The Struggle of No Friends/Relationship....

[LearnedCoward]

four years at one uni didn't make a single friend

Don't worry about it. When I was an undergrad, I had friendships that were proximity friendships. We hung out because we were in the same place at the same time and enjoyed each others' company, but there wasn't anything deeper. After college, we didn't talk to each other at all. That saddened me, because I didn't understand the concept, but apparently it's typical. I think making friends at university must be the exception, not the rule.

 

[SeanDIdgeridoo1996]

Don't worry about it. When I was an undergrad, I had friendships that were proximity friendships. We hung out because we were in the same place at the same time and enjoyed each others' company, but there wasn't anything deeper. After college, we didn't talk to each other at all. That saddened me, because I didn't understand the concept, but apparently it's typical. I think making friends at university must be the exception, not the rule.

Usually I'm not too bothered about not making friends but it was the way that they deliberately excluded me/ignored me that was the most scathing of all. At graduation I was surrounded by people trading contact details to stay in touch whilst no one paid me a second thought.

 

[WildCat]

I don't give it a second thought. If it comes along, great. If it doesn't, that's also great.

Once upon a time I cared, but with all these years of constant observation and insight into how and what people really think and feel, it's not a priority anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if many of these people have what's called fair-weather friends...the sorts of people who won't hesitate to ditch someone should they find a better opportunity among many things. That's life I suppose.

 

[LearnedCoward]

I wouldn't be surprised if many of these people have what's called fair-weather friends...the sorts of people who won't hesitate to ditch someone should they find a better opportunity among many things. That's life I suppose.

That's most friendships.

I am okay with enjoying my own company rather than having fairweather friends. Fairweather friends can't do much for me except be a warm body, which I don't even need.

Besides, as I alluded to earlier, going to events with fairweather friends just for the sake of not being alone would make me less approachable than if I just went alone. So, I would have a harder time meeting people who I actually might want to meet.

 

[Tom]

Friends are good for making good times and laughs. Common interests has always been how I found them.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Well nothing I can say can be much of a shock now since Misery totally out-Osamu Dazai'd me up in this thread. Not quite on his level yet.

Friends are something I've never really needed or wanted. I love talking and discussing things, but most people are very one-dimensional and it's rare to meet someone I can talk to without running into the "Oh crap, they're too stupid for this topic" wall. The friends I do have are the kind that invite me to visit them like twice per year, which is great. I can't hang out with them too much or I get bored or run out of energy and have to go full isolation for a few months.

The relationship thing I think is more because of not experiencing it. I was pretty happy in my youth doing nothing but playing video games (I was even more isolated back then than I am now...), but eventually I had this existential crisis where I thought that "not experiencing love" meant that my life was going to be a waste. That I was going to regret all of these happy times, because there was something better to be experienced. So I decided to hammer myself as the square peg that I am into the round... ok this is starting to sound like something I don't want it to sound as... in other words I adjusted myself to the point where my behaviour was considered likeable.

Ended up with a girlfriend here and there, and decided that there is no such thing as the romantic ideal of love. I'm a total pervert so that's rather unfortunate, but I just don't consider it worth the inevitable drama that results from it. I can't just go out and screw random girls either because I consider everything dirty. Once in a while I might see a girl that seems worth my time, but most of the time I don't even feel like bothering with that. If you want a girlfriend that can be understandable, and maybe you are more accommodating than I am... but don't turn it into something it isn't. And don't get suckered into permanently chaining yourself to someone. People change.

These days when I see guys with girlfriends I just feel really bad for them. 99% of those guys have no clue and probably end up with a controlling wife and no money. I feel bad for people in general, it seems they have this all encompassing need for sex and socializing that I luckily don't have to deal with.

So I consider myself really lucky in that department. Not as lucky as Misery, but certainly top 1%.

 

[LearnedCoward]

These days when I see guys with girlfriends I just feel really bad for them. 99% of those guys have no clue and probably end up with a controlling wife and no money. I feel bad for people in general, it seems they have this all encompassing need for sex and socializing that I luckily don't have to deal with.

I'm getting to that point myself

 

[eulimk]

I've found out the hard way that attachments are overrated. I would love to be on my own.

 

[Celestiune]

I could wait another couple of years to get into a relationship but I've always struggled with maintaining a good friendship, and its especially daunting since I've seen other aspies peers have decent relationships regardless. Oof

 

[On the Inside]

Relationships and friendships are a difficulty for me. Through experience I have found that I am happiest/least stressed when alone or with casual friendships based on interests.

However, when I am alone, I do long for that connection, closeness that everyone talks about wanting, needing. I have made the mistake (for me it has been a mistake) to determine that "I'm ready for a relationship" then finding myself in a relationship that turns out to not be what makes me happy.

I like people, even those who some find dislikeable, and enjoy the company of others. I'm getting older now, so I just accept that relationships are beneficial but difficult, so don't put too much hope in finding "meaningful connection" with others. And while I am in a relationship now, if it were to end ( and it quite possibly will) I think I'll stick it out by myself from then on.

Others will be welcome to join me for a while from time to time, though

 

[Nathan86]

Honestly most of the time I just dont give a crap.

Back in high school, I got bullied alot. And while I dont work a job these days and havent in probably a decade, when I DID work, it used to always be in places where dealing with customers was constant.

Both of those two things taught me something: People are jerks/idiots/morons/nasty. Not to mention shallower than a puddle in way too many cases.

One reason why I never get envious of the friendships of others: Alot of those friendships arent real. Too many are the fake "look, I have friends, SEE HOW SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE I AM, EVERYONE!!!" sort that are more about improving one's perceived status, than actually caring about the friend you're with. If you actually pay attention to the behavior of others around you, you can actually freaking WATCH this happen. But with the advent of social media, it's not exactly hard to spot now. It's always been there, but that brought it out into the spotlight.

Dont get me wrong, I have had friends, but very, very few. Just one, at this point. One of the only genuine ones I've ever found... believe me, they're rare.


Now, as for romantic relationships? One word sums up my thoughts on that: "UGH"

Just... no. Absolutely not. Not happening. Frankly the idea disgusts me. I already hate most people enough as it is... why in the numerous hells would I want to be essentially tied to one on a permanent basis? It just means more responsibilities, and more of my time being required by someone else. And... all that physical affection. Again, "ugh". I dont even like hugging anyone (well, dogs & cats are the exception). The very concept of freaking kissing someone.... uuuuuuuugh. I honestly cant even watch someone do that. Or listen to it. Disgusting.

So, I go out of my way to make sure that will never happen. I dont flirt with anyone, and if I think someone's getting flirty with me, I leave (provided I even notice). And I'm not exactly the most pleasant person, and some of that is absolutely on purpose. Keeps people away. Granted, I barely interact with anyone outside of the family to begin with.

The fact that other people get "happy" due to being in relationships means little, as far as I'm concerned. People get happy over ALOT of random things. There are those that get happy over jumping off a freaking bridge with a crappy parachute. Sure doesnt mean it's a good idea to try THAT.

There, that's my completely useless thoughts on that matter, you're welcome.

Pretty negative.

 

[Misery]

Pretty negative.

I could add sarcasm to the mix too, if that helps...

 

[Kirsty]

Pretty negative.

Yeah, but sadly, it’s all true and I agree with him.

 

[Shamar]

I must admit that I secretly get jealous/envious when I see other people having a good time with friends or guys having a girlfriend.... If you are single, how do you feel about this?

I feel pain. Usually just ordinary, every day loneliness sort of pain. Other times an extreme, agonizing, blow-my-brains-out sort of pain. Never had any friends (as I understand the concept), cannot understand human interaction or social relationships, and apparently lack the basic ability to do so or form any sort of bond with another person. This lack of ability, unfortunately, does not eliminate the desire or need to have relationships. In fact, it seems to amplify it. The most frustrating part is trying to explain this dichotomy to NTs. Aspies seem to understand.
Yes, I get jealous/envious when I see other people enjoying relationships, knowing that is something I can never have. It gets especially bad during the Christmas season, and I have start taking antidepressants before Halloween. I have learned over the years to just endure and carry on.

 

[Nathan86]

I could add sarcasm to the mix too, if that helps...

Ah, It's all good I'll be your friend.

 

[Amanda241]

I will miss being in a relationship. Having someone to do things with and share experiences. I had a lot in common with my ex, but there just wasn't a 'connection' on his part. It was excruciating and if I ever have another relationship, I would wish for something like I had but to feel loved and give and receive it freely and without fear.

 

[Sid Delicious]

I sometimes envy men in that sense. Women are much better at pretending to be in love if they want to keep a nice house and lifestyle. Whereas men don't seem to bother pretending, so their partner will know there is no connection. I've been shocked to hear a few women say some pretty nasty things about their supposed boyfriends/husbands, only to turn on the charm the second they walk in the room. A woman I sort of know was doing this yet again in a pub with us the other day, and it was really unnerving to listen to as her husband seems like a great guy. She's very affectionate when he's around but nasty about him when it's just us. I've had colleagues that did the same. I was thinking that it's horrible that it's so two-faced, but at the same time the man has no idea so they aren't hurt by it until (if) the relationship ends. Maybe it is worse that way when it actually happens to you, but I'd rather be happily oblivious for most of the time.

 

[jfk]

Yeah I feel pretty lonely most of the time in this world that is difficult to understand or relate to

 

[Sloth]

Yeah I definitely feel the burden of loneliness a lot. I spent the last couple years completely isolated so that didn't help, I'm hoping I can turn things around though. To be honest, I don't know if I actually want to be with people or it's just me feeling ashamed that I'm not fulfilling societal expectations about being social, it's kinda hard to tell. In the past, it often felt like social interaction was more of a burden then a benefit (thus why I cut it out of my life temporarily), but there's always the chance that it will be different next time, who knows.

I'm moving to a new city this weekend to do a postgraduate degree I can't see my situation changing based on past experiences (four years at one uni didn't make a single friend).

Yeah, exactly the same here. I'm cognizant of the fact that I probably have a very "unapproachable" aura and that's one of the primary reasons there is no interaction. Just started going back to uni after having to take a break, but I think it's likely that the same thing will happen again unless I can change something about myself.

 

[LearnedCoward]

Yeah I feel pretty lonely most of the time in this world that is difficult to understand or relate to

For this reason, sometimes I even feel lonely when I'm with people.