The variety of internalised meltdown

[Grondhammar]

Since my diagnosis, I've become a lot more self-aware, and have recognised that I have internalised meltdowns pretty regularly. A couple of years ago when I was in therapy, we talked about this and my therapist (mis-)identified it as an effect of depression.

It's all very hidden and private, because I learned long before diagnosis that this wasn't NT-acceptable behaviour. When doing a #2 below, if I exit too quickly/urgently, just that has provided some people I know the chance to mock me for it.

Anyway... due to being hidden it takes three forms for me:

1) The curl-up-tight/foetal meltdown - this happens when I'm by myself and something (anything overstimulating, past or present) has pushed me to the breaking point and I can't continue to function normally. This kind passes by like a thunderstorm in a few minutes.

2) The panic-meltdown - this happens when I'm in a public situation and am near the breaking point, but I know there's a bathroom or quiet corner somewhere. I make some excuse and rush to whatever quiet place and collapse as best I can given the physical space. This usually ends in tears of frustration at being like this and having to hide it, after which I put myself together and go pretend like everything's fine.

3) The imagined classic meltdown - this happens when I'm in a public situation and know that there's no way I'm going to make it to any kind of a quiet alone space -- but still am at the breaking point. Instead, I stand there (or sit), put my "hi I'm normal" face on (though I'm sure I look spaced-out to others), and intensely imagine having a full-on private meltdown... as in, I can feel the floor on my right side, and feel my arms holding each other, and feel my eyes close (even though they're not), etc.

I wondered if anyone recognises #2 and 3, or if you experience this entirely differently in some way?

 

[TBRS1]

Not differently - these are accurate descriptions of things I do as well.

I used to cover for it by getting drunk quickly in difficult situations. I don't recommend that - everything gets worse over time if this is the go-to solution.

Now I meditate. When in danger of being overwhelmed, I retreat to my magic mental safe place.

 

[amtae]

my therapist (mis-)identified it as an effect of depression.

I used to think all of it was caused by depression too... For years after I'd come home from school I'd lie on my back on the floor, cry hard for a long time, and I'd just stay still and silent on the floor, sometimes for hours. No one knew.
I've been seeing a therapist for a few months and had a lot of 'oh that's why' moments. The diagnosis has explained a lot and has helped me not blame myself as much for being (mostly secretly) weird.

When doing a #2 below, if I exit too quickly/urgently, just that has provided some people I know the chance to mock me for it.
...
2) The panic-meltdown - this happens when I'm in a public situation and am near the breaking point, but I know there's a bathroom or quiet corner somewhere. I make some excuse and rush to whatever quiet place and collapse as best I can given the physical space. This usually ends in tears of frustration at being like this and having to hide it, after which I put myself together and go pretend like everything's fine.

I've had people not understand but mocking someone for taking care of themselves sounds horrible, I'm so sorry.
I've had my share of what you're describing here. Only in the past few years I've been more open about it in a way I just give someone a heads-up that I can't handle the noise (I'm mostly sensitive to sounds) and that I'm going to go cry in the bathroom (some take it as a joke).

3) The imagined classic meltdown - this happens when I'm in a public situation and know that there's no way I'm going to make it to any kind of a quiet alone space -- but still am at the breaking point. Instead, I stand there (or sit), put my "hi I'm normal" face on (though I'm sure I look spaced-out to others), and intensely imagine having a full-on private meltdown... as in, I can feel the floor on my right side, and feel my arms holding each other, and feel my eyes close (even though they're not), etc.

I've never had a full-on public meltdown, it would almost always be internalised (the way you described it is really well put). I disassociate and just want to come home, weep and lie on the floor (and I do if I need it).

 

[Grondhammar]

Thank you both... your messages are so hugely helpful. I can't talk to anyone I know currently about these things, so asking here is kind-of a lifeline.

Now I meditate. When in danger of being overwhelmed, I retreat to my magic mental safe place.

I've found meditation to be so helpful... not so much for in-the-situation, but more in setting myself up for a good day by meditating regularly in the morning. I do hope to get to the point where I can switch into that mindset, or keep it with me all day.

I've never had a full-on public meltdown, it would almost always be internalised (the way you described it is really well put). I disassociate and just want to come home, weep and lie on the floor (and I do if I need it).

That word, dissociate, is one I don't know much about. But now that I've read about it a little, it feels super familiar. It's like I just take off from where I am and consciously try to not be aware of anything around me. And, thank you for sharing that you go through the weeping as well. It's hard, and it's probably not the same for everyone. But for me it seems like that thunderstorm I mentioned doesn't pass without tears.

 

[Outdated]

I've never had melt downs as other people describe, but I'm also not afraid of offending people by getting up and leaving when I need to. "Sorry people but I've had enough for the night, I'll see you all later.". And I leave.

The trick is to never ever make excuses for yourself. As soon as you make some lame excuse people will see ways of trying to talk you out of it, and that increases the stress tenfold. Making excuses invites arguments.

 

[amtae]

I can't talk to anyone I know currently about these things, so asking here is kind-of a lifeline.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I was diagnosed recently and initiallly felt kind of excited to openly share my experiences with people I care about (because it was such a revelation to me) but I can't, not really. I guess I've come here to find some understanding I can't get from them. If you have a need to talk to someone privately, feel free to message me

That word, dissociate, is one I don't know much about. But now that I've read about it a little, it feels super familiar. It's like I just take off from where I am and consciously try to not be aware of anything around me. And, thank you for sharing that you go through the weeping as well. It's hard, and it's probably not the same for everyone. But for me it seems like that thunderstorm I mentioned doesn't pass without tears.

I only learnt it recently myself: I was describing how I feel and act in the moment when something triggers my PTSD, and my therapist had a name for this defense mechanism. I'd say to me it happens more unconsciosly (naturally), although I am aware of being in this state. I appreciate your compassion. There was a period in my life I couldn't cry at all for years, so now I view these weeping-wailing-lying on the floor sessions as something good (they happen rarely but make me feel better).