I wanted to share something my therapist told me in my last session to see if this is a behaviour other's can relate to. We had been discussing my reaction to difficult people and to stressors as well as difficulties with how to implement and interpret empathy.
For most of my adult life I've always instinctively tried to help people. But I do it to the point where I need help myself. I give until I'm empty and exhausted and feel broken.
My therapist interpreted my behaviour as "the fawn response" here's a excerpt from an article. Much like reading about the spectrum and realising the tics and traits I'd hidden for years weren't as abnormal as I'd assumed - seeing the fawn response written out in plain English and noticing how it mirrored my behaviours was a little daunting when I first read it:
The 'please' or 'fawn' response is an often overlooked survival mechanism to a traumatic situation, experience or circumstance. Nonetheless, the 'please' response is a prevalent one especially with complex trauma or CPTSD and is acted out as a result of the high-stress situations that have often been drawn out.
As any survival response; like flight, fight or freeze, a please or fawn response is to manage a state of danger or potential danger. The please response is the most thoughtful and complex response to deal with as it encompasses monitoring and feeling into other people's state of mind (often the aggressor) to anticipate a situation and respond by adapting and pleasing to evade confrontation or before a situation becomes aggravated.
It is also one of the most cumbersome and exhausting responses as it takes great resource to play through potential future scenarios.
A please response is not the same as empathy, and I think there is some confusion there. Healthy empathy is to be able to "feel" into other people's situations without losing your sense of self and the importance of your own needs. With a please or fawn response you have given up a sense of self, a sense of healthy identity and have taken on responsibilities that aren't yours to carry. It is a survival response made in a time of need, but in the long run you pay a hefty price for it.
I was a little dumbstruck when she began to describe this response. I had always assumed my helpful nature was a selfless act - at the same time I knew that it often felt bad, and provoked anxiety. This was because, in helping others, I was doing so at my own expense.
Similarly - every job I've taken is a far cry from what I want to do with my life. I have worked in customer service in every job. Every day spent helping others. High stress, poorly paid jobs to help others whilst taking from myself.
What I've noticed since being sober (day 102 now) is that living with a clear head is making the negative experiences less tolerable. A realisation that it's impractical to tolerate what I shouldn't have to anymore. Tics and traits are bubbling to the surface more readily and negative emotions feel a lot more intense. I believed that quitting substances was going to help alleviate anxiety and depression somewhat. I suppose I'd never considered that these substances had dulled the sharpness of negative feelings for a long time and now I have no means of hiding from them anymore.
Anyway - do you find you ever adopt the fawn response?
Ed
For most of my adult life I've always instinctively tried to help people. But I do it to the point where I need help myself. I give until I'm empty and exhausted and feel broken.
My therapist interpreted my behaviour as "the fawn response" here's a excerpt from an article. Much like reading about the spectrum and realising the tics and traits I'd hidden for years weren't as abnormal as I'd assumed - seeing the fawn response written out in plain English and noticing how it mirrored my behaviours was a little daunting when I first read it:
The 'please' or 'fawn' response is an often overlooked survival mechanism to a traumatic situation, experience or circumstance. Nonetheless, the 'please' response is a prevalent one especially with complex trauma or CPTSD and is acted out as a result of the high-stress situations that have often been drawn out.
As any survival response; like flight, fight or freeze, a please or fawn response is to manage a state of danger or potential danger. The please response is the most thoughtful and complex response to deal with as it encompasses monitoring and feeling into other people's state of mind (often the aggressor) to anticipate a situation and respond by adapting and pleasing to evade confrontation or before a situation becomes aggravated.
It is also one of the most cumbersome and exhausting responses as it takes great resource to play through potential future scenarios.
A please response is not the same as empathy, and I think there is some confusion there. Healthy empathy is to be able to "feel" into other people's situations without losing your sense of self and the importance of your own needs. With a please or fawn response you have given up a sense of self, a sense of healthy identity and have taken on responsibilities that aren't yours to carry. It is a survival response made in a time of need, but in the long run you pay a hefty price for it.
I was a little dumbstruck when she began to describe this response. I had always assumed my helpful nature was a selfless act - at the same time I knew that it often felt bad, and provoked anxiety. This was because, in helping others, I was doing so at my own expense.
Similarly - every job I've taken is a far cry from what I want to do with my life. I have worked in customer service in every job. Every day spent helping others. High stress, poorly paid jobs to help others whilst taking from myself.
What I've noticed since being sober (day 102 now) is that living with a clear head is making the negative experiences less tolerable. A realisation that it's impractical to tolerate what I shouldn't have to anymore. Tics and traits are bubbling to the surface more readily and negative emotions feel a lot more intense. I believed that quitting substances was going to help alleviate anxiety and depression somewhat. I suppose I'd never considered that these substances had dulled the sharpness of negative feelings for a long time and now I have no means of hiding from them anymore.
Anyway - do you find you ever adopt the fawn response?
Ed
