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Thoughts on a (recently previous) relationship between a late diagnosis Autistic guy & a late diagnosis ADHD girl

Dom529

Member
This was on a almost 8 year relationship that I had (she sadly ended it in August 2022).

Is it reasonable to think that the overlap created common interests + talking points but also that we both had capacities/spoons that we only learnt about so late on (made it difficult to process the normal stuff + anything else the other person was struggling with)?

More wondering - I have reflected on lots of other points (which include other things that led to the breakup) but am hoping this community may have some insight on my specifically mentioned point.

Thanks for any insight or input.
 
Hey diddle diddle,
The Cat and the fiddle,
The Cow jumped over the moon,
The little Dog laughed to see such sport,
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon

(Note the dish did not run away with another dish)
 
I started to trigger the person l cared for. And he accidently triggered me, yet l really have matured since knowing him. Finally because of him, l stand up for myself, and have some boundaries, and he is also better at this. Have you rehashed the good aspects of your relationship? Do you feel that you both had not enough spoons and your relationship was strained?
 
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I started to trigger the person l cared for. And he accidently triggered me, yet l really have matured since knowing him. Finally because of him, l stand up for myself, and have some boundaries, and he is also better at this. Have you rehashed the good aspects of your relationship? Do you feel that you both had to many spoons and your relationship was strained?
I have re-hashed the good aspects (on my own) but do also realise we had some long running problems + that I had blinkers on with some other stuff (thought we were both in it until the end).

I do think it was strained & that she stopped communicating + withdrawing (hard as one of my love languages is physical touch) which left gaps & grey areas (you don't know about things if they aren't brought to the surface).

As for the spoons - I think hers were low but didn't know if I was helping or not (see point on communication).
 
Actually l should have said not enough spoons, not too many. Did you know her love language and followed thru? I wanted more communication but this person has quite a demanding position and felt inconvenienced that l wanted to talk to them regularly so l just backed off because they couldn't see this was my love language. So that's why l am asking if you knew that person's love language, and it's great you know your needs.

Relationships are work, and it helps to sit down and discuss these things. You also have quite a busy schedule from what you have posted here, did that cause issues coupled with her having so few spoons?
 
If she was low on spoons, it may be very difficult to commit to your love language requirements when she is barely getting by. If you could have helped her in some way, l am not sure what to say, as l understand you may not wish to divulge more as this is very personal. I tried asking the person l was with for some solutions for us but they weren't ready for anything more, so there wasn't much more l could do.
 
If she was low on spoons, it may be very difficult to commit to your love language requirements when she is barely getting by. If you could have helped her in some way, l am not sure what to say, as l understand you may not wish to divulge more as this is very personal. I tried asking the person l was with for some solutions for us but they weren't ready for anything more, so there wasn't much more l could do.
I appreciate the input & do sadly think she had given up.
 
If she was low on spoons, it may be very difficult to commit to your love language requirements when she is barely getting by. If you could have helped her in some way, l am not sure what to say, as l understand you may not wish to divulge more as this is very personal. I tried asking the person l was with for some solutions for us but they weren't ready for anything more, so there wasn't much more l could do.
I believe hers was acts of appreciation/gift giving.

I was trying to give her space (as she needs when she is low on spoons) but she didn't seem like she wanted to spend/focus on time together (even before that) & was just getting distant emotionally + physically (my Autistic brain only knew how to react by becoming very sad as well as an emotional wreck (this is the best I can describe it)).

Hope I am making sense.
 
Sad to hear of this. In this situation, you have to stand strong , and say, l feel that you are backing off emotionally from us. Is this what is happening? Or is there something else going with you that you are willing to talk about? For physical touch, l have gone for excellent massage which gives the touch that we need and helps with relief from running, and muscle tension. I like shiatsu, warm stome massage really helps also. Seeking validation in a relationship is okay, but you also need to be prepared for what is said to you, and realize sometimes the timing is off and it just isn't meant to happen, at least at that time. Maybe you will meet up again?
 
Thanks for the good points.

I am not sure what you mean by "backing off emotionally" - would you mind explaining a bit further?

I sadly do not foresee us meeting up again - we are still friends & think that works.

Sorry if I am being short (at work)
 
If the person feels that you aren't going any deeper with commitment, then they may choose to back away emotionally. In my case, l had deep feelings for this person, and everytime l saw them only reminded me of them not wanting to get more serious. They wanted a *pretend girlfriend* where they could reap the benefits, but not be emotionally committed. I don't believe this was intentional, it's just what worked for them due to their situation. I don't know your particular situation and how you both felt about the actual relationship. Everytime l saw them only became more painful for me, and my life was already quite in shambles due to things outside of my control. However l am still a friend to them and committed in their well-being as they were there in a very dark time in my life. I proposed twice, l asked to live with them twice, it hurt that my feelings weren't acknowledged or taken seriously. So l realized l needed to be the better person and withdraw emotionally. Sometimes people's feelings need to be accounted for, or other things should be handled differently if you truly aren't going to commit. But pretend girlfriend can only work within certain support so that the female doesn't feel taken advantage of.
 
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Perhaps you didn't want to aknowledge your feelings or her feelings. And she felt you weren't there for her, so she chose to take care of herself, and her shortage of spoons, and chose not to burden you with her problems. She sounds like a lady to me, the kind of person l strive to be everyday, (happy face). As long as you feel accepted and respected for who you are, then it was a great relationship maybe to be continued, or not.
 
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Thank you for the detailed & thorough responses @Aspychata (as well as for your small contribution @paloftoon).

I (this is my personal opinion) felt that I was fully committed & very serious (about the relationship) where I think she was starting to falter on this (for the last few months) + was needing more alone time to do things by herself (possibly to process her own happenings).

I do think that living together (more the environment at my parents house) had taken a toll + changed each of us a bit (created some co-dependence on my part).

If I can ask (as you mentioned it) - when did your relationship end & who did so?
 
Thank you for the detailed & thorough responses @Aspychata (as well as for your small contribution @paloftoon).

I (this is my personal opinion) felt that I was fully committed & very serious (about the relationship) where I think she was starting to falter on this (for the last few months) + was needing more alone time to do things by herself (possibly to process her own happenings).

I do think that living together (more the environment at my parents house) had taken a toll + changed each of us a bit (created some co-dependence on my part).

If I can ask (as you mentioned it) - when did your relationship end & who did so?
Don't take my small "contribution" seriously.
It is from April Fools this year!
 
Not sure if it ended or it's always been in limbo. Sometimes l want serious, and other times l don't want serious. Part of being on the spectrum.
 
Not sure if it ended or it's always been in limbo. Sometimes l want serious, and other times l don't want serious. Part of being on the spectrum.
 
Not sure if it ended or it's always been in limbo. Sometimes l want serious, and other times l don't want serious. Part of being on the spectrum.
Oh, I can understand that.

My relationship did have a end & I think it allows closure + room to grow (separately) as well as still acknowledge care for eachother (interest in seeing the other person do well + achieve their aspirations)
 
I didn't have the nerve to say l need more contact from you. It felt that we were married. I am still very much in love with this person. My feelings will never change, ho wever, l have decided to no longer hurt myself emotionally when he can't commit after about 5 years. We were married spiritually. It was beautiful. But we can only grow and be better people after this.
I am unable to delete your tag. Lol. But l wrote the above.
 

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