Too much?

[ziggification]

As a friend or family member who is off-spectrum do you ever get the feeling that you are "too much" in your interactions with the aspie(s) in your life?

Too happy, too sad, too pushy, too friendly, too talkative, too ....MUCH?

If you have a bubbly personality, do you turn it off or down around AS people to ...."fit in" with them? Is it weird if you do? Is it weirder if you don't?

Thoughts?

-Sylvia

 

[epath13]

As a friend or family member who is off-spectrum do you ever get the feeling that you are "too much" in your interactions with the aspie(s) in your life?

Too happy, too sad, too pushy, too friendly, too talkative, too ....MUCH?

If you have a bubbly personality, do you turn it off or down around AS people to ...."fit in" with them? Is it weird if you do? Is it weirder if you don't?

Thoughts?

-Sylvia

I can relate to that to some degree. Sometimes I get obsessed with a certain thought or opinion and go on and on about it, analyzing and overanalyzing every little piece even if other people has obviously lost interest already. I tend to repeat the same thing over and over again as well. Sometimes when I need to explain something to a person and he or she doesn't get it I might get a little overexcited. It's sort of like, "why can't you see the obvious!?". But I'm much more self aware now so even though I still do it, I usually stop myself, apologize if necessary and try to slow down a little understanding that everybody is different and sees things differently. As for too friendly.... Definetely not I'm not even sure what that would be in my case
I used to try to fit in, now I don't care anymore. As for things being weird... Why would you want to turn off the "bubbly personality" around AS people.... I'm not sure I get this part you know what image came to my mind though if you would look at all the people on the spectrum as at the Spock from the Star Trek, than showing your bubbly personality might seem inappropriate

 

[ziggification]

I'm NT and I have been having some trouble with a friend who is AS. He keeps trying to tell me to "relax" or "shh" but sometimes I just can't accommodate! There's just so much to be excited about all the time...and I was wondering if other off-spectrum people felt the same way...Like you feel that you have to put on a calm face for an AS person as much as they feel that they have to put on a personable face for you....

As for the Spock reference, I grew up with a Trekkie and as soon as Netflix added it I made it a point to watch the original series and next generation in their entirety. I think Data is my favorite character (I even have a Data action figure) but Spock is right up there too.

He's not unemotional. He's SUPER emotional. All the time. His heart breaks everyday, but he doesn't get to show it. Because everytime he shows anything he gets picked on either by a human or a vulcan. Stuck between the two worlds. Kirk almost always made an effort to show he understood Spock. And McCoy ended the series with a begrudging respect and awkward friendship. But if you recall McCoy was ALWAYS himself around Spock. sarcastic and silly as he wanted to be. He teased him and poked fun at him like everyone else. He treated Spock like he was human. And sometimes that worked out...sometimes it didn't.

I suppose that I would liken myself to McCoy. I don't TRY to change how I act to accommodate Spock. I treat AS people how I treat NT people, black people how I treat white people, but I can't help but feel that because of the nature of AS keeping "bubbliness" in check is a little different.

Being bubbly -- loud, laughing a lot, excited, bouncy -- could make someone with AS uncomfortable if not outright terrified....That would be my fear. That I'm on the end of the NT scale that is further from AS rather than closer. Too weird to be an average NT, too typically human and emotive to be an AS.........

It would be as if Riker and Data were best buddies instead of Geordi and Data....Riker was bouncy, hip, cool and energetic he was almost too much for data to process. He couldn't always slow down to explain which Data needed. Geordi was restrained and calm. See?

 

[epath13]

I misinterpreted your 1st post, sorry I didn't read your first sentence carefully, not sure what's wrong but I do it a lot lately I guess you can disregard my response because I answered to - if you're too much for NTs... I'm on the spectrum myself

And just wanted to add, i believe that most of people on the spectrum have strong emotions the problem is, we can't always identify them and don't always know what to do with them. Some people try to figure all this out some decide that it's easier to withdraw from all those complex emotional waves and rely more on logic. Sometimes that kind of people get annoyed by other people emotional reactions.

Btw have you asked your friend why he/ she asks you to "relax"?

 

[ziggification]

No worries!

I think it's interesting that as an AS you are concerned about being too much for me, and I am concerned about being too much for you. Those kinds of parallels are why I dislike the "aspie = alien" metaphor...I don't feel like you guys are aliens...

Identifying emotions is an exercise in self-reflection. It takes time for anyone. I don't know why you would think that NT people have a "natural grasp" on that kind of thing. If anything we have a looser grasp because lots of people don't think about it as much...(ex., I am crying Christmas morning because I got a new toy that I really, really like. End of thought. I don't consider why happiness would trigger tears or why I would be so emotional over a toy.)

Lots of people choose to ignore or suppress feelings. I am one that believes in riding them out. If I'm having a particularly mopey day, then I will mope all I gosh-darn wanna as long as it doesn't interfere with things I have to do. (You'd be surprised how many things you can do while moping.) Of course, this approach is completely alien to other NT people I know. They can't imagine such abandon to feeling.

I am sure that NT and AS people handle emotions in many similar if not identical ways.

I ALWAYS ask when someone says something so startling. He says that I overwhelm him. Too many video links at once. Too many emails at once. Too many words at once. That there is an urge to bundle me in blankets or to hug me until I shut up. He doesn't process my excitement well. If that makes sense....

 

[BruceCM]

Yeah, mostly. People often think I'm 'over' excited or hyper!

 

[ziggification]

Hi Bruce,

How do you calm down? Do you even try to calm down?

Or do you just let them squirm?

-Sylvia

 

[BruceCM]

No great tricks for it, I'm afraid! Not trying to make anybody 'squirm' in the first place but people do seem to make just getting a bit excited about something into a crime. I don't remember ever having a problem just with somebody getting excited or being a bit hyper nor do I recall ever wanting to have a go at somebody for being a bit down. Whether I understand why they're getting whichever way about whatever it is doesn't make any difference to that part. Obviously, if I can understand, I might be more sympathetic, in a practical sense but that's rather different!

 

[HelloDizzy]

I wouldn't want someone to feel uncomfortable or need to feel "fake" due to my need for quiet time or awayness from sensory stimuli, but sometimes it does become "too much" in which case there needs to be understanding of when that person needs things toned down, assuming they're a part of your daily life.

 

[BruceCM]

Is that supposed to be anything like the same? I didn't see the people every day & if somebody needed 'quiet time', they'd go somewhere suitable for it. Popping to the toilet & out for a cigarette might have calmed me enough, you'd really have to ask those people about that.

 

[ziggification]

Well with my friend I think he wants more along the lines of what Dizzy suggested, where I am actually toning down "me." I don't know how to do that without being fake.

Where I grew up, you did just go elsewhere if you wanted to be alone. But at the same time I would hate to make someone feel like they couldn't ever be around me...

 

[BruceCM]

Would just popping to the toilet help a bit, maybe? Depends how much you need to 'tone down'. Tricky balance!