

@The Artistic Autistic

This is not a "yes but ..." situation.

It makes sense that you see the event from your personal perspective ...
... but blaming the group does not make sense.

The group existed and had some degree of coherence, before you came. Before that none of them had any personal obligation towards you.

You were permitted to join them for a while, but it didn't work out. That is, you never became part of the group.
So nobody "owed" anyone anything at the end of your interaction with them.

Your post suggests you don't agree with what I wrote above. But it's 100% true for the context we're discussing.
I don't want to refute your arguments directly, because it's not something you should learn from a stranger on the internet. But they don't hold up.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Boogs

Agree. The story is incomplete and internally inconsistent.

But I'm a believer in applying "Occam's Razor" rather than starting from "1 in a million" exceptions
And Occam's Razor indicates that the probable cause of the temporary group instability was the external event.

 

[NB79]

I think if a group of friends go out it could be they have some intimacy i mean closeness between them, and some stranger popping up out of nowhere could be unwelcome, at least they were polite for a while.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I think if a group of friends go out it could be they have some intimacy i mean closeness between them, and some stranger popping up out of nowhere could be unwelcome, at least they were polite for a while.

Good point. It might be like joining a family reunion when you don't know the people. They could be welcoming to a degree, but will feel uneasy if you stick around. People may worry about how long you'll stay and if they'll feel obligated to welcome other strangers.

It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, just that it's the wrong audience for what you're doing.

 

[thejuice]

Yes, but just casting a person away without even a single consolodation or explanation, after they already eagerly spent over an hour of their time devoting themselves to giving you company to hopefully make new friends (thus imprinting themselves onto you), after you yourselves allowed them to isnt... Do people not consider at all how other people feel? They KNEW I just moved in and had no friends. Is it really so hard? Dont get people's hopes up that like only to shoot them down.. I was so excited to tell my mom how many friends I had made.

I didnt add this because I didnt think it was relevant, but now I think its no wonder they were inconsiderate, because inconsiderate people typically dont care about the massive heaps of garbage they leave behind (they littered a ton).

I dislike litterers, so self absorbed and entitled. The way you were told to leave was very direct and unskilful.

You overcame fear like a warrior, having the guts to approach a group of strangers. It's useful experience, proved you can do anything and increased your resilience.

Not everyone is going to like us, we're lucky to find a handful of genuine friends over a lifetime. Some of them probably did, as you seemed to have fun, but one or two who prioritised their feelings might have forced a consensus.

I suspect you're at an age where your brain is programmed to try and fit in, that will fade. I have the hide of a rhino as i've aged, not caring is liberation.

The best course of action is not to paralyse yourself with rumination but to think of ways to make friends without putting yourself in a vulnerable setting, like a clique, where your feelings can be treated with no consideration.

Making friends in less hostile circumstances will be cake now. If you do try something like that again, try to make them aware that you won't be there indefinitely.

Give yourself an excuse to leave, like "Im needed back home at x oclock". If it goes well ask for someone's number that you connected with, say you had fun and would like to meet up again.

 

[Rodafina]

she came up to me and asked if we could talk in private.

Then she said I had to leave because "no one knows you and you're making people uncomfortable."

@The Artistic Autistic,
Another way to think about this is that the girl was trying to be polite - she did not shame you in front of the group, she privately and clearly explained that you were making people uncomfortable.

That doesn't mean you were making people uncomfortable because you are such an awful person, it could just be that some expected social protocols were broken.

they already eagerly spent over an hour of their time devoting themselves to giving you company

It would be surprising if this is how people in the group felt - that they were eagerly devoting themselves to you during this interaction. It seem much more likely that in the beginning, they were just being polite. Many of us, myself included, can have a "too much too soon" approach to trying to form relationships. It takes time to build friendships and even more time to integrate into an already formed group.

I can understand your high hopes as you interacted with these people. I hope that the hurt from this experience begins to fade and you can turn your mind to learning from it and moving on. It definitely did take courage for you to do what you did. It will also take courage to move on from this and learn from it instead of telling yourself that either you or these park people are awful humans.

I think that you will be in a good position attending college soon - especially in the beginning when everyone is new, you will likely be among others who are also actively seeking new friends. Maybe there will be groups and events and other social things that you can join, too.

 

[Captain Caveman]

Problem is with situations like this is what does one do the next time one sees them.
If one goes out of ones way to avoid them they would be upset. If one says "Hi" as one passes they may take offence.

If I am out and about...
In a busier enviroment I tend to sort of smile at people to be polite and if it is a quiet situation as one passes one needs to say "Morning" or something to be polite,
but I generally don't talk to strangers unless they go to talk to me because faceblindness means if one talks to strangers and meets again, one can't remember who they are if they talk to you again!

(I have upset so many family members in the past through ignoring them when I didn't realize who they were and I thought they were being "Overfriendly"! After being told off for things like that, my face hurts because I will then go smiling at everyone incase I upset someone due to faceblindness! But then I get people looking at me thinking I am something "Odd". Actually glad to move to an area where hardly anyone at all knows me so I can relax my face! ).